What do you do with a very overbearing family...

[MommytoTJ06]

I come from a very dysfunctial upbringing and the chaos I left behind continues within my family still. My father is extremely overbearing and has a very tough love attitude for example when we were evicted from our apartment once he said "you should have seen this coming and don't play the victim act with me" or when I recently lost my job he said "your not a victim you have to get out there and find something else". My mother is a reformed alcoholic with major depression and she constantly critizes my parenting and my home or constantly focuses on negative things in her life or mine. And my sister is very bossy and is always trying to take control over everything and everyone if she asks you a question its not really a yes or no thing its more than she expects the answer she wants and if you don't give it to her she gets rude. I am not perfect and I know that but I find that being around them gives me great anxiety and anger. What do I do?

 

[texastig]

Can you take a break from them for a while?
Thanks,
TT

 

[MommytoTJ06]

texastig vbmenu_register("postmenu_43263097", true);
I am trying to not call them so much and let them have a tremendous influence in my life because they become so toxic sometimes it eats at me when I am around them too much.

 

[UnitynLove]

The solution is just one thing. And that one thing if I had known earlier would have saved me a whooooolle lot of trouble. And that one thing is PRAYER. Instead of getting mad and frustrated pray. For it written, "The anger of man worketh not out the righteousness of God." When you pray you are telling God what is on your heart and what you need help with. Once you do this, forgive them for all they have done (Ask God for the help also to forgive them if it is hard for you) and then walk in love. For it is written "It is not by your strength, nor by your power, but by my spirit." If you want things to change, Pray!

 

[UnitynLove]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PnT-yXLJgsc Messages 1-7

 

[goldenviolet]

baby girl (this is what i call my daughters), family is meant to be a support system. if they are a stumbling block; then you are unequeally yoked. it's ok to seperate yourself from them; and surround yourself with resources that build you up. it's not a sin to try to be more protective of the hurt you exspirance, and if you can find a good support system; you can practice changing and destressing your family's exsperiances with eachother. say; putting distance between you; but making baking a cake just to say "i love you" and pop in for a tiny visit: not long enough to get tangled up in the dysfunction. but just enough, to be a gracious and forgiving daughter/ sister.... or instead of visits, pop them a card. but if you need to completely get away and set new boundries so the stumbling block is no longer causing you grief; then i believe you are just doing what is nessary to break the cycles of dysfunction; and build your own household with wisdom and support to start a family tradition of loving support.
are you in a good church? ask the leadership for help and exsplaine as much as you are comfortable with. if you need to talk, pop me a pm. xo dee

 

[goldenviolet]

p.s. i thought this may encourage you:

What classifies as verbal abuse?

verbally disrepecting someone; without apologizing, trying to work through it, and being so distant, that the only relationship skills used are distructive, demeaning, and dysfunctional.

What classifies as spiritual abuse?

spiritual abuse, spiritually unequally yoked, and spiritual stumbling blocks are all different; but cause us grief in our spirits.
abuse would be someone trying to instill in you things that are not biblical. unequally yoked is having an imtimate relationship of unhealthy boundies, and problems that cause you to sin. and spiritual stumbling blocks are things or people in your life, that cause you to be confused spiritually; put you in difficult positions that are emotionally and spiritually too draining. it can also be temptations that you need to avoid, so you don't stumble into whatever is your 'thorn'.

What affects can it have on you long term?

if you give it to the Lord... you will grow in exsperiance and learn alot about people, and your need to be the hands and feet of Christ; because you'll be able to spot needs in brother's and sisters.
you will also grow deeper spiritually with love for Jesus for carrying you through life. at the same time, life is very rough. very strained and streesful during these this underlined. usually we grow more after we have exscaped it. but family is always there, so these hardships are too. eventually you will be shaped and God will keep you blessed and safe, and even use you for His purposes in convicting their hearts (you don't have to do anything, but be yourself. He's the Savior, you are the seed. and He speaks into hearts where we can't see or hear, so you don't have to 'step up to the plate' and confront or preach.... you just be yourself. trusting in the Lord and letting Him reveal truth is all they need. we christain display alot more than we realize because we just see our faults. Jesus uses even this and your determination to fallow His will, or take refuge in Hm).

