What do you do when...

[Jenster]

I run into this situation sometimes and was wondering how others handle it?

What do you do when talking with a friend and he/she starts to adopt an "authoritative" tone with you? It annoys me.

Some examples:

- Was talking about hobbies with a friend and I made an off-handed comment about how my last project didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. She JUMPED in and proceeded to lecture me about everything I could do to improve -- all of which I already knew (that wasn't the point of my initial comment anyway). I eventually started to "lecture" her back about the hobby and she backed off.

- Was talking with a friend and she was explaining something fairly basic and kept saying, "Know what I mean?" and "Does that make sense?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "Of course it makes sense! What wouldn't make sense?"

- Was cooking with my mom the other day and she also started telling me basic things that I didn't need to hear about how to cook. (Me, thinking sarcastically: "Use potholders? Gee! What a concept!") I only got her to stop her lecture by telling HER what to do.

Each incident makes me go, . What's the point? Am I reading this wrong? The frustrating thing is when it doesn't stop.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I hear ya Jen!

The one about your mom though I think is just a mom thing! My mom still tells me what to do and so do my older sisters and my older brother as a matter of fact! I think it just comes with the territory with family...

But with friends - it does get frustrating when it seems like they are talking down to you or treating you in a way that invalidates your intelligence or your point of view about something...It could just be though that they are just trying to help and don't realize how they are coming across...

Oh and as far as the KWIM and Does that make sense thing - I say that a lot and I'm just checking to make sure I'm communicating clearly - I don't mean it in a way as to question the listeners intelligence or ability to understand what I'm saying...Does that make sense?

 

[ido]

The first thing I usually do is consider why I'm feeling frustrated or offended by their behavior. Maybe it's my own perception that is off. Or maybe they are just trying to be helpful and don't realize how basic they are making things sound, or are excited about what they're sharing - or whatever.

I tend to believe that people are trying to help rather than put me down or be condescending. If I do feel they are being that way, I will usually try to say, "Hey - I appreciate the input. I'm pretty sure I can figure it out from here." Or I will let them know I was just sharing - not really looking for it to be fixed.

 

[Jenster]

D, I know what you mean!

Yeah, you're right about the mom thing. It's just a bad habit, I guess. FlNGrl, that's a good suggestion of what to say: "Thanks, I can take it from here."

Maybe I'll also try to get to the point with my KWIM friend by assuring her: "Yes, you are communicating clearly." Won't she be pleasantly surprised?

I do think people can be helpful or excited without adopting a certain tone. For example, I give my own examples rather than assume the other person needs to be told what to do, such as: "When I worked on my last project, here's how I handled it..." Or, "You know what I do when I cook that?..." Then I let the other person choose for him/herself whether or not to do something my way. Or if someone's excited, they can say, "I am so jazzed about this" instead of "You need to do this!" or "The next time you try to do (something) you really should ... "

I guess the frustrating thing is feeling invalidated rather than heard and respected, as D said. But it's tempting for all of us to think that we've got the brilliant idea that someone else *needs* to hear, I suppose.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Wow, must a girl thing to be so mature about it. If someone does that to me, I get grouchy REAL quick.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

I often try to figure out why they're doing it, and at the same time move on to a different subject as quickly as possible to avoid getting drawn in further.

Is it possible they're insecure and are just trying to show they're knowledgeable about something, and trying to show they know more than you do?

As far as I can tell the kwim thing is just a placeholder, a conversation filler. Think of "like" and "you know." I suspect they're waiting for a reaction from you.

 

[Jenster]

Wow, must a girl thing to be so mature about it. If someone does that to me, I get grouchy REAL quick.

LOL. Oh, I'm grouchy -- but also trying hard to keep the peace. Maybe I should just let it all hang out, and then I'd feel better! Or maybe not.

I often try to figure out why they're doing it, and at the same time move on to a different subject as quickly as possible to avoid getting drawn in further.

Is it possible they're insecure and are just trying to show they're knowledgeable about something, and trying to show they know more than you do?

Yeah, that's sort of what I'm figuring it is, which is part of why it's annoying. Plus I feel it would be disingenuous of me to act like the attentive "student" to their "teacher." I end up feeling awkward and a bit at a loss as to how to act...

