What happens after no?

[boilerblues]

From the ladies and from the guys I'd like to have your thoughts on what happens after a guy asks a lady out and she says no (or the various polite versions of no). I know there won't be an answer that covers all situations, but in general. Should the guy take no as no, or should he still make an effort to pursue? I tend to take the no to mean no, I work to let go of my feelings and move on. I give her space so I can let go and she doesn't get scared that I'm still in pursuit of her. I think that primarily comes from a situation 4 years ago where there was a gal that we really seemed to click. I expressed my interest, she said no, I thought we were still going to be cool as friends. Through various circumstances (including her becoming rather paranoid, my accountability partner and other guys making up stories to tell her, and my being very upset over being lied to and played with) I ended up being asked to leave the house church and almost asked to leave the church (I found out 2 years later that she had purposely toyed with my heart, she liked the attention). So anymore when I ask a girl out and she says no I take a major step back to give her space.

I'm also interested in thoughts on how guy/gal friendships continue after a guy asks a gal out and she says no. Obviously from the previous paragraph I give a woman space for a while, but is it possible to remain good friends afterwards? I often feel like if I ask a girl out I'm either going to gain a girlfriend or I'm going to lose a friend. I know it's possible to remain friends after asking a lady out, but to what extent?

Just looking for people's thoughts as I'm examining how I respond to rejection to see if I'm responding in the correct way or if I'm burning my own bridges.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Well, to me, no means no. If I tell a fellow no that I don't want to date, then that is what I mean. I think you are right in what you described you did.

As to the friend possibility, I think that just depends on the people involved. I have had friendships with guys I wasn't interested in dating, but I did like them as friends. I have also had friendships with fellows I was interested in, but they did not return the interest in dating. One of my best friends in high school was a guy that I had a major crush on in Jr. High (and he knew it!) In 10th grade English, we had assigned seats beside each other. We just started talking one day and ended up becoming very close friends. (My crush had passed by that time!) Sometimes it takes along time for the friendship to develop in those type of situations. Again, I think it just depends on the person and how they look at (and deal with) relationships (romantic and non-romantic) in their lives.

 

[boilerblues]

And to clarify the question about no being no, I hear from women that they want to be pursued. But when she has said no, the line between pursued and stalking is very very foggy and can be very subjective.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Well, as stated earlier, for me and most women I do believe no really does mean no. If she's interested in going out, she would have said yes (assuming that she is mature woman).

In regards to women wanting to be pursued, well I think those type of women believe that there are certain things that a man should do/certain ways to act that PROVES you are interested in them. For example, if you are interested you will do things like calling constantly, sending flowers or some other token of affection, doing things to impress her, etc. You must do all this in order for her to even consider talking to you, much less date.

Anything more than that (like a woman wanting you to constantly ask her out in order for it to seem like you are begging to date her) is just a game or a woman playing "hard to get" which goes into the realm of silliness to me.

ETA: I think its all silliness to me actually. If you are interested in someone, just be yourself and let them know. If you're not, let them know too (just be gentle). Games are for Parker Brothers....

 

[Fatolia]

Hmmm....

If I am interested in someone, I let them know it at the appropriate time. If I get the "I'm not ready for a relationship right now; let's be friends" bit, that's cool, but I hold the person to their word. I hope to be able to build a friendship with the person. IT NEVER HAPPENS. Without resorting to self-pity, I'll just say this---She always seems to fade into oblivion, which hurts me greatly. It's like I never hear or see from her again...weird. When I take great aims to only spend 20 minutes with her every six months, it's like she occupies her time purposely so that I cannot reach her. Don't friends try to contact each other, and even moreso, if one contacts the other, the other party is enthusiastic to talk? Very irritating.

If someone is interested in me, and I'm in my singleness crusade mood, I try to say it straight without hurting her feelings. I don't believe in crushes...bonds take time to build. Yet, believing this, I give everyone a fair chance. I give my word that I will try to build a friendship with the woman, hoping that she does the same. I contact and encourage the woman, trying to build her up in Christ. But what happens? Anger, stubbornness, bitterness towards men, and worst of all...the cold shoulder again. Oops, maybe I should have become emotionally attached to her afterall. I guess I'm just no good with the ladies.

