What do you think?

[secretdawn]

I broke up with my ex, the father of my child, 6 months ago. Over the last 6 months many of the issue that made me leave have been resolved, yet I find no matter how much I try, I fall into selfdestructive behavior with out him...alone or not alone, it's only while I was with him I was able to concentrate on God and improving my life. I never stopped loving him, though I tried to convince myself I didn't, destracted myself with other men, etc. Going back to him would upset everyone in my life...my one friend would leave me and my mom would be raging...neither of them are christian though. I think the right thing to do is go back to him, get married and become the family God intended us to be...I prayed on this and it's the only answer I hear...rebuild my family and leave my past and those in it behind.

People keep telling me that it's wrong, cause it didn't work with us before, so it's not going to now. Am I crazy for wanting to make this work?

 

[pressingon]

I cannot pretend to know the details of your situation, but can only give a couple tidbits of general counsel:

1. No marriage or relationship can possibly be what it's intended to be unless it's a union of three -- man, woman, and God. If you are to return to try and make it work, consider whether your mate is Christian, and if he is committed to making your relationship work with God's guidance.
2. Following God's calling often means making sacrifices. If returning to the relationship means splitting with those you are closest to, you'll need support... the support of fellow believers who are willing to make sacrifices in their life (if necessary) to help you, fellow believers who are willing to speak the truth to you, regardless of whether you want to hear it or not.
3. Pray, pray, and pray some more! Major life decisions are best made with as much guidance from the Lord as possible.

 

[desi]

For the child's sake you should marry the guy and stick things out. There is no I in we.

 

[secretdawn]

He says he has to think about it, because I have left a few times before, once cause he smoked weed too much, once cause I my friends convinced me it was hopeless and this last time cause we fought all the time...every day screaming at each other. Now that he and I have changed and grown up a bit, we both realize that these issues are resolved...and any others that remain need to be discussed and compromised on...but i don't want to go back to living together, and i don't want to keep our family seperate by just dating...i want us to be a family...i am finally understanding that being a wife and a mother and living for God, then my family doesn't take away my independence or freedom...it only strengthens me to be able to depend on God and my husband...if that makes sense...I just wish I knew how to help my ex forgive me like i have chosen to forgive him...i don't need to remind him of the hurt he caused me, i don't care if he understands it, cause i forgive him...he wants to forgive me but doesn't know how.

 

[GodSaves]

Is your ex a christian?

 

[kbean]

He says he has to think about it, because I have left a few times before, once cause he smoked weed too much, once cause I my friends convinced me it was hopeless and this last time cause we fought all the time...every day screaming at each other. Now that he and I have changed and grown up a bit, we both realize that these issues are resolved...and any others that remain need to be discussed and compromised on...but i don't want to go back to living together, and i don't want to keep our family seperate by just dating...i want us to be a family...i am finally understanding that being a wife and a mother and living for God, then my family doesn't take away my independence or freedom...it only strengthens me to be able to depend on God and my husband...if that makes sense...I just wish I knew how to help my ex forgive me like i have chosen to forgive him...i don't need to remind him of the hurt he caused me, i don't care if he understands it, cause i forgive him...he wants to forgive me but doesn't know how.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship to have around a child. I am one of the biggest arguers FOR staying together normally but this sounds more destructive for the child than constructive. YOU MUST PUT THE CHILD'S NEEDS AND SECURITY FIRST. I can not stress that enough. Once a child is brought into the picture, all the rules change. No more screaming, no more drugs, the child needs plenty of adults around, preferably Christian who can rear her/him in a moral and godly way. It doesn't always mean the biological parents are going to be the ones to do this, since anyone can make a baby. Pray to God for help for your child is all I say. I hope my forwardness doesn't offend anyone, I am not as opinionated as I seem.....EXCEPT when it comes to any child involved then I see things far more black and white. It's NOT about you anymore, but the child.
God bless you dear.

 

[Victorian Rose]

This does not sound like a healthy relationship to have around a child. I am one of the biggest arguers FOR staying together normally but this sounds more destructive for the child than constructive. YOU MUST PUT THE CHILD'S NEEDS AND SECURITY FIRST. I can not stress that enough. Once a child is brought into the picture, all the rules change. No more screaming, no more drugs, the child needs plenty of adults around, preferably Christian who can rear her/him in a moral and godly way. It doesn't always mean the biological parents are going to be the ones to do this, since anyone can make a baby. Pray to God for help for your child is all I say. I hope my forwardness doesn't offend anyone, I am not as opinionated as I seem.....EXCEPT when it comes to any child involved then I see things far more black and white. It's NOT about you anymore, but the child.
God bless you dear.