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

If you think this way with most people, I would say check your attitude. If it's only a few, be yourself, tell them how you feel. My guess is they are doing it unknowingly or....maybe they have an attitude problem.

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Michelle, that's a good question to check if it's my attitude in general. I consider myself fairly teachable, but most of the time I expect to be the one deciding if I want to be taught.

 

[Janet2008]

- Was talking with a friend and she was explaining something fairly basic and kept saying, "Know what I mean?" and "Does that make sense?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "Of course it makes sense! What wouldn't make sense?"

I do this a fair bit...:o
But I don't do it to 'talk down to' someone. It's more of a 'not sure I am explaining it right' thing.

I will say, does that make sense, hoping that the person hearing me understands my inept way of saying whatever it was I said.

Does that make sense?

Oh gee. just saw that dluvs2trvl said the same thing. doh!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Does that make sense?

Oh gee. just saw that dluvs2trvl said the same thing. doh!

LOL! Great minds think alike!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks, Michelle, that's a good question to check if it's my attitude in general. I consider myself fairly teachable, but most of the time I expect to be the one deciding if I want to be taught.

Thanks for not taking offense . I find that if I look at things from the other person's perspective it helps me not get as frustrated. I have 2 examples.
Once I worked with this woman that absolutely drove me nuts. She talked a mile a minute and just rambled on about nothing. She was very friendly and usually happy, almost singing "Good Morning!" instead of saying it. One day she came in my office and I was making the schedules out and I had spelled her name wrong. Her name was Jo Ellen, not Joellen. She kinda went off on me. She made that clear to me in no uncertain terms, and then she turned to me and abruptly said to me "well you know I'm bi polar don't you?" I didn't but from that moment on, she never bothered me, not her moods or anything. In fact I came to understand her more and we became good friends.

My step dad....one day I ate a bag of dorritos from his cupboard. Later I purchased another bag and tried to give them to him. He wouldn't take them and kept tossing them back to me. I finally gave them back to him and said jokingly "you're crazy! just take the bag!" Well 3 days later he asked me "remember when you said I was crazy? well you didn't REALLY mean that I was CRAZY did you? you were just kidding right?" (now I really thought he was crazy) he even wrote me a 3 page letter over it. I was like . But come to find out, he had previously had a nervous breakdown when his previous wife had died while he was asleep in the bedroom, so for him, me saying "you're crazy!" was not just some flippant comment. After that, I could understand better where he was coming from.

Hope that helps!

 

[Jenster]

I appreciate those examples, Michelle. Goes to show we never *really* know what's going on with someone.

Funny, your first example reminds me of what happened at work this past week. We had a little "birthday" celebration for employees with birthdays in the last month. Well, one co-worker looked on the "Happy Birthday" sign and saw her name was misspelled. Clearly it was a typo. But instead of taking it in stride, she made a very rude and ungrateful comment -- within earshot of the person who had organized the whole thing. I don't think anything really excuses her behavior, but I did know that she's been under stress lately, so at least that was a *reason* for her remark. And for me, it made the situation at least understandable.

I'm reading a book on reflective listening right now that I'm hoping will address this issue. The tricky part is when someone doesn't come out and say, "I'm feeling insecure" or "I want you to be impressed by how much I know" and you're left guessing at their motives.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I appreciate those examples, Michelle. Goes to show we never *really* know what's going on with someone.

Funny, your first example reminds me of what happened at work this past week. We had a little "birthday" celebration for employees with birthdays in the last month. Well, one co-worker looked on the "Happy Birthday" sign and saw her name was misspelled. Clearly it was a typo. But instead of taking it in stride, she made a very rude and ungrateful comment -- within earshot of the person who had organized the whole thing. I don't think anything really excuses her behavior, but I did know that she's been under stress lately, so at least that was a *reason* for her remark. And for me, it made the situation at least understandable.

I'm reading a book on reflective listening right now that I'm hoping will address this issue. The tricky part is when someone doesn't come out and say, "I'm feeling insecure" or "I want you to be impressed by how much I know" and you're left guessing at their motives.

I hear ya lol. When you don't really "know" what's causing someone to act ridiculous, just give 'em the benefit of the doubt, or you could make up a scenerio in your head (might be fun lol)for them like "well she's that way, because her boyfriend just told her he's gay" or something like that . Anyway, while there is no excuse for people to act this way, we don't want to join in with them.