What is it with men?

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Why do men find it so hard to say I love you? I've been in a 'relationship' of sorts with a guy for about 2 years now, and I didn't start saying I love you until about a year ago.

Although all his actions show me he does (stroking my hair, holds me and tells me how beautiful I am, gets upset if I talk about seeing another guy, etc), how come he can't say I love you, when eveything he does says that he does?

Also, why don't men want to get married? This same guy, just says he will probably end up married, but just doesn't see it happening? He says he likes being selfish at the moment - without a wife. He's 29 (just in case you thought he was youngish), all his mates are married (which makes him sad cos he isn't - but he says he doesn't want to be... grr), and he has a steady income (much much much better than mine!).

Could you please give me some reasons why this is the case - this isn't the only man I know who feels like this.

I keep telling him you will end up lonely and alone - cos every girl eventually wants to get married - especially Christian women - so you won't be able to get away with a serious 'non-married' (even without sex I'm talking about) relationship the rest of your life... He looks sad at this point.

Sorry I was crying all last night about this, cos I just don't get it - he acts like he loves me - but why can't he say it????

 

[gvsuman]

I guess it just depends on the guy, because I don't hesitate to say those three little words 'I Love You'. In fact, I probably use them too much But please dont worry or get upset about his actions. Maybe he just isnt ready to settle down with one obviously wonderful,caring girl. As far as him not saying his 'i love you'...im not sure. Maybe confront him about this? If its screwing with your relationship with him, i'd make it an issue to be addressed.

 

[jko]

It's the type of guy he is. He's afraid to show his affection. Help him bring it out, help him be comfortable with it. He may of had a woman in the past that abused it or teased him about it.

 

[Living4Him03]

Personally, although I love my boyfriend dearly, I won't say "I Love You" to him. I believe it's a sentence that should be followed by "Will you marry me?" or in my case "Yes"...lol. In other words, I want to be engaged before I tell a guy I love him. I think love is more than just what you feel, when you say it I think there also needs to be a committment there. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to tell you he loves you because he doesn't want to make it appear as though he's making some sort of serious committment to you.

If you've dated him for two years and he is not marriage minded and you are, I would say you really need to consider whether God wants the two of you to continue the relationship. Sounds like you are both headed in different directions. Tell him you are looking to get married in the not so distant future and want to be with someone who is going towards the same end.

I think some guys may find it hard to say "I Love You" because there is always that fear of rejection or the girl not yet feeling like she can say it back. Also, some guys show their love instead of saying it and simply don't know that we also need for them to SAY they love us.

Most of the guys I have dated/known wanted to get married in the not so distant future (with a few exceptions). However, I don't think any of them really knew what marriage means or what all it entails and weren't really at a place in getting to know themselves where they were even ready for such a committment.

It could be that your boyfriend wants to get to know himself (yes even at 29 people are still growing) and accomplish some things on his own and enjoy God's blessings for singles before he makes such a huge committment. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem is that you want to get married fairly soon and that is not something he is looking for. This definitely is an issue the two of you need to discuss. It's a biggie.

 

[Received]

As Chesterton once said -- one of the truest statements I've ever encountered:

"The way to love something is to realize that it might be lost."

Either 1) he doesn't realize the total value he has in the person that you are (quite possible with youth, and certainly not necessarily a fault); or 2) his expression is in his action, and not solely his words.

The latter possibility can be a very good thing. There are many who admit the phrase without an idea as to what it holds, and many more would say it out of an indirect form of manipulation (I love you, ignore my blatant faults). I know that, as a guy, the statement "I love you" differs with every guy. For some it takes a long time for the realization of the object of their affection. For others -- including this hopeless poet -- the phrase is admitted towards women they are not even 'dating'.

Sure, hearing the phrase can be very reassuring. But it is infinitely better to have a guy a little too cautious to speak the phrase in seeking know your entire worth than it is to have a guy -- like so many today -- who drop the phrase as if it is nothing.

Have patience, and take heart. There are many subtle ways you can reveal your mind to him; and it is the subtle revelations that tend to catch our attention better than the 'lets have a talk' forms of expression (which can be daunting for anyone).

Blessings.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for the replies - keep em coming as you wish

I am thankful for him - and I think there is some stuff in the past that prevents his ability to say it - and I do agree I'd rather him not say it until he was at the place that marriage is more 'agreeable' to him - but I still admit that hearing it would stop a lot of assumptions!!!

As for me, yes I want to get married - and having friends recently get married and tease you about not being 'like them' does make it worse - but I don't want to yet. I want to go overseas and do heaps of things before that. I guess I just want to know that he does see me as someone who could make him a great wife, rather than just a great person to have a special relationship with. Plus I hate the ambiguity that comes with not knowing - ie his words (not wanting to get married, no 'I love you') conflicting with his behaviour (I can't imagine not being with you, I like you around, I would hate to be alone for the rest of my life, etc etc).

Thanks for the encouragement and the prayers, I need them

Love Sasch

 

[desi]

Why do men find it so hard to say I love you? I've been in a 'relationship' of sorts with a guy for about 2 years now, and I didn't start saying I love you until about a year ago.

Although all his actions show me he does (stroking my hair, holds me and tells me how beautiful I am, gets upset if I talk about seeing another guy, etc), how come he can't say I love you, when eveything he does says that he does?

He doesn't have to so he doesn't. Most people only do what they have to. Also, if he says he loves you it means marriage is almost a given which is probably not what he wants unless he has to do it.

