What is my ex up to?

[Tropical Wilds]

had this been a normal cut and dry divorce this would have been understandable. whats glaring to me is , i JUST got out of court with her a few weeks ago because she was keeping the kids from me- for YEARS. she stole the furniture out of the house when she left, slandered me to the schools and sports teams and tried to put not one but TWO restraining orders (both dropped) on me when i told her I'm going to still be a father to our kids. during this time she avoided my sisters and mom and would not let the kids have a relationship with them. the moment the judge awarded me the custody, she went over to befriend and cry on the shoulder of my family.

I get that she's not a good person, I really do. Trust me, my husband's ex... Not a good person. I could list off all the reasons why and they all pretty much dwarf what you have had to deal with out of your ex, but really, there's no point. Let's just say she's not even on her best day a good person and she's got a level of insanity, true insanity, to her that makes your ex look minor league.

But they have kids and despite her various issues, I've got to sort out a way of dealing with her. I don't have to like her, I don't even have to forgive her (and I freely and openly admit I don't), but I have to figure out how to deal with her. Not for me, not even for my husband who can't stand her, but for the kids. Because at the end of the day, she's still their mother and every time my husband and I aren't a unified front together in her presence, or if we allow what she does that's insane to get to us, drive us from family or work functions, or otherwise steer us away from what we would be doing if it weren't for her influence, we'd invite stress in our relationship, we'd cause discontent and lack of stability for the kids, and we'd allow a person who should be powerless over us and our lives to take control.

So yes, that means that when we go to see the kids do a sports event that I have to bite my tongue when she sits next to my husband despite having an entire football field to choose from and neither of the kids are with us. It means ignoring when she shows up with clothes that highlight her bustline (which she is quite proud of and is much more ample than mine) and does things like bend over, readjust herself, or sit so that we can look down her bra with the blatant hope that my husband will check her out. It means that when we go to family events or work events or other social events I have to deal with the confused looks and awkward explanations of how I'm actually my husband's wife because she has already introduced herself as "Mrs. Wilds, so-and-so's wife" despite the fact they've been divorced for years. It means I try to remove myself from the drama of her broken relationships in which she goes crying to my husband for support with, and then after she takes to Facebook to say that she's lost her best friend (my husband) and her only support during trying times because his "(w)itchy w----" or "the Jezebel he lives with" won't let him be friends with her (not true, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her), and even still after her ex hacks my email and forwards her our financial information to rub in her face how well we're doing and she's not financially. And it means awkwardly standing next to my husband when his teenage coworker comes to him and tears and says he's been having a sexual relationship with my husband's ex (she's in her 30's) and they just broke up, but she borrowed $500 from him 6 months ago and won't pay him back and he doesn't know what to do because he needs the money.

It sucks, but let me tell you, it sucks a lot less than taking it all in, personalizing it, and then letting it eat away at me. It's so much easier to say "It's her life, if she wants to act, look, and be crazy and effectively run her life into the ground to get back at us, that's her choice. It's my choice to not acknowledge it and give it power over us."

And if your family decides that despite her crazy behavior, they want to bring her back into the fold, that's their choice. Maybe they've resolved their issues. Maybe they've changed their outlook and want to move on. Maybe they're being naive and being taken for a ride. Either way, it's their choice, their consequences. If you're truly detached from your wife and she is nothing to you, then it should be of no consequence if your family befriends her. If she is nothing, if she is nobody, then it won't matter. She's just another person interacting with your family. If you're taking it personally, then you have to see why your family is confused as to why you say she's nothing and nobody to you, but then get upset when they have anything to do with her.

Really, you just need to stop interpreting everybody's actions as about you, directed towards you, or something that needs to be your responsibility. Focus on your kids, your wonderful girlfriend, and just stop fixating on the ex and what she's doing and why.

NOW, the funeral i didnt say she shouldnt be there, but out of the room of people she choose to sit half a foot from me -- we arent friends or family.

But she is family to the kids, and you were sitting with the kids, so her sitting near you isn't inherently inappropriate. Neither is taking seating in a pew before yours as the invited guest as the people who're mourning the deceased.

Here's the thing... She only has the power to irritate you or make it about you if you allow her to. Maybe she was trying to provoke you. Maybe she wasn't. But if you automatically interpreted it as if she was, it doesn't matter if it was deliberate or not, you allowed yourself to make it about you. And the opposite holds true too... Maybe she was or wasn't trying to provoke you. If she was and you ignore it and ignore her, it won't matter if she was trying to provoke you. You're not giving her power and attention and she has no influence on you.

