What do I do?

[JackB03]

Hey everyone. Ive got a problem and not sure how to make it right. There is a girl I am dating, that I known since high school and we care about each other alot. We are both 24 years old. I used to be married, back when I was 19 and divorced at 21 with two beautiful kids. She is in the process of getting a divorce with one kid.

I see this alot now adays, but the matter is, I know it is a sin to date her. She is still married. We get along great, communicate great, and is probably the best relationship i ever had. To be honest, she got me involved with GOD and that is how I began wanting to learn about GOD. So we became closer and closer, but unsure about what to do in this situation.

Do we need to just stop talking and seeing each other until she is divorced or just keep asking for forgivness? Or anything other solution. Its been on my mind awhile, and I feel like im being a hypocrite by learning about GOD, yet doing what Im doing.

Please help.,

Jack

 

[EazyMack]

Depends on what you mean by "seeing" each other. Also... well the whole issue of divorce itself gets sticky from a Christian perspective. I mean, Jesus commanded against divorce, but all sins are forgiveable, but then there's repentance, but what exactly are you repenting for, etc. etc. So I'm a bit afraid to step into this one...

... but what the hay. I married at 21, separated at 22, divorced finalized at 24. No kids, never had properties, never even lived on our own, nothing.

I know I'm forgiven. It took a very long time to forgive myself. The regret was not so much in the divorce, but in getting married in the first place. Had no business doing so, did not have the right reasons for it, didn't even have my heart in it. And neither did she. It was really just a marriage on paper.

I don't know what your case is. Just keep the relationship healthy. Don't go too far with it until all the dust has settled. Be friends, support each other, hang out, have dinner, whatever. Don't go home with her or take her home with you, just avoid that whole mess. Both of you keep it in your prayers where to go with this. Don't do anything until you know what to do.

 

[JackB03]

Thanks. Really suprised by the responses. I felt like Im doing a very wrong thing. You mentioned "Forgiveness" and "Repent". Im curious what the difference is.

Im sorry, probably a simple answer, but im still very new at this. I thought it meant the same thing.

Anyone else on my problem, please give me your input.

Thanks
Jack

 

[EazyMack]

Don't be sorry.

Repenting is to turn away from your sin. We don't always have the strength on our own to stop ourselves from whatever vice has a grip on us, but repentance begins in the heart. You are looking to the right places for answers. Jesus sees the heart, and since you have given your heart to Him, He will work with that. Keep walking in faith in that fact, and you will see transformations in yourself over time that you will be able to explain in no other way.

In the case of divorce, repentance may either mean returning to your spouse, or really cleaning up your act and not being so careless next time. Never divorce again, basically.

You are in a complicated situation that I can relate to personally, including the approximate age. That is why I say you have to be really careful with this relationship you two have. I wasn't so careful and came out more spiritually bruised than I needed to be, and it can still haunt me at times. That's why I need a Savior too! So like I said, be friends, hang out, but avoid temptation! You will never stand a chance otherwise. This relationship is somehow going to have to glorify God in order to really work. I don't see how that will happen without taking things very slow.

And if you take it slow, ease into things, and keep it spiritually healthy at all times, and if it works out, then it will all be worth it in the end. And if it doesn't work out, no spiritual damage done, no regrets. Either way, you are home free. So be patient & stay strong by leaning on Jesus. And keep coming around for support.

 

[JackB03]

By turning away from a sin(repenting), how is that possible? We sin all the time and can not be perfect. Thats what I am confused about.

 

[EazyMack]

Always remember that God judges the heart. As I said, certain things get a grip on us & it can be hard to break free. But if your heart is longing to be better, to improve, to overcome... God sees that.

So as an example, if someone's attitude is that they're going to do what they're going to do and not care at all about it, no matter what God or anyone else thinks... that would be the opposite of repentance.

 

[Sketcher]

Repentance means to turn around completely. Saying sorry and continuing to do what you've been doing is not repentance. In fact, doing so is a lie, because "sorry" means, "I wish I hadn't done it; I'll never do it again." We all fall short on this so much in so many areas, myself included. It sure would be convenient if that made it acceptable, but that is not the case.

On the relationship itself:

"But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery." - Matthew 5:32

This is as lenient as Jesus is recorded as being on the subject. Based on this, you should break it off for good.

 

[EazyMack]

Also... well the whole issue of divorce itself gets sticky from a Christian perspective. I mean, Jesus commanded against divorce, but all sins are forgiveable, but then there's repentance, but what exactly are you repenting for, etc. etc. So I'm a bit afraid to step into this one...

Like I said.

But at 19, 20, 21... so naive, so clueless. Still a kid in today's society. Accountability in a situation like this... I mean I'm not saying give everybody of the age group a free pass, but circumstances & situations... I have a hard time putting a flat rate across the board. I don't accept that what's on paper is all there is to it. I know that my own marriage was never really a marriage between her & I. Our hearts weren't in it.

