what do I do.

[tas25]

so very frustrated, I love my SO so much, and I know he loves me...but I am just so annoyed he lives in a diffrn't city about 2 hours away and yes he does come up every weekend, but he never mentions us getting married, granted we've only been together 7 mo's but I am not 16 I am 26 and not getting any younger....I miss him so much all the time.....now am I being silly, or do I have a right to feel like he should be making some decisions for where we stand......


He was previously married, and they dated for about 4 mo's and married in two.....but he knows I am nothing like that women......I don't know I guess I am tired of the "he's my boyfriend", scene....I am ready for us to step it up......

 

[halifaxhoney]

You could ask him how he feels about marriage and see what he says. He's probably afraid to get married again.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Well, being married before and it was a quick marriage, he's probably pretty hesitant about jumping into anything again. I can see why perhaps he's taking things slow.

Perhaps you should delicately approach the subject with him and ask him what his views on your relationship. I wouldn't throw the marriage word around too much yet. He may freak and run for the hills.

 

[SirKenin]

Well, being married before and it was a quick marriage, he's probably pretty hesitant about jumping into anything again. I can see why perhaps he's taking things slow.

Perhaps you should delicately approach the subject with him and ask him what his views on your relationship. I wouldn't throw the marriage word around too much yet. He may freak and run for the hills.

Precisely.

 

[Wett]

Ask him where the relationship is.
You seem to feel a clock ticking.
He's been married before.
It sounds like you're trying to give him an out.
He was shell shocked by the 1st one but do you want to marry him?
If so, see if he wants to or not. He's a guy. He already knows wether he's gonna stay or not. He takes the time to come up during the weekend so it appears like the answer is yes...unless he's already coming up for kids or something else???

If his answer is no.
It gives you time to regroup and press on.

and you aren't stuck in this cloud of not knowing

(I don't know if him freaking and running is such a bad thing , I guess I'm getting old fahioned ... a man who dates for that long and doesn't commit should be shown the door )

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

(I don't know if him freaking and running is such a bad thing , I guess I'm getting old fahioned ... a man who dates for that long and doesn't commit should be shown the door )

I think she should ask him where he thinks the relationship is going before moving on. I agree, as I myself wouldn't wait around too long. Some people say you should date for a year or so. My personal belief is if neither of you have an idea if there's a future after around six months, stop wasting each other's time. They've been dating for 7 months--about the total time he was with his ex when they married. I can understand if the man has a few issues with it and wants to wait awhile. However, I think she would like to know that he sees a future together.

I don't think she should go in there talking marriage left and right or demanding on setting a time frame. I think they need to discuss issues that he has with the previous marriage and build their relationship to head towards marriage.

Or perhaps it's all red flags to her stating perhaps she does need to move on. However, I don't know and she won't either until she asks questions. Also, if she feels that this is her only opportunity to get married and is pressuring herself to get married because of that . . . well, then she needs to re-evaluate the relationship herself.

 

[superfly]

hmmm... i think i'll pretty much agree with most of what caelda said there...

 

[_sunshinegirl]

I think you are totally justified in your feelings.
From birth we are taught to believe that we much be married by 'this' age, must have a family by 'this' age and so therefore you in some ways see your time as running out.
It is common for women however to 'view' more of the relantionship than the man aka 'put more forth' I think because we are more emotional beings. My roommate is currently going through the same thing as you except the distance is greater and the length together is longer. My advice is to just to ask him where it is going .. what does 'he' see in your future. Dependant upon that reply I would make my next move. If he says 'nowhere' then I really wouldn't waste my time. Ask him 'when' if ever does he see you two moving closer to each other, but don't nag him. I wouldn't want anyone to have to carry to quilt of wondering 'why' someone did what they did (say he moves to you in 2 months, yet you have agrued about it 20+ times) what they wanted to do or because they feel pressured to.

Most importantly pray for Gods will to be done.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Hmm...
Nothing wrong with not being married.
Trying to force something that shouldn't happen tends to have tragic consequences.

I don't know either of you so I can't say anything beyond that.

 

[~Nikki~]

I say this with the utmost respect because I know that where emotions are involved things get tough, but PLEASE check with God to see what He says about marrying a divorced man...

Luke 16
18 Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Mark 10
11 So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.

I know these words will probably cause offence and I don't quote these verses to hurt you but to show you what God says about the matter...

Please consider them...

God bless...

 

[FaithfulServant]

I say this with the utmost respect because I know that where emotions are involved things get tough, but PLEASE check with God to see what He says about marrying a divorced man...

Luke 16
18 Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Mark 10
11 So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.

