We'll Never Have a Baby

[katautumn]

Hi everyone. I'm usually not one to open up and share my struggles online, but since I don't feel as if this is something I can openly discuss with my friends or family, I will hide behind the cloak of anonyminity and share it here.

I had always said I didn't want children, but I was [unexpectedly] blessed with a son at the age of twenty-one. He's precious and I can't imagine my life without him. His "father" (I use that term loosely) and I split up before he turned a year old and I have sole custody of our son. It hasn't always been easy, but we've made it through somehow. I have been with my fiance for a year and a half. He is sixteen years older than I and has an eight year old son from his previous marriage whom his ex-wife has sole custody of. They live in another state, so he only gets to see his son about four times a year.

My fiance had a vasectomy back in March, stating (adamantly) that he did not want to father any more children. It's understandable, especially at his age. After all, it must be difficult for a man in his early forties to imagine having a child later in life. At first, I was thrilled with his decision because even though I love my son to death, I did not want any more children myself.

But then, just this past week it dawned on me...even if my feelings changed it is physically impossible for us to have a child together. Suddenly I felt very depressed, but for the wrong reasons. It isn't so much about wanting another child. I'm angry because I feel robbed of being able to share the experience with the love of my life. My ex-husband was terribly emotionally abusive toward me and wasn't very supportive during my whole pregnancy and childbirth experience. I went to almost all of my prenatal doctor's visits alone. He wasn't even there with me when I first heard my son's heartbeat, my grandmother was. I felt very alone and very unloved during a time when a woman is very emotionally needy and vulnerable.

I'm also angry because my fiance wanted to have a child with his ex, but doesn't want one with me and couldn't have one with me even if he wanted to. His ex-wife was so cold hearted, much like my ex-husband and yet my fiance reveled in her carrying his child and the birth of their son. I'm beginning to feel this disgusting resentment toward her and him.

I'm beginning to feel so upset every time I see a couple with a baby. I even had a dream last night that my fiance and I were execting a baby and he was so loving and attentive, but later in the pregnancy the baby died. I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

I'm not sure what sort of advice or words of encouragement I'm seeking here. This isn't so much "baby fever" as it is this pathetic jealousy and anger over a really trivial thing. My fiance has asked me many times what is on my mind and I can't bring myself to tell him. I don't wish to burden him with it. I am beginning to believe if neither one of us had children with our previous spouses any of this would be an issue. I would have been content if it were just he and I, but I feel as if I need to compete with his ex for the "prize" of getting to have his child. I feel like such a jerk.

 

[JacobsDream]

Don't worry about posting your struggles, we've all got them. I don't know how your religion suggests you go about it but I'm not gonna preach to you either.

Competing with his ex could lead you to make more despreate and potentially regretable things. Your goal is to get the best out of your your relationship. Don't succumb to those negative emotions as you've got more than enough to deal with as it is.

Life deals us all bad hands but its how we handle it that makes all the difference.

He is not able to have kids now (even though he didn't want to when he could) so you have to forgive and forget. Its tough, but you are doing it for your son and for him. Don't try to fix yesterday 'cos you'll get caught up doing that forever.

God gave you a son (Please pardon my using God, don't know if that applies to your beliefs) some women have none all their lives. Not saying for you to settle for less but take it in stride. If he's gonna be your husband, he's your son's father and his kids are yours, even though its from a different marriage. I know its "different" but that makes the marriage. Its not just friendship now.

 

[katautumn]

JacobsDream, thank you for your kind words. I am blessed to have my son and my fiance. They have both shown me that there is love and goodness in this crazy world. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I need to forgive. Not only my fiance, but also my ex-husband. I think as a woman I tend to have these romantic, sappy idealistic fantasies about how a husband should be with his wife when she's pregnant and I feel as if I completely missed the boat on that one with my ex. Even still, I can't change my past nor the past of my husband-to-be. He's a wonderful man and he has really been a tremendous support to me during other struggles in my life. Not to launch into another sob story about things totally unrelated, but I was raped two years ago (something I still struggle with from time to time) and I'm overcoming Anorexia Nervosa and my fiance has been there for me every step of the way.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself for not having the love and support from my ex-husband during my pregnancy, I should feel blessed that I have a lifetime of love and support all the way around from the man who is the love of my life, second only to my little dude

Thank you, again, for your advice and kind words. You don't know how grateful I am that you took the time to read my post and respond.