I guess there's always men, right? It just always seems that if a guy expresses his interest in me, however, I start laughing. Sorry but I'm cruel. I'm never able to let myself get close to a guy. :-( *frowny* *teer-teer*

 

[desi]

From my experience the first no means try again with a less heavy offer, such as 'You're right dinner takes too long and I've got business I can't blow off at 6:00. How about a quick ice cream malted?' The second no means give up for now and offer a minor comeback-'You're right, Your jeans look a bit too tight. Maybe some other time.' and split the scene. This knocks her off balance and flips a circuit breaker in her about how she feels toward you. She usually goes from bored to minor hostility, which you can work with later.

 

[iwillxa100]

Hmmm....

If I am interested in someone, I let them know it at the appropriate time. If I get the "I'm not ready for a relationship right now; let's be friends" bit, that's cool, but I hold the person to their word. I hope to be able to build a friendship with the person. IT NEVER HAPPENS. Without resorting to self-pity, I'll just say this---She always seems to fade into oblivion, which hurts me greatly. It's like I never hear or see from her again...weird. When I take great aims to only spend 20 minutes with her every six months, it's like she occupies her time purposely so that I cannot reach her. Don't friends try to contact each other, and even moreso, if one contacts the other, the other party is enthusiastic to talk? Very irritating.

If someone is interested in me, and I'm in my singleness crusade mood, I try to say it straight without hurting her feelings. I don't believe in crushes...bonds take time to build. Yet, believing this, I give everyone a fair chance. I give my word that I will try to build a friendship with the woman, hoping that she does the same. I contact and encourage the woman, trying to build her up in Christ. But what happens? Anger, stubbornness, bitterness towards men, and worst of all...the cold shoulder again. Oops, maybe I should have become emotionally attached to her afterall. I guess I'm just no good with the ladies.

I guess there's always men, right? It just always seems that if a guy expresses his interest in me, however, I start laughing. Sorry but I'm cruel. I'm never able to let myself get close to a guy. :-( *frowny* *teer-teer*

I couldnt agree with you more. Whenever I try to explicitly show interest in a woman, but I find out that she doesnt like, but says "I like you as a friend",
we never end up remaining friends.

I dont know why its like that. I think that I am mature enough to handle a friendship with a woman after she turns me down (it depends on the way she turns me down). But it doesnt seem like most women are mature enough to return the friendship favor.

I have found after turning girls down though (If I am the one that turns THEM down), that even though they are bitter towards me for awhile, that I have still been able to remain friends with them afterwards. Not super duper close friends, but still friends. ironic, eh?



Oh, and here's something else to throw out there for you guys to think about:

A women could say no, but does that mean no forever? How long should you wait before asking her again?
Ex: what if the woman didnt want to date during the time that the man first asked her out. Or what if she was interested in someone else at the time? Or what if she just didnt know what she wanted in a man.

Should he be allowed to ask her out again? Like a year later?

 

[wildthing]

From my experience the first no means try again with a less heavy offer, such as 'You're right dinner takes too long and I've got business I can't blow off at 6:00. How about a quick ice cream malted?' The second no means give up for now and offer a minor comeback-'You're right, Your jeans look a bit too tight. Maybe some other time.' and split the scene. This knocks her off balance and flips a circuit breaker in her about how she feels toward you. She usually goes from bored to minor hostility, which you can work with later.

LOL. I give you a ten for being funny. Now who writes your stuff?

 

[wvmtnkid]

Well, as stated earlier, for me and most women I do believe no really does mean no. If she's interested in going out, she would have said yes (assuming that she is mature woman).


ETA: I think its all silliness to me actually. If you are interested in someone, just be yourself and let them know. If you're not, let them know too (just be gentle). Games are for Parker Brothers....

I agree, both men and women should stop the gaming playing. If you are interested in someone, be sincere and say yes if they ask you out. If you aren't interested, then say no. If you want to remain friends, then work on it. Sometimes there is awkardness after an initial turn down, but if both people are interested in the friendship, then work on it. If you don't want to be friends, don't say you do and then completely ignore the other person. That just leads to more confusion. But just understand that not all people want to be your friend after you have expressed an interest in them that they do not return.

The bottom line is say what you mean. I'll admit I have problems doing this sometimes, because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. However, I am learning it is better just to be honest and work on things from there.

 

[infantyouthpastor]

I've had both situations happen...My best friend in the whole world is a girl that I was interested in a while back. After I told her, it took nearly a month of being seperated, but now we're back to our normal selves. I think Michael W. Smith was right with his song "Friends", as much as I dislike the song. If the Lord is in the center of the friendship, then all will be well. Dependence is what we all need....we just lose sight of that sometimes.