Do I think for a moment my husband's ex calling herself my husband's wife is an accident and not a deliberate attempt to make some sort of point or exercise control over us? No way. I'm not dumb. But we don't turn it into a confrontation with her, we don't turn it into an argument between us, we give an explanation that clears up the confusion ("Oh, actually, so-and-so is my husband's ex wife and the mother to the 2 older boys. I'm Mrs. Wilds, the step mother to the oldest two, and mother to the youngest. We got married a few years ago, but old introduction habits sometimes die hard, I'm sure it was a slip of the tongue on her part.") and we let it go. And it's so much easier than taking to Facebook, confronting her, lashing out at the people who got the false information, or otherwise creating a problem.

And trust me, I used to take every battle as it came across. It made me miserable. It was so much easier to take my power back and not let other people define my life and how i feel so much.

the court docs arent even complete her alimony is about to end next month and her child support is about to be reduced so we have yet another date set. so with all that, i think it's inappropriate.

So don't interact with her. Funerals are neutral ground. And if you can't do it for you, do it for your relationship and do it for your kids. They pick up on this stuff and they know if you skip a family event because you don't want to deal with your ex that there's animosity there that they don't need to be a part of.

instead of introducing herself as my ex she could have just said shes the mother of my kids - disassociating herself from the context of our relationship. i just dont want to deal with her and i dont feel like i should have to suddenly be forced to entertain her in my personal life at all.

Sorry, I think this is nitpicky. First off, she is your ex wife and by saying she is an ex wife, she's acknowledging that there is a complete disconnect in the relationship between you and her in the marital aspect. Introducing herself as the mother of the kids implies to me that you had kids outside of marriage and actually that there is still a relationship there between the two of you. So not only are you attaching to the kids a social connotation you may not want them to have (conceived outside of marriage) you're actually giving her the power to introduce herself in a way that could imply a relationship exists between you two.

I totally get not wanting to see her or deal with her in your personal life. Simple fact is that's not going to happen. You have kids. You're going to see her. You're going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life. It's unavoidable. The sooner you accept that and figure out how to acknowledge that she'll always be there but figure out how to not give her power and co-exist peacefully, the better off you'll be. The happier your kids will be, the happier your relationship will be, the more secure your girlfriend will feel, and the less confused your family will be. There is a happy medium between entertaining her during your personal life and outright hostility to a point where it eats away at you. You don't want the former so badly that you are dwelling in the latter.

if the shoe was on the other foot and her family had a death, i'd send a card with the boys at best to not stir up any awkwardness especially if i caused so much conflict

And that's your choice. Obviously she feels differently. Though again, I say that if it was somebody on her side you were close to that you'd make the choice to pay respect to them as opposed to avoid them because of your ex and not wanting to deal with them.

 

[fields316_2000]

that was an excellent post.
personally I have to expect to grow out of a few things but for now im beingbetter off doing what ive been doing and keeping to my self not being disrespectful and holf my peace

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Can I ask, is your girlfriend... Is it serious? Like you see it being a long-term thing possibly leading to marriage? And is this the first family event that was a milestone that she's been to?

 

[paul becke]

I get that she's not a good person, I really do. Trust me, my husband's ex... Not a good person. I could list off all the reasons why and they all pretty much dwarf what you have had to deal with out of your ex, but really, there's no point. Let's just say she's not even on her best day a good person and she's got a level of insanity, true insanity, to her that makes your ex look minor league.

But they have kids and despite her various issues, I've got to sort out a way of dealing with her. I don't have to like her, I don't even have to forgive her (and I freely and openly admit I don't), but I have to figure out how to deal with her. Not for me, not even for my husband who can't stand her, but for the kids. Because at the end of the day, she's still their mother and every time my husband and I aren't a unified front together in her presence, or if we allow what she does that's insane to get to us, drive us from family or work functions, or otherwise steer us away from what we would be doing if it weren't for her influence, we'd invite stress in our relationship, we'd cause discontent and lack of stability for the kids, and we'd allow a person who should be powerless over us and our lives to take control.

