What are appropriate expectations?

[Eccp19]

Hey guys, I am not totally ignorant on what I am about to ask, but I do want to hear wisdom from other brothers and sisters.

Heres my situation: Me and my best friend entered into a romantic relationship a couple of weeks ago. I am soon to be 19 and she is soon to be 18. I am her first boyfriend, and she is my fourth girlfriend. From past experience, I know that relationships didn't work out for me mostly because of personality differences and different expectations. But I really like this girl and I want to know how I can keep our young relationship as healthy as possible. We are both Christians and encourage eachother daily in our walks.

 

[dig_for_christ]

well im not gonna tell you what your expectations should be. but i would like to share one thing with you. in church a few weekends ago, we talked about helping relationships stay strong, and being upfront with eachother. if you want your relationship to be honest, and if you want to enjoy your relationship even more, here is something you could start out with.. or wait a while to do it, whatever you choose. write down 3 character traits for the other person that you absolutely enjoy about them, and tell them why. also, write down 3 things they could work on which might improve your relationship with them. then give them the paper, let them read it, and talk about it if you want. help eachother to understand things you could change, and encourage them while they are trying to adapt. me and my boyfriend will try it out this week (well he doesnt know it yet). if you choose to do this, feel free to tell me how it goes.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Get to know each other. Ask a lot of questions about each other...and I do mean a LOT.

I also recommend both of you take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, if you do not already know what your MBTI types are. You may think I'm just an overzealous psych student but I promise you, it provides a ton of information about you and how you relate. The introvert/extrovert part of it, too, is quite important..... I recommend you know each other's preferences (I or E) and discuss how to make the best of them. It is easiest if you both are the same type (at least in my opinion), but I have seen introverts and extroverts work well together in relationships too. The S/N factor is the most important, I would say. It would be easiest by far if you are the same in regards to the S vs. N preference.

Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey, is another good book that explains the four basic temperaments according to Keirsey's theory.... and understanding how the four temperaments differ and how they work in relationships is absolutely huge. It explains a ton about why certain couples work and others do not.

Anyhow, I know this is a bunch of theoretical ramblings but I honestly believe it to be very helpful in relationships. PM me if you have any questions. Hope I haven't bored you too much

blessings
kayli
21/F/INTJ

 

[InTheFlame]

Read books about relationships - and talk to older married christians whose marriages you admire!

As far as books go, Boundaries in Dating (Cloud and Townsend) is a great start. Hubby and I read this together and talked over each chapter while we were 'dating' ... very useful.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Get to know each other. Ask a lot of questions about each other...and I do mean a LOT.

I also recommend both of you take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, if you do not already know what your MBTI types are. You may think I'm just an overzealous psych student but I promise you, it provides a ton of information about you and how you relate. The introvert/extrovert part of it, too, is quite important..... I recommend you know each other's preferences (I or E) and discuss how to make the best of them. It is easiest if you both are the same type (at least in my opinion), but I have seen introverts and extroverts work well together in relationships too. The S/N factor is the most important, I would say. It would be easiest by far if you are the same in regards to the S vs. N preference.

MBTI is an excellent tool, but if you use it, understand what it says. Really look into what the four areas mean - you may interpret introvert and extrovert in a different way from what the test is really saying.

As for expectations, here's what you NEED to expect in a serious and long-lasting relationship: 1)you will argue about things, at times very seriously; 2)you will be angry with each other; 3)you will be disappointed; 4)you will get jealous; 5)there will be times when the choice to love the other is not the choice you want to make, but will make it anyway.

Am I trying to drag you down or depress you? No. But if you're expecting any one of the five things I mentioned above to not happen, you're dead wrong, and your relationship will crash as soon as you run into them. Love is a constant choice. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not.

I'm not saying that you have to love this girl and marry her, but that should be the point of the relationship. Some things - disappointment, jealousy - will go away with time. The rest you just need to deal with as they come up and go on with life.

 

[halifaxhoney]

Just keep your expectations low and positive! I don't mean keep them low not to make an effort but it's the beginning. Don't dwell on it because it will just stress the both of you out and keep encouraging each other in your walk.

 

[Carri20]

Just keep making memories. Even if you don't have a lot of money to spend, a simple hike in the woods can be very memorable. One of my favorite "couples" activities is taking tests together at tickle.com. They're fun and they can tell you a lot about each other. But everyone's different, so try to find out what her interests are and make some memories around them.

 

[plum]

As for expectations, here's what you NEED to expect in a serious and long-lasting relationship: 1)you will argue about things, at times very seriously; 2)you will be angry with each other; 3)you will be disappointed; 4)you will get jealous; 5)there will be times when the choice to love the other is not the choice you want to make, but will make it anyway.

amen! realistic living means knowing the good AND bad will come and no relationship is exempt