I agree. If your ex is drug free, then I would say go for it.

 

[pressingon]

kbean --

May I be so bold as to ask you not to jump to judgment? I agree with you whole-heartedly... the welfare of the child DOES come first. However, secretdawn has not relayed all the circumstances of the situation to us, and hasty decisions could prevent a God-gifted reconciliation. If both secretdawn and her ex have truly been changed by a relationship with Jesus Christ, turning from their past sins and committing themselves to whatever God wills, there's absolutely no reason why the relationship cannot work. Would it be difficult? All relationships are (and this one perhaps doubly so).

Never forget... With God, all things are possible.

 

[secretdawn]

yes he is christian, yes he quit the weed, and he has also ditched some of his non christian friends that have bad influence over him...so he is now working on his temper, finding scripture to help him not bottle his feelings so they explode...and fyi, my problem was running away from problems, and in turn focusing on other people and becoming self destructive...most of our problems were based around the issues i've mentioned, and both of us have resolved some and are helping each other with the others by keeping us accountable...but all my friends say we have tried so much what's the use in trying...i see that we love each other, i know i have forgiven him for the pain he caused me, and am ready to work for the future...all i can hope is he can forgive me...and that we can become the family i always knew was possible

 

[Rafael]

yes he is christian, yes he quit the weed, and he has also ditched some of his non christian friends that have bad influence over him...so he is now working on his temper, finding scripture to help him not bottle his feelings so they explode...and fyi, my problem was running away from problems, and in turn focusing on other people and becoming self destructive...most of our problems were based around the issues i've mentioned, and both of us have resolved some and are helping each other with the others by keeping us accountable...but all my friends say we have tried so much what's the use in trying...i see that we love each other, i know i have forgiven him for the pain he caused me, and am ready to work for the future...all i can hope is he can forgive me...and that we can become the family i always knew was possible

If you know in your heart that you have a better chance of seeking God's kingdom first as husband and wife, and it would make you both stronger, then I wouldn't be influenced by council from unbelievers, but go by God's prompting and repentance. I would follow my heart and talk to this man you love and have children with. I would tell him that we should be new creatures together pulling together towards a goal in Christ's service. Whoever is the stronger will sanctify the other in marriage, and will have to set up guidlines for the family to work. It should be the husband in marriage, but sometimes that just isn't the realiity. I would talk through these things with your man and start seeking to please God together in repentance. After repenting, maybe a marriage would be honored by God. He is loving and merciful towards those with repentant hearts.

 

[GodSaves]

My advise would be to do what God is telling you. His plan is better then any of our own plans. Trust in Him. Don't let anyone or anything come between you and what God wants for you life.

God Bless

 

[kbean]

kbean --

May I be so bold as to ask you not to jump to judgment? I agree with you whole-heartedly... the welfare of the child DOES come first. However, secretdawn has not relayed all the circumstances of the situation to us, and hasty decisions could prevent a God-gifted reconciliation. If both secretdawn and her ex have truly been changed by a relationship with Jesus Christ, turning from their past sins and committing themselves to whatever God wills, there's absolutely no reason why the relationship cannot work. Would it be difficult? All relationships are (and this one perhaps doubly so).

Never forget... With God, all things are possible.

Agreed. I think I was stressing for them to use discernment and do what is best for the child though, I don't think I stressed that they should go with anyone's decision but their own that they have came to through prayer. good points you have though.

 

[chakup]

OK, I am in the same kind of realtionship, only already married with 2 kids. Our kid's childhood has suffered because of us. I do believe in "doing the right thing" and being a family, but have things really changed. Me and my wife were seperated and got back together ~9 months ago, things are right back to where we left off. I never know what I am going to come home to find. Take the time to do counseling together, spend time in prayer together, take it slow and follow God.

 

[secretdawn]

OK, I am in the same kind of realtionship, only already married with 2 kids. Our kid's childhood has suffered because of us. I do believe in "doing the right thing" and being a family, but have things really changed. Me and my wife were seperated and got back together ~9 months ago, things are right back to where we left off. I never know what I am going to come home to find. Take the time to do counseling together, spend time in prayer together, take it slow and follow God.

Do you think the time apart did you any good as a couple, or did it pull you apart?