what helped you?

[jsimms615]

I am currently working as a chaplain in a hospital. In the process of doing that I often encounter times when people are at the end of their rope or a loved one is dying or has recently died. I am wondering if some of you would share what helped you in those minutes, hours or days after you lost someone close to you. I think it would be helpful for me to know as a chaplain.

I know when my grandfather died, I was actually at a chaplaincy training event in San Antonio, which my grandfather was dying and then did die in Ohio. I recall one chaplain who talked quite a bit and I wanted badly to tell him to shut up. Another one simply listened and expressed his sympathy and I didn't want him to leave.

What helped you?
What didn't help?

 

[faithgoeson]

I can't say much really helped when I lost my husband. I got very little support from my family or church as they were all so hurt and shocked. A murder is just too much to absorb in a small, close-knit community. Everyone knew my husband, it seemed. People were so focuse on themselves, my children and I really had to go it alone. I can say finding people on-line who were veteran widows helped me more than anything. The best thing you can do is listen. Don't be afraid to ask how they are doing. There have been many times, even now, that I just wish someone would ask me how I'm doing. No one wants to for fear of how we'll answer. A phone call just to say hi can mean the world to someone hurting. Offer to run errands, cook meals, etc. No one did that for us, and I certainly would have appreciated it. Even just a babysitter for an hour would have done wonders for my recovery. Try to introduce someone into their life that has gone through the same thing. A common ground can be very helpful. Some people take comfort in knowing God is in control, while others don't even want to hear about God when they are hurting. I always welcomed any words of encouragement that were based on Christian values, but others might not. Some people really don't want to hear that their loved one is in a better place. At least not at first. That's my two cents. God bless.

 

[deeatwork]

I think what helped me was that when I was with my husband when he died he kept lifting up his arms and smiling and shaking his head yes as if someone was there. I believe angels or loved ones were there to take him home and it gives me comfort when I think of it.

 

[Akathist]

One thing that I think it important is to realize that not every one reacts as one would expect. There are no real "stages" of grief. This is a misunderstanding. Instead there are aspects of grief that come and go in various orders.

For some people it is shock and they stay in emotional shock for hours or days.

I think this is something that their mind needs. It is protective and it helps them to slowly come to terms with the loss. To help them, I would encourage you to let them know you are available and to focus on helping them make hard decisions when their brains might not be functioning so well.

When in emotional shock they may forget to eat or not want to bother cooking or doing housework or errands. Finding someone who will help with those things would be especially helpful.

Other people respond with weaping and crying and deep sadness. They also might need someone to help with basic care things and decisions and so forth. But they also need someone who is willing to listen over and over to the same things and to sit with them when they cry and give them hugs or hold thier hands, etc.

Then there are the people who shut down. They are not really in shock, they are the "lets get stuff done" kind of frame of mind. They want people to give them lots of emotional space and they want to be busy with details and getting things done. They might get angry if someone tells them not to cook or run errands because that is what they feel they need to do to cope.

So, to help best, try to see where the person who is grieving is right now, not assume they should be reacting some other way then how they are. Check to see if they need basic help with things and if they have a support person, etc.

Another thing for a Hospital Chaplin is to remember that people have much different beliefs about the afterlife even though they are Christian. Putting your own views out like they are the only right ones will cause problems with your ability to help them. If I were the person grieving I would desperately need you to help me find or contact my own Priest or at least an Eastern Orthodox Priest, I would want you to help me be able to find a place to pray privately and to help me find a book of Psalms if I don't have one with me. i would want you to help me deal with the hospital staff and so forth so that the religious beliefs I have about the care of the body is respected.

Having someone tell me during that time that my beliefs about death and so forth are wrong would just be too overwelming for me personally.

 

[xxxSammixxx]

I am currently working as a chaplain in a hospital. In the process of doing that I often encounter times when people are at the end of their rope or a loved one is dying or has recently died. I am wondering if some of you would share what helped you in those minutes, hours or days after you lost someone close to you. I think it would be helpful for me to know as a chaplain.

I know when my grandfather died, I was actually at a chaplaincy training event in San Antonio, which my grandfather was dying and then did die in Ohio. I recall one chaplain who talked quite a bit and I wanted badly to tell him to shut up. Another one simply listened and expressed his sympathy and I didn't want him to leave.

What helped you?
What didn't help?

When my son died, the most important thing to me was to keep his memory alive. In the days following his death, I built a website to share pictures of his life and memories of him. I also added a guestbook for others to share their memories of him. I have to say that this was the most helpful thing for me. The things that people wrote there meant so much to me. Now, 5 months after his death, people still tell me that they log in to the site often. I know I do. I go there to see his face, hear his voice, and remember. I cannot send you a link here as i don't have 15 posts yet, but you are welcome to email me for the url if you know of anyone interested in doing something like this.

