What Do I Do Now?

[okron]

New poster here....wish I wasn't coming with such a heavy heart.

My son is 15 and we have had previous problems with porn, lying (mostly normal teen stuff), and a single inappropriate action with a girl. We dealt with each instant severely I thought and had hoped he was on the right track. Recently found him dropping AIM sessions quickly when I came in the room so I decided to load some monitoring software. It seems he is still visiting porn sites but was deleting his history, also prompting a girl to send him naked pictures (she has teased him for a couple of days with this) and finally what really hurt was a AIM session with another girl (all these are non-girl friend relationships) in which he indicated I beat him and he has kicked my hind-end on several occassions (False on both accounts). Other than this dark side, he is a really great kid, a leader on his HS team, attends church with us regularly, respectfull of authority, teachers tell us they love having him in class except for the occassional cut up that goes on too long, and is well behaved....but now I'm at a loss for words. I have not said anything to him yet but did let my wife know what I had found out this morning...nice Valentine present huh.

I did not tell my son I was monitoring him but I don't want this to go off on a discussion on whether or not I should be monitoring my son....he provided plenty of reasons for it so please don't go there.

What do you recommend I do, should I look for ways to bring my findings up without revealing my source, should I take more severe groundings and tell him all future PC use will be monitored. How do I address the lying about the abuse?

That's probably enough for now....thanks for listening.

 

[Mela'h]

Hi okron Welcome to CF. I also have a 15 year old son and I hear what you're saying. About a year ago, I found out that my son was getting into some hard core porn. It really devasted me because I have really tried to teach him to value women and not treat them as objects.

It's a hard age - their hormones are going crazy and young men are getting up to 30 sharp hormonal spikes a day, hence the angst and moodiness. They are stuck between knowing that they know it all yet they are unable to make all of their own decisions....I would hate to be a teen again.

When my husband and I found some sites that our son had visited and found some pics in his room, we really prayed about how we would handle it. And we felt that above everything, we wanted him to know that we love him, that God loves him and that those women in the pics and on the sites he was visiting are someone's daughter, someone's sister and that God loves and values them. That when we expose ourselves to pornography in any form, it reduces the person lookiing at it and the person participating in porn. We did not want to make him feel dirty and shameful. We wanted to use it to help shape his views and to let him know that to use porn is to reduce people to a piece of flesh and to not see the person.

As to your son lying about you beating him, I don't know. That is you and your wife's call. I would just say pray about it. Kids deal with their range of emotions in ways that seem really inappropriate to us but really seem to help them make sense of stuff going on in their lives.

It sounds like you have a really great kid. You must have done a lot of things right. I am finding that as my son grows and learns to be his own person, I really have to trust in what I have tried to instill in him throughout his childhood. I have to trust that Christ will not let him go and that he is protected by our Father. Both my husband and I have always tried to let our son see that we are all on the same team. That we are his biggest fans. We don't do everything right but we love him and love covers a multitude of sins. Praying for wisdom and discerment for you and that love and mercy would cover your family as you go through these trying teen years together. *Whew* raising teens is not for the faint of heart!!!

 

[okron]

Cookie
Thanks for your input, my wife who just read all the stuff I read early this morning so she is hot. We'll pray about it and make decisions later. Hopefully I'll get some more input (I do appreciate the comment about having a good kid...needed reminding of that.)

 

[lawtonfogle]

For the lying - I really don't understand this one, and have no clue why besides he is trying to make himself look more important.

For the porn - speak with the youth pastor about starting a boys only group, and get your son to join, it will be a help.

 

[okron]

Lawton,
...when you say start a boys only group....the Sunday bible study (Sunday School) class is only boys or are you referring to a special study on the topic?

 

[lawtonfogle]

Lawton,
...when you say start a boys only group....the Sunday bible study (Sunday School) class is only boys or are you referring to a special study on the topic?

Special study on the topic of sexual purity, covers everything from dating to respecting women. There are some good Christian work books to go along. At my church, there is a girls only also, but I know nothing more about them.

The group only needs to be about 8 or less in size though.

 

[Hackett]

For the lying - I really don't understand this one, and have no clue why besides he is trying to make himself look more important.

For the porn - speak with the youth pastor about starting a boys only group, and get your son to join, it will be a help.

Very Good suggestion.

 

[Tweet]

What do I do Now:

I think you have some excellent advice on what to do about the porn. I want to speak regarding the lying. We live in a time where it is not "cool" for kids to have a normal loving family. Teenagers thrive on drama unfortunately. I don't believe that your son was lying for any other reason than that. Not to say it's okay but that is the reality that our children are living in. When you and your wife talk to him you want to make it clear to him that lying about abuse is not a joke and the repercussions that a lie like that could have. If this is the first time that he has exhibited this behavior I might leave it at that. As fickle as teens are being harsh could push him away.

