What constitutes adultery?

[hillygirl]

I would like to clarify a few things. What constitutes adultery? What constitutes abuse in marriage? I am a newbie here but have read enough to know the variety of views exist in regard to divorce so I am not looking for advice regarding it. Just opinions about the above.

 

[DaveKerwin]

I do suppose it is circumstancial if it was not actual intercourse. If there was sexual intercourse, then it was definitely an affair. Personally, I consider stuff like oral sex, or sexual fondeling to be an affair. Kissing could be considered an affair I suppose. Some people consider a long pattern of pornography to be adultery.

Abuse in marriage could, again, be anything, depending on how it was done, and to what degree it was done.

So please share the exact situation, so that you can get an exact answer.

 

[hillygirl]

And whatever happens I know as Paul wrote to the Corinthians that the Lord has said to me "My grace is suffiecient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."(NIV)

 

[Blessed75]

Sorry, if it were me - and it's not but if it were - the abuse you have endured wouldn't have gone on that long. He is emotionally, mentally if not physically abusing you. He's exposing you to STD's and God only knows what. Sounds to me as if you have been there and done that with counselling - what's gonna make this time any different? WHY IS THIS TIME DIFFERENT? I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh but you don't deserve this. You have been a good wife, good mother and been through hell and sounds to me as if you're still there. In my opinion, I cannot believe that God would want you to stay in such an abusive marriage. Of course he agreed to counselling, he knows he's once again pushed too far. This is a joke to him, he'll just repeat the behavior. Let me ask you a question - how does he make you feel? Do you feel respected as a person? Are your physical and emotional needs being met? Do you feel appreciated and not taken for granted? Does he support you emotionally? Can you trust him? Are you the one he blames when there is a problem in the marriage? Does he get angry when you disagree with him? Does he try to make you feel sorry for him? Hillygirl - You have the right to be treated with respect. You have the right to get angry, you have the right to say no and you have the right to GET OUT. You do not need this. He is abusive. One day he burns down the house - the next day it could be you. GET OUT. If you need advice, please pm me. I'll have you in my prayers........may God be with you and may His heavenly angels protect you and your kids........

 

[DaveKerwin]

technically, you are able to divorce him because of marital unfaithfulness. he has most definitely committed adultery. So let me ask you this:

1. Why would you say with him?
2. Why would you divorce him?

 

[katelyn]

Is the counseling in process or so far just an idea? If you haven't started it yet, it would be a good idea to make it a reality rather than just a promise from him, since he has proven himself not trustworthy.

If the counseling doesn't occur soon, get a legal separation and move out. You need to protect yourself and your children. If you don't want to jump to a divorce, still get the separation and give him a list of things that needs to happen before you will come back, (AA if alcohol is involved, seeing a counselor together and being able to see some tangible changes in him, maybe some anger management for him...) and stick to the list!!!

I am worried for you...someone very close to me has been going through a similar situation in her marriage for thirteen years now...she has left him several times, but she always goes back before he changes. That's why I emphasize that you stick to the list of things that need to happen. I know that it will be hard to leave, but if you lean heavily on Jesus, he will support you through this time! My prayers are with you!

 

[snoopy2]

hillygirl,

you really have to be commended for the way you have honoured God in your situation. I would definitely say that you have just cause for divorce biblically speaking, but I think the way you have stuck with it and not just thrown the towel in is absolutely humbling. However, you really do need to think about the effect of your husband's abuse on your children as well as yourself, so even if you don't want to go to the extent of a divorce, maybe separation would be the answer until you can know if he is truly going to change.

Your family are in my prayers,
Snoopy

 

[E-beth]

hillygirl,

you are not alone. Not only is our Father with you, but so many sisters have gone through it.

It sounds like your husband might have sexual addiction issues and is carrying around guilt because of it. Which he takes out on you.

I have more to say but I will reserve it to a PM.

 

[LN]

What constitutes adultery?

To me, even a kiss is adultery. I'm not sure if kissing someone else is divorce-worthy but its defiantely adultery. Anything beyond that would make me question the future of my marriage.

What constitutes abuse in marriage?

Emotional abuse - afflicting emotional pain with words, making you feel like you are nothing without your spouse, purposefully decreasing your self worth verbally, not "allowing" you to do things with your friends and family

Physical - purposely causing physical pain to you of any kind on you at any time

 

[Blessed75]

i'm sorry, i've re-read the things you've posted and I am just literally shaking with anger. What he's doing to you is ABUSIVE. Has he hit you? yet? Please, it sounds to me that from you've said this has been going on for years. You can pray till the cows come home but if he's not willing to have an open heart and truly do the right Godly thing by you - then he needs to go. I've had you on my mind today and my heart really hurts for you. I pray that God leads you in the right direction. I pray that you hear Him.

