What is my ex up to?

[mkgal1]

That's GREAT news. Thanks for the update. I will continue to pray for your boys and you.

 

[fields316_2000]

i will post updates - im going to tell my lawyer to review exactly how much money she is making and how much her rent is - i'll give her a settlement offer that will continue giving her enough to cover rent ; i dont want to have the boys worrying about their mom if she ends up losing her apt. i dont think i can handle that kind of guilt.

her whole arguement revolved around meeting my gf and promising that she didnt fight her or slander her. i was so thrown off by the fact thats what she focused on, i was nearly insulted. she's had three months to improve her apt living arrangements, build stability for the boys to learn in and be more consistent with her approach to getting along; instead she focused on my personal life.

thank you all for your advice and prayers. I'm so relieved that this chapter of my life is over and Im feeling set free!!

 

[mkgal1]

She's had three months to improve her apt living arrangements, build stability for the boys to learn in and be more consistent with her approach to getting along; instead she focused on my personal life.

I think that's typical narcissistic tendencies----instead of seeing the true issue (the welfare of the boys and how she can improve)......the focus is on you. Sadly.....I don't know if that will change (unless she recognizes all she's lost in her life due to her lack of consideration for others).

I'd love to hear updates. Is she going to get regular visitation?

thank you all for your advice and prayers. I'm so relieved that this chapter of my life is over and Im feeling set free!!

I know it's been a long and hard road. I'm so glad for you and your boys.

 

[fields316_2000]

she will still be there wit hthem on every other weekend and a day or two here and there during the week; i feel guilty if they lose their relationship at all with their mom because of me.
Also, her attitude during this last week is 100 % proof shes a narcissist. she didnt call them or check on them this week at all (they were home based on summer vacation).

We went to the boys baseball pizza party and the kids mom told the boys they were not allowed near me because she drove them there. they didnt understand why and she accused them of 'hating her' an demanded to know why.

her behavior is very selfish imo

 

[dayhiker]

Yes that does sound like selfish behavior and also shows she has now clue how to treat people with respect.

 

[Inkachu]

My exwife cheated on me, broke up the family and moved on with the guy she was seeing during the marriage - this was nearly 4 years ago.

we never spoke about anything when she was caught. she just up and filed for divorce the following day and told the court she was afraid for her life so i was told to move out. well i did. i ended up with my house back and some shared time with our kids.

up to this point, i've left her alone. i've never called her or text her about anything. i've never asked about her and i and never tried to get back at her.

however, recently shes been popping up in odd ways. she texts me here and there over nonsense (she told me one of my favorite athletes died to get my attention) or will try to provoke me to arguements .
When the kids had a dental exam that i took them to, she was there- inside the building with shades on, a new shirt that says 'i love my bf' and her hair done to a t just to 'be there ' ..that struck me as wierd.

then i see she tried to follow me on social media with her name being 'herboyfriendsspecialdoll' - i blocked her and didnt mention it. Now she starting arguements again, while putting our kids in the middle , sending messages through them or just flat out slandering me to them, so i blocked her from texting me. i told her that if she has to reach me, it should be about the kids and important. i refuse to argue with her anymore and dont want to have a casual relationship with her.

since then she's been accusing me of talking to the kids bad about her and now searches their emails (she took the passwords) for our discussions when they email me..

why do you think she is doing this stuff and why? i dont bother her and i dont give her a reason to be hostile withe me

I know this is an old, old thread, but I still wanted to weigh in with a female perspective. This is a blind post as well.

Chances are, she's realized that "the grass is not greener" on the side of the fence she chose, and she's acting out like a child who's not getting her way anymore. The fact that she feels the need to be in your face, and rub the fact that she has a boyfriend in your face, is pure juvenile behavior. She probably felt very "in control" when she had a husband and a lover and life was all exciting and she was calling the shots. Now it's catching up to her that she broke up her own family, her kids may be now exhibiting evidence of their own scars and trauma (which would cause her guilt, which I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with), and she's probably realizing that she was nothing but a tramp. All of these realizations are extremely uncomfortable, so the best thing for her to do is deny, deflect, and basically stick her fingers in her ears and go "lalala!" to drown out her own culpability. Throw some blame at you, put the kids in the middle, revert to teenager-like behavior; all of this is her desperately trying to avoid the bullseye of blame that's sitting smack on her forehead.