Perhaps a little extra light on the circumstances here for both sides would help.

 

[psalms 91]

By turning away from a sin(repenting), how is that possible? We sin all the time and can not be perfect. Thats what I am confused about.

Read 1 John 1: 9-10 you will find a loving answer there

 

[psalms 91]

Also it is good to keep in mind what is before the cross and what is after for when we are born again all things become new and the old is passed away.

 

[JackB03]

Read 1 John 1: 9-10 you will find a loving answer there

So forgiving and repenting is the same? I read 1 John 1 9:10 and I understand that. Repenting, according to the guy above, says to never return to that sin. So pretty much you cant repent from every sin right? Because we will always sin.

Im really confused about the difference in forgiving and repenting.

 

[psalms 91]

Repent means we are truly sorry for the sin and that we will do our best to refrain from that sin but if we fail we having a loving and just Father that is willing to forgive. It is in the heart that we are judged not our actions (thank God) or we would all be in trouble. What repepntance means is that by the strength of God qwe will not do that nagain but if we are weak we will be quick to repent and ask forgiveness. God and the Holy Spirit clean you up, not man. Nomne of us will ever be perfect in this life so quit allowing satan to show you how bad you are for every time he does that just say by the blood of Jesus I am forgiven and am a new creature in Christ and all things are forgiven and I become new.

 

[epistemaniac]

you definitely should not be "‬seeing" ‬a married woman.... ‬not casually dating her.... ‬not hanging out as "‬just friends"‬.... ‬basically you should not be alone with her....‬ this does not mean you must sever all ties with her... ‬you can be together when you are with other friends, ‬preferably Christian friends who will hold you both accountable to living a pure life.

think of it this ‬way.... ‬when you were married to your former spouse, ‬would you have wanted her to be hanging out, ‬alone, ‬with another guy? She is a married woman, you are not the one married to her. Therefore, you ought not "be" with her in any way other than that which is appropriate for any 2 unmarried people to be with one another. ‬A guy just hanging out with a girl, alone‬, ‬frequently, ‬is how sexual sins happen. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (ESV) ‬18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. "

And if you have sex with her while she is married you will both be committing adultery,[wash my mouth] ‬a very very serious sin, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (ESV) 9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. besides this, if you have sex prior to marriage, even if she was divorced, you will be committing the sin of fornication."

As an earlier person asked... "why is she getting divorced?" I am not literally asking that you tell me necessarily. I am asking that you look at what the Scriptures say regarding reasons for permitting divorce in the first place. Has there been adultery on her husband's part? If so, is it habitual? A one time occurrence? If so, her first recourse should be to forgive him, just as Christ forgave her for her sins. However, if he is unrepentant, habitually committing adultery, supposing for the moment that this is the reason for their separation/pending divorce, then she seems to have biblical reason for a divorce. However if it is just because "they just can't get a long", have "grown apart", are no longer "in love". well none of these are sufficient reasons for divorce. If a person does divorce for unbiblical reasons, and then marries another, they will be causing the person they married to be in a constant state of adultery, because God has not recognized their divorce, as it was not for biblical reasons in the first place. I hope you can see that this is a horrible place to be. Jesus said Luke 16:18 (ESV) “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery."

All in all, you are in a very very serious situation and if you want to act like a Christian, to do what Jesus would do, to be Christ-like in this situation, you need to exercise extreme caution and wisdom, and cease any romantic involvement with a woman who is currently married to another man..

blessings,
Ken

 

[Sketcher]

So forgiving and repenting is the same? I read 1 John 1 9:10 and I understand that. Repenting, according to the guy above, says to never return to that sin. So pretty much you cant repent from every sin right? Because we will always sin.

The picture I'm painting isn't that black. Let's say you have a sin habit. For the sake of argument, we'll call it flipping people off on the road when they do something you don't like. It's entrenched, but the Lord convicts you of it, and you pray about stopping this behavior often and you make resolutions in your mind to hold back. You do this less, and you strain on. You're repenting. You finally stop and you can consistently drive down the highway in heavy traffic without extending that middle finger to the multitude of drivers which is no smarter than it was before. You've repented. Let's say 10 years later for whatever reason you're driving down the road and somebody does something idiotic and you flip them the bird. This doesn't mean you haven't repented. This only means that you've stumbled and backslidden. You can repent of this and you don't have to be condemned to doing this continually again.

Im really confused about the difference in forgiving and repenting.

Forgiving is what the party who was wronged does/is supposed to do. Repenting is what the party who did the wrong thing has to do. We repent, God forgives us. That's how it works. He is patient and knows whether we are sincere or not. If we are sincere, he's generally not going to bring the hammer of judgment on us for not completing the process yet. He sees us repenting and likes that. If we are not sincere though, we can't fool him.