 

[jsimms615]

I can't say much really helped when I lost my husband. I got very little support from my family or church as they were all so hurt and shocked. A murder is just too much to absorb in a small, close-knit community. Everyone knew my husband, it seemed. People were so focuse on themselves, my children and I really had to go it alone. I can say finding people on-line who were veteran widows helped me more than anything. The best thing you can do is listen. Don't be afraid to ask how they are doing. There have been many times, even now, that I just wish someone would ask me how I'm doing. No one wants to for fear of how we'll answer. A phone call just to say hi can mean the world to someone hurting. Offer to run errands, cook meals, etc. No one did that for us, and I certainly would have appreciated it. Even just a babysitter for an hour would have done wonders for my recovery. Try to introduce someone into their life that has gone through the same thing. A common ground can be very helpful. Some people take comfort in knowing God is in control, while others don't even want to hear about God when they are hurting. I always welcomed any words of encouragement that were based on Christian values, but others might not. Some people really don't want to hear that their loved one is in a better place. At least not at first. That's my two cents. God bless.

I'm sorry that you lost your husband. That must be tough with three kids. Even without them it would be hard. I had a man who I was with in the emergency room about a week ago that lost his wife of 48 years. She died in route to the hospital and I had to be with him when the doctor told him.
All I really could do is listen. We spent about an hour with her waiting for their son to get to the hospital. I didn't feel like I did a thing and then he was so grateful when they were leaving that I was there. I couldn't believe he was thanking me when I don't think I said 10 words most of the time.
J

 

[jsimms615]

One thing that I think it important is to realize that not every one reacts as one would expect. There are no real "stages" of grief. This is a misunderstanding. Instead there are aspects of grief that come and go in various orders.

For some people it is shock and they stay in emotional shock for hours or days.

I think this is something that their mind needs. It is protective and it helps them to slowly come to terms with the loss. To help them, I would encourage you to let them know you are available and to focus on helping them make hard decisions when their brains might not be functioning so well.

When in emotional shock they may forget to eat or not want to bother cooking or doing housework or errands. Finding someone who will help with those things would be especially helpful.

Other people respond with weaping and crying and deep sadness. They also might need someone to help with basic care things and decisions and so forth. But they also need someone who is willing to listen over and over to the same things and to sit with them when they cry and give them hugs or hold thier hands, etc.

Then there are the people who shut down. They are not really in shock, they are the "lets get stuff done" kind of frame of mind. They want people to give them lots of emotional space and they want to be busy with details and getting things done. They might get angry if someone tells them not to cook or run errands because that is what they feel they need to do to cope.

So, to help best, try to see where the person who is grieving is right now, not assume they should be reacting some other way then how they are. Check to see if they need basic help with things and if they have a support person, etc.

Another thing for a Hospital Chaplin is to remember that people have much different beliefs about the afterlife even though they are Christian. Putting your own views out like they are the only right ones will cause problems with your ability to help them. If I were the person grieving I would desperately need you to help me find or contact my own Priest or at least an Eastern Orthodox Priest, I would want you to help me be able to find a place to pray privately and to help me find a book of Psalms if I don't have one with me. i would want you to help me deal with the hospital staff and so forth so that the religious beliefs I have about the care of the body is respected.

Having someone tell me during that time that my beliefs about death and so forth are wrong would just be too overwelming for me personally.

I would never tell another person that their religious beliefs were wrong. Part of the job of a chaplain in a hospital setting is to help that person or family express their spiritual beliefs whatever they are. If I am asked my personal beliefs then I will say, but it isn't up to me to preach or impose my beliefs on someone else.
In fact, most of the time I end up doing some reflective listening to them and let them tell me their stories if they want to. I try my best to be there in whatever way they want me to. Keep in mind, that the grief is often so fresh that I often know about the death or accident long before the family does.
J

 

[ezylemon]

The chaplain in the hospital where my husband died really irked me by always touching me. He would put his arm around me and I would hate it but too emotional to tell him to stop. He should have asked permission.

 

[beautyofwisdom]

Keeping the memory alive was very important to me and I've heard alot of other say the same thing. A lot of my family members and friends didn't know what to do. Some tried talking, staying around, keep us busy, but what helped me alot was just the opposite of what they thought they should do. Old pictures, and things that he'd given other family members...that made me smile. It was like it gave me the opportunity to really, really see his relationship with others, and I appreciated that.
As for getting me though easier....I'd have to say that it is something that is a little out of the mainstream way of thinking. In a dream that I had shortly after my son's death he expressed to me that in order for him to move on to be with GOD, he needed to know that I was okay.
So, that thought....the thought that my letting him go and beginning the healing process would release him into the arms of GOD.

 

[Nilla]

Talking helped me...and someone who listened. Talking both with family and with friends. What also helped me was that one of my friends told my cellgroup what had happend so I didn't have to do that myself.

