What is your ideal model for finding a mate?

Ideally, we'd be friends first, and then ask each other if we wanted to go "beyond" just friends. After that, I don't know, because I've never gone further than that.

• What stages are there? - Friendship? Non-exclusive? Exclusive? Engagement? What differentiates the stages, what do you call them and what do you call the other person during each stage?

I am purely not interested in someone I don't know. I know that this seems strange for a guy, but it is true. I mean, I might be interested in them physically, but I divorce that from true interest because purely physical interest is what leads lots of people into poor relationships. For women I think they can expand it to being interested in a guy because he is cool or confident.

I don't see the point of being more than friends with a girl who isn't interested in me. It just isn't worth my time to be invested in someone who isn't interested in me. So exlcusive relationships only please. So I guess I have the stages of freind who I am interested in, girlfreind (never reached there), fiance, wife.

• Where and how do you meet? - Online? Speed dating? Church? Random people in a bar? Do you approach, wait to be approached or does someone else introduce you?

I don't know. If she doesn't seem interested in me, I am not going to pursue her. I have a real hard time meeting people though, online doesn't work, I have never seen speed dating, I don't meet anyone at church, and my experience with people at bars/parties/clubs is that they aren't the ones I am looking for. That is the areas I met the people I was interested in before, but I am glad right now that nothing came out of that.

• Who is involved in the relationship at each stage? - Is it just you and the other person or do friends, family, the church or anyone else have a role to play?

I would like a church wedding. Probably would talk about it with my family and friends as well, although I consider many of my friends and relatives to have very different values than I and so wouldn't consider their points of view very much.

• Who is there when you meet? - Just the two of you or will other people be there? Do you always meet in public or is meeting in private OK?

Probably in the friends but interested stage it would first be public, but then private would be OK. By girlfriend stage I would expect to privately meet sometimes.

• Where do you meet? - When is it OK to go to the other persons house? Are candle lit restaurants too romantic? Does the cinema distract from the point?

Especially at the friends but interested stage going to do things that both consider fun is important. Probably nothing too romantic until the girlfriend stage. I would think that seeing someone's house shouldn't happen until after a bit in the friends but interested stage.

• Physical intimacy - What physical intimacy is appropriate at what stage? Hugging? Holding hands? Kissing? French kissing? Sex?

I think it is best for no sex until marriage, athough I really want sex and sex while engaged might be OK. Really though, I have waited 27 almost 28 years, if I am engaged what is another couple of months? When I say sex, I don't include kissing, but I do include a lot of things that some others don't include. Nothing beyond a hug for friends but interested though.

• Timing - How long do you expect each stage will take?

I expect the girlfriend stage to take less than a year. I guess I would also expect the engaged stage to take less than a year. The friends but interested could go on for a bit, depending on circumstances. But I know from personal experience that it can go on too long when one of the parties is more interested in someone else (who was honestly better for her, and she wouldn't have been good for me either).

• Name - finally and most importantly: what do you call your very own model for finding a mate.

Excelsior

It doesn't appear to work very well though. It seems to break down mostly in the meeting girls area. Maybe it would break down in other areas and I just don't know yet.

JM

JonMiller said:

• Name - finally and most importantly: what do you call your very own model for finding a mate.

Excelsior

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ROFL!

Markus6 said:

Throughout the centuries there have been many rituals for finding a mate in human communities. Nowadays many Christians take issue with society's model, dating, as popularised on television and film leading to the invention of other models (e.g. courting). Unfortunately the book of "How to find a mate" was inexplicably missed from the bible. So in this thread it's time for you to invent and present your ideal model for finding a mate. A few areas you may wish to consider:

• What stages are there? - Friendship? Non-exclusive? Exclusive? Engagement? What differentiates the stages, what do you call them and what do you call the other person during each stage?