I'd feel a mix of pity and disgust. She's a miserable, messed up person who doesn't know what to do with herself. But the kids are the victims... and that always ticks me off.

 

[mkgal1]

she will still be there with them on every other weekend and a day or two here and there during the week; i feel guilty if they lose their relationship at all with their mom because of me.
Also, her attitude during this last week is 100 % proof shes a narcissist. she didnt call them or check on them this week at all (they were home based on summer vacation).

We went to the boys baseball pizza party and the kids mom told the boys they were not allowed near me because she drove them there. they didnt understand why and she accused them of 'hating her' an demanded to know why.

her behavior is very selfish imo

Well.....first of all, if their relationship with their mother suffers......it won't be on you (it's on her and her behavior). You've obviously been doing what you can to foster healthy relationships for them. That's so admirable, Fields.

Her accusing the boys of "hating her" for simply wanting you to sit by them *is* a narcissistic tendency. From what I've read (and experienced).....it seems that in their mind......unless a person is orbiting them like the main "planet" in their world.....they are hating them. IOW......"either you make ME (the narcissist). the center of your world......or you are proving to me that you hate me." They just don't seem to understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around them.

I don't know what to suggest in order to help the boys through this. This has to hurt them when she says things like this......but, I know you probably don't want to get close to sounding as if you're bad mouthing their mother. It's tough Maybe when she doesn't call them for long stretches of time, you can just assure them that it's not that they've done anything wrong.....just that their mother isn't well (???).

 

[bethrow]

I think it's important for you and your boys to seek counselling so that they can understand things a little better. They are still very young and don't understand why she does what she does.

 

[mkgal1]

I'd just add that in choosing a counselor......I'd make sure they're familiar with narcissist tendencies. You (and your boys) are dealing with more than just a selfish person.

 

[fields316_2000]

I know this is an old, old thread, but I still wanted to weigh in with a female perspective. This is a blind post as well.

Chances are, she's realized that "the grass is not greener" on the side of the fence she chose, and she's acting out like a child who's not getting her way anymore. The fact that she feels the need to be in your face, and rub the fact that she has a boyfriend in your face, is pure juvenile behavior. She probably felt very "in control" when she had a husband and a lover and life was all exciting and she was calling the shots. Now it's catching up to her that she broke up her own family, her kids may be now exhibiting evidence of their own scars and trauma (which would cause her guilt, which I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with), and she's probably realizing that she was nothing but a tramp. All of these realizations are extremely uncomfortable, so the best thing for her to do is deny, deflect, and basically stick her fingers in her ears and go "lalala!" to drown out her own culpability. Throw some blame at you, put the kids in the middle, revert to teenager-like behavior; all of this is her desperately trying to avoid the bullseye of blame that's sitting smack on her forehead.

I'd feel a mix of pity and disgust. She's a miserable, messed up person who doesn't know what to do with herself. But the kids are the victims... and that always ticks me off.

this post is hitting close to home - i had to sit back and re read this as well as other posts to consider the possibility that maybe she is regretting her decision and choices that got her in the position shes in. Maybe she is finally feeling the weight of her choices; because in the beginning she had the new start, the boy friend , the sisters and lawyer to take from me while she's still catered to- she never really had to deal with anything. she was able to blame me and throw me under the bus any chance she got. for example, i wasnt allowed around the kids in the beginning so when i would say i needed to see them she'd say no. but when they would mess up in school she'd say 'i dont see you around helping'

now, we have all grown past her. she has no more leverage over the time i spend with the boys, im in a healthy relationship and the boys look up to my girlfriend and that really bothers their mom. she's got no other avenue to go down because the time of me asking her to work it out is long gone. that was years ago. so that isnt an option and the kids at this point have blocked her from emailing them anything so when they are not there they dont have to read her guilt trips. she is a very bitter and selfish person, who is only hurting herself.

thank you for your post

 

[fields316_2000]

I'd just add that in choosing a counselor......I'd make sure they're familiar with narcissist tendencies. You (and your boys) are dealing with more than just a selfish person.

I will look into that tomorrow. they were so excited to be away from her alittle bit more that the first week or so they just looked so peaceful. but its clear its not over and it'll only get worse.

I think it's important for you and your boys to seek counselling so that they can understand things a little better. They are still very young and don't understand why she does what she does.