Something that helped above all was PRAYERS. I can't say that enough. Knowing that there are many people praying for you is a thought beyond everything. being carried by God.

Something to remember apart from the fact that all won't react the way you think that will react is that there is no "right" words to say. Just being there and letting them know that you share their loss is enough.
For some a hug might mean the world, while others just want to be by themselves. it's so individual.

Aks God for guidance in every situation and He will let you know.

God bless you and your work.

 

[Mskedi]

I am currently working as a chaplain in a hospital. In the process of doing that I often encounter times when people are at the end of their rope or a loved one is dying or has recently died. I am wondering if some of you would share what helped you in those minutes, hours or days after you lost someone close to you. I think it would be helpful for me to know as a chaplain.

I know when my grandfather died, I was actually at a chaplaincy training event in San Antonio, which my grandfather was dying and then did die in Ohio. I recall one chaplain who talked quite a bit and I wanted badly to tell him to shut up. Another one simply listened and expressed his sympathy and I didn't want him to leave.

What helped you?
What didn't help?

When my grandmother was dying, who was (and still is to some degree) the center of our family, it was the chaplain who held us together. She frequently checked on my grandfather, which helped a lot since most of us were having such a hard time ourselves it was hard to be a support to anyone else, she led us in prayer, and she spent time learning about who my grandmother was to us and to our community. She learned so much, in fact, that we had her officate our grandmother's service and she did a wonderful job saying things we wanted to say but wouldn't have been able to with all the crying.

She did more listening than talking, and I think that's exactly what we needed.

 

[rushingwind62]

I am currently working as a chaplain in a hospital. In the process of doing that I often encounter times when people are at the end of their rope or a loved one is dying or has recently died. I am wondering if some of you would share what helped you in those minutes, hours or days after you lost someone close to you. I think it would be helpful for me to know as a chaplain.

I know when my grandfather died, I was actually at a chaplaincy training event in San Antonio, which my grandfather was dying and then did die in Ohio. I recall one chaplain who talked quite a bit and I wanted badly to tell him to shut up. Another one simply listened and expressed his sympathy and I didn't want him to leave.

What helped you?
What didn't help?

Sometimes there are things that only time can heal. I lost my dad 3 years ago. Dad had been sick a long time and we knew he was dying a slow death. What helped me and my family was our pastor who was there for us through his sickness and death. He didn't really say anything, he was just there for us and would listen and cry with us. Be there for those who are going through something similar and remember your own experience in the process. But at the same time evaluate each situation. Sometimes comforting words do need to be said and the death of someone can be instrumental in leading someone to Christ and/or showing them the love of God. It takes time but you learn to read people and what they need. And don't get discouraged if someone gets upset and tells you to shut up. Remember they are grieving and one of the emotions that does come in the grieving is anger. In that case just be there for them, listen, and help in any other way you can.

Also when someone is given a death sentence and must go through suffering, don't just acknowledge the one who is sick and dying. The family needs counseling too. It is very hard to watch someone you love slowly die a little more each day. Be there for them, and a good way to do that is to offer to sit with the sick for awhile and give the caretaker a break. Because caregivers often go through and are already stuck in the grieving process before their loved one ever passes away.

May God be with you and lead you in your calling.....Rush

 

[PaulaPadKy]

I came tonight to this site out of a random search. My sister and her husband were murdered in 1984 when I was 13. I am now 39. At that point in my life I lost every shred of faith I had. No words of wisdom could have helped me. Later in life after marriage and 2 kids and slowly turning back to God in prayer and returning to church after being gone for so many years I gained my faith and treasure it and the well being of my husband and children more than any silver and gold there could be. In 2003 my father perished at home in a fire. Then this July my mother was murdered in her home. No one has been punished or blamed. It’s assumed a home invasion gone very badly. I think my sisters are in emotional turmoil and they can’t understand my patience. After finding myself I have worked very hard in understand being humble and appreciate every blessing that God has graced me with. After my mom died I went to see my pastor. I am not very close to him nor did I think he had any answers for me. I went to him because to me church is extended family. I respect him and wanted him to know. I think when we are at our absolute weakest point we need someone just to be there. The kindness and patience, that simple show humbleness, to our loss and our grief and offer of support was all that was needed. I think sometimes people talk too much and a lot of times others realize our actions as much as they do our words. If you remain focused on their grief and sorrow and just be there for them they will appreciate it. It’s not always the words that they need but the feel of love and support.