 

[JacobsDream]

Instead of feeling sorry for myself for not having the love and support from my ex-husband during my pregnancy, I should feel blessed that I have a lifetime of love and support all the way around from the man who is the love of my life, second only to my little dude

Thats a huge step for you, you have no idea.

 

[JacobsDream]

Praying for your family and for emotional and physical healing from struggles, past and present.

 

[Annoula]

i can't say much...but i have a case in my family where the couple divorced with 2 children. now the mother got married again - because she got pregnant - and i have the feeling that she has forced a stranger and a new baby in the life of her 2 other children.

maybe in these modern times of ours such things are very often and are considered "normal", but i feel there is pain and hurt in at least one of the kids (whom i am more close to).

i don't know if this is of any help, but i think your child will be better with no other sisters of brothers from a different father.

i hope i don't sound harsh or anything...

 

[JacobsDream]

i don't know if this is of any help, but i think your child will be better with no other sisters of brothers from a different father.

I understand your point.

The circumstances surrounding the marry and re-marry determine the happiness of the kids. Now in your case, she got married again because, like you said, she got pregnant. That wasnt planned from the way you sounded. Now her kids from the previous marriage have to deal with that.
Is there a way out for your friend with her real mom but not biological dad, ofcourse. She either continues to try to change what has happened (which is not possible, and the unhappiness persists) or takes it in stride (its tough, yes).

I haven't had a relationship with my dad for about six years now. He pretty much abandoned me for loving Jesus but you can't tell by listening to me.

Psalm 27:10"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up."

I got a point where I had to accept my situation and accept the word of God for me as stated above.
We can still overcome adversity by the grace of God.

 

[Anti Existance]

I don't think there would be much robbed for you if you would find a 'donor'. If he agrees on you having another child that is.

 

[WashedClean]

Maybe I'm just ignorant (which is highly possible ) but I thought vasectomies can sometimes be reversed???

Of course, you would still have the problem of changing your fiance's mind, but maybe when he sees how strong your desire is, he would. Don't forget, he made that decision before he met you.

Wishing you the best in your situation....

 

[TruthSetsYouFree]

(Sorry this is off topic, but I can't help but to share an awesome testimony!)

Maybe I'm just ignorant (which is highly possible ) but I thought vasectomies can sometimes be reversed???

I think of how I am a living miracle... my dad had a vasectomy, and my youngest sister went to God in prayer and asked for a brother. My dad said to himself, "no way... that just isn't gonna happen!"

Well... 9 months later... I came as a 100% miracle into this world!!

My dad went back to the doctor who did the operation... he found the two tubes that were cut off alright... God perfectly aligned them back up, and they grew back together... NOT ONLY THAT, but they were both STILL tied off at each side (or end), and there was a VERY healthy flow of sperm flowing through the tied shut tubes!!!

Now.. when my dad asked the doctor what this was all about... the doctor simply pointed to the sky...

Just had to share that with you guys!!

Bobby

 

[JacobsDream]

Thats awesome. Even the doctor gave God the glory, how often do you see that?

 

[WashedClean]

Yes, awesome testimony! Praise God!! He has a purpose for you and everyone.

But I still wonder, medically speaking, can vasectomies be reversed? I think they can, but not 100% of the time...

 

[TruthSetsYouFree]

But I still wonder, medically speaking, can vasectomies be reversed? I think they can, but not 100% of the time...

Yes, you are right. They can be reversed. I'm not sure if they are always 100% perfect or effective, but I'm sure they are pretty close. At least that's what I've heard.

(Sorry, I should have answered earlier )

 

[katautumn]

The chance of conceiving post-reversal is 30%. Taking into consideration that my fiance had a low sperm count before his vasectomy and I only have one functioning ovary, it would take a miracle.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this thread. I appreciate everyone's kind sentiments. I am feeling at peace now. I finally opened up and completely shared my feelings with J. He held me and at one point even got a bit choked up. He told me that he wasn't "in love" with his ex-wife the way he is with me. She was a vessel from which his son came. He compared it to his son coming in on an airplane. He loves his son, but not the vessel he came in. He also confessed he now regrets getting the vasectomy. He said, "at my age" (he's 41) "I never anticipated falling in love and getting married, but then you came along. I really wish we could have a child together." I apologized to him if my feelings made him feel guilty, ashamed or sad. He told me no, and that I should always speak up and share my hurts with him. He told me that this has been a burden he has been keeping to himself as well. I feel better now that I know he shares my sorrow and my acceptance of the situation. It gives me tremendous peace to know that if we could get pregnant, he would want to have a child with me.