I agree that every Christian who is divorced or considering courting/dating a divorced Christian should not disregard these verses. Thank you for posting these Northstar

 

[tas25]

I agree, and no I don't disregard the scriptures....

 

[Grishnak]

Wow.
so you feel 6 months is always entirely enough dating time to tell if this is the person you want to spend the next 60 years with?

Personally, if it were up to me, a couple would be taking a minimum of one year and if they were under 25, then it would be 2 years, just to get to know each other.

The divorce rate is so high for one reason because so many rush in after a few months and dont really know the other person as well as they thought they did.

Hence my two divorces.

I think she should ask him where he thinks the relationship is going before moving on. I agree, as I myself wouldn't wait around too long. Some people say you should date for a year or so. My personal belief is if neither of you have an idea if there's a future after around six months, stop wasting each other's time. They've been dating for 7 months--about the total time he was with his ex when they married. I can understand if the man has a few issues with it and wants to wait awhile. However, I think she would like to know that he sees a future together.

I don't think she should go in there talking marriage left and right or demanding on setting a time frame. I think they need to discuss issues that he has with the previous marriage and build their relationship to head towards marriage.

Or perhaps it's all red flags to her stating perhaps she does need to move on. However, I don't know and she won't either until she asks questions. Also, if she feels that this is her only opportunity to get married and is pressuring herself to get married because of that . . . well, then she needs to re-evaluate the relationship herself.

 

[Grishnak]

yes, be sure to check.

If the man divorced over his exs harlotry, then he is permitted to remarry.

"But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except for a matter of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorcee commits adultery.
(Mat 5:32 EMTV)


And I say to you, that whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marrying a divorcee commits adultery."
(Mat 19:9 EMTV)

I say this with the utmost respect because I know that where emotions are involved things get tough, but PLEASE check with God to see what He says about marrying a divorced man...

Luke 16
18 Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Mark 10
11 So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.

I know these words will probably cause offence and I don't quote these verses to hurt you but to show you what God says about the matter...

Please consider them...

God bless...

 

[InTheFlame]

Tas.... you don't mention that you've thought through why you might (or might not) want to marry him. You don't mention whether you two talk about the future or not. You don't say how the relationship started out. WHY do you want to marry him? Just because you're not getting any younger?

Personally, I think NO, he shouldn't be 'making some decisions for where you stand'. That's something you should do together, carefully, with a lot of thought, serious discussion, and prayer.

I highly recommend Boundaries in Dating (Cloud & Townsend). See if you can get hold of a copy... it'll help you work out what you're looking for in a life partner, whether he fits the bill, whether you're fit to be married at the moment (eg. emotionally mature enough!)... etc.

 

[tas25]

I have read boundaries, and i can give an endless list of why I want to marry him as well as why I wouldnt...none of which I have enough time to list...I am pretty aware of how I feel and my feelings are solid not come and go...I love him very much...He gets on my nerves so bad sometimes but even at the worst of times I couldnt imagine not being with out him.....I want to marry him because we truly make a great team...we are friends...but friends with a love for eachother that goes deep...I feel safe with him, I feel loved with him...

 

[JWBZ SVT]

I agree with Grishnak.


Tas25,

What about just telling him how happy you are and that you want to know/hear him say how happy he is and what his intentions are. However you decide to do it, just be mindful to not put pressure on him.

 

[tas25]

Well, I did tell him I feel like I am just the girlfriend sometime and he reminded me that when he marries me, he want's it to be right....he said he wants to give me everything I want and yada yada yada .....and that he loves me so much...So for now I am going to just leave it alone and continuing loving him as I am....I want him to make the right choice for him as well as myself, not because I want to marry him now...

 

[Hope_0004]

Hmmmm... well, I'm on the side that says, "What's the rush?" But I do know how you feel. I have been dating my guy for 6 months and about a month ago got a little antsy because we hadn't talked "m" word... then one night we got into a spat of sorts and there comes, "Of course I want to marry you... someday". For me, that's enough.

Sounds like you have talked to him about marriage, and that he's saying that he does want to marry you - eventually. So... seems to me you have to decide if a) you believe him and b) if you're willing to wait till whenever which is about what he's committed to. Sounds like you are. And this part is the hardest for me too - now you have to live with it. Not just because you don't have anything better to do, or because you don't want to let him go - you have to make a decision that his answer, that his plan, is okay with you, or your relationship will never work. You don't want to be "waiting him out". That's not fair to him and it puts way too much pressure on your relationship.

I am just giving advice that others have given me, which I know is hard to take. But it really does get tiring to "pretend" like whatever you're getting is enough while you're secretly waiting for more. There's always the chance we'll never get that "more", so I for one want to make sure I'm getting "enough" each day.