- Nov 19, 2022
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I came to this site in the hopes of finding the Christian fellowship I could not seem to find in my local churches and the need to stay "on-track" in my walk of faith was becoming extremely difficult in my current situation which is fairly isolated. Even though there has been some discussions with others on this site that have been helping me to change my perspective on some issues I've been facing, the vast majority have been far from truly edifying and have actually set me back somewhat and bought out my "old man". I suppose it's something I should have expected, since this past year, I cannot seem to find the help and understanding I seek within myself or from other people. Perhaps this has been God's way for me to really understand I cannot rely on anyone but him alone.
Anyway, it seems I am more an isolated case than I initially thought, because if this site and the content is anything to go by, it's often that people are either splitting hairs over scripture or they respond to posts with it and not much of their own personal experiences so they can "back-up" what they understand from scriptures to be true... or perhaps, this is just my assumption and people have had experience but are often unwilling to share it online, especially in a public forum? I don't know. I personally have always been an "open book" so to speak (often to my own detriment), and it's come so naturally to me that I don't try to hide or disguise who I really am with other people.
This past year since being "saved", has been a lot of experiences that have propelled an extreme shift in my view of life and the world. Unlike some others who choose to believe the bible and enter "Christianity" in faith, my experience happened somewhat in reverse.
I grew up in "Christianity", was never taught correctly about The Holy Trinity or who Jesus really was, (other than he was the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins). But in my heart I always believed in the heavenly Father as God and even when I "turned away" from faith, that feeling deep down was always there and I could never truly deny there was/is a God, like some others. Due to my religious upbringing and trauma surrounding that, I never could truly pick up a bible, read or understand it for myself - so I never did - in fact, despite having many promptings that I understand now looking back, to have been from God - not once did I ever consider the bible as being the source of his truth. In fact, I got to a point a few years ago where I utterly despised "Christianity" and I even scoffed at those who believed that a man who lived 2000 years ago was actually God. (Of course, this view I regret and feel a fool for now) but it is what it is.
Fast forward to about a year and bit ago, and my whole life was changed instantly when I had a revelation of Jesus after I "cried out" to God in my utter misery and despair and due to the previous 10 years of what I now understand to be spiritual attacks and other strange supernatural occurances - I did not have the faith to believe or do what I had been shown by Jesus to do, so I put the entire experience in the "crazy" basket and continued on my own path. A month later, I got the shock of my life when I was attacked by demons who initially led me to believe the "source" of information I was receiving was from God. If it weren't for my childhood religious teaching of God giving humans "free will", I do believe I would have been possessed, but perhaps God already knew the choice I would make and that I would not have willingly chosen satan had I thought before that time satan actually existed. (Which I never did before that experience).
The reason for my detailed post is to give the background as to why I'm in this current state of feeling like I entered the "twilight zone" and no matter how hard I try to get "back on track" with day to day life, I just can't seem to see anything the same way any more. In my attempts to attend church and return to being a "good little Christian", I found myself on the outside looking in, realising that many people in this setting of a traditional church tend to focus on "following the bible", fellowship with others in the church and doing community service outside of it. Most seem to have "normal" lives and "normal" problems, not much different to those of secular society, and I found myself kind of envious that they seemed to enjoy the peaceful ignorance of the spiritual reality that exists, something that I desperately so wanted to have my entire life.
Often, a Christian will read something like this and suggest I read scripture and seek God. I've often told others the same thing after expressing my view from my own experiences, but even though I know this is necessary, I cannot seem to do this for myself. Partly due to old trauma and the spiritual attacks that have left me feeling more vulnerable than I did before, which is a feeling I absolutely detest, but also because my childhood view of the heavenly Father "watching over" everyone has changed and I no longer understand how I'm supposed to relate to him. And I'm not "open" to more "supernatural" stuff, after countless emotionally triggering situations and experiences this year, I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in the sand but I know so long as I do this I'm not making any progress in getting closer to God or spiritual growth. I also don't believe I have the Holy Spirit "indwelling" in me. I have heard him speak and felt his presence, but due to my "salvation" day, something I won't go into here, I have come to believe we have to make a choice and be truly "open" and vulnerable in order to receive the Holy Spirit and subsequently, be "born-again". I personally made a choice to put my wall up at that time and I've often thought I better hurry up or I'm going to lose God and end up worse than i was before, but the overwhelming fear of being open to his Spirit truly prevents me from moving forward.