So yes, that means that when we go to see the kids do a sports event that I have to bite my tongue when she sits next to my husband despite having an entire football field to choose from and neither of the kids are with us. It means ignoring when she shows up with clothes that highlight her bustline (which she is quite proud of and is much more ample than mine) and does things like bend over, readjust herself, or sit so that we can look down her bra with the blatant hope that my husband will check her out. It means that when we go to family events or work events or other social events I have to deal with the confused looks and awkward explanations of how I'm actually my husband's wife because she has already introduced herself as "Mrs. Wilds, so-and-so's wife" despite the fact they've been divorced for years. It means I try to remove myself from the drama of her broken relationships in which she goes crying to my husband for support with, and then after she takes to Facebook to say that she's lost her best friend (my husband) and her only support during trying times because his "(w)itchy w----" or "the Jezebel he lives with" won't let him be friends with her (not true, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her), and even still after her ex hacks my email and forwards her our financial information to rub in her face how well we're doing and she's not financially. And it means awkwardly standing next to my husband when his teenage coworker comes to him and tears and says he's been having a sexual relationship with my husband's ex (she's in her 30's) and they just broke up, but she borrowed $500 from him 6 months ago and won't pay him back and he doesn't know what to do because he needs the money.

It sucks, but let me tell you, it sucks a lot less than taking it all in, personalizing it, and then letting it eat away at me. It's so much easier to say "It's her life, if she wants to act, look, and be crazy and effectively run her life into the ground to get back at us, that's her choice. It's my choice to not acknowledge it and give it power over us."

And if your family decides that despite her crazy behavior, they want to bring her back into the fold, that's their choice. Maybe they've resolved their issues. Maybe they've changed their outlook and want to move on. Maybe they're being naive and being taken for a ride. Either way, it's their choice, their consequences. If you're truly detached from your wife and she is nothing to you, then it should be of no consequence if your family befriends her. If she is nothing, if she is nobody, then it won't matter. She's just another person interacting with your family. If you're taking it personally, then you have to see why your family is confused as to why you say she's nothing and nobody to you, but then get upset when they have anything to do with her.

Really, you just need to stop interpreting everybody's actions as about you, directed towards you, or something that needs to be your responsibility. Focus on your kids, your wonderful girlfriend, and just stop fixating on the ex and what she's doing and why.



But she is family to the kids, and you were sitting with the kids, so her sitting near you isn't inherently inappropriate. Neither is taking seating in a pew before yours as the invited guest as the people who're mourning the deceased.

Here's the thing... She only has the power to irritate you or make it about you if you allow her to. Maybe she was trying to provoke you. Maybe she wasn't. But if you automatically interpreted it as if she was, it doesn't matter if it was deliberate or not, you allowed yourself to make it about you. And the opposite holds true too... Maybe she was or wasn't trying to provoke you. If she was and you ignore it and ignore her, it won't matter if she was trying to provoke you. You're not giving her power and attention and she has no influence on you.

Do I think for a moment my husband's ex calling herself my husband's wife is an accident and not a deliberate attempt to make some sort of point or exercise control over us? No way. I'm not dumb. But we don't turn it into a confrontation with her, we don't turn it into an argument between us, we give an explanation that clears up the confusion ("Oh, actually, so-and-so is my husband's ex wife and the mother to the 2 older boys. I'm Mrs. Wilds, the step mother to the oldest two, and mother to the youngest. We got married a few years ago, but old introduction habits sometimes die hard, I'm sure it was a slip of the tongue on her part.") and we let it go. And it's so much easier than taking to Facebook, confronting her, lashing out at the people who got the false information, or otherwise creating a problem.

And trust me, I used to take every battle as it came across. It made me miserable. It was so much easier to take my power back and not let other people define my life and how i feel so much.



So don't interact with her. Funerals are neutral ground. And if you can't do it for you, do it for your relationship and do it for your kids. They pick up on this stuff and they know if you skip a family event because you don't want to deal with your ex that there's animosity there that they don't need to be a part of.



Sorry, I think this is nitpicky. First off, she is your ex wife and by saying she is an ex wife, she's acknowledging that there is a complete disconnect in the relationship between you and her in the marital aspect. Introducing herself as the mother of the kids implies to me that you had kids outside of marriage and actually that there is still a relationship there between the two of you. So not only are you attaching to the kids a social connotation you may not want them to have (conceived outside of marriage) you're actually giving her the power to introduce herself in a way that could imply a relationship exists between you two.

I totally get not wanting to see her or deal with her in your personal life. Simple fact is that's not going to happen. You have kids. You're going to see her. You're going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life. It's unavoidable. The sooner you accept that and figure out how to acknowledge that she'll always be there but figure out how to not give her power and co-exist peacefully, the better off you'll be. The happier your kids will be, the happier your relationship will be, the more secure your girlfriend will feel, and the less confused your family will be. There is a happy medium between entertaining her during your personal life and outright hostility to a point where it eats away at you. You don't want the former so badly that you are dwelling in the latter.


