What if the father says no?

[Carri20]

My fiance wants to do the traditional thing and ask my father's permission to marry me, but what if my father says no? The only reason my father would have to say no is that when my fiance asks, they will have just met for the first time (he lives almost 1,000 miles away and is coming for a "visit" in a few months) so my father won't really know who he is. Would it be morally wrong for us to get married anyway, even if my father says no? Thanks in advance for your advice...

 

[bumblebee62331]

My boyfriend and I have talked about this too. He said that if my dad says no, he'll still marry me. I don't know - I honestly think that your parents will say yes, unless he is a drug addict or a completely horrible person. How long have you been dating? You seem old enough to not just be "in love" but not really... you know what I mean? You know what you are doing. I'm sure your parents will support this.

As for whether it's right or not to marry if your dad says no, I'm not sure. I would still want to get married, but I would want my parents totally involved in my wedding and it would be a downer if they didn't like it. I guess if Dad said no, I would then go and sit down with my parents with my boyfriend too and talk about it properly.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

make sure that you tell ur dad more about your boyfriend so that he feels like he knows him. maybe they could speak on the phone to get to know each other. if he says no you don't have to obey what he says. some dads never want their daughters to get married but does that mean you have to stay unmarried for the rest of your life? no.

 

[Singin4Him]

If you father says no then most likely it seems like you understand the reason. Maybe you could try and work something out with your father, ask him for an amount of time to get to know this guy. He can get to know him through email and phone calls and maybe if you compromise he will give things a chance. If you have established a good relationship with your dad remember that the relationship with your dad comes first (until marriage). There is no one in your life that will love you more, fathers are so important so do everything you can to work things out to benefit you both. Also remember, if your boyfriend is the one for you no amount of time will change that.

 

[livingondreams]

My fiance asked my father for permission before he proposed to me, but said that even if the answer had been no, he would have still proposed.

 

[seamonster]

Even if the answer is "no" it's not your father's decision -- it's yours. You're an adult, YOU get to decide who YOU marry.

 

[vibrant]

if you're going to disregard the father's answer if it's not appealing to you, then why bother ask? it leaves the tradition pointless and superficial. furthermore, how would it affect your relationship with the father-in-law/father afterwards if he is not for this marriage and you did it knowing you didn't have his permission.

 

[Linnis]

We didn't ask my Dad, not only because I was an adult living on my own, supporting myself etc etc and because we knew my Dad would say no, my Dad never wanted me to marry, he doesn't think I'm good enough for anyone, thinks I should stay single and live at home and do his laundry etc.

 

[Athene]

You could have a chat with your parents in advance and explain that you and your boyf are thinking about getting married and your boyf wants to ask you're dads permission first and explain your fears to them.

 

[~Nikki~]

You could have a chat with your parents in advance and explain that you and your boyf are thinking about getting married and your boyf wants to ask you're dads permission first and explain your fears to them.

That seems like a good idea!

 

[Carri20]

Hmm, that might be a good idea...about talking to my parents in advance. I guess they could use a heads-up. Otherwise I'm afraid it'll come as too much of a shock.

...But if I do try to talk to them about it, no matter how gently I try to lay it out, I'm afraid we'll end up fighting. My parents and I don't exactly have a good relationship. We tolerate each other most of the time but only if I make sure to fly under the radar and let them play master. Any time I express an opinion different from theirs, or try to do things my own way, I get a colossal verbal beating (and sometimes a physical one too). Even with things as simple as how I fold my laundry or who I say hi to at Wal-Mart. Yes, I have actually been cussed out and called a sl_t for saying hi to a male former coworker in a Wal-Mart store. EVERYTHING has to be done EXACTLY the way my parents would do it, or else I hear about it.

My mother seems to like my fiance based on what I've told her about him, so I think she might be ok after the initial shock. My father on the other hand seems to disapprove of the whole thing. Usually he suppresses his feelings but on occasion when he was upset about something he has said things like "it's a waste of time", referring of course to my relationship. So that's why I'm nervous. I want my parents' blessing, and I like that my fiance wants to shoot for it and ask, but if my father says no I think we will get married anyway. At least then we can say we tried to include my parents. But frankly, if they knew what was best for me in the first place I wouldn't have grown up hearing how "stupid" and "worthless" I am on a daily basis..........ok I'm done, I won't even get started ranting on that subject.

Thanks again for the advice and different viewpoints!

 

[faerieevaH]

Hmm, that might be a good idea...about talking to my parents in advance. I guess they could use a heads-up. Otherwise I'm afraid it'll come as too much of a shock.

...But if I do try to talk to them about it, no matter how gently I try to lay it out, I'm afraid we'll end up fighting. My parents and I don't exactly have a good relationship. We tolerate each other most of the time but only if I make sure to fly under the radar and let them play master. Any time I express an opinion different from theirs, or try to do things my own way, I get a colossal verbal beating (and sometimes a physical one too). Even with things as simple as how I fold my laundry or who I say hi to at Wal-Mart. Yes, I have actually been cussed out and called a sl_t for saying hi to a male former coworker in a Wal-Mart store. EVERYTHING has to be done EXACTLY the way my parents would do it, or else I hear about it.

My mother seems to like my fiance based on what I've told her about him, so I think she might be ok after the initial shock. My father on the other hand seems to disapprove of the whole thing. Usually he suppresses his feelings but on occasion when he was upset about something he has said things like "it's a waste of time", referring of course to my relationship. So that's why I'm nervous. I want my parents' blessing, and I like that my fiance wants to shoot for it and ask, but if my father says no I think we will get married anyway. At least then we can say we tried to include my parents. But frankly, if they knew what was best for me in the first place I wouldn't have grown up hearing how "stupid" and "worthless" I am on a daily basis..........ok I'm done, I won't even get started ranting on that subject.