 

[WashedClean]

The chance of conceiving post-reversal is 30%. Taking into consideration that my fiance had a low sperm count before his vasectomy and I only have one functioning ovary, it would take a miracle.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to this thread. I appreciate everyone's kind sentiments. I am feeling at peace now. I finally opened up and completely shared my feelings with J. He held me and at one point even got a bit choked up. He told me that he wasn't "in love" with his ex-wife the way he is with me. She was a vessel from which his son came. He compared it to his son coming in on an airplane. He loves his son, but not the vessel he came in. He also confessed he now regrets getting the vasectomy. He said, "at my age" (he's 41) "I never anticipated falling in love and getting married, but then you came along. I really wish we could have a child together." I apologized to him if my feelings made him feel guilty, ashamed or sad. He told me no, and that I should always speak up and share my hurts with him. He told me that this has been a burden he has been keeping to himself as well. I feel better now that I know he shares my sorrow and my acceptance of the situation. It gives me tremendous peace to know that if we could get pregnant, he would want to have a child with me.

That's nice to hear. I'm glad you have peace in your heart about it. Your fiance sounds like a wonderful man.

 

[katautumn]

Thank you, WashedClean. Yes, he is indeed a wonderful man.

Today was hard for me. We went to his family's Christmas get together. His brother is recently married as well as his niece. Of course, the question everyone was asking them was "when are you going to start having babies?" His niece said, "oh gosh! We're never having kids. We don't want kids and we're not having any!". I had to excuse myself from the table and walk around outside a minute because I felt upset. It's not her fault, but it hurt me because I can't have a baby. I know that his brother and sister-in-law are planning to try to have a baby next year after they move. That will be difficult for me, but I'm trying not to think so far into the future.

I'm just trying to accept it, one day at a time.

 

[Anti Existance]

Well with the help of God , and a little science im sure you two will have a baby. I personally don't want children either, also i cannot afford them even if i wanted them, and im not motivated to put them on a horrible world as this to begin with, but that's just me.

 

[JacobsDream]

Well with the help of God , and a little science im sure you two will have a baby. I personally don't want children either, also i cannot afford them even if i wanted them, and im not motivated to put them on a horrible world as this to begin with, but that's just me.

Thats where God comes in, for us to raise those kids in His ways, to equip them to make a difference in this crazy world and in peoples' lives. Its our world anyways.
Don't get me wrong, I understand your sentiments.

 

[katautumn]

I wanted to stop by and thank everyone again for your kind words and advice. I'm just taking it one day at a time, trying not to pin unrealistic expectations upon myself to just "get over it" all at once.

I sat down with J night before last and told him that I have been selfish and apologized to him for being so upset and constantly airing my frustrations and sadness with him. I told him, "I know that if I was not physically able to give you a child and I saw you crying and hurting over it, I would feel bad as if I were somehow to blame for your sadness. I don't want to make you feel that way and I'm sorry for doing that." He held me and kissed my forehead and assured me that I had not made him angry with me or hurt his feelings. He shares my desire to have a child, but I think he's accepting it better than I have thus far. Either that or he's doing the "guy thing" and keeping it inside trying to be strong for my sake. Either way, he's a wonderful man whom I love very much. I know that regardless of whether or not we'll ever have a child of our own, we have plenty of love to share with my son, his son and our dog. We're already a family.

 

[Anti Existance]

If your gonna have this frustration all of your life just over a kid, i first want to advice you. Look at the things that you DO have instead of looking at the things that you don't have. Your wish to have a child is a punishment for yourself. I hope you fully understand that if you would not have a desire for a child your life would be a lot happier and your soul would find rest. However you remain restless for it is not the case, you want a baby that this man cannot give you, to end the torment of your soul (and only rejoice after it works) i would choose for artificial insemination ,because maby theres still a way to extract the life information for a baby from his body, or via a donor. But what i am mainly saying is that you need to find 'peace' because your only tormenting yourself.

I've seen so many mothers torturing themselves with baby thoughs, how can you enjoy life if you constantly worry about 'baby this baby that'? , i hope you settled this whole thing in your heart and soul now. I hope you can close this case and find inner spiritual rest for your soul.

*hugs* much love =)