Don't forget that no matter what our children get into if you have given him that foundation he will always stand on that.

blessings to you,
tweet

 

[Tweet]

What do I do Now:

I think you have some excellent advice on what to do about the porn. I want to speak regarding the lying. We live in a time where it is not "cool" for kids to have a normal loving family. Teenagers thrive on drama unfortunately. I don't believe that your son was lying for any other reason than that. Not to say it's okay but that is the reality that our children are living in. When you and your wife talk to him you want to make it clear to him that lying about abuse is not a joke and the repercussions that a lie like that could have. If this is the first time that he has exhibited this behavior I might leave it at that. As fickle as teens are being harsh could push him away.

Don't forget that no matter what our children get into if you have given him that foundation he will always stand on that.

blessings to you,
tweet

 

[okron]

Tweet,
Thanks for the input, I was reading some today about teens and their drama which along with your comments gives me a little more peace about the situation.

Thanks again

 

[indagroove]

I do not have any input as to what your reaction should be. If over all he is good kid, then you should be able to bring him in.

In the past, our 13 yo girl left an AIM window open and it had some nasty crap from someone else in the chat session. Our girl claimed to not really know to person that wrote the offensive content.


I am a computer professional, and she knows I know my stuff. I told my step daughter that I can see everything that goes on the network. So when she uses the computer, she does so knowing there is No privacy. I offered to show her a transscript of her chat.

The thing is, I do not record her chats, but she does not know it. I have a firewall log that is recorded, but I really do not go through it.

I also explained that basically that internet is a public domain, and that she should never expect any data trasnmitted to remain private, because it is not.

I think she got it.


You should let your boy know that for everyones protection in the future, you have authorized 24/7 monitoring by your ISP ( whoever your internet provider is) And you are telling him this as a curtousy, and that he needs to be careful of what his is doing online. It's a good place to start.


We wish you the best.

 

[Vilnius]

The suggestion that your son attend a church group dedicated to sexuality is excellent. In fact, any teen boy should be in it, becuase in our society they can't help but struggle with temptatins to lust. The interplay between arousing images (porn or many ads for that matter) and masturbation will effect his sexuality in a negative way.

Books you may want to read: The Sexual Male, Sex is Not the Problem, Every Young Man's Battle, How Can a Man Control His Thoughts, Desires and Passions?

Check these out and decide which would be good for the group, or if he is not going to attend the group, let him read it on his own.

I have numerous other resources and article I could email you if you would like.

Praise God!

 

[bliz]

Take away the computer. No yelling or scolding, just remove it. He has abused the use of it repeatedly, so, natural consequences, he does not get to use it anymore. That much temptation at the fingertips of a 15 year old is too much for your son - it is for many men, of all ages.

You would not dream of pluning a 10 year old in a room full of candy and tellling him not to eat any of it, and then being disappointed when he did. You set him up for failure. You are setting your 15 year old up for repeated failure. Take the constant temptation away from him.

 

[Vilnius]

Take away the computer. No yelling or scolding, just remove it. He has abused the use of it repeatedly, so, natural consequences, he does not get to use it anymore. That much temptation at the fingertips of a 15 year old is too much for your son - it is for many men, of all ages.

You would not dream of pluning a 10 year old in a room full of candy and tellling him not to eat any of it, and then being disappointed when he did. You set him up for failure. You are setting your 15 year old up for repeated failure. Take the constant temptation away from him.

A good suggestion, and you may want to consider what other ways inappropriate material may be getting into the home.

 

[JoannaJoy]

-

 

[okron]

This forum certainly shows the positive aspects of the internet.... I really appreciate all the input, your comments and my research has eased some (but certainly not all) of my concerns. He has read the book "Every Young Man's Battle" and I believe it did help but that was a year ago and it's probably time to either read it together or get a group of youth together and study it as suggested. We have purchased a desk to allow us to move the computer into the kitchen for less privacy. I know I can take away this and that but what I struggle with is how to change his heart. We can't be everywhere with him especially as he gets his license in six months.

ITS TOUGH BEING A PARENT....of course it's tough being a teen I suppose. I will continue to lift him up in prayer and will continue to cherish you're comments and prayers.

Thanks again

 

[lawtonfogle]

Take away the computer. No yelling or scolding, just remove it. He has abused the use of it repeatedly, so, natural consequences, he does not get to use it anymore. That much temptation at the fingertips of a 15 year old is too much for your son - it is for many men, of all ages.

You would not dream of pluning a 10 year old in a room full of candy and tellling him not to eat any of it, and then being disappointed when he did. You set him up for failure. You are setting your 15 year old up for repeated failure. Take the constant temptation away from him.

Good sugestion, besides for the fact that you would have to throw away the TV, and homeschool, (and saddly), have church services at home. It is one thing to remove the food source, the candy, it is another to remove the hunger. Maybe he can see true porn on the internet, but with the way people dress at school (unless the school requires uniforms) are almost as bad. With TV, even on Toon Disney (much less the teenager shows, there is highly questionable material.

