What do you think?

[blessings2mom]

Okay here goes. I am not sure who to talk to. I have a major anger problem. Every little thing makes me upset and I have this dream that i should have perfect kids that will actually listen to me when i tell them to do something. I'm obsessed with wanting a clean house that looks like one out of a magizine. My anger is so out of controll though and when i was pregnant with my first daughter I actually blacked out and hit my husband as hard as i could. I have made threats to him and just a few weeks ago because of my anger we were gonna get a divorce and when we were discussing what to do with the kids I told him that if he put them in public school that I'd kill him. Well he called the cops on me and i was on a week of restraining order. I was not to come near him or the girls until court but he ended up getting it removed. Things are going a little better now but i'm still angry/irritable over every little thing because like I said everything has to be perfect. I'm also depressed because we have no money right now and are trying to refinance everything so that we will have lower monthly payments and pay everything off w/o having to declare bankruptcy. I just feel like my moods are always changing. One minute i'm happy go lucky and the next i'm so angry i could kill someone. I have hit people, thrown things, you name it i've probably done it or came close. I'm just not sure if this is bi-polar or OCD. While at times i've wished i was dead and had the suicidal thoughts i'm not sure I could actually go through with killing myself just because I know deep down that there are people that do love me. But at times i just wish someone would kill me so that no one would have to deal with my anger, criticism, and my physco mind. I am a christian and I do beleive in God but I just feel like there is something I'm not doing right. I try prayin and my mind wanders off to other things. I can't concentrate on just one thing. I have to constantly be doing something and my mind is constantly running a million miles a minute. I dont know what it's like to just relax and think of one thing at a time. I'm always exhausted and fatiqued. I have no energy and i'm always feeling just blah. I dont like being around people but I make myself do it just to get my Mommy time. I have also done risky things such as cheating on my husband and having unprotected sex knowing that it was wrong. I know that I am really lucky to have a wonderful Husband that after everything is STILL willing to be by my side and support my illness. I just wish that i didn't hurt the ones I love and I want to be normal. I have tried therapy and it didn't do anything. We are going tonight for counseling for anger, marriage problems. I guess I should write this down so that I can explain this to the Christian Counselor. I really dont beleive in medicine and please dont try to tell me that I need it. I have recently ordered a vitamin that is supposed to help with bipolar,ocd, and other mood disorders. I've been exercising at least 20-30 mins a day and drinking more water. Which has helped alot. If anyone has any suggestions as to what u think i may suffer from please send them my way. Any help you have would be wonderful.

 

[lemonflavor]

I really dont beleive in medicine and please dont try to tell me that I need it.

Not what you want to hear but drugs are the main course of treatment. Until you get over that you will probably not make much progress. You said counseling didn't help. Why are vitamins OK (which most likely won't do much good) but drugs aren't?

Again I apologize for pushing something on you that you didn't ask for. I don't normally do that.

Some of the anger and perfectionism can be dealt with in counseling but it sounds like you are in mixed state hell. Don't take my word for it though, you would need to see a psychiatrist.

 

[OneOfHisOwn]

I agree with lemonflavor. I, too, resisted the idea of drugs for years and the result was years of continuing the cycles. Vitamins and mineral supplements may help your general health but they never stopped the wild mood swings and rapid cycling, I tried that - it did not work for me. Lemonflavor mentions mixed state hell. She is right. It is absolutely the most painful state to be in. I also deal with severe rapid-cycling - mood swings multiple times daily and weekly. The "risky" behavior is sometimes an attempt to self-medicate to escape even temporarily the hell of your current mood. It always ends in worsening my condition when I succumb to the siren song of a quick solution. I pray that you will consider going to a psychiatrist. The medication issue is one you need to think through. I have Type II diabetes and need to take a medication for it the rest of my life. Other chronic conditions are just the same. God in His mercy has provided man with medical insights to alleviate some of the suffering that the fall has resulted in. As lemonflavor noted however, only a well trained psychiatrist can help with diagnosing what your condition is... Another note: regardless of what you have done, the provision of Jesus can indeed cover your sins - even if you don't feel it. Another point: I have repeatedly beat myself up about behavior that I engaged in when I was young thinking that I caused the bipolar condition. One therapist noted: No matter what started the ball rolling, the ball has already rolled down the hill. Genetics, environment, or personal behavior, or a combination of all of these. What does it matter at this point? I had to choose to accept that and seek help. I hope that helps. One thing I love about this group and I just started is that everyone here has experienced this illness first hand. We don't have all the answers, but we try to help one another as best we can.