Well.....first of all, if their relationship with their mother suffers......it won't be on you (it's on her and her behavior). You've obviously been doing what you can to foster healthy relationships for them. That's so admirable, Fields.

Her accusing the boys of "hating her" for simply wanting you to sit by them *is* a narcissistic tendency. From what I've read (and experienced).....it seems that in their mind......unless a person is orbiting them like the main "planet" in their world.....they are hating them. IOW......"either you make ME (the narcissist). the center of your world......or you are proving to me that you hate me." They just don't seem to understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around them.

I don't know what to suggest in order to help the boys through this. This has to hurt them when she says things like this......but, I know you probably don't want to get close to sounding as if you're bad mouthing their mother. It's tough Maybe when she doesn't call them for long stretches of time, you can just assure them that it's not that they've done anything wrong.....just that their mother isn't well (???).

I've gone to tell them that their mom is just angry because she's had long days at work or doesnt have the things she really thought she wanted so she's alil angry. they flat out tell me they think she's bipolar. i happen to think that theres a conflict of guilt going on - she's distanced herself from anyone that would tell her she's wrong and now the kids are old enough to call her out on what she did and continues to do. they might need some classes on this and how to relate to her because they are giving up on talking with her.

 

[dayhiker]

Knowing how to relate to a person that isn't functioning normally can be very tough, so I think your right to get the kids some education that would help them communicate in an effective way in their situation. I know I've had to seek out some instruction on how to express myself and its helped a whole lot.

 

[mkgal1]

I've gone to tell them that their mom is just angry because she's had long days at work or doesnt have the things she really thought she wanted so she's alil angry. they flat out tell me they think she's bipolar. i happen to think that theres a conflict of guilt going on - she's distanced herself from anyone that would tell her she's wrong and now the kids are old enough to call her out on what she did and continues to do. they might need some classes on this and how to relate to her because they are giving up on talking with her.

Okay......it really sounds as if the boys know this is more than just "bad days" and already understand that this isn't normal and healthy behavior. I wonder if reading this book together may help.....what do you think?:

http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirro...4&sr=8-10&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough

This one also looks helpful:

 

[fields316_2000]

Okay......it really sounds as if the boys know this is more than just "bad days" and already understand that this isn't normal and healthy behavior. I wonder if reading this book together may help.....what do you think?:

http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirro...4&sr=8-10&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough

This one also looks helpful:

Amazing - Ill see if i can download this right onto their kindle!

 

[JohnDB]

there is another one...
The Dance of Anger.
here is the link

 

[mkgal1]

This may be something for you to read, Fields (just so you have more understanding, and can help the boys navigate better):

Children Of Narcissistic Mothers | The Narcissist In Your Life

 

[fields316_2000]

i hate to bump this old thread, but i need some advice.

I had a death in the family recently. the person that died was very close to me and knew my ex. so my mom texts me asking if i mind if my ex show up to the funeral. i said i didnt care because it's about paying respects not me.
day of the funeral , im sitting in my own section with my gf and kids. im crying. im having a hard time emotionally. her comes my mom sisters and my ex. they had my ex sit in front of me and my gf. the whole service i was privilaged to watch them hug and cry together; i was very upset and frustrated because out of anywhere to sit, she chose to be 2 feet from me. afterwards, my ex and mom went to a family lunch - i decided not to go to the family get together - it was very awkward. especially since she was introducing herself as my exwife.

so i tell my mom that she was wrong for putting that show on in front of me, when in the church my kids mom could have sat away from me and gave me space. my mom tells me that im at fault , i need to grow up and the kicker is that she sees my ex as her daughter. she said that im wrong and need to forgive her and that its proof i still love her because i dont want to be near her. i retorted that my ex is my ex and not a friend or my family so im justified in keeping a distance and not dealing with her like that. it's one thing , imo, to pay respect but another to force awkward situations. so i felt even more violated because my mom of all people supports the ex over me - despite the things she already did over the years. im confused as to why she , my ex, would go so far to be my mom's best friend and why she would go to my family gathering knowing our kids wouldnt be there - they were with me the rest of the day .

what if any, are your thoughts?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

i hate to bump this old thread, but i need some advice.

