What is Considered Honoring Your Mother and Father and What Isn't?

[HannahElizaW]

Let's say there's a Christian kid who seems to have what is considered (a) "toxic" parent(s) and they're hurting/struggling with it. People notice that the kid comes to church alone but when they ask about the parents/kids' family's whereabouts, the kid doesn't say much other than an expression due to the assumption that saying what the parents'/family are actually doing, to them, seems like dishonoring them.

Let's say certain things the "toxic" parent has done has hurt the kid (emotionally) and the kid is down, but when people ask what's wrong, the kid doesn't say.

Is going to people telling them what's been going on considered okay or more lenient towards gossip and dishonor? What is considered honoring your mother and father and what isn't?

 

[AGTG]

God's ideal is that parents honor Him, and that children honor their parents. We know people don't always rise to God's ideal.

If the parents are not believers who honor God in their life, honoring your parents won't necessarily look the same as if they were actively believing and following God. Why? Because ungodly parents may actively draw a child away from God's will.

This requires wisdom. Good for you God gives wisdom to all who ask for it! Don't be afraid to ask God to help you understand.

All that being said, you came here for practical advice and counsel, but it's not always easy because we don't really know all the details.

In general:

If parents aren't following God, children should be respectful, abstain from wicked practices, and stay close to God through study of His word and prayer until they are old enough to move on from the influence of their parents.

If there are issues of neglect or abuse, talking to a trusted person (and a young woman should talk to another woman, not a man) can help. It's not gossiping. That being said, I encourage you to be very, very careful about trusting just anyone. Sadly, the modern church has a lot of problems itself, which kind of disqualifies it from actually being a helpful, godly presence in the lives of Christians.

The wonderful thing about being completely reliant upon God, His word, His faithfulness, is that you will see awesome things, but it can be scary at times. Hold fast to His promises, trust Him with everything, get into that word and hide it in your heart.

Ask God the tough questions and expect an answer. It may come in a day, or it may take years, but He is faithful.

 

[AGTG]

Also, you do not have to divulge all your personal feelings, situations, or issues to people just because you go to a church with them. Too many Christians think they can force ministry on others simply because they recognize someone may be in need. You are free to be brief and general, letting them know it's not something you want to talk about, and if they love the Lord they will honor that. If not, make it clearer and do not be ashamed.

 

[HannahElizaW]

If there are issues of neglect or abuse, talking to a trusted person (and a young woman should talk to another woman, not a man) can help. It's not gossiping. That being said, I encourage you to be very, very careful about trusting just anyone.

Thank you.

I do have someone in mind. I didn't want to ask anyone that in particular at church because I wasn't quite sure about whether or not it was considered okay...

 

[ValleyGal]

Imo, get to know the kid, build a trusting relationship with him-her, and then if you learn about neglect or abuse, go with the kid to talk to a professional - preferably a social worker who is able to investigate or offer a youth agreement (depending on their age). The kid likely does not know who they can trust, so if you show yourself trustworthy, s-he might disclose to you. But be prepared - if they disclose, you will need to report if there is abuse or neglect, and it would be better if they went with you as a support.

 

[Goodbook]

In case of toxic parents.

This is more prevalent than you might think.
Many of us do not speak out. As children we dont have power to say whats going on because the child is under the parents roof. A consequence of speaking out may mean...the parent will go to jail or the child needs to be separated from the parent...in many divorces, the spouse will get a restraining order to protect themselves but then the child IS STILL vulnerable to the party that had the restraining order.

I find that odd, but the child truly doesnt have a say.

What you can do...pray this situation through. Be the mother or father to this child, let them know they can come to you if they have any problems, or let them know you are praying for them. The church may be their only refuge.

 

[HannahElizaW]

In case of toxic parents.

This is more prevalent than you might think.
Many of us do not speak out. As children we dont have power to say whats going on because the child is under the parents roof. A consequence of speaking out may mean...the parent will go to jail or the child needs to be separated from the parent...in many divorces, the spouse will get a restraining order to protect themselves but then the child IS STILL vulnerable to the party that had the restraining order.

I find that odd, but the child truly doesnt have a say.

What you can do...pray this situation through. Be the mother or father to this child, let them know they can come to you if they have any problems, or let them know you are praying for them. The church may be their only refuge.

It's not so much as physical abuse, no... No, the situation is practically entirely emotional or verbal abuse.

 

[Goodbook]

what happens in those situations is if its mental abuse etc the child may fall ill and need to go to hospital if the parent isn't actually diagnosed with anything. A lot of stress related symptoms occur in children when they are being abused.
Some parents actually have mental disorders that doctors can't really treat and they wouldn't recognise it. A child cannot live in that situation, but they don't really have anywhere to go. If a child has to look after their parents instead of the other way round, say a parent is alcoholic, they may cover it up because their parents tell them to.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Eph 5:30-33 KJV; Eph 6:1-3 KJV
(30) For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
(31) For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
(32) This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
(33) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
(1) Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
(2) Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise ;
(3) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

the key phrase here is 'parents in the Lord'; so i believe this (here in Ephesians) is referring to spiritual parents (those who teach you Truths about God) rather than 'natural' parents; based on the subject and context at the end of chapter 5, which is the church ('body' in verse 5:30 - remember that chapter and verse designations were added by the translators; this was actually a continuous letter when originally written). it's likely that this refers back to the OT:

Exo 20:12 AMP+
(12) "Honor (respect, obey, care for) your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged in the land the LORD your God gives you.

so the meaning here in the OT when God gave this commandment was to not only respect, but to care for your parents - as in help them with work they need done, give them things they need that they lack, etc. as well as respect them. the meaning here is natural parents, but also applies to 'spiritual' parents.

in today's 'politically correct' society, spanking kids is considered abuse; but God sees physical punishment for disobedient kids as necessary:

Pro 23:13-14 KJV
(13) Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
(14) Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

kids have to learn that there are consequences from the world, in this life, for wrong actions (even though Jesus paid for everyone's wrong actions from God's perspective, men have free will and choose to ignore God's wisdom and punish people who break men's laws by locking them up together). until a child can perceive right from wrong and be aware of consequences of breaking men's laws, physical punishment is all that will keep them in check - little Johnny may not understand that stealing his brother's toy truck may lead him to rob a bank and spend years in prison when he's grown up, but he can understand that if he steals his brother's truck, he'll get spanked...

so often times a kid will perceive that he's been abused, when actually he's been disciplined for his own future good.

 

[Goodbook]

The OP was talking about natural parents and I would presume they are not in the Lord as they don't go to church with their child, and there's no reason given i.e that is obvious their parents are housebound, or they go to a different church etc.

A child that has christian parents you would not ever be concerned about as it will be obvious they are loved even if they are apart. Children absolutely know when their parents are disciplining them and when it crosses the line to cruelty. Children DO have a strong sense of justice and its important not to assume oh they just telling tales if a parent is being mean to them. Cruelty in chastisement is never called for.

Symptoms of stress will not show in an emotional healthy child. Remember Jesus does not ever break a bruised reed or snuff out a smoking flax. We are all precious to him, esp children.