What do you think???

[ASLER86]

This is a cool section of CF, I normally don't like people reading what I write, but I'll give it a shot.... ( :
This is very rough...not very good I don't think. I wrote it a while ago (in one of my classes, lol) off the top of my head while going through a tough time. I found it yesterday why cleaning and sorting through my stuff as this semester is ending and I'm heading home soon. I thought that I would post it. Just wondering what you guys think.

<edit>

I finally got around to it..decided to remove the poem since I'm working at a camp and don't have internet access easily available.

Everyone have a great summer.

 

[peaglej]

I really liked this...and...it would be great to see this furthered at some point where you do turn and hear His voice and the fruit of that..He loves obedience!!!

 

[ASLER86]

I really liked this...and...it would be great to see this furthered at some point where you do turn and hear His voice and the fruit of that..He loves obedience!!!

Thanks.

I was thinking that...but I haven't gotten around to adding onto it...

I think most Christians can relate to what I wrote...especially teenagers as all teens seem to go through I time of doubt/making what they have known as their parents faith and making it there own...

Thanks for your input.

 

[Sojourner<><]

I wish to turn around
Yet my pride holds me bound
My wants still reign over me
And I just refuse to see
Any One other than me.

That right there is really deep.
I like.

 

[ASLER86]

That right there is really deep.
I like.

Thanks a lot

I like your signature a lot by the way...

 

[JesseRaymondBassett]

I like it!

 

[ASLER86]

Does anyone else have anything to add? Constructive Criticism? Things to add? How it flows/transitions? Anything at all?

*empty room echoes* lol, just kidding

 

[solomonbareebe]

It truly is a great poem. God bless you so much!

 

[TheOneandOnlySummerTime]

It really is a good poem, I will only offer some constructive criticism because as I writer I know how helpfull that can be

I think that the ideas and thoughts in your poem are VERY good, you have a deep understanding of human nature, and I can tell you have a wonderfull relationship with God..

However your delivery of these thoughts is a little rough... meter, rythm, feel, beat, structure these things are what makes good ideas into great poetry...

Often times this comes natural, other times not, but one way you can always improve is by reading poems...Read, read, read, read aloud, read to yourself, ony the greatest of all poets, read enough and eventually your own poetry will take in this feel without you having to count syllables and all that ****

Well I hope you consider my advice....keep writing, your talent is worth critiquing.

 

[ASLER86]

It really is a good poem, I will only offer some constructive criticism because as I writer I know how helpfull that can be

I think that the ideas and thoughts in your poem are VERY good, you have a deep understanding of human nature, and I can tell you have a wonderfull relationship with God..

However your delivery of these thoughts is a little rough... meter, rythm, feel, beat, structure these things are what makes good ideas into great poetry...

Often times this comes natural, other times not, but one way you can always improve is by reading poems...Read, read, read, read aloud, read to yourself, ony the greatest of all poets, read enough and eventually your own poetry will take in this feel without you having to count syllables and all that ****

Well I hope you consider my advice....keep writing, your talent is worth critiquing.

Thanks...

 

[ASLER86]

It really is a good poem, I will only offer some constructive criticism because as I writer I know how helpfull that can be

I think that the ideas and thoughts in your poem are VERY good, you have a deep understanding of human nature, and I can tell you have a wonderfull relationship with God..

However your delivery of these thoughts is a little rough... meter, rythm, feel, beat, structure these things are what makes good ideas into great poetry...

Often times this comes natural, other times not, but one way you can always improve is by reading poems...Read, read, read, read aloud, read to yourself, ony the greatest of all poets, read enough and eventually your own poetry will take in this feel without you having to count syllables and all that ****

Well I hope you consider my advice....keep writing, your talent is worth critiquing.

Just so you can see what she said.....Below is for everyone else not just her:

I find it hard to revise because in my mind it only makes what I wrote worse....I didn't count syllables or anything when I wrote it....

Anyway...as far as rhyme...I was going to have it free verse...but it came out as above and its sounds good that way....
AABBCDDEFFGHFIDFCCDDG

Thats how it rhymes...it does have some order to it....

The feel and beat of it is a little off...I'm just unsure how to fix it without destroying the poem.

In line 7 I could cut out 'distant, so' since that line is a bit repetitive...what do you guys think? It may help with the meter....

4,4,5,5,6,7,9,8,8,5,10,8,9,7,8,6,6,7,7,5 (in case you were wondering that's how many syllables in each line, lol, that is if I counted it correctly...lol), I should maybe try to keep them a little more organized...

Any thoughts?

I'm only going to keep this going a while longer since I am going to be leaving college soon and then going to camp where I won't have access to a computer very often there...so please post your replies and give your advice now while this is still going

 

[silverlupus]

The feel and beat of it is a little off...I'm just unsure how to fix it without destroying the poem.
In line 7 I could cut out 'distant, so' since that line is a bit repetitive...what do you guys think? It may help with the meter....

It's as if you pulled your poem from my head...
I like line 7 actually, it does repeat, but in a good way. I would change some of the other wording, and if you want, I could post what I would change or PM it to you. Even though your poem may be rough around the edges, the feeling behind it is there, and that's what really makes a poem. Good job

 

[ASLER86]

It's as if you pulled your poem from my head...
I like line 7 actually, it does repeat, but in a good way. I would change some of the other wording, and if you want, I could post what I would change or PM it to you. Even though your poem may be rough around the edges, the feeling behind it is there, and that's what really makes a poem. Good job

Okay, if you want you can post or pm what you are thinking....

Thanks

ASLER86

 

[Spherical Time]

You might want to consider using lineation to manipulate the beat. If there are certain lines or passages that you want specifically emphasized, putting space on either side can do that without much revision of the text.

For instance, if you made:

All alone I stand
Drifting like sand
my soul is in pain
What have I gained?
I know that You are there
But I fail to hear You here

Into:

All alone I stand
Drifting like sand
My soul is in pain

What have I gained?

I know that You are there
But I fail to hear You here

That middle line stands out and the beat changes. Small things like that can have a large difference.

 

[ASLER86]

You might want to consider using lineation to manipulate the beat. If there are certain lines or passages that you want specifically emphasized, putting space on either side can do that without much revision of the text.

For instance, if you made:

That middle line stands out and the beat changes. Small things like that can have a large difference.

Okay, cool thats a good idea.

Thanks a lot

ASLER86

 

[ASLER86]

Just to let you know, by the first week of May I am editing my poem out...so if anyone as anything to add....

 

[RJHarmony84]

It really is a good poem, I will only offer some constructive criticism because as I writer I know how helpfull that can be

I think that the ideas and thoughts in your poem are VERY good, you have a deep understanding of human nature, and I can tell you have a wonderfull relationship with God..

However your delivery of these thoughts is a little rough... meter, rythm, feel, beat, structure these things are what makes good ideas into great poetry...

Often times this comes natural, other times not, but one way you can always improve is by reading poems...Read, read, read, read aloud, read to yourself, ony the greatest of all poets, read enough and eventually your own poetry will take in this feel without you having to count syllables and all that ****

Well I hope you consider my advice....keep writing, your talent is worth critiquing.

What she said, and also, you might try making the number of syllables in a line match, instead of rhyming. I've found it helps me, maybe it'll help for you too. keep up the good work!