 

[blessings2mom]

Thank you OneOfHisOwn. You have helped me alot and i'll deffinately look into all of my options.

 

[Alive again]

blessings2mom,

Much of what you said describes me to a tee. The only way you will know if you have an illness whether it be bp or ocd or something else will be to see a psych professional such as a pdoc or a mhnp (assuming you are in the us, that is what they call them here) .

It has not been until recently that they have realized that the anger and 4rage is indeed a symptom of bp, for me I am angry at others in my manias and angry at myself (sucidal, bad self talk) when I amdepressed. I also have anxiety and the extreme driveness to the point of perfection that you shared. I also have deeply hurt many whom I love and then hate myself afterwards. I have tried many vitamins and herbal and spent a large amount of money only to find not much helps. The one I maintain is omega 3's fish oil capsules, they were not enough alone (without traditio9nal meds, I could not function) but there is excellent research, so I use them.

Counseling was a must for me, but was unsuccessful prior to meds, with the help of meds I have been able to think clearly and begin to recognize thinking errors.

Anyways, just me two bits. Feel free to pm me. I will not be opn as much starting next week as I am actually attempting to return to work!!! Without meds I would still be sitting in my chair wishing I was dead or screaming at someone!!!

May God grant you wisdom as you pursue what you need and what will help you!

 

[angelkiss]

I was in denial the first two years upon my diagnosis, and I was one who never liked the idea of therapy or drugs. After finally accepting the fact that I could no longer fight this illness on my own, I started therapy and of course the medication was part of it. I am now glad that I have both, for without them I can't even stand t'be round myself. Let alone anyone else. Although I still don't like having to go to therapy I force myself to go for every little bit helps. Another thing I've learned is, taking my meds is a lot better than the alternative. Thinking that I could do without em landed me in the hospital as a mess on several occasions.
It wouldn't hurt to seek treatment and at least see what your diagnosis is. It could very well change your life.
Like you, my mind spins a thousand thoughts per second and I don't know what the meaning of level is for I am on a constant up and down roller coaster ride.
Especially when triggered, I take tantrums where I fly into blind rages and do things that even I don't expect.
Keeping you in our prayers,
s and es!!

 

[blessings2mom]

Thank you guys so much. I want to say that I went to my counseling appointment last night and watch a video by a guy named Bob Franklin. Oh man, it hit everything right on the spot. Basically, talking about alot of us being bitter because we have in the past had bitter life experiences and that we need to learn to ask God for forgiveness over that person and give thanks for the situation. Now I know how to talk to God and hope that I am able to ask for forgiveness but unsure on how to ask thanks for certain situations. I guess just thank God for giving me situations that will make me Stonger?? I dont know. But I feel like God is making some changes in me and I'm really excited and so thankful that God has put my counselor in my life. They are strictly biblical based and use the WORD to counsel me and my husband.

 

[Alaskamomma]

Before I was diagnosed which was last year I was very, very angry. I always felt like a volcano was boiling inside of me and that at any minute for any reason I was just going to explode. I would yell at my kids at the drop of a hat which was unfair to them. All I wanted to do was leave, leave, leave.

Now that I am on meds I still get rages, but they are less intense (thank God) and don't last as long.

I don't know if you have bipolar disorder or not, but I would check with a proffessional to find out. I went to a Christian counselor once for a while. I told him that i wanted to kill myself and he told me if I prayed more I would get over it. Well, I didn't. Two weeks later I was hospitilzed and diagnosed with bipolar.

