Hi all. I haven't visited here for ages. I've been struggling a lot with my faith for about 5 years now. It's taken me this long just to get over a lot of hatred and anger (towards Christians and Christianity).
Of course I haven't been in fellowship all this time. And I've been thinking about what is really stopping me from doing so.
The burning image in my mind is of a number of different church people that really hurt and abused me. And I know this may sound silly, but when I think of returning to fellowship, I think of myself being "on the same side again" as those people.
At the moment, I take a bit of comfort that I am not with those people in mind or spirit. I shudder at the thought of having any common bond with them, of being a "brother" with them. I am happy of being out of fellowship with them in terms of belief, practice, philosophy etc. When I think of those people, I want nothing ever to do with them, and part of me says that I don't want to be on their same side. Like I say, I feel down and depressed at the thought of rejoining them again.
And another part of me just enjoys my freedom away from fellowship, and any obligation and duty. I served in my old church for many years, and it is great not to have to be obligated. I can do what I want on any day, I am not committed of my time on Sunday, I am not committed for any activity, like home groups, music practice etc. After 5 years, it is really difficult to get the urge to put yourself into committment. Part of me wants to, part of me says now that I am free, why enslave myself again? I was told off by my pastors at the end of my last church and called a "non member" despite all that I had given and served. It is very difficult to think of serving when the image in my mind is one of ingratitude. The whole church attending, giving, serving thing is not a joy: it's in my mind a burden that I think somehow God "expects" but I'm not really looking forward to. I just think the same thing will happen again.
So these are 2 big draw backs I have at the moment. But especially the first one I mentioned. I just really hate the thought of becoming again a churchy religous person, part of me wants nothing to do with those types, and so I want no association with them. Let alone join in with them and be one of them again. And part of me thinks this is what God "expects". Again, I see it as an obligation and not a joy. Something you have to do but you don't enjoy it. Like washing the car.
Let me know if this makes no sense to you.
Of course I haven't been in fellowship all this time. And I've been thinking about what is really stopping me from doing so.
The burning image in my mind is of a number of different church people that really hurt and abused me. And I know this may sound silly, but when I think of returning to fellowship, I think of myself being "on the same side again" as those people.
At the moment, I take a bit of comfort that I am not with those people in mind or spirit. I shudder at the thought of having any common bond with them, of being a "brother" with them. I am happy of being out of fellowship with them in terms of belief, practice, philosophy etc. When I think of those people, I want nothing ever to do with them, and part of me says that I don't want to be on their same side. Like I say, I feel down and depressed at the thought of rejoining them again.
And another part of me just enjoys my freedom away from fellowship, and any obligation and duty. I served in my old church for many years, and it is great not to have to be obligated. I can do what I want on any day, I am not committed of my time on Sunday, I am not committed for any activity, like home groups, music practice etc. After 5 years, it is really difficult to get the urge to put yourself into committment. Part of me wants to, part of me says now that I am free, why enslave myself again? I was told off by my pastors at the end of my last church and called a "non member" despite all that I had given and served. It is very difficult to think of serving when the image in my mind is one of ingratitude. The whole church attending, giving, serving thing is not a joy: it's in my mind a burden that I think somehow God "expects" but I'm not really looking forward to. I just think the same thing will happen again.
So these are 2 big draw backs I have at the moment. But especially the first one I mentioned. I just really hate the thought of becoming again a churchy religous person, part of me wants nothing to do with those types, and so I want no association with them. Let alone join in with them and be one of them again. And part of me thinks this is what God "expects". Again, I see it as an obligation and not a joy. Something you have to do but you don't enjoy it. Like washing the car.
Let me know if this makes no sense to you.