 

[Svt4Him]

If this is true, then yes, it's adultery. And Biblically, you can get a divorce. I would.

 

[hillygirl]

Thank you for you answers. You know its funny I did not even think of there being a a biblical out in my marriage, somehow I had overlooked the adultery. To know there is and "out" so to speak does not however leave me feeling vindicated just sad. If anyone has been in this situation and committed so much of their heart and lives to doing their best in such a situation they will know how hard it is to leave (maybe its pride). I think it may be a process and that God has slowly been revealing to me the way to move forward at a pace I can take. Thanks be to Him. I still have hope though. Someone please pass the kleenex.

 

[Blessed75]

Thank you for you answers. You know its funny I did not even think of there being a a biblical out in my marriage, somehow I had overlooked the adultery. To know there is and "out" so to speak does not however leave me feeling vindicated just sad. If anyone has been in this situation and committed so much of their heart and lives to doing their best in such a situation they will know how hard it is to leave (maybe its pride). I think it may be a process and that God has slowly been revealing to me the way to move forward at a pace I can take. Thanks be to Him. I still have hope though. Someone please pass the kleenex.

You know, I wish there was something that I could say to make this easier for you, but I know I can't. I will pray for you tonight. I've had you heavy on my heart and really wish you would just get out. I know that's easier said than done though. Hilly, you will reach a point though when enough will be enough for you - I just hope that it hasn't destroyed you physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally before that time comes. Please know that people do care and have been in your situation. Anytime you need to talk, vent or just need a friend please, pm me. May God's guardian angels protect you and your children. Your friend in Christ........

 

[Svt4Him]

Thank you for you answers. You know its funny I did not even think of there being a a biblical out in my marriage, somehow I had overlooked the adultery. To know there is and "out" so to speak does not however leave me feeling vindicated just sad. If anyone has been in this situation and committed so much of their heart and lives to doing their best in such a situation they will know how hard it is to leave (maybe its pride). I think it may be a process and that God has slowly been revealing to me the way to move forward at a pace I can take. Thanks be to Him. I still have hope though. Someone please pass the kleenex.

It's the hardest thing to go through. And it shouldn't feel like vindication, otherwise the motive is wrong. I am sorry for you, and would say it'll get easier with time, but it's only once you're through it that you'll agree.

 

[Bevlina]

Oh Hilly...your post saddened me. A sweet honest creature like yourself deserves happiness. If you stay with this man, what will you achieve. If you leave...what will you achieve? Happiness which you deserve. Happiness which your children deserve.
I stand beside the words of Blessed75 in this matter.
If he is burning your Bibles...that is rage in his heart. He just wants to hurt, hurt, hurt.
And, I don't believe our Father wants to see any of His Children treated in this manner.
You are one of His Children.
Get out and live love.

 

[samwise1971]

You're a stronger person than I. Total props to ya. To me adultery is one of the only things i would never forgive, and would most deffinately lead to divorce. By adultry i mean any physical lustfull act. An honest caring hug or a peck on the cheek is fine, then again who can say what the intent is untill actual kissing or intercourse happens. By forgive of course i mean my wife or myself. Just as I could never forgive her, I could also never forgive myself should I stray. Fortunately for us God is the ultimate judge and we can go to him whenever we need to. Then again, my marriage isn't going in an upwardly mobile direction either, so advise is not given only opinion as you requested. I will pray for you though.

 

[SirKenin]

I would like to clarify a few things. What constitutes adultery? What constitutes abuse in marriage? I am a newbie here but have read enough to know the variety of views exist in regard to divorce so I am not looking for advice regarding it. Just opinions about the above.

Adultery can happen in the heart. My ex-wife carried on a love affair over the internet for some time (I only found out after she left and I began to read the logs). I printed out pages and pages of stuff for the courts. It had started off innocently enough, playing Yahoo games.. Then she met someone whom she regularly played with, started talking to him, and apparently fell in love with him. Without even seeing him she planned with him to leave me and move to Michigan to be with him. Wierd.

Anyways, what I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be a physical action to be adultery. The Bible says that if you even look at someone with lust in your heart you have committed adultery..

I don't know how you can trust him anymore. You are much stronger than me. I would never be able to believe anything he said, or know that I was safe. If it was me in your shoes, I would leave... You would be biblically justified in doing so, if that's what you chose to do. What a sad state of affairs to be certain.. I wish you the best.