Seek real professional help is all I ask. (Sometimes that means a Christian counselor and sometimes it does not)

 

[OneOfHisOwn]

blessings2mom,
If you are looking for a Bible based clinic, you might want to check out Meier Clinics - http://www.meierclinics.com/ - If they aren't in your area, you might still call them and see if they can refer you to one. I applaud you for starting the counseling. This is really tough for me to say... and if you think otherwise I will understand. I have found that some Christian counselors dismiss entirely the idea of psychiatrict illness for reasons that I understand because I thought that way for years. As such, they look only at the changes one can make with respect to forgiveness of others, repenting of sins that are obvious, lack of faith, etc. All of these are important aspects of finding a resolution to the issues that confront us. But, and here is the rub, faith in faith can be seriously damaging - in other words - boy this is hard, I don't want to be misunderstood - say or mentally assent to the right things and it will be so. I plead with the Lord for years to take this away, He has not for reasons that He knows. Some of my Christian friends (meaning well) sounded very much like Job's friends ( and I treated myself that way also). They were sure that Job's tribulations were the result of some "hidden" sin. They were wrong - God was responding to Satan's accusation that the only reason Job loved God was that God had put a hedge about him. The Lord accepted the challenge to prove that Job's righteousness was in fact NOT based on his situation or circumstances. And in the end Job recieved a blessing and restoration.

You mentioned why give thanks for some of life events.. I don't think we give thanks for the events but rather for the provision and the things we learn throught the trials that confront us. One scripture mentions that tribulations purify and strengthen our faith. I know in my life I have learned much from the trials I have confronted with this illness and much else. For one thing, I have learned to love better and to empathize with those who suffer. And I do not assume that the reason for their suffering is a sin they have committed. That may be the case, but I do not assume it.

Finally: All things "are worked" (orginal Greek) together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose...

His purpose: To conform us to the image of His dear Son --- Jesus.

What a promise!!!

Take care and God bless you and I hope that counseling will meet your needs.

Jack

P.S. Throw out the chaff if necessary Sorry for struggling so much to say what I mean

Finally -

 

[Alive again]

blessings2mom,
If you are looking for a Bible based clinic, you might want to check out Meier Clinics - http://www.meierclinics.com/ - If they aren't in your area, you might still call them and see if they can refer you to one. I applaud you for starting the counseling. This is really tough for me to say... and if you think otherwise I will understand. I have found that some Christian counselors dismiss entirely the idea of psychiatrict illness for reasons that I understand because I thought that way for years. As such, they look only at the changes one can make with respect to forgiveness of others, repenting of sins that are obvious, lack of faith, etc. All of these are important aspects of finding a resolution to the issues that confront us. But, and here is the rub, faith in faith can be seriously damaging - in other words - boy this is hard, I don't want to be misunderstood - say or mentally assent to the right things and it will be so. I plead with the Lord for years to take this away, He has not for reasons that He knows. Some of my Christian friends (meaning well) sounded very much like Job's friends ( and I treated myself that way also). They were sure that Job's tribulations were the result of some "hidden" sin. They were wrong - God was responding to Satan's accusation that the only reason Job loved God was that God had put a hedge about him. The Lord accepted the challenge to prove that Job's righteousness was in fact NOT based on his situation or circumstances. And in the end Job recieved a blessing and restoration.

You mentioned why give thanks for some of life events.. I don't think we give thanks for the events but rather for the provision and the things we learn throught the trials that confront us. One scripture mentions that tribulations purify and strengthen our faith. I know in my life I have learned much from the trials I have confronted with this illness and much else. For one thing, I have learned to love better and to empathize with those who suffer. And I do not assume that the reason for their suffering is a sin they have committed. That may be the case, but I do not assume it.

Finally: All things "are worked" (orginal Greek) together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose...

His purpose: To conform us to the image of His dear Son --- Jesus.

What a promise!!!

Take care and God bless you and I hope that counseling will meet your needs.

Jack

P.S. Throw out the chaff if necessary Sorry for struggling so much to say what I mean

Finally -

I have also run into this type of thing and eventually found that with meds i could forgive and think thru all of these things and really stick to it and not get sucked back into all the garbage (unforgiveness and bitterness) that my illness made too difficult to leave behind. Amazingly all those feelings were telling me untruths, and with meds I was able to do all the hard work needed, as those feelings were a symptom of my illness and faded with meds.

The return of those feelings is often one of my early warning signs that I need to take better care of myself!!!