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All the stages you have there are the ones I think, except for non-exclusive, except during the friendship phase, as it is only a friendship, you start out as a friendship, going out with her with other people involved, like bowling nights, going out with friends after work to a bar (be responsible - I keep to three beers when I go out to a bar, and that doesn't happen often), and other group activities - like joining a gym. Something where there is a group of people, and it is about friendship. Exclusive afterwards, where you spend more time with her. Where friendship would be only a date a week and a call or two a week, exclusive builds intimacy, where you go out two to four times a week, and should be e-mailing every single day. This phase should be after 3-6 months in the relationship, and should slowly build into the four times a week, like a couple times, and then three times a week as you progress into four times a week. The engagement, that would be seeing each other daily.

Markus6 said:

• Where and how do you meet? - Online? Speed dating? Church? Random people in a bar? Do you approach, wait to be approached or does someone else introduce you?

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It depends. Approaching a girl is best, as it shows you have a backbone, but having someone introduce you is good too. This is a critical moment in starting a relationship, as the way you introduce yourself could totally turn the girl off of you. But, as I have always said, You will be turned down 10 times before you start a new relationship with someone, and it takes about 10 relationships before you meet that special someone, so expect 109 women to reject you!

What ever you do, when you introduce yourself, be confident. You are great, and don't think you aren't. If you are self-concience, or not confident, she'll pick up on it right away, and she will reject you outright because you're acting creepy.

Markus6 said:

• Who is involved in the relationship at each stage? - Is it just you and the other person or do friends, family, the church or anyone else have a role to play?

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Friendship stage, friends from work and church should be involved. Nothing formal, no family.

Exclusive, introductions to family, because if you are fairly confident you want a deeping commitment, its time for introductions to our families.

Engagement, again, family needs to be a focus on this, on both sides.

Markus6 said:

• Who is there when you meet? - Just the two of you or will other people be there? Do you always meet in public or is meeting in private OK?

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Friendship stage should have others there.

Exclusive, should lead into you and her mostly.

Engagement, you and here mostly.

Markus6 said:

• Where do you meet? - When is it OK to go to the other persons house? Are candle lit restaurants too romantic? Does the cinema distract from the point?

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It is only appropriate to go to another person's house is when both of you own it and you are married.

In friendship stage, candle lit restaurants are way too romantic. Going out with friends to a show would be the perfect way to get to know them, or bowling, or a drinks and dancing at a bar (be responsbile).

When you are ready for the exlusive, and you want to show you would like to go to that next level, then a candle lit restaurant would be a perfect setting. Of course, that would be at least 3-6 months into the relationship.

Markus6 said:

• Physical intimacy - What physical intimacy is appropriate at what stage? Hugging? Holding hands? Kissing? French kissing? Sex?

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Friends - Hugging, holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, and kissing on the lips for just a few seconds.

Exclusive and engaged- all in friendship, and kissing and holding each other for 10 seconds or more.

Sex is for marriage only. French Kissing leads to sex, so it should be avoided.

Markus6 said:

• Timing - How long do you expect each stage will take?

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Friendship for 3-6 months. This allows the infacutation to die down, and serious commintments to be thoughtfully considered to happen.

Exclusive - another 6-9 months after that, developing intimacy that is required to have a succesful engagement and marriage.

Engagement - 3-6 months. Over all - that would take at least a year to 21 months before marriage.

Markus6 said:

• Name - finally and most importantly: what do you call your very own model for finding a mate.

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GNJ realistic relationship development and advice.

Markus6 said:

Don't feel restrained to this points (except the last), I'm just trying to give you things to think about. Have fun.

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Thanks.

GQ Chris said:

I don't like all these "artificial strategies".

When I see a Woman in real life that stirs up the chemicals in me, I go after her.

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That is a bad idea, because if you go after her, you might come off as a love sick puppy dog with longing eyes, and that could put her off.

Take your time, be a man, and lead a relationship, don't let her lead you, by going after her.

You have the physical intimacy down to the seconds, eh? Phew.

white dove said:

You have the physical intimacy down to the seconds, eh? Phew.

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LOL!

They're just guidelines.