 

[Eagle_Wings]

With me, I know that when I tell a guy no, it's not just "no" but I explain why, that way there isn't any misunderstanding. I tend to have a different view on dating anyways, I'll go out and do things with a guy, but I will only date a guy that I have come to know as a friend. When I tell a guy no, I do want to remain friends, but in both situations that hasn't happened. The first guy has stopped talking to me altogether and now completely ignores me, and we were friends before he asked me out. The second guy, I just don't think really gets it, we are on two totally different wavelengths anyway.

 

[the_man]

And to clarify the question about no being no, I hear from women that they want to be pursued. But when she has said no, the line between pursued and stalking is very very foggy and can be very subjective.

If a woman says no, I take that as the door is closed, locked, bolted, chair and plank across it. The consequence of this is that even if she "comes around", it's no longer an option in my book hence, nothing will happen. The reason I feel I can do this is because (thru experience) I know when the window of opporunity (I'll explain later) is open. If she can say no in this window, she will never be able to say yes. This is not a hard rule, but it's a pretty firm one.

What typically happens in rejection cases is that an approach can come at the wrong time in a relationship (as Fatolia pointed out). If it comes too soon, the other party (most times the woman) would say no. If it comes too late, the other party (most times the woman) would say no. There is a window of opportunity that opens up when both parties would be interested. The trick ofcourse is knowing when this window is opened or not. And, I should add, this window is bigger for some than others, depends on the people involved.

And what people call 'games' I call a dance. There is a dance that has to go on. You don't meet someone and say "hey I fear the Lord and I'm ready to get married" and they say "me too" and a relationship starts. There is a dance that occurs and some people know how to better than others (some people try to bust running man to Frank Sinatra, that's another issue). Now someone that wants to play with your emotions because they like the attention is neither dancing or playing a game; they are just being cruel.

There is a reason Prov. 30:19 includes "the way of a man with a maiden" in things that are amazing and not easy to understand. While there are general principles that work, we can not neglect the mystery aspect of how people get together.

 

[iwillxa100]

If a woman says no, I take that as the door is closed, locked, bolted, chair and plank across it. The consequence of this is that even if she "comes around", it's no longer an option in my book hence, nothing will happen. The reason I feel I can do this is because (thru experience) I know when the window of opporunity (I'll explain later) is open. If she can say no in this window, she will never be able to say yes. This is not a hard rule, but it's a pretty firm one.

What typically happens in rejection cases is that an approach can come at the wrong time in a relationship (as Fatolia pointed out). If it comes too soon, the other party (most times the woman) would say no. If it comes too late, the other party (most times the woman) would say no. There is a window of opportunity that opens up when both parties would be interested. The trick ofcourse is knowing when this window is opened or not. And, I should add, this window is bigger for some than others, depends on the people involved.

And what people call 'games' I call a dance. There is a dance that has to go on. You don't meet someone and say "hey I fear the Lord and I'm ready to get married" and they say "me too" and a relationship starts. There is a dance that occurs and some people know how to better than others (some people try to bust running man to Frank Sinatra, that's another issue). Now someone that wants to play with your emotions because they like the attention is neither dancing or playing a game; they are just being cruel.

There is a reason Prov. 30:19 includes "the way of a man with a maiden" in things that are amazing and not easy to understand. While there are general principles that work, we can not neglect the mystery aspect of how people get together.

sadly, I have to agree with you and say that this is probably the way things work for most people.
Truthfully, I would rather just forget the dance alltogether and meet a woman. I wish that the only thing that was necessary was: getting to know each other and deciding whether or not they are a compatible mate. Unfortunately, it doesnt work that way, u have to dance the dance as well.

A woman might say no to some guy they arent attracted to. But what if that guy loses some weight, gets more muscular, fit, and into really good shape.
Gains a lot of confidence, gets better with his social skills, gets a better job, etc. etc.
Then the woman might say yes if he were to ask her out again. Or maybe he has a complete character change, where before he wasnt close with the Lord, but now he is. That would be another reason why a woman would be willing to say yes later, but not earlier.

All I know is that I dont shut the window of opportunity on other women. That window is open for as long as I am alive (and single ) Women will have chances with me, provided they work on themselves to fit the part.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

And what people call 'games' I call a dance. There is a dance that has to go on. You don't meet someone and say "hey I fear the Lord and I'm ready to get married" and they say "me too" and a relationship starts. There is a dance that occurs and some people know how to better than others (some people try to bust running man to Frank Sinatra, that's another issue). Now someone that wants to play with your emotions because they like the attention is neither dancing or playing a game; they are just being cruel.

