I am not married though I am looking forward to it with my gf. But I see so much in this forum on people leaving each other and just giving up. It breaks my heart to hear of unfaithfulness like this. Does anyone have suggestions or thoughts on how to keep this stuff from happening?!
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CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
What could help?!
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Whitestone
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^^ I second that one.
And get married for the right reasons - don't do it for what you want to get out of it. Do for it what you want to give.
And get married for the right reasons - don't do it for what you want to get out of it. Do for it what you want to give.
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- Oct 23, 2003
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I'd recommend a couple of things. Get an older mentor, read some books like The Five Love Languages, stay pure before marriage, and learn to pray together.
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Manna
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Pre-martial and early-marital counseling of some sort really helps with any communication problems. You hear people say that the first year (or first 5 years) of marriage is the hardest. I believe that's mostly because of communication problems. You're two people with two different lives trying to make one life together, and you run into speedbumps and sometimes road blocks along the way. Speaking with your pastor or even just some sort of an older mentor is a LOT of help!
One thing that I was very strong about (obviously my ex-husband was not!) was the idea that you do NOT leave during a fight. If you get into a fight and storm out of the house, that is just way too symbolic of "leaving". Just simply don't entertain the idea of leaving. If you're in this for the long haul, then stay and work it out!
One thing that I was very strong about (obviously my ex-husband was not!) was the idea that you do NOT leave during a fight. If you get into a fight and storm out of the house, that is just way too symbolic of "leaving". Just simply don't entertain the idea of leaving. If you're in this for the long haul, then stay and work it out!
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karla
Love God, Serve God
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I agree with Manna: Do NOT leave during a fight. If you need ot take a cooling off period that is fine, but never ever go to bed angry. There were some nights, early in our marriage, where we would be up until the wee hours of the morning "discussing" something. Another thing is that we always, hold hands and pray together each night before going to bed. We have done that since our wedding day 6 years ago.
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I suppose the BEST thing to do would be to follow God. Actualy I know it is. I just wonder sometimes cause I see even christians spliting up over unbiblical reasons. It makes no sence to me.
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herev
CL--you are missed!
I strongly recommend that you agree before you get married that you will have a Christian marriage counselor and that either one can request an appointment at any time. Communication is the key, so early on in the marriage, go see the counselor whether you think you need it or not!
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Marry a woman who defers to you as a Godly woman should. Such women are rare and usually wasted on lesser men. However they can be found. Read the last chapter of Proverbs to know what you're looking for, and find it!
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Cherish her more then you can imagine. Don't compare each other to others around you (or models for that matter). Have God lead you and focus on treating each other with respect and love.
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HeatherJay
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Realize that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. EVERY marriage, no matter how perfect the couple appears to be, struggles at some point. Just never let yourself even entertain the thought of divorce...make it a non-option and commit to that decision. My husband and I are proof that a marriage can survive just about anything...and today, after 7 years of marriage, we're stronger and closer to each other than ever. When you come through the darkest times together, the light on the otherside is that much sweeter.
And my two famous pieces of advice :
Falling in love and being in love are two different things...be prepared (a la Dr. Phil)
and
Never stop going out of your way to make each other smile.
And my two famous pieces of advice :
Falling in love and being in love are two different things...be prepared (a la Dr. Phil)
and
Never stop going out of your way to make each other smile.
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invisiblefootprints
My foot is on the ROCK and my name is on the ROLL!
Just remember to put yourselves in each other's place. Always think of how the other one feels & consider what impact the things you are doing/saying are going to have on the other one. Remember, what you do & say can't be taken back later. It's a two way street & both of you have to obey the traffic laws. Respect each other's feelings. Also, when you get married, you aren't just standing in church making promises to each other, you are making a promise to God.
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These are good advice. Keep them coming. I just think maybe people dont spend enough time preventing disaster as they do dealing with it.
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cutekid 4 Jesus
Regular Member
Yeh well if he is not a Godly man there could still be a marriage breakup because I for one will be a godly wife but wont stand for adultery.desi said:
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i am happy that you are realizing the fragile state of marriages in our society today, and that you want to stay true to your vows.
1. i think the one single best thing you can both do is absolutely positively do not ever consider divorce an option (well, assuming you are both faithful to each other). i mean, don't even consider throwing in the towel just because you're not feeling in love anymore, or s/he doesn't make you happy anymore, or you didn't realize how selfish that person could be, or whatever else.