What is the best way to deal with it?

surround yourself with things in your life that support the direction you want to go in your walk with the Lord. create (go out of your way, or search for) situations where you can enjoy and relax with the family members that are too intense to you. if you can't, remember each encounter maybe stressful, but your blessings and longsuffering will be rewarded: and make the other parts of your life SO BIG, that these trials are small. pray for them and you in these situations. take breaks from them, and importantly, be yourself, and exspress hurts right as you feel them: like "i feel so small and vaurnable when you say i'm so stupid".
... "when you say God's name in vain, it really hurts my heart, because of how i feel"... " i feel so judged and confined, but i know that you are just being my ..." -
if exspressing yourself makes them lash out; remain calm, and say you need to clear your head, and go to room, bathroom, walk etc.
... be forgiving... try to see past their words to what spiritual needs are, what they mean, and how blessed you are to have salvation from this world. expressing yourself, and getting space, is very comforting to you, and will help you set boundries without confronting and attacking their personality. most people are convicted slowly to not do the things they have always done, or thought of as normal.

is putting distance between you and the problem ok? or 'unchristian'?

if you are not emotionally strong enough to bear family dysfunction, or you don't feel called to minister to them; then you are not sinning to step back and put distance between you and family: until you understand and have found healthy boundries. the Lord wants us to leave everything to fallow Him. this means distractions. if your own family is your stumbling block; and distraction: you are still in the Lord's will to work on things in your life that need healling, growth, destressed, and new family traditions and habits practiced.

what are resources?

prayer, the word of God, healthly outlettes to outreach, knowledge to aid in growth, church family, doctor care, counselling, meds, healthy activities, good sleep, healthy dietary efforts, basically everything and anything that aids you in your spiritual walk; and allows for you to be surrounded by enough supports that you create for yourself and practice fallowing through with the things God has placed before you. i firmly believe we need the Lord to shape our will into His... and give Him permission to take our willfulness and unwillingness too. but practically we need to back up our spiritual commitments with healthy resources. xo

 

[janny108]

I come from a very dysfunctial upbringing and the chaos I left behind continues within my family still. My father is extremely overbearing and has a very tough love attitude for example when we were evicted from our apartment once he said "you should have seen this coming and don't play the victim act with me" or when I recently lost my job he said "your not a victim you have to get out there and find something else". My mother is a reformed alcoholic with major depression and she constantly critizes my parenting and my home or constantly focuses on negative things in her life or mine. And my sister is very bossy and is always trying to take control over everything and everyone if she asks you a question its not really a yes or no thing its more than she expects the answer she wants and if you don't give it to her she gets rude. I am not perfect and I know that but I find that being around them gives me great anxiety and anger. What do I do?

I know what that is like esp with your sister. Sounds like she is taking after mom with the criticism. I remember one year one of my sisters told our parents she wasn't coming for Easter. (we did not make a habit of spending Easter together)AND she went over there for 3 consecutive days so they might be "happy" with her reason for doing so. EEKS. Too much energy. And she was around 40 years old!!

I found one of the main things is to get proactive with your own life. Be too busy to mess around with this stuff. Limit your time with them. Just because others are exhibiting negative behavior does not mean you are always needing to react to it. Get a hobby, go out, get involved with church. DO meaningful things with your time.
Jan

 

[janny108]

texastig vbmenu_register("postmenu_43263097", true);
I am trying to not call them so much and let them have a tremendous influence in my life because they become so toxic sometimes it eats at me when I am around them too much.

Remember toxic behavior must be fed, it needs an audience!
And it affects how you see things too.
Jan

 

[.Sabre.]

Wow, I'm so sorry to read that. Dee (goldenviolet) has many good points, you should listen to her.

I'm here if you need prayer or encouragement.