And that's your choice. Obviously she feels differently. Though again, I say that if it was somebody on her side you were close to that you'd make the choice to pay respect to them as opposed to avoid them because of your ex and not wanting to deal with them.

Wow! What breath-taking wisdom and the kind of calm self-discipline that could only derive from it, alone; not allowing your spiritual economy to be disturbed, as the spiritual writers put it. The discernment to deal appropriately with the reality, what you can't change, the prioritizing of the children's welfare and so on. Lucky husband.

That insight about the choice whether to permit yourself to become angry or not, reminds me of a quote by an eastern sage, Chuang Tzu, in Aldous Huxley's Perennial Philosophy, an essay in book form on comparative religion.

 

[JohnDB]

YEP...She is being a nightmare even though the two of you are divorced.

Marriage lasts for a while but ex-wives last a lifetime.

What is bothering you is obvious. It would bother me.

It is loyalty issues of your mother. SHE DOESN'T OWN ANY.

This woman, the mother of your children and ex-wife, is a toxic person poisoning everyone around her. She is deliberately trying to put a wedge in between your mother and you now that she feels an opportunity to do so. Your mother's answer was pathetic at best. She seems uninterested that this woman hurt her son and continues to do so. She also seems unconcerned that she has hurt her own grandkids as well...so much so that the courts took them away from her.

And FYI...I would tell it to your mother in exactly those terms.


If your mother also has Narcissistic issues as well it wouldn't be a shock. (guys tend to marry those similar to their mothers in some respects)

Tell your mother that you are interested in protecting your children from all people who would poison their minds with garbage and poor behavior models. If she can't figure out what loyalty really is...then you will have no choice but to protect your children from such a poor role model.

Your mother could have chosen another person to sit next to...like YOU instead of your ex-wife. She could have chosen to go out with someone else for lunch...LIKE YOU and her GRANDCHILDREN instead of your ex wife...but she didn't. She chose the very person who is the most toxic person in your life with whom you wish to deal with the least. That in itself speaks volumes.

Guess what?

Life is too short to hang out with people only concerned with themselves. If she can't figure out which side of the bread her butter is on then your ex wife can be the one to ensure that her diapers are getting changed at the old folks home and you can be unconcerned. (she probably won't)

 

[mkgal1]

An article for you, Fields:

Recovery From A Sociopath: Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Over the past few years, some friends and family members have continued to profess their support of my decision and denounce my ex-husbands behaviors, but at the same time, have continued to interact with him on a social level. This was extremely confusing and hurtful to me for a long time. But I have learned that not many people are capable of taking a stance on a situation, because they do not want to be alienated or put in the uncomfortable position of letting someone know how they really feel. Sociopaths seem to know this and use it to their advantage.

 

[bhsmte]

My exwife cheated on me, broke up the family and moved on with the guy she was seeing during the marriage - this was nearly 4 years ago.

we never spoke about anything when she was caught. she just up and filed for divorce the following day and told the court she was afraid for her life so i was told to move out. well i did. i ended up with my house back and some shared time with our kids.

up to this point, i've left her alone. i've never called her or text her about anything. i've never asked about her and i and never tried to get back at her.

however, recently shes been popping up in odd ways. she texts me here and there over nonsense (she told me one of my favorite athletes died to get my attention) or will try to provoke me to arguements .
When the kids had a dental exam that i took them to, she was there- inside the building with shades on, a new shirt that says 'i love my bf' and her hair done to a t just to 'be there ' ..that struck me as wierd.

then i see she tried to follow me on social media with her name being 'herboyfriendsspecialdoll' - i blocked her and didnt mention it. Now she starting arguements again, while putting our kids in the middle , sending messages through them or just flat out slandering me to them, so i blocked her from texting me. i told her that if she has to reach me, it should be about the kids and important. i refuse to argue with her anymore and dont want to have a casual relationship with her.

since then she's been accusing me of talking to the kids bad about her and now searches their emails (she took the passwords) for our discussions when they email me..

why do you think she is doing this stuff and why? i dont bother her and i dont give her a reason to be hostile withe me

How emotionally stable was she when you were married and how long were you married? Did she display any signs while you were married that something was wrong?

From what you explain, she is either very insecure, or she may have a type of personality disorder that has worsened with time.