I
inhopes
Guest
Hi all,
I don't know how to start talking about my problem, but I'll try my best. I am currently 24 years old, lived in a christian home all my life. My faith was always on and off, as I tackled doubts in my life about God. I had moved to Canada since 9 years go and left my home country. For the past six years, I have been continiously visiting my best friends back home every summer for 2 months, and I come back to Canada to continue my university studying. In 2008 I had graduated and went back home since it was my last free summer vacation ever, and I had to take advantage of that long break. I ended up staying much longer than how much I usually stay. I must describe to you that I am attached to my best friend at the hip. This summer was different. I had acquired a lot of compulsory "where is god?" questions, and I have always had feelings about me being gay or not. During my school years, I grew up being annoyed by men all around the world and I had convinced myself that the world is ridiculous if they had not accepted 2 people of the same sex to be in love. My dad never really showed me the love that I should have gotten from a 'male figure' so I never thought it even existed. I was confused. Moving on with my story, during my time back home as I would spend the whole day with my best friend, I had talked to her about my feelings towards women, I dumped everything I felt on her. My best friend was a good christian. She kept convincing me that not all men are alike, and I had argued her so much, that I started to affect her. Nothing happened till then. I then went back to Canada, and could not stay away from my friends, as they convinced me to go back home and work there for a year - couldn't lose anything, right? Wrong. Anyways, This whole year i spent close to this best friend, I guess all of my views had rubbed off on her. We used to have sleepovers, and unfortunately I did not mean this at all, and don't know how it happened started to touch her. We had a huge connection all our life. I was not thinking sexual. I just loved her so much. I must say that even with my homosexual feelings I never thought I'd act on it. Making this story shorter, things lead to other things, and we became sexually active, and started to love each other like that. For months we tried to stop, and we agreed to stop, only so that I can go back to wanting her again. I didn't anticipate all this pain and hurt, and did not see how it could become such a huge mistake in my life. It was so painful for us, we fought so much over the past months, and I had decided within myself I should go back to canada, my "year" has been over, and so she was devestated so was I. She has never let me down, nor did any wrong to me. I cannot explain how much I love this person, and cannot see my life without my best friend in it. During those past months I have realized that I made a huge mistake by starting anything like it, but she also allowed it. We have decided (not addmitting that we both don't want to) stop this relationship, and that we would try to get over it. We are very close, as I am close to her family as well. I am now back in canada, and for the first week I was not able to get over the fact that we cannot be together. I talked to her everyday, and chat with her for hours, and all we do is cry about the fact that we cannot live without each other. Then suddenly, she said after a long chat that we both drove each other crazy and that we don't deserve this, we should live our life, and give ourselves time to heal. That we should believe in God to heal us. I was very happy and encouraged to hear this. Only to know that it was something she said to me to make me feel better, and that she is not ever going to be over me, and that we should be together. I had ruined her, and me. I explain to her over and over cryingly that I love her more than naything but we cannot continue because of our christian faith, our families and the people we know. She said that she would have never done that to me, that I made the mistake, she was never like this to begin with and that I should be able to put up with the outcome of what I have created. I am deeply sad, and regretful of what I have done, I was young and naive, and I had affected her so much as to change her. She's willing to do anything so that we can be together. I cannot lose this best friend, and she cannot get over it or deal with the fact that I had hurt her so much, and now I am preaching to her when one day she tried to convince me that what I am doing is wrong.
At the end, I am trying so hard, and praying so hard to keep this friendship and have it healed, I still have feelings for her, but she is very sad as to how I have now "woken up" and left her in the dark, destructed. I am very lost and confused, I told her if I could ever be with her, I would be now, but that my heart did not allow me to. I am scared of myself, and not willing to lose her at all.
Any word of advice is more than greatly appreciated as I am delving in the depths of depression to salvage this relationship, and be true to myself, and hopefully God and my family and her family and life.
Thank you,
I don't know how to start talking about my problem, but I'll try my best. I am currently 24 years old, lived in a christian home all my life. My faith was always on and off, as I tackled doubts in my life about God. I had moved to Canada since 9 years go and left my home country. For the past six years, I have been continiously visiting my best friends back home every summer for 2 months, and I come back to Canada to continue my university studying. In 2008 I had graduated and went back home since it was my last free summer vacation ever, and I had to take advantage of that long break. I ended up staying much longer than how much I usually stay. I must describe to you that I am attached to my best friend at the hip. This summer was different. I had acquired a lot of compulsory "where is god?" questions, and I have always had feelings about me being gay or not. During my school years, I grew up being annoyed by men all around the world and I had convinced myself that the world is ridiculous if they had not accepted 2 people of the same sex to be in love. My dad never really showed me the love that I should have gotten from a 'male figure' so I never thought it even existed. I was confused. Moving on with my story, during my time back home as I would spend the whole day with my best friend, I had talked to her about my feelings towards women, I dumped everything I felt on her. My best friend was a good christian. She kept convincing me that not all men are alike, and I had argued her so much, that I started to affect her. Nothing happened till then. I then went back to Canada, and could not stay away from my friends, as they convinced me to go back home and work there for a year - couldn't lose anything, right? Wrong. Anyways, This whole year i spent close to this best friend, I guess all of my views had rubbed off on her. We used to have sleepovers, and unfortunately I did not mean this at all, and don't know how it happened started to touch her. We had a huge connection all our life. I was not thinking sexual. I just loved her so much. I must say that even with my homosexual feelings I never thought I'd act on it. Making this story shorter, things lead to other things, and we became sexually active, and started to love each other like that. For months we tried to stop, and we agreed to stop, only so that I can go back to wanting her again. I didn't anticipate all this pain and hurt, and did not see how it could become such a huge mistake in my life. It was so painful for us, we fought so much over the past months, and I had decided within myself I should go back to canada, my "year" has been over, and so she was devestated so was I. She has never let me down, nor did any wrong to me. I cannot explain how much I love this person, and cannot see my life without my best friend in it. During those past months I have realized that I made a huge mistake by starting anything like it, but she also allowed it. We have decided (not addmitting that we both don't want to) stop this relationship, and that we would try to get over it. We are very close, as I am close to her family as well. I am now back in canada, and for the first week I was not able to get over the fact that we cannot be together. I talked to her everyday, and chat with her for hours, and all we do is cry about the fact that we cannot live without each other. Then suddenly, she said after a long chat that we both drove each other crazy and that we don't deserve this, we should live our life, and give ourselves time to heal. That we should believe in God to heal us. I was very happy and encouraged to hear this. Only to know that it was something she said to me to make me feel better, and that she is not ever going to be over me, and that we should be together. I had ruined her, and me. I explain to her over and over cryingly that I love her more than naything but we cannot continue because of our christian faith, our families and the people we know. She said that she would have never done that to me, that I made the mistake, she was never like this to begin with and that I should be able to put up with the outcome of what I have created. I am deeply sad, and regretful of what I have done, I was young and naive, and I had affected her so much as to change her. She's willing to do anything so that we can be together. I cannot lose this best friend, and she cannot get over it or deal with the fact that I had hurt her so much, and now I am preaching to her when one day she tried to convince me that what I am doing is wrong.
At the end, I am trying so hard, and praying so hard to keep this friendship and have it healed, I still have feelings for her, but she is very sad as to how I have now "woken up" and left her in the dark, destructed. I am very lost and confused, I told her if I could ever be with her, I would be now, but that my heart did not allow me to. I am scared of myself, and not willing to lose her at all.
Any word of advice is more than greatly appreciated as I am delving in the depths of depression to salvage this relationship, and be true to myself, and hopefully God and my family and her family and life.
Thank you,
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