What does clarity mean?

[RachelZ]

Sorry to be asking for more help but last night I had some thoughts and instead of it being "Oh my goodness what if that's true?" it felt more like "No, this really IS true!" I feel horrible...I can't keep denying something if it's true...does this clarity mean it's not OCD? Need to get myself out of my head...my son needs me to be there for him not in my head and feeling terrible. Thanks for listening and for any advice...take care, Rachel

 

[picassoui]

Sorry to be asking for more help but last night I had some thoughts and instead of it being "Oh my goodness what if that's true?" it felt more like "No, this really IS true!" I feel horrible...I can't keep denying something if it's true...does this clarity mean it's not OCD? Need to get myself out of my head...my son needs me to be there for him not in my head and feeling terrible. Thanks for listening and for any advice...take care, Rachel

First never be sorry about asking for more help i understand that you don't want to be a bother but the fact is you and I and any member of this forum has a right to ask for help at anytime and if anyone doesn't like it screw them ..lol

I understand what you are saying about clarity its something i struggle with often and the uncertainty alone can drive you absolutely mad ..now what we feel is clarity is often not ...clarity has nothing to do with feelings that is a misconception ..

 

[kaykay9.0]

..now what we feel is clarity is often not ...

Yeah, I would have to agree. Sometimes even when it seems like "clarity" it isn't. Hard to say without specifics, but I've had occasion when something seemed like clarity at the time, but later on I recognized the same ol' OCD pattern rearing it's head.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much Picassuoi and Kay Kay...it's good to hear from you Picassoui - hope you're doing well! Thank you for your encouragement...I guess I often feel a bit bad asking for yet more help. It's interesting what you said about clarity not always being reality as my best friend said something similar yesterday about that clarity sometimes being a symptom of depression. I honestly don't know with me whether it's that or not. I am concerned that what I feel in my more positive moments of clarity may be the unreality and the negative clarity is what's real. I worry that because reality is too painful for me my brain has thrown up lots of anxiety and confusion to cloud things and then that confusion and anxiety has been misinterpreted as OCD. Then I get a clarity that feels real that all I have worried about on and off for the past apx 7 years is reality. That is so painful and makes me wonder how I can ever be free and live peacefully and usefully. I find it even hard to type down the problem that I struggle with in specifics cos I feel guilty and worried that I'm typing what is real and being unfaithful somehow. I know people will say again and again it's OCD but maybe I'm writing things in a way that sounds like OCD or maybe I have left out some vital bit of information that would make people say "Aha...so it's NOT OCD after all!" I don't know how to keep going round and round in this cycle...it's spoiling me and my family and it never seems to end once and for all.

Thanks for your reponses and understanding...take care and sorry again for moaning...Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thank you so muich Picassuoi and Kay Kay...it's good to hear from you Picassoui - hope you're doing well! Thank you for your encouragement...I guess I often feel a bit bad asking for yet more help. It's interesting what you said about clarity not always being reality as my best friend said something similar yesterday about that clarity sometimes being a symptom of depression. I honestly don't know with me whether it's that or not. I am concerned that what I feel is my more positive moments of clarity may be the unreality and the negative clarity is what's real. I worry that becuase reality is too painful for me my brain has thrown up lots of anxiety and confusion to cloud things and then that confusion and anxiety has been misinterpreted as OCD. Then I get a clarity that feels real that all I have worried about on and off for the past apx 7 years is reality. That is so painful and makes me wonder how I can ever be free and live peacefully and usefully. I find it even hard to type down the problem that I struggle with in specifics cos I feel guilty and worried that I'm typing what is real and being unfaithful somehow. I know people will say again and again it's OCD but maybe I'm writing things in a way that sounds like OCD or maybe I have left out some vital bit of information that would make people say "Aha...so it's NOT OCD after all!" I don't know how to keep going round and round in this cycle...it's spoiling me and my family and it never seems to end once and for all.

Thanks for your reponses and understanding...take care and sorry again for moaning...Rachel

I understand the cycle when you're spiking with OCD. I truly do. I can just say that looking on what yourself without even knowing the specifics is that I'm hearing a lot of "maybe" and "what if" type statements reflected here. And as you know, that IS a very typical hallmark of OCD.