 

[JackB03]

And if you have sex with her while she is married you will both be committing adultery,[wash my mouth] ‬a very very serious sin, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (ESV) 9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. besides this, if you have sex prior to marriage, even if she was divorced, you will be committing the sin of fornication."

So, by having had sex with her, I am not going to enter the kingdom of heaven? What if I stop seeing her and ask got for forgiveness and repent?

Jack

 

[epistemaniac]

So, by having had sex with her, I am not going to enter the kingdom of heaven? What if I stop seeing her and ask got for forgiveness and repent?

Jack

God is a gracious merciful God.....what you have done is not the unforgivable sin. Some of the discussion here has been about the word and concept "repentance"... it means "to turn away from".... and if you repent from your sin, ask God to forgive you for it, and you show that you really are repentant and sorry for your sin by not repeating it and jut thinking "God will forgive me", eg that by "turning away from sinit" then there is no reason to think that God would not forgive you. The Scriptures are clear that if we ask God to forgive us, that we repent from our sinful ways He will. Christians still sin after all, but their lives are marked by a battle against sin, and certainly sleeping with someone, repeatedly, outside the context of a God ordained and honoring marriage, shows no remorse and no repentance for thier sin and thus God does not forgive sins that are not truly repented of. (Not that this is what you are doing, I am just speaking generally) And without speaking presumptuously (only God knows the heart), your question about stopping the relationship shows your sincerity….. yes, if you stop "seeing her" as in "dating her" then that shows your desire to be faithful to Christ and His commandments, shows true repentance, and thus indicates true and complete forgiveness.

The second stage is to look at why she is divorcing her husband. Will God honor that divorce? Is it for biblical reasons? Because if it is not, she will not really be divorced, and thus your involvement with her will still be sinful as she will still be, as far as God is concerned, a married woman, even if there is some man-made paper work stating that she is divorced by human courts. God's law is supreme over man's law, and in the marriage covenant we say that what God has joined together, let not man put asunder. If a covenant was made between this woman and her husband, a covenant.... not a mere human "contract" which can be broken.... if this covenant was made before God Himself, and He lays out in the word of God under what circumstances a divorce would be granted, then a couple is married until God's law says they are not.

Remember first of all though that God hates divorce. Malachi 2:16 (NASB) "For I hate divorce," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the Lord of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

But God realizes that we are sinners: Matthew 19:7-9 (ESV) 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

…… and that in some cases divorce is unavoidable, particularly when one of the spouses is engaging in adulterous behavior, and shows no sign of repenting from this behavior. In such cases God allows divorce and remarriage. So if the woman you are interested in will eventually be divorced for biblical reasons, and you are divorced for biblical reasons, then you may remarry.

check out http://www.desiringgod.org/Resource...iage_in_the_Life_of_Bethlehem_Baptist_Church/

If you would take the time to read at least the church-wide position paper for John Piper’s church, you would be well informed on this very important issue. I would also recommend Jay Adams’ book “Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible”, if you really want to be challenged, then read John Piper's personal convictions regarding this issue at http://www.desiringgod.org/Resource...1488_Divorce_and_Remarriage_A_Position_Paper/

Blessings,
Ken

 

[nhisname]

Hey everyone. Ive got a problem and not sure how to make it right. There is a girl I am dating, that I known since high school and we care about each other alot. We are both 24 years old. I used to be married, back when I was 19 and divorced at 21 with two beautiful kids. She is in the process of getting a divorce with one kid.

I see this alot now adays, but the matter is, I know it is a sin to date her. She is still married. We get along great, communicate great, and is probably the best relationship i ever had. To be honest, she got me involved with GOD and that is how I began wanting to learn about GOD. So we became closer and closer, but unsure about what to do in this situation.

Do we need to just stop talking and seeing each other until she is divorced or just keep asking for forgivness? Or anything other solution. Its been on my mind awhile, and I feel like im being a hypocrite by learning about GOD, yet doing what Im doing.

Please help.,

Jack

What does the Lord tell you to do? He's the one who matters, not you, not her.

 

[epistemaniac]

thankfully knowing what the Lord wants him to do is not a matter of guesswork, or mere subjective muses,,,we do not have any Oracles at Delphi though the horoscope page comes pretty close.. thank God for his word, which gives us all we need for faith and godliness.... 2 Peter 1:3-4 (ESV) 3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4 by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. "

 

[JackB03]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I decided that I will not see this girl anymore and turn away. So pretty much I am repenting from this sin and asking GOD to forgive me.

I do have another question. During my marriage, I did not know GOD. Yes I knew of GOD but I wasnt a believer. So during my marriage I did have sexual relations with other women. When my ex-wife found out, she divorced me. So, now that I have looked over everyones thoughts and read some from the bible, it seems like, either I should be single for the rest of my life or remarry my ex-wife. It seems that will be the only way not to commit adultery and repent from it. Is that true? Does that make sense? But I got a question. Since my ex-wife divorced, with biblical reasons, will it be adulerty to try to work out our marriage even though we are now divorced?

