What are your thoughts?

[SoFarAway]

Hi everyone. I was just curious what your thoughts were about some daring stuff. Recently, a guy came into my life. We've known each other for about a month or so. We instantly connected but I never thought much of a dating prospect because he was married. Come to find out, he asked his wife for a divorce. It was apparently heading that way before I met him. His wife moved out and took all her things, so from all aspects, he's ligitimately getting divorced.
He has made it clear that he is interested in me and I have admitted my own interest. So I guess what I'm here to ask is, what are your opinions about getting involves with a man who is getting divorced? Separated but getting divorced. I don't know how to feel. For me, this would be my first serious relationship. I've had several prospects and this is truly the only one that I've seen ever working out. So it's hard for me to pass it up. Not that I can't if I decide that's right. But I also recognize that he's married even though separated.
I spoke with my mom a little about this 'separated but married' situation. She was in the process of getting divorced from her first husband before I was born. But while she was in the process, she was dating my dad. So when I approached her about it yesterday (thinking she'd understand) she basically condemned what I was doing. So I guess now I don't know what I'm doing. Part of me wants to pursue the relationship but part of me is reluctant solely based upon the ethical and moral foundations of marriage.
Any insight would greatly help me!

 

[Sadiegrl]

Ya that can be tricky...and each person is completely different...

So some questions you may want to ask yourself that hopefully are important to you...

Is he a Christian?
What are his priorities in life?
Is he interested merely physically...how do you know each other?

Definitely pray about it and seek His peace on the matter. I dont know if you know why they are getting divorced...was there cheating involved? These are things worthy of considering even talking about.

The wife probably wont be too happy to know he's already with someone else...and would she overreact? The last thing you want is an ex on a jealous rage coming after you.

Spend time getting to know him well before jumping into anything too intimate and bring God into the relationship. If he's uncomfortable with that, then it isnt right for you.

Tough situation hun. Stay close to Jesus and do what seems best (after praying and serious thinking) and trust Him to take care of the rest.

 

[nill]

How about, "Why is he getting divorced?" Marriage vows are not taken lightly, so his willingness to "date while married"---even if the relationship has been damaged---is suspect. At the very least, I'd suggest not having anything to do with him until God has either healed their marriage or providentially allowed it to dissolve. After that time... well... depends upon his character, made especially apparent through a divorce.

 

[SoFarAway]

Thank you guys for replying. I think you've both made good points. Specifically, where is God in all this. And my answer to that is, I don't know. Which must mean He's not there and that's a problem for me. As much as I want this to work out, I don't forsee it continuing. I won't choose a relationship over God. I just struggle with being so opposite with how the world is in their values of love etc. I just haven't met the right person yet I suppose.
True love waits right? I truly believe that, I just needed a reminder.

 

[Satine]

Hi SoFarAway,

My answer to this would not be a personal opinion, but an observation that I hope might be helpful. I've heard of situations like this before. Unless I'm mistaken - and please say so if I am - he is the one telling you about the wife's reaction to all of this. That is, although you might be very keen to accept everything he says (understandably), there is potential wiggle room that not everything he says is absolutely true.

What I'm getting at is that the emotional connection between his wife and he may not be as severed as you may believe. It may also be that a divorce is not going ahead, just a separation.

I realise that I'm saying something here potentially very offensive. That is not my intention. What I'm saying is that it might be a good idea to see the divorce go ahead before getting too involved with him.

From a moral perspective, myself, I don't see any problem with coupling-up with someone who no longer feels a current romantic relationship is happening with their partner. I'd just recommend you make sure you know what is happening with their marriage. His word alone may not be the best source of this information.

Overall, good luck with the situation and I wish you the best.

 

[SoFarAway]

Thanks for your reply Satine.
Nothing you said was the last bit offensive. It's just reality. Everything you said has validity. And you're right, I recognize that it's possible an emotional connection still exists. I know it does for his wife.
A few people have said, well why is he getting divorced and are those reasons valid. And my answer to that is, it's not really any of my business or concern. Not my divorce. I don't want to get involved in terms of opinions. I don't know. I'm treading very lightly at this point.

 

[explodingboy]

From a moral perspective, myself, I don't see any problem with coupling-up with someone who no longer feels a current romantic relationship is happening with their partner. I'd just recommend you make sure you know what is happening with their marriage. His word alone may not be the best source of this information.

I'd disagree with this, a marriage is a marriage at the end of the day.

They made very specific vows to an individual, and I personally feel it is our duty to do what we can to ensure they keep them. If they still persist that divorce is the only option then they should bloody well get it over and done with rather than mess around in a limbo state.

(I'd also like to further say that I'd never date anyone that has got divorced due to "growing apart" as it is a stupid reason, and a great indicator of an imature personality)

 

[mahlalie]

A few people have said, well why is he getting divorced and are those reasons valid. And my answer to that is, it's not really any of my business or concern. Not my divorce. I don't want to get involved in terms of opinions. I don't know. I'm treading very lightly at this point.

If you are considering pursuing a relationship, I'm going to have to completely disagree with you. That's very important stuff to know if you really want to know the guy. I'd be suspicious of any person who is wanting to date someone else while married, even if it appears to be an ending marriage. If he's just a friend, it's up to him if he wants to tell. If he's interested romantically, yeah, that's something worth knowing.

That said, I realize you expressed doubt that you will pursue this relationship. Still, the premise of romantic interest would completely validate any curiosity of the reasons for divorce, in my opinion.

 

[elenore]

A girl who has never been in a serious relationship and a guy who isn't even divorced yet but expressing serious interest.

Sounds like a bit of a yawning pit to me.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you can't find God in this relationship. If he's absent, it's for a reason. Trust your instincts and values. Sometimes they're the only things that will save you (when it really boils down to it.)

 

[SoFarAway]

You're very right elenore. I've decided to not go ahead with anything else. Would have been nice, but like you said, instincts are key and too many red flags went up for me. Something good will come I'm time. The time just isn't now. I've actually been very blessed to be able to work on some of my own personal issues, so maybe this was Gods way of saying, "not just yet"

Thanks to everyone who helped and put in their advice! It was greatly appreciated!!!

 

[ShadowsChild]

Man, you have no idea how happy I was to hear you didn't persue the relationship
(I really gotta start reading the rest of the threads before going off and replying!)

I know it may suck and hurt a little now but there is nothing that says once things have calmed down you can't be friends with him. Despite what many people tell me, I believe that guys and gals CAN be friends without being romanically involved - you just have to be mindful.