My husband told me one time about a certain (really strong) obsession I had that he believed that the Lord had shown him that I needed to rebuke the thoughts and turn away from them when they occur. Don't entertain them, play with them, reason with them etc. Of course, did I do that? No, of course not. I thought that the thoughts, the obsession, might be reality, and I can't rebuke in the name of Jesus what MIGHT be real!!! So I struggled on and on month and month for several years with it. Finally, realizing at the end of the day, that it indeed WAS OCD just as my husband, my counselor and my pastor and his wife had all told me (repeatedly!)

I don't know what to say that might be helpful here. I understand the intense struggle with what's real, what's OCD. I battle it too as you know. I would just encourage you though, to consider what I said, pray about it and try to remember that OCD does distort reality or more precisely what seems like reality!

 

[RachelZ]

Hi KayKay...thanks so much, I'll certainly aks God about your suggestion but it sounds like a wise approach! I guess like you though, it's the thought that I may be rebuking the truth and something which God is actually trying to SHOW me! It's all so frustrating!! I feel like reassurance is losing it's power...I don't know what it will take to get this thing sorted! It used to be that certain things would reassure me but they seem to be losing their ability to bring me some peace. At the moment it feels like almost everything my husband says, does or doesn't do makes me either anxious, irritated or a confused mixture of the both. I wish so much that it could have been some other obsession...I would trade it for my previous one even though at the time that felt horrendous! This makes me feel so guilty and horrible and anxious and isolated!! I guess the last one did too but I'd still rather go back to that!

I am feeling so sad and afraid and I really need to not be like this...there's stuff I need to do and I also want to be all God wants me to be and I can't do that like this. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better...people say on here how they feel better when they take it all to God...but I find He's somehow caught up in all my fear and if this is His judgement on me then who am I to expect Him to make me feel better? Besides, throughout most of my life I have often begged God to make me feel better and that just doesn't seem to be the usual way He works with me and I have often felt worse as a result. I am trying to ask for a joyful spirit which was Sad's idea and sometmes I think that helps. Sorry, I'm not trying to bad mouth God I'm just saying that for some reason with me I don't usually get much if any relief through prayer. I want to be free...

Thanks again for your response...hope you're doing well...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hi KayKay...thanks so much, I'll certainly aks God about your suggestion but it sounds like a wise approach! I guess like you though, it's the thought that I maybe rebuking the truth and something which God is actually trying to SHOW me! It's all so frustrating!! I feel like reassurance is losing it's power...I don't know what it will take to get this thing sorted! It used to be that certain things would reassure me but they seem to be losing their ability to bring me some peace. At the moment it feels like almost everything my husband says, does or doesn't do makes me either anxious, irritated or a confused mixture of the both. I wish so much that it could have been some other obsession...I would trade it for my previous one even though at the time that felt horrendous! This makes me feel so guilty and horrible and anxious and isolated!! I guess the last one did too but I'd still rather go back to that!

I am feeling so sad and afraid and I really need to not be like this...there's stuff I need to do and I also want to be all God wants me to be and I can't do that like this. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better...people say on here how they feel better when they take it all to God...but i find He's somehow caught up in all my fear and if this is His judgement on me then who am I to expect Him to make me feel better? Besides, throughout most of my life I have often begged God to make me feel better and that just doesn't seem to be the usual way He works with me and I have often felt worse as a result. I am trying to ask for a joyful spirit which was Sad's idea and sometmes I think that helps. Sorry, I'm not trying to bad mouth God I'm just saying that for some reason with me I don't usually get much if any relief through prayer. I want to be free...

Thanks again for your response...hope you're doing well...take care, Rachel

I relate. I really do. And that's why "reassurance" doesn't work. It just doesn't maintain it's power to keep us reassured. Our OCD driven minds frequently search for the EXCEPTION to why the "reassurance" might not apply in this case! You know what I mean. I'm sure you do! Always, "yes, but, what if?"

I don't know if you desire to even get into the specifics, Rachel, but if this concerns your husband and your marriage as you have said in the past, let me just ask you this: You have stated that it is your conviction that you don't generally believe in divorce, and as a Christian, I totally concur with this. So...why would God be trying to show you something negative about your marriage?? What would be the purpose in that? I, frankly, don't see any since I don't believe in divorce (except for some very strong and exceptional "dealbreakers" such as unrepentant, repeated adultery etc.)

Well, here I go trying to "reassure" you that what you're dealing with is probably OCD, when I know the story about "reassurance" but just consider what I'm saying...I have had a few experiences where "reassurance" broke through at least a little bit on some particular obsession. (Of course, the problem is I quickly replaced that obsession with another!)