If something is tempting you to sin, cut it short immediately.

But it is important to show the love with someone you are getting serious about.

Ahhhhh.... gotcha.

I have a question... not to de-rail the thread, but your earlier post eludes to something quite interesting.


Would you ever consider dating a woman who confronted you first? Or, is that out of the question?



*sorry, that was 2

Markus6 said:

Throughout the centuries there have been many rituals for finding a mate in human communities. Nowadays many Christians take issue with society's model, dating, as popularised on television and film leading to the invention of other models (e.g. courting). Unfortunately the book of "How to find a mate" was inexplicably missed from the bible. So in this thread it's time for you to invent and present your ideal model for finding a mate. A few areas you may wish to consider:

• What stages are there? - Friendship? Non-exclusive? Exclusive? Engagement? What differentiates the stages, what do you call them and what do you call the other person during each stage?

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Friendship, first preferably.
I haven't been in a serious relationship since my one and only, and that took a while to become exclusive.

Exclusive being that I won't date other men.
It takes me a while to committ to someone.

Where and how do you meet? - Online? Speed dating? Church? Random people in a bar? Do you approach, wait to be approached or does someone else introduce you

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Mostly through friends and school.
I don't mind going out to bars and clubs, and I'll dance with people, but I've never come across anyone I'd have a serious relationship with at a club.
I do not approach first, and I will not ask a guy out.

Who is involved in the relationship at each stage? - Is it just you and the other person or do friends, family, the church or anyone else have a role to play?

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As few people as possible. I can honestly say there are 4 people max I'd discuss my relationship with or who's opinions actually hold any real clout with me.

Who is there when you meet? - Just the two of you or will other people be there? Do you always meet in public or is meeting in private OK?

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Both the group and solo options can be good.

I prefer to meet in public. If the guy's inviting me back to his place very early in a relationship or hinting at it, that's a red flag.

Where do you meet? - When is it OK to go to the other persons house? Are candle lit restaurants too romantic? Does the cinema distract from the point?

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Whatever time frame the couple feels comfortable with.
Candle-lit restaurants are cheesy, and therefore, not very romantic.
I like the cinema. Especially if the guy has good taste in films. Not distracting at all.

Physical intimacy - What physical intimacy is appropriate at what stage? Hugging? Holding hands? Kissing? French kissing? Sex?

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Depends on the couple and what they feel comfortable with.
I think it's kinda tacky to talk about one's sex life or lack there-of, so I won't say what my limit is.

Timing - How long do you expect each stage will take?

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It's all at whim, really.

Name - finally and most importantly: what do you call your very own model for finding a mate.

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Umm... I've found a lot of the people I look at tend to be similar to my dad? I know there's a name for that theory, but I'm not sure what you man here.

white dove said:

I have a question... not to de-rail the thread, but your earlier post eludes to something quite interesting.


Would you ever consider dating a woman who confronted you first? Or, is that out of the question?



*sorry, that was 2

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If a girl asked me out, it would depend.

If she was attractive, I would go into the friendship phase, saying, me and some of my friends do this, or that.

But I've had some life experiences in this regard, some are good and bad. There is a good chance a girl who asks you out wants more then just a friendship phase first, and she starts getting clingy, and that just drives me away. That isn't always the case, but it does happen.

Like right now, I am chatting with a girl from Christian Cafe who lives in a different city. Sure, there's some jokes about me being there, but right now, it is something we will be building into. I have school, and I told her right away that I have a busy schedule, and I would see what I can build into right now, but don't expect much. I may try to see her during the Christmas break, or during my first reading week in October. Right now, I am not getting the creepy, she wants me to be with her 24/7, and that's good because we've only been talking for about a week or so right now.

Guys and girls need time away from each other, but share each other lives with each other. They shouldn't be smothering each other, ever. And expecting too much too soon is bad.