Taking away the computer removes the immediate problem, but at the same time, it does nothing for your son and also will make him mad at you (most likely) and can interfer with research his school may require.

Taking away the computer temperarly is not a bad idea, especially if he is showing signs of addiction. But you cannot leave it at that. Plus, even without the use of a computer, there are ways to bring other inappropriate material in the house.

But if you do decide to take away the computer, make sure you take away MTV (if he watches it) becuase it is terrible.

 

[bliz]

Good sugestion, besides for the fact that you would have to throw away the TV, and homeschool, (and saddly), have church services at home. It is one thing to remove the food source, the candy, it is another to remove the hunger. Maybe he can see true porn on the internet, but with the way people dress at school (unless the school requires uniforms) are almost as bad. With TV, even on Toon Disney (much less the teenager shows, there is highly questionable material.

Taking away the computer removes the immediate problem, but at the same time, it does nothing for your son and also will make him mad at you (most likely) and can interfer with research his school may require.

Taking away the computer temperarly is not a bad idea, especially if he is showing signs of addiction. But you cannot leave it at that. Plus, even without the use of a computer, there are ways to bring other inappropriate material in the house.

But if you do decide to take away the computer, make sure you take away MTV (if he watches it) becuase it is terrible.

I never suggested removing the internet forever and always. But part of the proper use of it is to remain within boundries - eventually self imposed limits, but for the time being, parental boundries. And when the computer returns, it needs to be located in a central place like a fmily room or living room.

Way too many Christians focus on remaining as far away from the world as possible, but that is not very productive or obedient. We have been called to Go and Tell, to be the light in the darkenss. Spending all our time shinning within the light of others is foolish.

I have suggeted a retreat for the time being. And in the meantime, there are these things called books and periodicals and lots of libraries have them and students and scholars have been doing research in them for a very long time.

 

[lawtonfogle]

[/size]

I never suggested removing the internet forever and always. But part of the proper use of it is to remain within boundries - eventually self imposed limits, but for the time being, parental boundries. And when the computer returns, it needs to be located in a central place like a fmily room or living room.

Way too many Christians focus on remaining as far away from the world as possible, but that is not very productive or obedient. We have been called to Go and Tell, to be the light in the darkenss. Spending all our time shinning within the light of others is foolish.

I have suggeted a retreat for the time being. And in the meantime, there are these things called books and periodicals and lots of libraries have them and students and scholars have been doing research in them for a very long time.

It would depend on where they lived if the library was a reasonalbe choice. For me, I lived out in the country (we couldn't even get high speed) and only visited the library once a month. As for the one at school, most anything I looked up I could not find in that one (try finding Quantum Mechanics in a high school library. But then again, I really did not consider him having access to library any time he needs it. Also, a super filter would also be good. One that blocks a little too much. When he needs to get to sight that was blocked only becuase the filter is messed up (like the ones library's once used that blocked Mars Explorer research becuase sex was in the name), he just ask his parents. As long as they get a good code, it will work. You can also get a program that
1. Emails every site he goes to to a email of your choice (like your work).
2. Will tell you when it is turned off (in case he finds away).
(this is a nice trick for the small group).

Sorry about jumping to conclusions about the library.

 

[Vilnius]

This forum certainly shows the positive aspects of the internet.... I really appreciate all the input, your comments and my research has eased some (but certainly not all) of my concerns. He has read the book "Every Young Man's Battle" and I believe it did help but that was a year ago and it's probably time to either read it together or get a group of youth together and study it as suggested. We have purchased a desk to allow us to move the computer into the kitchen for less privacy. I know I can take away this and that but what I struggle with is how to change his heart. We can't be everywhere with him especially as he gets his license in six months.

ITS TOUGH BEING A PARENT....of course it's tough being a teen I suppose. I will continue to lift him up in prayer and will continue to cherish you're comments and prayers.

Thanks again

Moving the computer into an area where he won't be tempted to mis-use it is a very good step. Add something that you can check where he goes on it for those times when you are not around.

"Every Young Man's Battle" is a good book, and I would recommend re-reading it individualy or in a group. The temptation to use porn/masturbation is daily. To counter act that your son must be reading or listening to a Godly message DAILY too. The temptation to lust never goes away, one must always work on self-control. And the first steps are prayer and fleeing temptation.

I am in the midst of starting a purity ministry at our church and I have collected tons of materials I would be happy to share with you or tell you where to buy them. At the very least I recommend that you read "The Sexual Man" by Dr. Hart--available at any online book store. He has chapters called: Teenage Sexuality, Creating a Healthy Sexuality, and Why Male Sexuality Goes Wrong.

Happy to support you any way I can in this challenge.

Praise God