 

[MandyG]

Hi Rachel,

Don't we just love Kay Kay and her advice?? It is so cool to know that we are not alone in this horrible struggle with OCD...

I don't have any cool advice to help fix this for you Rachel, but just know that I am praying for you & I really care about how much you are struggling (the Lord does too!). I TOTALLY understand what you are saying about the circular OCD processes of asking ourselves "Is this OCD?" and "What if it is not???". I hope that your day will be brighter soon!!
Take Care,
Mandy

 

[basil0187]

"I am trying to ask for a joyful spirit which was Sad's idea and sometmes I think that helps. Sorry, I'm not trying to bad mouth God I'm just saying that for some reason with me I don't usually get much if any relief through prayer. I want to be free..."

I can definitely relate to this, as well. One thing that I've learned--It's no secret from God when I am angry, frustrated, wondering why he won't heal me or at least just give me a break to rest from it all, so I might as well tell Him how I feel.
Asking for a joyful spirit WHILE admitting that I am really angry about this burden has in the past been really freeing. Just coming out and saying "God, I know you want me to serve you, so I'm really upset that I feel so helpless and burdened and I don't understand this or why you are letting me feel this way." has been one of the most helpful things.
Maybe that honesty works as a sort of ERP, or maybe he just honors being open about my anger and frustration with the whole thing, but it is a relief to confess to God all of those feelings.

Thanks to you and to kaykay for all of your posts! I am getting married in a few months and it is terrifying to think of all the changes and how this is going to effect the OCD. You are both an encouragement to me.

 

[MandyG]

Congratulations basil0187!!,
I will be praying for you that it is a smooth transition for you getting married and that you have perfect peace.

"Asking for a joyful spirit WHILE admitting that I am really angry about this burden has in the past been really freeing. Just coming out and saying "God, I know you want me to serve you, so I'm really upset that I feel so helpless and burdened and I don't understand this or why you are letting me feel this way." has been one of the most helpful things.
Maybe that honesty works as a sort of ERP, or maybe he just honors being open about my anger and frustration with the whole thing, but it is a relief to confess to God all of those feelings."

I like what you said about going to God and being honest about our struggles with OCD. It is such a relief to tell our Lord Jesus how we are feeling and to know that he sympathizes with us!! Thanks for your post!!


Rachel,
How are you doing?? Smile !



-Mandy

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay, Mandy and Basil...yes Mandy I totally agree, that KayKay is a star! Thanks for your concern Mandy...I'm still not great but apppreciate your compassion very much! How are you doing?

Congratulations Basil...hope and pray all goes well! I really agree that we need to be honest with God...He knows anyway so there's little point pretending to be perfect! Glad something here is helping you!

KayKay thank you so much...honestly the fact you relate means so much to me! You're point about why would God be showing me something negative about my marriage is a very good one! It struck a chord with me...though like you guessed I quickly made an exception...my conern is that although God wouldn't want me to get a divorce, maybe He is wanting me to see reality and then live with it and face the consequences of my sin and ignoring Him. Yes you are right in that as before this centres around my hubby...it's horrendous...it's spoiling things and it's not fair on him! It's so hard to act lovingly when you feel filled with a dread and fear not least when you can't allways even specify why...though I know certain themes recurr. I don't think the fact I have OCPD traits helps...I'm such a perfectionist with certain things and my high demands on me extend to my hubby too I'm afraid!

How are you doing KayKay? Thanks for your understanding and kindness...hope you have a great weekend to you and everyone else...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Rachel,

Even if what you are saying was true about your marriage, I think all you would have to do is simply ask God for forgiveness and ask Him to start fresh. I believe God wants us to honor our marriage committments wherever we are with them and I believe He is willing to help us do that. I just believe that we walk by faith and not by sight. We have to make the best decisions we can with the knowledge and maturity level we possessed at the time. I truly believe that God is merciful enough to provide a Plan B for our lives if we blow Plan A! Or even a Plan C or Plan D if we are trying to follow Him in the present. I don't believe He wants us worrying too much about decisions made in the past. I really don't. ( He knows we are "dust." It says in the Psalms that like a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth those that fear Him. Pslam 103:13 KJV As a parent, I think you can understand that verse and how strong that love and protective feeling is) Only the OCD fears make it complicated IMO. Recently, my husband and I felt convicted that we have not spent a rather large amount of money that we had in the best ways we could have. But I confessed that to the Lord and I just felt like the Lord said to me out of Lamentations 3:23 "New every morning are my mercies..." I just felt He was assuring me of His forgiveness and just saying to just go from there and do better in the future!