I had a death in the family recently. the person that died was very close to me and knew my ex. so my mom texts me asking if i mind if my ex show up to the funeral. i said i didnt care because it's about paying respects not me.
day of the funeral , im sitting in my own section with my gf and kids. im crying. im having a hard time emotionally. her comes my mom sisters and my ex. they had my ex sit in front of me and my gf. the whole service i was privilaged to watch them hug and cry together; i was very upset and frustrated because out of anywhere to sit, she chose to be 2 feet from me.

She probably wanted to be in an area close to the kids. Maybe she wanted to put on a show, maybe not, but I wouldn't say her proximity to you isn't unusual or something of note. Especially if the relatives she was seated with were closer in family relation or relationship to the deceased than you, and it was obvious the ex-wife was invited to sit with them, it would make sense socially speaking that they'd sit ahead of you and in an area near the kids.

afterwards, my ex and mom went to a family lunch - i decided not to go to the family get together - it was very awkward. especially since she was introducing herself as my exwife.

Receptions, formal or casual, are common after funerals. I can't think of a funeral I've been to where there wasn't a lunch or meal where family, close friends, and their invited guests didn't have some sort of meal together after a funeral. Again, if she was invited by your family and it was reasonable to assume you may be there with the kids, she wouldn't have a reason to not go. Just because you guys are divorced doesn't mean that she is cut off from your family and, in the end, it's better for the kids to see her still a part of what is their family as well, as opposed to publicly shamed or excluded, especially for something like a funeral, which should be a neutral event.

so i tell my mom that she was wrong for putting that show on in front of me, when in the church my kids mom could have sat away from me and gave me space. my mom tells me that im at fault , i need to grow up and the kicker is that she sees my ex as her daughter. she said that im wrong and need to forgive her and that its proof i still love her because i dont want to be near her. i retorted that my ex is my ex and not a friend or my family so im justified in keeping a distance and not dealing with her like that. it's one thing , imo, to pay respect but another to force awkward situations. so i felt even more violated because my mom of all people supports the ex over me - despite the things she already did over the years. im confused as to why she , my ex, would go so far to be my mom's best friend and why she would go to my family gathering knowing our kids wouldnt be there - they were with me the rest of the day .

I think your mother is trying to tell you something here... First off, when you get a divorce, the family's relationship and feelings for your ex don't just turn off. What she's trying to tell you is that despite the end of your marriage, she still cares for her. That's normal and should be expected, especially since she's still the mother of your kids. Secondly, I think your mother is trying to tell you that, because you're divorced, have been for awhile, and because you're dating somebody else, you shouldn't care what your ex is doing. I think it is unusual at this point to think so often that your ex is specifically doing things to irritate you and to care so much about her activities in relation to yours, and to do or not do things with your own family because your ex will be there. Not only is that confusing to the kids and potentially exposes them to the animosity you hold to her, it's confusing to your family and does tend to imply that there are unresolved feelings of some sort. So I see your mother's point... You shouldn't care where your ex sits, not attend events because she's there, or suspect she does things to irritate you... You should be past that by now. I don't see that as her picking your ex over you, I see that as her still loving your ex and not understanding why you care so much or are so focused on what she's doing in relation to you.

Honestly, I think at this point the only reason situations like this are awkward is because you allow them to be. For example, you said it was awkward that she was introducing herself as your ex wife... But that shouldn't be awkward... She is. How else would she introduce herself? A friend of the family? A friend of the deceased? Your not going to a family gathering because you don't want to deal with her, honestly, I think that's way more awkward than if you'd gone. If I was a family member and I'd heard you didn't go because you didn't want to be near your ex... Honestly... I'd find that incredibly awkward. It would feel like an underlying family drama was occurring or that people were using a funeral as a venue for trading barbs... Whereas if she came and you came with the kids and your girlfriend, honestly, I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing.

You guys have kids together and she'll probably be showing up to events like this for the rest of your life. You'll certainly have events featuring the kids where you'll both be there for the rest of your life and if you preoccupy yourself on if your ex is sitting near you to provoke you, put on a show, etc etc... Honestly, you'll be miserable and grow bitter. The best route at this point is to ignore her. She will only have power to irritate you for as long as you give it to her. If you take everything, from where she sits at a funeral to who she talks to personally, it will make you crazy.

 

[mkgal1]

im confused as to why she , my ex, would go so far to be my mom's best friend and why she would go to my family gathering knowing our kids wouldnt be there - they were with me the rest of the day .