Also, why don't men want to get married? This same guy, just says he will probably end up married, but just doesn't see it happening? He says he likes being selfish at the moment - without a wife. He's 29 (just in case you thought he was youngish), all his mates are married (which makes him sad cos he isn't - but he says he doesn't want to be... grr), and he has a steady income (much much much better than mine!).

Could you please give me some reasons why this is the case - this isn't the only man I know who feels like this.

I keep telling him you will end up lonely and alone - cos every girl eventually wants to get married - especially Christian women - so you won't be able to get away with a serious 'non-married' (even without sex I'm talking about) relationship the rest of your life... He looks sad at this point.

Sorry I was crying all last night about this, cos I just don't get it - he acts like he loves me - but why can't he say it????

My guess is you are having sex with him which is a gooood!!! reason for a guy NOT to get married. Guys are more practical than emotive and most guys want sex at least as much as 'love'. If you want him to marry you stop having sex with him. I apologize, for assuming, if you are not having sex with him. Its just that most guys I know who fit the description you provide are having sex with a girl they like and see no reason to screw it up by marriage "or saying something stupid like I love you".

 

[klewlis]

It sounds as though he likes having you around but is not looking for anything more from your relationship than what he already has. You said you've been dating for two years and have been telling him you love him for one... if he hasn't started by now that sets of major warning bells for me that he is not as into the relationship as you are. I would definitely talk to him about it and find out what he wants from your relationship and where it's going to go. Two years is long enough for him to decide whether he wants to further things or not... and if he doesn't, then you may want to think about ending it (even though that's hard!).

 

[Lbiagm]

i agree with jko.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

um. We're sorry.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

what for??

Not your fault!

Sasch

 

[Card42]

sascha,

it sounds like to me
you may have answered your own question.
you say he "doesn't want to get married right now"
but you said that you don't want to right now.
because you want to travel, etc.
maybe he feels the same way.
that he doesn't really feel pressed for time
and there are other things
he'd like to do first

he may be like me:
fiercely independent.
and frankly,
i find the idea of sharing my life
as pretty scary

or,
it could also be
that you live in the Land Down Under
and from what I understand
all the men plunder
at least that's what
the Men At Work told me
tee hee

 

[oldrooster]

Not all men are like that......

 

[Aussie_Gareth]

I think I've only said "I love you" to my MOTHER probably 1-2 times in my life, and I've never said it to anyone else. But understand there can be reasons why he doesn't say it. My life was full of loneliness, hate and anger, so I don't know what "love" is, so I would NEVER say it to someone unless I believed that I knew it was true.

At least he's not throwing it around trying to get you into bed, like I know a lot of men do.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

IMO

saying "I love you" is borderline commitment. A lot of guys are afraid of commitment. Therefore he will not say it until hes sure. Not to mention, a guy saying "I love you" to a girl, causes her to sometimes create the "but he loves me" emotional attatchment. But again this is merely my own personal speculation.

 

[Received]

Or perhaps:

Give him the love you desire to give him. Fulfill what you have as the ideal, regardless of how he may act towards you in not stating what you want him to. This love will reveal his true motives, for love is a consuming fire. Moreover, this form of expression -- this pure expressive charity based on your affection for him -- will strengthen yourself. What else is the goal of redeemed humanity but to learn to love to the highest degree one can muster, ever increasing for eternity?

 

[klewlis]

Or perhaps:

Give him the love you desire to give him. Fulfill what you have as the ideal, regardless of how he may act towards you in not stating what you want him to. This love will reveal his true motives, for love is a consuming fire. Moreover, this form of expression -- this pure expressive charity based on your affection for him -- will strengthen yourself. What else is the goal of redeemed humanity but to learn to love to the highest degree one can muster, ever increasing for eternity?

This may prove to be the best suggestion yet.

However, it is also the most terrifying.

I think we all desire to give that kind of love completely and fearlessly. But it is difficult to take that risk when you are unsure of the other person's feelings in return (and we have all been burned!). Nevertheless, this is indeed what God does with us, and what he has designed us to do.

 

[ardeur]

Personally, although I love my boyfriend dearly, I won't say "I Love You" to him. I believe it's a sentence that should be followed by "Will you marry me?" or in my case "Yes"...lol. In other words, I want to be engaged before I tell a guy I love him. I think love is more than just what you feel, when you say it I think there also needs to be a committment there. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to tell you he loves you because he doesn't want to make it appear as though he's making some sort of serious committment to you.

That is exactly how I'm approaching this. My boyfriend and I talk about marriage constantly (so it seems) and I will even go so far to say that he's more eager to marry than I am. All is good, though. We have never said "I Love You." We both feel very uncomfortable using that phrase only because it seems right after a committment to marriage has been made. It would feel out of place before then. Actually, we have never discussed love yet. That's party because we have only been together for a year. I know we both have strong mutual feelings for each other, but I have no idea if he loves me or not. It's not time for that yet, but I think we know the proper time for using those words.

 

[FaithfulServant]

These actions you describe show affection, not love. For information on how love is shown, see 1st corinthians chapter 13.

 

[LifeInYou]

My man and I say "I eros love you" to each other so we don't get that whole committment thing confused with mere intense feelings of desire. Or, instead of actually saying 'eros' in the phrase, we do say 'i love you' but we are both aware of what type of love we mean. When the phrase "I love you" is used incorrectly it causes great damage. Your man may have an opinion about love similar to LivingInHim03's, he may only want to say it when he knows he's ready to marry. Just talk to him about it, couples that are going to 'make it' have to be comfortable enough to talk about things like this together. I wish the best for you.