However, all that said, I really believe that regarding your marriage, it's probably simply OCD that's tormenting you here. I think marriage is a frequent target of OCD. Just let me tell ya, in my early years of marriage, get this, I thought maybe I had married out of the will of God because maybe my husband was really a Christian and I wasn't. Just OCD fears about my salvation which spilled over into the marriage area. I look back on it and I can see clearly that there was no basis for reality. It was simply OCD tormenting in a double-barreled way there.

Well, there I go trying to provide reassurance and I know that the root problem is OCD, not the current obsession. But...just try to consider some of the things I have said. OCD can be a very "wily" opponent if you know what I mean.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks so much again KayKay...I hope you know how much I appreciate your input!

I agree that even with real issues God wants us to continue with our commitment to marriage...even if I disovered that all my fears and concerns were real I would not walk away...my desire would be to try and show love to my hubby and not let him suffer as a result of me. I guess the anxiety and fear and turmoil is over my doubts and fears and what is the truth about the situation. The trouble is, in any marriage there are going to be points of conflict or things you don't like 100% about the person...if you add to that my need for certain things to be exactly right and my reaction to things - some would say OVEREACTION - my easily anxious frame of mind and my OCPD traits it all makes it feel so complicated. I don't know what is real, what is me looking at things under a hugely distorting microscope, what is OCD and what is a mixture. And the thing is even if it IS a mixture I find that dificult cos I'm very black and white with stuff...I need it to be exactly OK...if that makes sense. Then I get worried about how God feels about it all...aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...wouldn't it be great to take a holiday from thinking sometimes!

Thanks you for sharing what happened OCD wise with your marriage and also for your take on what it is that's going on...I know reasurance can be seen as a cardinal sin but sometimes it's brings a welcome perspective even if it is only temporary!

Thanks again...how are you doing at the moment? Take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks so much again KayKay...I hope you know how much I appreciate your input!

I agree that even with real issues God wants us to continue with our commitment to marriage...even if I disovered that all my fears and concerns were real I would not walk away...my desire would be to try and show love to my hubby and not let him suffer as a result of me. I guess the anxiety and fear and turmoil is over my doubts and fears and what is the truth about the situation. The trouble is, in any marriage there are going to be points of conflict or things you don't like 100% about the person...if you add to that my need for certain things to be exactly right and my reaction to things - some would say OVEREACTION - my easily anxious frame of mind and my OCPD traits it all makes it feel so complicated. I don't know what is real, what is me looking at things under a hugely distorting microscope, what is OCD and what is a mixture. And the thing is even if it IS a mixture I find that dificult cos I'm very black and white with stuff...I need it to be exactly OK...if that makes sense. Then I get worried about how God feels about it all...aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh...wouldn't it be great to take a holiday from thinking sometimes!

Thanks you for sharing what happened OCD wise with your marriage and also for your take on what it is that's going on...I know reasurance can be seen as a cardinal sin but sometimes it's brings a welcome perspective even if it is only temporary!

Thanks again...how are you doing at the moment? Take care, Rachel

Well, my own counselor just tries to get me to remember when spiking that I DO battle OCD and that this should be considered anytime something seems "real." Does that make sense?

Personally, I'm doing relatively well, but yesterday I was hit with one of my old obsessions in a slightly different way and am battling a bit today. Just trying to take my own advice, you know?

 

[RachelZ]

Sorry you've been hit again...how are you doing now?

I think your counsellor sounds wise...I only wish I could make that wisdom sink in at the moment. I don't even feel I can say what twist the anxiety has taken today but I am feeling almost frozen inside with panicky feelings! I feel like I don't know if I'm feeling paranoid or if it's actually a true refelction on reality but I feel paranoid about my hubby and don't know how to calm down. Sorry to be moaning yet again...thanks KayKay...I pray God will ease your anxiety even this very moment...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sorry you've been hit again...how are you doing now?

I think your counsellor sounds wise...I only wish I could make that wisdom sink in at the moment. I don't even feel I can say what twist the anxiety has taken today but I am feeling almost frozen inside with panicky feelings! I feel like I don't know if I'm feeling paranoid or if it's actually a true refelction on reality but I feel paranoid about my hubby and don't know how to calm down. Sorry to be moaning yet again...thanks KayKay...I pray God will ease your anxiety even this very moment...take care, Rachel

Thank you. Same for you, Rachel.