There is a reason Prov. 30:19 includes "the way of a man with a maiden" in things that are amazing and not easy to understand. While there are general principles that work, we can not neglect the mystery aspect of how people get together.

Would you say that the "dance" you speak of is very similar to courting?

I'm trying to understand, because when I think of "games" I think of silly things like not calling someone back on purpose in order to make them "want you more" - things like that.

 

[the_man]

I wish that the only thing that was necessary was: getting to know each other and deciding whether or not they are a compatible mate. Unfortunately, it doesnt work that way, u have to dance the dance as well.

Getting to know someone is part of the dance. And not with everyone you get to know will you like what you learn. Part of the dance is to protect each other from each other.

A woman might say no to some guy they arent attracted to. But what if that guy loses some weight, gets more muscular, fit, and into really good shape.
Gains a lot of confidence, gets better with his social skills, gets a better job, etc. etc.

Heh, then we know why she likes him, no?

The other thing is that if a guy is attentive you can tell when a woman is attracted to you, may be attracted to you but needs to be convinced or wants nothing to do with you. If a guy is not ready, he has no business talking to a girl.

 

[the_man]

Would you say that the "dance" you speak of is very similar to courting?

I'm trying to understand, because when I think of "games" I think of silly things like not calling someone back on purpose in order to make them "want you more" - things like that.

No. When I think of courting, the fact that the relationship is geared towards marriage has already been established. The dance starts the moment you meet someone and ends when you decide you don't like the music or decide to go professional (so to speak).

And as far as not calling back. There are many reasons not to do this and the line between dancing and being cruel is thin. If you meet someone and you have their contact info, reaching them everyday is not dancing well. Holding out on calling could be part of the dance as well, but everything can be taken to an extreme.

 

[iwillxa100]

Getting to know someone is part of the dance. And not with everyone you get to know will you like what you learn. Part of the dance is to protect each other from each other.



Heh, then we know why she likes him, no?

The other thing is that if a guy is attentive you can tell when a woman is attracted to you, may be attracted to you but needs to be convinced or wants nothing to do with you. If a guy is not ready, he has no business talking to a girl.

Since when is a guy ever going to be ready though? I mean there are always things that we could do to improve ourselves to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite gender.

Might as well start talking to girls sometime. If you are ready for it emotionally, and are at a stage in life where it would be fine to date, then I think you are ready. Forget trying to become perfect first and then finding a mate, i think you would grow up and die single, long before that could ever happen.

PS: reading women doesnt work well all the time, sometimes you have to just ask.

 

[iwillxa100]

And as far as not calling back. There are many reasons not to do this and the line between dancing and being cruel is thin. If you meet someone and you have their contact info, reaching them everyday is not dancing well. Holding out on calling could be part of the dance as well, but everything can be taken to an extreme.

I think you should just be able to contact them every day, as soon as you want to, whenever you want to, without having to worry about whether or not you seem desperate or needy. (Providing that you arent doing it too often, to the point where its annoying.

 

[the_man]

Since when is a guy ever going to be ready though? I mean there are always things that we could do to improve ourselves to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite gender.

A man is never ready when he thinks there are things he can do (such as the ones you mentioned) to make a woman like him (that's why I implied that she is liking him for the wrong reasons and he would be better without her, what if those reasons don't last?). He is only doing them for her. He is taking his question of if he is a man to her. If a man does it for himself, that is another matter. Women are attracted to men.

Might as well start talking to girls sometime. If you are ready for it emotionally, and are at a stage in life where it would be fine to date, then I think you are ready. Forget trying to become perfect first and then finding a mate, i think you would grow up and die single, long before that could ever happen.

Heh, I didn't say one shouldn't talk to girls. However, there is a difference (hopefully) between talking to a girl and approaching her for a relationship. The question of becoming a "perfect" man won't be answered by having a woman. That question has to be answered first before a man is fit for a woman. I pity the woman that is with a man that gets his sense of manhood from her.

PS: reading women doesnt work well all the time, sometimes you have to just ask.

Heh, "reading women" hehe (I like it, I'll use it). Yeah, "reading women" doesn't always work, but that doesn't mean there is a problem with the "words" in the "book"; we should also look to the "reader".

(On side note, sometimes the "words" have to be induced, but we shouldn't derail this thread so much...what were we talking about again?).

 

[the_man]

I think you should just be able to contact them every day, as soon as you want to, whenever you want to, without having to worry about whether or not you seem desperate or needy. (Providing that you arent doing it too often, to the point where its annoying.

It's the caviot that your wrote that I was talking about Everday is annoying if she just met you on tuesday.