well thankfully most of my family (on my mums side) know of my fertility problems so they never ask... its accepted that due to my incredibly low fertility (and the fact that that very low fertility is negated by the fact that my medication for PCOS is the pill) that i wont have kids...
also all my close friends know, and many know at church as well... we did have the prayers for children at the wedding, cos at that point we didnt know the full extent of the fertility issues, and even now, if i am ever able to lose weight the fertility issues might go away, we just dont know...
as for all those other people... its hard... we live in a largish town, but even so, many people know our family, so we regularly bump into people we know, friends of the family etc... and the whole 'have you not made your mum and granny yet' comes up a couple times a month... but my mum knows how hard it is for me so we both smile nicely and say 'not at the moment, one day maybe, its not top priority right now' that kind of thing...
about a month or so ago we looked after the little boy of a friend at church who is also the GODson of my parents, and we met a number of people who were like 'is he yours?' and that was just heartbreaking cos we had to go thro all those questions about 6 times in about 15 minutes... i was a mess when i got home...
i think the worst thing is that many people think you are being selfish... and yes, probably even if we 'could' have kids we would chose not to right now cos DH is away so much we just dont see it as fair on any of us... on the kid for having their daddy away so much, on DH for not seeing his kid grow up, and potentially missing all those 'firsts' and on me for having to do so much of it alone...
but i KNOW that GOD has other plans for me right now...
there are things that non mother can do in a childs life that a mother can not do... i am the only one in our church of my age... the other two women nearest me in age have their own kids and so they are not able to take on the youth ministry... and the other women able to are parents, and kids view parents differently to how they view older people who are not parents, so im able t be that older sister who is an adult... that they can confide in, in a different way... who doesnt view things as a parent would, but how they would, but also have an adult view on it, but not a parent view on it...
if that makes sense at all...
and i treasure that opportunity that GOD has given me to minister to our kids at church, but also to my cousins, and friends of the family...
its a positive role...
i just try to hold my head up high, and thankfully i have a great role model of how to do this 'mother to all' thing that i feel GOD has placed before me, as we have the most amazing woman at our church who is that person, and i feel GOD i priming me for that...
i might be wrong... but slowly i feel him shaping me... to be a 'mum' without being a 'mother'
is this makes sense at all!