Has anyone else had trauma and issues surrounding closeness and vulnerability with others and how has this affected your openness to God and your progression in your relationship with him?
Anyway, it seems I am more an isolated case than I initially thought, because if this site and the content is anything to go by, it's often that people are either splitting hairs over scripture or they respond to posts with it and not much of their own personal experiences so they can "back-up" what they understand from scriptures to be true... or perhaps, this is just my assumption and people have had experience but are often unwilling to share it online, especially in a public forum? I don't know. I personally have always been an "open book" so to speak (often to my own detriment), and it's come so naturally to me that I don't try to hide or disguise who I really am with other people.
This past year since being "saved", has been a lot of experiences that have propelled an extreme shift in my view of life and the world. Unlike some others who choose to believe the bible and enter "Christianity" in faith, my experience happened somewhat in reverse.
I grew up in "Christianity", was never taught correctly about The Holy Trinity or who Jesus really was, (other than he was the Son of God who died on the cross for our sins). But in my heart I always believed in the heavenly Father as God and even when I "turned away" from faith, that feeling deep down was always there and I could never truly deny there was/is a God, like some others. Due to my religious upbringing and trauma surrounding that, I never could truly pick up a bible, read or understand it for myself - so I never did - in fact, despite having many promptings that I understand now looking back, to have been from God - not once did I ever consider the bible as being the source of his truth. In fact, I got to a point a few years ago where I utterly despised "Christianity" and I even scoffed at those who believed that a man who lived 2000 years ago was actually God. (Of course, this view I regret and feel a fool for now) but it is what it is.
Fast forward to about a year and bit ago, and my whole life was changed instantly when I had a revelation of Jesus after I "cried out" to God in my utter misery and despair and due to the previous 10 years of what I now understand to be spiritual attacks and other strange supernatural occurances - I did not have the faith to believe or do what I had been shown by Jesus to do, so I put the entire experience in the "crazy" basket and continued on my own path. A month later, I got the shock of my life when I was attacked by demons who initially led me to believe the "source" of information I was receiving was from God. If it weren't for my childhood religious teaching of God giving humans "free will", I do believe I would have been possessed, but perhaps God already knew the choice I would make and that I would not have willingly chosen satan had I thought before that time satan actually existed. (Which I never did before that experience).
The reason for my detailed post is to give the background as to why I'm in this current state of feeling like I entered the "twilight zone" and no matter how hard I try to get "back on track" with day to day life, I just can't seem to see anything the same way any more. In my attempts to attend church and return to being a "good little Christian", I found myself on the outside looking in, realising that many people in this setting of a traditional church tend to focus on "following the bible", fellowship with others in the church and doing community service outside of it. Most seem to have "normal" lives and "normal" problems, not much different to those of secular society, and I found myself kind of envious that they seemed to enjoy the peaceful ignorance of the spiritual reality that exists, something that I desperately so wanted to have my entire life.
Often, a Christian will read something like this and suggest I read scripture and seek God. I've often told others the same thing after expressing my view from my own experiences, but even though I know this is necessary, I cannot seem to do this for myself. Partly due to old trauma and the spiritual attacks that have left me feeling more vulnerable than I did before, which is a feeling I absolutely detest, but also because my childhood view of the heavenly Father "watching over" everyone has changed and I no longer understand how I'm supposed to relate to him. And I'm not "open" to more "supernatural" stuff, after countless emotionally triggering situations and experiences this year, I just want to close my eyes and bury my head in the sand but I know so long as I do this I'm not making any progress in getting closer to God or spiritual growth. I also don't believe I have the Holy Spirit "indwelling" in me. I have heard him speak and felt his presence, but due to my "salvation" day, something I won't go into here, I have come to believe we have to make a choice and be truly "open" and vulnerable in order to receive the Holy Spirit and subsequently, be "born-again". I personally made a choice to put my wall up at that time and I've often thought I better hurry up or I'm going to lose God and end up worse than i was before, but the overwhelming fear of being open to his Spirit truly prevents me from moving forward.
Has anyone else had trauma and issues surrounding closeness and vulnerability with others and how has this affected your openness to God and your progression in your relationship with him?