To me I think guys would love this to happen way too much. They don't take the leadership role God has given us seriously. They wish the girl would ask them out, therefore forfeiting their leadership to her, or they go hog wild right away, making her the leader of the relationship because they have lost controlled. Most guys need to take control of the relationship right away, and guide it to its conclusion, be it, you get married, or you grow apart but stay friends.

GoodNewsJournalist said:

That is a bad idea, because if you go after her, you might come off as a love sick puppy dog with longing eyes, and that could put her off.

Take your time, be a man, and lead a relationship, don't let her lead you, by going after her.

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What I meant was, I don't get led around, I meant by being proactive in going after her. Not being led around like some bloodhound sniffing her behind, lol.

GQ Chris said:

What I meant was, I don't get led around, I meant by being proactive in going after her. Not being led around like some bloodhound sniffing her behind, lol.

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Thanks for the clarification.

If you read all my dating posts, you will see my theme, don't get too involved right away, take control of the relationship right away, build into it from friendship, and then build in the intimacy that is needed for marriage.

GoodNewsJournalist said:

If a girl asked me out, it would depend.

If she was attractive, I would go into the friendship phase, saying, me and some of my friends do this, or that.

But I've had some life experiences in this regard, some are good and bad. There is a good chance a girl who asks you out wants more then just a friendship phase first, and she starts getting clingy, and that just drives me away.

Guys and girls need time away from each other, but share each other lives with each other. They shouldn't be smothering each other, ever. And expecting too much too soon is bad.

To me I think guys would love this to happen way too much. They don't take the leadership role God has given us seriously. They wish the girl would ask them out, therefore forefieting their leadership to her, or they go hog wild right away, making her the leader of the relationship because they have lost controlled. Most guys need to take control of the relationship right away, and guide it to its conclusion, be it, you get married, or you grow apart but stay friends.

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What if a woman you were interested in made a better leader than you? How would you approach this situation? I'm genuinely curious... I'm not baiting you.

white dove said:

What if a woman you were interested in made a better leader than you? How would you approach this situation? I'm genuinely curious... I'm not baiting you.

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If she had to make it known that she's a "better leader" I would get the impression she's one of those egalitarians or one of those women who feel the need to always be "One upping" the Man all the time and my interest would drop big time.
I like women who are happy being women and don't feel the competition like the feminista/egalitarian/act like she has bigger testicles type/ can do everything better than a guy...

white dove said:

What if a woman you were interested in made a better leader than you? How would you approach this situation? I'm genuinely curious... I'm not baiting you.

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Hypothetically speaking, especially since God expects men to be the heads of families, it would be how she decided to lead the relationship. I'm not one who disrespects good leadership.

However, if she started to have a leadership style that was too demanding, I would probably start to phase the relationship out, because I would take leadership and say, you know what, I think our ways of relating to one another is incompatible, so, lets slow this puppy down, and lets just be friends.

GoodNewsJournalist said:

Hypothetically speaking, especially since God expects men to be the heads of families, it would be how she decided to lead the relationship. I'm not one who disrespects good leadership.

However, if she started to have a leadership style that was too demanding, I would probably start to phase the relationship out, because I would take leadership and say, you know what, I think our ways of relating to one another is incompatible, so, lets slow this puppy down, and lets just be friends.

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You just opened up Pandora's box on this one man, LOL. There's females here who hate the very idea of it.

GQ Chris said:

You just opened up Pandora's box on this one man, LOL. There's females here who hate the very idea of it.

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I'm in good company then.

The apostles also thought they should be pleasers of God and not men (or women).

GoodNewsJournalist said:

Hypothetically speaking, especially since God expects men to be the heads of families, it would be how she decided to lead the relationship. I'm not one who disrespects good leadership.

However, if she started to have a leadership style that was too demanding, I would probably start to phase the relationship out, because I would take leadership and say, you know what, I think our ways of relating to one another is incompatible, so, lets slow this puppy down, and lets just be friends.

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So.. hypothetically-speaking, do you feel it is possible to have an equal partnership where 2 people "take turns" leading? Or, would you (hypothetically) acquiesce to her leadership?