Also, one more question(sorry everyone), I read this on a website about Adultery and the Bible.....
"What is adultery? Technically there are differences in the original Biblical language as there is in the English between adultery and fornication, but as used in this brief study, adultery is illicit sexual intercourse between married or unmarried persons. God has graciously provided -for the sexual desires of men and women to be satisfied only in marriage and to engage in pre-marital, or extra-marital sex, before or outside of marriage is to sin in God's sight. It should be made clear, however, that the sin of adultery, as serious in God's sight, and as hateful as it -is to those who commit it, it is forgivable! The story of Jesus and the woman who was taken in adultery (John 8) shows that adultery may be forgiven when God's conditions of pardon are met. "

At the last line, it says, "adultery may be forgiven when God's conditions of pardon are met". What does that mean for me, since I committed adultery? What conditions do I have to meet to be pardon?

Thanks again everyone, your thoughts are really helping me with this learning experience.

Jack

 

[SpitfireOverThames]

I do have another question. During my marriage, I did not know GOD. Yes I knew of GOD but I wasnt a believer. So during my marriage I did have sexual relations with other women. When my ex-wife found out, she divorced me. So, now that I have looked over everyones thoughts and read some from the bible, it seems like, either I should be single for the rest of my life or remarry my ex-wife. It seems that will be the only way not to commit adultery and repent from it. Is that true? Does that make sense? But I got a question. Since my ex-wife divorced, with biblical reasons, will it be adulerty to try to work out our marriage even though we are now divorced?

Also, one more question(sorry everyone), I read this on a website about Adultery and the Bible.....
"What is adultery? Technically there are differences in the original Biblical language as there is in the English between adultery and fornication, but as used in this brief study, adultery is illicit sexual intercourse between married or unmarried persons. God has graciously provided -for the sexual desires of men and women to be satisfied only in marriage and to engage in pre-marital, or extra-marital sex, before or outside of marriage is to sin in God's sight. It should be made clear, however, that the sin of adultery, as serious in God's sight, and as hateful as it -is to those who commit it, it is forgivable! The story of Jesus and the woman who was taken in adultery (John 8) shows that adultery may be forgiven when God's conditions of pardon are met. "

At the last line, it says, "adultery may be forgiven when God's conditions of pardon are met". What does that mean for me, since I committed adultery? What conditions do I have to meet to be pardon?

Thanks again everyone, your thoughts are really helping me with this learning experience.

Jack

Hey Jack!
I salute you for wanting to seek counsel and do the right things. It isn't easy, but it will be good in the long haul. You're young but you've experienced a lot of things that have been difficult for you, and painful (and for others in your life). But by asking the right questions, you can find your way into a life that is truly new, and filled with great potential. As it is written in the opening sentence of the book, PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE, "It's not about me" (or in your case, about you).

Your questions have complex answers. Don't become tired in seeking them out. Ask GOD to help you, to give you the empowerment to go through and do what is right.

Jack, your marriage dissolved because you were maritally unfaithful to her. She had legal and spiritual right to divorce you. What I understand about divorce is that it is GOD's heart and desire for reconciliation between two people who have divorced. If your wife is willing to forgive you, and if you have determined to honour your vows of faithfulness to her, then you should seek to dissolve the divorce. In doing this, the divorce as a spiritual sin will not retain its power. All you need to do is seek her forgiveness, seek the LORD's forgiveness for causing the breakdown in the marriage, and then the marriage will be restored.

If she is unforgiving and does not seek reconciliation, if she is nonChristian and adamantly against the faith, if she is now with other men in a sexual manner, then you may consider moving on and finding a woman who does love Him, etc. If she had remarried or died, then obviously, there is no chance for reconciliation. In the former situations, you may consider moving on and dating another lady for your future. But if you have a "red alert" in your conscience upon dating, it may be an indication to wait on the LORD to work in your former wife's heart. If she is a believer, and is forgiving to you, then seek for reconcilation, even if it means a lengthy wait.

Adultery is when you have sexual relations with another woman while being married. Fornication is when you have sexual relations with a woman while not in marriage covenant (because sex is not a toy, but a gift, and it must be guarded and protected by commitment and covenant).

This new girl that you are liking... Its a tough one, but you really need to consider seeking for reconciliation with your original wife. And once she forgives you, and once you have asked the Lord to forgive you and received that forgiveness, you can begin afresh.

Listen to your conscience. Listen to the Scriptures. Listen to the Holy Spirit in regard to these matters of life.

If you want to talk to me directly, feel free to message me here at CF.

Your friend,
~Sean