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Discussion and Debate
Discussion and Debate
Ethics & Morality
What is true forgiveness?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mling" data-source="post: 55993974" data-attributes="member: 152766"><p>I think of forgiveness as letting go of the anger associated with the harm--not necessarily the feeling of being hurt. As, if you think of the situation again, you can do it without getting worked up about that person being bad, or how ticked off you are at them.</p><p></p><p>It's possible to do that, and still decide that you don't want to have a relationship with somebody. After all, if there's a boulder rolling down a hill at you, you don't have to hate the boulder in order to decide that you should stay out of its way. If you'll be a better, healthier person, better able to cope with your life and give back to your community, <em>without</em> this person in your life, it might be a good idea to stay away from her.</p><p></p><p>Personally, there have been two people in my life, in recent years, who I really needed to forgive for hurting me. One sorta-partially admitted she'd done some things wrong, but refused to take responsibility for it and remained a very toxic person. We mutually cut off contact--her out of anger, me out of self-protection and exhaustion-- and I don't regret it. The other, once I explained to her what was wrong, immediately recognized what she'd done and sorta-partially apologized, but I don't think she understood the full extent of how hurt I was. Even so, she acknowledged she'd hurt me and explained -why- she'd done what she did, without trying to excuse herself of it. (Unlike a lot of people, I do appreciate explanations). I've maintained the relationship with her.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to stay in the relationship was, for me, and I think <em>should</em> be about whether they are healthy people to be in relationships with. Well-meaning people can screw up sometimes. They can make mistakes or give into a moment of spite.</p><p></p><p>An event can be left in the past, but who the person is cannot be ignored. Forgive her, but don't ignore who she is. Don't leave her over this one incident, but if the incident, and her continuing attitude toward it, reveals something about who she is, it's ok to leave because you've learned she isn't a person you want a relationship with.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mling, post: 55993974, member: 152766"] I think of forgiveness as letting go of the anger associated with the harm--not necessarily the feeling of being hurt. As, if you think of the situation again, you can do it without getting worked up about that person being bad, or how ticked off you are at them. It's possible to do that, and still decide that you don't want to have a relationship with somebody. After all, if there's a boulder rolling down a hill at you, you don't have to hate the boulder in order to decide that you should stay out of its way. If you'll be a better, healthier person, better able to cope with your life and give back to your community, [I]without[/I] this person in your life, it might be a good idea to stay away from her. Personally, there have been two people in my life, in recent years, who I really needed to forgive for hurting me. One sorta-partially admitted she'd done some things wrong, but refused to take responsibility for it and remained a very toxic person. We mutually cut off contact--her out of anger, me out of self-protection and exhaustion-- and I don't regret it. The other, once I explained to her what was wrong, immediately recognized what she'd done and sorta-partially apologized, but I don't think she understood the full extent of how hurt I was. Even so, she acknowledged she'd hurt me and explained -why- she'd done what she did, without trying to excuse herself of it. (Unlike a lot of people, I do appreciate explanations). I've maintained the relationship with her. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to stay in the relationship was, for me, and I think [I]should[/I] be about whether they are healthy people to be in relationships with. Well-meaning people can screw up sometimes. They can make mistakes or give into a moment of spite. An event can be left in the past, but who the person is cannot be ignored. Forgive her, but don't ignore who she is. Don't leave her over this one incident, but if the incident, and her continuing attitude toward it, reveals something about who she is, it's ok to leave because you've learned she isn't a person you want a relationship with. [/QUOTE]
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