My opinion is.......because it's just another way to take away from you (another way to hurt you). It's disordered thinking.

This blog may be something you can relate to:

Narcissism Support Resources

 

[fields316_2000]

She probably wanted to be in an area close to the kids. Maybe she wanted to put on a show, maybe not, but I wouldn't say her proximity to you isn't unusual or something of note. Especially if the relatives she was seated with were closer in family relation or relationship to the deceased than you, and it was obvious the ex-wife was invited to sit with them, it would make sense socially speaking that they'd sit ahead of you and in an area near the kids.



Receptions, formal or casual, are common after funerals. I can't think of a funeral I've been to where there wasn't a lunch or meal where family, close friends, and their invited guests didn't have some sort of meal together after a funeral. Again, if she was invited by your family and it was reasonable to assume you may be there with the kids, she wouldn't have a reason to not go. Just because you guys are divorced doesn't mean that she is cut off from your family and, in the end, it's better for the kids to see her still a part of what is their family as well, as opposed to publicly shamed or excluded, especially for something like a funeral, which should be a neutral event.



I think your mother is trying to tell you something here... First off, when you get a divorce, the family's relationship and feelings for your ex don't just turn off. What she's trying to tell you is that despite the end of your marriage, she still cares for her. That's normal and should be expected, especially since she's still the mother of your kids. Secondly, I think your mother is trying to tell you that, because you're divorced, have been for awhile, and because you're dating somebody else, you shouldn't care what your ex is doing. I think it is unusual at this point to think so often that your ex is specifically doing things to irritate you and to care so much about her activities in relation to yours, and to do or not do things with your own family because your ex will be there. Not only is that confusing to the kids and potentially exposes them to the animosity you hold to her, it's confusing to your family and does tend to imply that there are unresolved feelings of some sort. So I see your mother's point... You shouldn't care where your ex sits, not attend events because she's there, or suspect she does things to irritate you... You should be past that by now. I don't see that as her picking your ex over you, I see that as her still loving your ex and not understanding why you care so much or are so focused on what she's doing in relation to you.

Honestly, I think at this point the only reason situations like this are awkward is because you allow them to be. For example, you said it was awkward that she was introducing herself as your ex wife... But that shouldn't be awkward... She is. How else would she introduce herself? A friend of the family? A friend of the deceased? Your not going to a family gathering because you don't want to deal with her, honestly, I think that's way more awkward than if you'd gone. If I was a family member and I'd heard you didn't go because you didn't want to be near your ex... Honestly... I'd find that incredibly awkward. It would feel like an underlying family drama was occurring or that people were using a funeral as a venue for trading barbs... Whereas if she came and you came with the kids and your girlfriend, honestly, I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing.

You guys have kids together and she'll probably be showing up to events like this for the rest of your life. You'll certainly have events featuring the kids where you'll both be there for the rest of your life and if you preoccupy yourself on if your ex is sitting near you to provoke you, put on a show, etc etc... Honestly, you'll be miserable and grow bitter. The best route at this point is to ignore her. She will only have power to irritate you for as long as you give it to her. If you take everything, from where she sits at a funeral to who she talks to personally, it will make you crazy.

had this been a normal cut and dry divorce this would have been understandable. whats glaring to me is , i JUST got out of court with her a few weeks ago because she was keeping the kids from me- for YEARS. she stole the furniture out of the house when she left, slandered me to the schools and sports teams and tried to put not one but TWO restraining orders (both dropped) on me when i told her I'm going to still be a father to our kids. during this time she avoided my sisters and mom and would not let the kids have a relationship with them. the moment the judge awarded me the custody, she went over to befriend and cry on the shoulder of my family. NOW, the funeral i didnt say she shouldnt be there, but out of the room of people she choose to sit half a foot from me -- we arent friends or family. the court docs arent even complete her alimony is about to end next month and her child support is about to be reduced so we have yet another date set. so with all that, i think it's inappropriate. instead of introducing herself as my ex she could have just said shes the mother of my kids - disassociating herself from the context of our relationship. i just dont want to deal with her and i dont feel like i should have to suddenly be forced to entertain her in my personal life at all.


if the shoe was on the other foot and her family had a death, i'd send a card with the boys at best to not stir up any awkwardness especially if i caused so much conflict