 

[Amin]

Hi,
I wanted to say that before the death of my mother and father i felt angry with God, thinking He would take away the ones that i loved.
The anger was real, even tho I'm a christian.
I'm not sure if anyone could have said anything to me that would have taken that away.
I probably would have said; How do you know, you're not the one going thru this!
To me i think the fact that my pastor was there, was comforting enough to me, without him saying anything. He would say; Is there anything you want me to do.
In that sense he knew what i wanted because of how he asked the question, Is there anything you want me to do? My answering would have told him exactly what i nedded.
Then when they passed away, his being there took on a different
character. Then he was there for me to lean on, and that comforted me knowing he was there in that capacity.
I guess if i had any advice, it would be to try and see how the person is feeling, if possible, and just use
common sense in reacting to how they feel.
You can usually tell by their( my)
emotions just what is needed to
help them.
I hope I've made some sense and helped even a little.
Bless You.
Chuck.

 

[jsimms615]

Hi,
I wanted to say that before the death of my mother and father i felt angry with God, thinking He would take away the ones that i loved.
The anger was real, even tho I'm a christian.
I'm not sure if anyone could have said anything to me that would have taken that away.
I probably would have said; How do you know, you're not the one going thru this!
To me i think the fact that my pastor was there, was comforting enough to me, without him saying anything. He would say; Is there anything you want me to do.
In that sense he knew what i wanted because of how he asked the question, Is there anything you want me to do? My answering would have told him exactly what i nedded.
Then when they passed away, his being there took on a different
character. Then he was there for me to lean on, and that comforted me knowing he was there in that capacity.
I guess if i had any advice, it would be to try and see how the person is feeling, if possible, and just use
common sense in reacting to how they feel.
You can usually tell by their( my)
emotions just what is needed to
help them.
I hope I've made some sense and helped even a little.
Bless You.
Chuck.

I know I was with a lady early Sunday morning when her husband was brought into our emergency room having had a cardiac arrest. He had to be put on a vent to breath and the wife was in the family waiting room crying on her knees. We have a special waiting room where families can have some privacy.
I prayed some and told her I was remembering the scripture where Hezekiah turned to the wall and cried. It was God who told Isaiah to go back and say to Hezekiah "I see your tears and I hear your prayer." I told her that God also saw her heartache and tears and heard her prayer.
I found out today that that man died that same day later on. I am not sure how many hours later.

 

[Amin]

I know I was with a lady early Sunday morning when her husband was brought into our emergency room having had a cardiac arrest. He had to be put on a vent to breath and the wife was in the family waiting room crying on her knees. We have a special waiting room where families can have some privacy.
I prayed some and told her I was remembering the scripture where Hezekiah turned to the wall and cried. It was God who told Isaiah to go back and say to Hezekiah "I see your tears and I hear your prayer." I told her that God also saw her heartache and tears and heard her prayer.
I found out today that that man died that same day later on. I am not sure how many hours later.

I would wonder what to do in a situation like that myself.
It's atime of hurried thoughts and feelings.
There was no way you could have known what was going to happen.
I probably would have said much the same, she definitely needed comforting.
I think since we know God and His spirit
Indwells us, I'd probably go with my gut feeling as to what to do. It could be God telling you how to handle things.
Sometimes our first thoughts in a situation like that are the best ones.
Chuck.

 

[jsimms615]

I would wonder what to do in a situation like that myself.
It's atime of hurried thoughts and feelings.
There was no way you could have known what was going to happen.
I probably would have said much the same, she definitely needed comforting.
I think since we know God and His spirit
Indwells us, I'd probably go with my gut feeling as to what to do. It could be God telling you how to handle things.
Sometimes our first thoughts in a situation like that are the best ones.
Chuck.

I should say I believe with all my heart that God did hear that prayer. He took that man home to be with him instead of letting him suffer some more. That is mercy.
J

 

[rushingwind62]

I should say I believe with all my heart that God did hear that prayer. He took that man home to be with him instead of letting him suffer some more. That is mercy.
J

I have done the same with my aumt and dad....prayed for God's will to be done. Either heal them otr take them home, but to end their suffering one way or another. In both instances within a matter of a few minutes God took them home. I too have no doubt about God's mercy. It may not be what we truly want or in the way we want, but He does hear and answer our cries. God Bless You!!!

 

[Katieg]

It has been 11 years since I lost my mother and I have realized that this grief never will go away – it will just change over time. And it takes a long time – not what everyone else would like it to take – like a month or two!!!! What is wrong with these people who do not understand the pain that is involved with this process. I finally found a book on Amazon.com that really helped. It was an easy read and seemed to “speak” to me and made me understand that what I went through was the “norm” and I was not abnormal or nuts!! It talked about the culture we live in as well and why it makes things so difficult.
The name of the book was Baby Boomers Face Grief but it talked generally about grief and a little bit about why this will be so hard for Baby Boomers.
Kate

 

[ozmum]

When my daughter lost her son unexpectedly ,she found that praising God made a huge difference.Praise is an act of faith .She didn't feel like praising but she did it anyway.
Her story is in Enrich Your Prayer Life avaliable at
www.homechurchresources.com
also if you go to Worship diary ,you will find an entry that will take you to more of her story.