Thanks again for the advice and different viewpoints!

I'm all for asking parental permission, but in a situation like this, I would advise against it. This day, when you're 21 and your boyfriend still asks permission of your parents to marry you, it is mostly ment as a token of respect. Based on what you say, your parents do not respect you. If you are physically beaten at the age of 21, you are abused at home. Consider moving out or breaking contact even before the wedding.
I've been there. (well, not with the wedding part, that's only coming up now.) Be careful not to let the scars of your parents relation to you be transfered onto your wedding. Make certain the man you marry is going to be a good and kind man, and then, if he wants you to and you love him, marry him. If your parents are the way you describe them, they'll fight you all the way or try to damage your relationship.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i would want him to ask my parents in advance just so that theyd have some heads up and it wouldn't be like "guess what happened today, i got engaged!" i dont wanna surprise them so much that they have a heart attack

 

[Bunnymedic]

It is your descision whether or not you marry him, but if your dad said 'no' I would find out why(especially if your dad is a christian). Parents want their children to be happy. They are not going to say "no" for no reason.Perhaps it will be because they have never met him. I don't know why that is, you don't say.I know my parents would not be to excited if I showed up with some guy they have never seen and say "Oh, Hi mom and Dad, meet Bob, we want to get married!" If not that, maybe they see something you don't because your so in love ! When I went for pre-marrital counseling,our counselor asked my fiance and I about both our parents reaction/thoughts on the marriage. A parent who didn't want the marriage to happen was a big warning sign, even if they weren't christians.

 

[LilNifer04]

My fiance wants to do the traditional thing and ask my father's permission to marry me, but what if my father says no? The only reason my father would have to say no is that when my fiance asks, they will have just met for the first time (he lives almost 1,000 miles away and is coming for a "visit" in a few months) so my father won't really know who he is. Would it be morally wrong for us to get married anyway, even if my father says no? Thanks in advance for your advice...

I have the same problem. Me and my boyfriend are 1000 miles apart too. But we lived in the same city for a year of us being together. About saying No. If its meant to be then God will provide a way and you will get married. If your father sees that you have love for him then your father will grant it! I wish you the best!

Jenn

 

[Inperfected]

Then why ask, if you will go against it anyway.. It's respectful to ask, but less respectful to go against it.

Don't do something you wouldn't want done to yourself.

My fiance and me hadn't let my parents in on it til he asked, and he got a straightout yes. You mite get a yes, or not. But i think it's more a question of shoe you ask, not what if he says no.

 

[~Nikki~]

Then why ask, if you will go against it anyway.. It's respectful to ask, but less respectful to go against it.

Don't do something you wouldn't want done to yourself.

My fiance and me hadn't let my parents in on it til he asked, and he got a straightout yes. You mite get a yes, or not. But i think it's more a question of shoe you ask, not what if he says no.

I agree...what's the point of asking permission if you're going to go ahead anyway no matter what??? Surely it defeats the purpose...you're not actually asking permission, but just going through the motions of doing the traditional thing. If you were actually asking permission and he said no, then you would obey and not do it.

and if you're not asking permission because you'll do your own thing anyway, there doesn't seem much point in asking...because you're not asking in sincerity if you're not going to heed the answer (if it doesn't come out the way you want).

 

[Maeyken]

To me, it's not about asking "permission" but rather asking for your parents' blessing. If it were about asking permission and they said no, then I would think you should not go ahead with it. Since I see it as asking a blessing, you are free to go ahead whether they give their blessing or not, but if they don't then I think it is very important to understand why, and to work through the reasons they find it unacceptable. In the end, some parents do have unreasonable expectations about their kids, but most are generally just concerned about their kids' happiness and well-being.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I think this depends on the relationship between a person and their father. If it's a good relationship, then dad isn't going to say no unless he has some good reasons, or things to think about. Someone who has known you since the day you were born may be worth listening to at least.

 

[Catholic Wife]

...But if I do try to talk to them about it, no matter how gently I try to lay it out, I'm afraid we'll end up fighting. My parents and I don't exactly have a good relationship. We tolerate each other most of the time but only if I make sure to fly under the radar and let them play master. Any time I express an opinion different from theirs, or try to do things my own way, I get a colossal verbal beating (and sometimes a physical one too). Even with things as simple as how I fold my laundry or who I say hi to at Wal-Mart. Yes, I have actually been cussed out and called a sl_t for saying hi to a male former coworker in a Wal-Mart store. EVERYTHING has to be done EXACTLY the way my parents would do it, or else I hear about it.

May I mention here that it sounds as if your parents are toxic and no matter what you do, you will probably never please them? I should know, my parents sound like yours (except for the physical abuse). I can say with confidence that the best way for your to be happy is to "cut the cord". Honor your mother and father? Yes! But stand up for yourself and your right to be treated with respect! Nobody has the right to treat you the way your parents do - NOBODY!

My mother seems to like my fiance based on what I've told her about him, so I think she might be ok after the initial shock. My father on the other hand seems to disapprove of the whole thing. Usually he suppresses his feelings but on occasion when he was upset about something he has said things like "it's a waste of time", referring of course to my relationship. So that's why I'm nervous. I want my parents' blessing, and I like that my fiance wants to shoot for it and ask, but if my father says no I think we will get married anyway. At least then we can say we tried to include my parents.

Asking for their blessing is a wonderful gesture of love and good will on your part. The only thing you can do is try to include them. However they respond is their choice (remember that God gives us each free will). It's up to each of us to make our own choices. But, if your parents don't "approve", know that you will probably have to plan (and pay for) the wedding without your parents' help.