2. be aware that it is very normal and common to go through rough times. i have been married 20 years, and the last few years have been the greatest! we went through some horrible years, especially around 6-10 years, times when i was sure i hated my husband, we treated each other just awful, and perpetuated each other's nastiness. thankfully, through some excellent biblical counseling, we worked through things, and in fact, just tonight i told my husband "i'm so glad we made it through the hard years, because we would have missed out on how wonderful our marriage is now."
3. remember that loving someone is something you choose to do, not always something you feel like doing. (i thought i understood that before i got married, but i didn't have a clue). if you can each continue to act in a loving, respectful, kind manner to each other, even when you don't feel particularly "in love" for a period of time, (which as i said, is common) you will both eventually respond to the other's actions of love, and the feelings of love will come back.
4. you just simply cannot be selfish in a marriage. if you get focused on yourself, and she gets focused on herself, then you both end up feeling neglected and unloved. (even though you may both be getting whatever it is you selfishly wanted.) but, if you focus on her, and she focuses on you, then you're both still getting your needs focused on, but in a way that makes you both feel loved, rather than feeling like you're married to a selfish brat.
btw, i feel like i didn't explain that last one very well. i remember a time when one of my boys was asking me about the bible verse that talks about "do not look out only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others" and the one about "regard others more highly than yourself." my son wanted to know why everyone couldn't just look out for their own needs and interests, and wouldn't it end up balancing out the same? so i tried to explain to him that if he always did what he wanted, and his brother always did what his brother wanted, yes, it would balance out the same as if each of them tried to generally do what the other wanted to do. but the first way is based on selfishness, and the 2nd way is based on love.
i do hope that makes sense---a little hard to explain.
1. i think the one single best thing you can both do is absolutely positively do not ever consider divorce an option (well, assuming you are both faithful to each other). i mean, don't even consider throwing in the towel just because you're not feeling in love anymore, or s/he doesn't make you happy anymore, or you didn't realize how selfish that person could be, or whatever else.
2. be aware that it is very normal and common to go through rough times. i have been married 20 years, and the last few years have been the greatest! we went through some horrible years, especially around 6-10 years, times when i was sure i hated my husband, we treated each other just awful, and perpetuated each other's nastiness. thankfully, through some excellent biblical counseling, we worked through things, and in fact, just tonight i told my husband "i'm so glad we made it through the hard years, because we would have missed out on how wonderful our marriage is now."
3. remember that loving someone is something you choose to do, not always something you feel like doing. (i thought i understood that before i got married, but i didn't have a clue). if you can each continue to act in a loving, respectful, kind manner to each other, even when you don't feel particularly "in love" for a period of time, (which as i said, is common) you will both eventually respond to the other's actions of love, and the feelings of love will come back.
4. you just simply cannot be selfish in a marriage. if you get focused on yourself, and she gets focused on herself, then you both end up feeling neglected and unloved. (even though you may both be getting whatever it is you selfishly wanted.) but, if you focus on her, and she focuses on you, then you're both still getting your needs focused on, but in a way that makes you both feel loved, rather than feeling like you're married to a selfish brat.
btw, i feel like i didn't explain that last one very well. i remember a time when one of my boys was asking me about the bible verse that talks about "do not look out only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others" and the one about "regard others more highly than yourself." my son wanted to know why everyone couldn't just look out for their own needs and interests, and wouldn't it end up balancing out the same? so i tried to explain to him that if he always did what he wanted, and his brother always did what his brother wanted, yes, it would balance out the same as if each of them tried to generally do what the other wanted to do. but the first way is based on selfishness, and the 2nd way is based on love.
i do hope that makes sense---a little hard to explain.
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It did actualy make sence. Thats how I feel with my gf. When I focus on her she says she feels spoiled. And when she focuses on me I feel the same. I know if we focused on ourselves we would feel like "yes the needs are met, but not by each other".
I think those are some VERY good points. Please let me know if there is anymore.
I think those are some VERY good points. Please let me know if there is anymore.
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oh good, i'm glad it made sense. i think a lot of times relationships start out that way because it's fun and exciting to treat each other so special, but through the years, the self-centeredness creeps in. it sounds like you really understand the principle, and if you continue to practice it, your marriage will likely stay strong and happy!looksgood said:
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I believe it honestly takes WORKING at not being selfish. I do know that as time goes by people get used to each other. That is one thing I think may be a problem. Not that it is bad, but I think people take each other for granted. Any advice on how to minimise that? Other than the dreaded "separate vacations" which I think is a horible idea.kayanne said:
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