What if

[verob]

What if you're spouse is not a good spouse? What if he doesnt' work as much as you and when he does work all his money goes to what he wants at the time, and he changes jobs on a whim, and you are left supporting your family. What is the best thing to do in this situation?

 

[akmom]

Tell him you want him to contribute more, if that is what you want.

That's kind of where I'm at as a wife. My husband supports the family, and my meager income is basically just for extras. But my husband is fine with that.

 

[Inkachu]

Sit down and explain how you feel. Bring facts to the table, because men respond much better to facts than emotions. Maybe point out something that he spent money on, where you could have paid a particular bill instead, etc. But don't leave your feelings out of it, because as a husband, he needs to care about how you feel.

If you've already tried talking to him, and he still isn't hearing you, set up an appointment with a marriage and/or financial counselor.

 

[verob]

Thanks for the insight. We have talked about it. He has done better since the beginning, but now he is focusing on "his dream". An individual dream, not necessarily one for the whole family. We did go to counseling about a year ago and he SAID all the right things to the pastor and put them in to play long enough to make it seem like he was going to continue doing his part. He is a very manipulative person and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am about to have another child as well and I think that is what is stressing me out so much is that I would appreciate if he would focus on preparing for that with me, instead of chasing a dream. Am I wrong here?

 

[mkgal1]

Guardrails are what's necessary (protecting what you value and keeping your family away from danger---in your case, mostly, financial danger).

I love Andy Stanley's series.....it's not short, but I (personally) feel it's worth the time:

GUARDRAILS PT 1 - FULL MESSAGE - YouTube

 

[Autumnleaf]

Love him and pray for him.

 

[sdmsanjose]

What if

What if you're spouse is not a good spouse? What if he doesnt' work as much as you and when he does work all his money goes to what he wants at the time, and he changes jobs on a whim, and you are left supporting your family. What is the best thing to do in this situation?

I am going to assume two things. The first is that you are accurate in your post and the second is that you and your husband believe that the scriptures and prayer are your guides

Your husband is inconsiderate and selfish. When is does work he takes all the money and spends it on himself and he will change jobs, causing financial hardship and put you in the position of supporting the family.


Now for your question

What is the best thing to do in this situation?

The best thing for you to do is to pray about it and if you know you got an answer from God then you know what to do. If you do not get an answer then talk to your pastor or elders or someone that he will listen to. Someone needs to present your husband with the fact that he is not following the instructions of God.

In this thread MKgal had a link to Andy Stanley’s sermon. One of the points in that sermon was that God wants to be your greatest influence. Your husband needs to be confronted with love and sternness about his selfishness and inconsiderate actions. If your husband takes his Christian faith serious then he will listen to the scriptures and to wisdom.

He needs to know that God wants to be his greatest influence so that he will have protection against disaster and in this case it could wind up being separation or divorce. If he does not get his selfishness and inconsiderate actions under control you will have to fight off resentments. If you do not fight off resentments then bitterness will build and then you know what that leads to. Your husband needs to know that also.

If your husband values God’s ways more than his selfishness then he will make a change. If he does not then eventually he will suffer the consequences. We all have been battling the same problem since Adam and Eve. We are either going to do it God’s way or we are going to try and do it our way.

 

[verob]

Yes. Thank you all of this is good advice. I already feel resentment and bitterness. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It's hard to "re-trust" someone after over time they have not acted responsibly.

 

[Niffer]

I think you need to get a third party involved.
Go back to counseling, and really hash it out with someone who has an unbiased look at things.
Especially when "dreams" are involved.
You always want to encourage and support your spouse when they have 'dreams' of something they'd like to do, so you don't want to trample it and tell them they can't.
That being said, the person with the "dream" needs to understand that they have responsibilities and it can't be about number 1 anymore.

I can easily see why resentment could build up.

((HUGS))
Best of luck!

~ Niffer

 

[musingsofacac]

Thanks for the insight. We have talked about it. He has done better since the beginning, but now he is focusing on "his dream". An individual dream, not necessarily one for the whole family. We did go to counseling about a year ago and he SAID all the right things to the pastor and put them in to play long enough to make it seem like he was going to continue doing his part. He is a very manipulative person and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am about to have another child as well and I think that is what is stressing me out so much is that I would appreciate if he would focus on preparing for that with me, instead of chasing a dream. Am I wrong here?

I Timothy 5:8

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

I am very much believe that unless your husband is sinning, you ought to follow his leadership. But if he is not supporting the family, then you have to step in and work to support the family to make up for his sin. You still need to maintain a respectful attitude toward him as you do what you must. But I believe(and I think based on your post you do to) he is sinning if he is not providing for his family. You don't do something sinful if he asks you to do, and if he is sinning you can bring this truth to your Pastor. I know you said he said all the right things to your Pastor. But I would suggest contacting your Pastor or his wife separately, and showing them the specifics that you are supporting the family and he is not.

His job is to support his family. When my father attended college to follow his dream(which never came to fruition) he also worked and supported our family. He did not see it as an either or thing.

If at the end of the day your Pastor does not agree, then you need to give this to God. You need to pray for your husband. You may have to step in and do what God has called him to do(support the family) until he recognizes his sin. It is unfortunate but this is the reality in many marriages.

I also agree with another poster, that you have to be careful of allowing resentment to grow up in you. This is a problem I have in my marriage toward my wife and it comes and goes. When it rises up(resentment) I have to let it go.

 

[verob]

Thanks again everyone for the great advice