Well... I screwed up.

[Arkanin]

I guess I am posting this here because the people on CF generally have sound judgement and I consider many of you my friends.

I have dated a lot of women lately, but there was only one I was very interested in because she was very shy, very smart, politically liberal, kind, sweet, seemed like something special. I was really disappointed because she wasn't returning my calls, and the thing was, most women I date I kind of tease, joke around, play games with, and with her, I... don't know. It was less about having fun and more about really getting to know each other.

Anyway, she wasn't returning my calls for a few weeks and she called today. I'd been about given up on her and I was feeling better. It's eating at me to find out what gives so I google her and find out she has a boyfriend. Or think. She apparently broke up with her boyfriend, I suspect he dumped her, because he did the routine on her I do on other women. She doesn't want anything to do with me anyway, though. Why, because I'm nice to her. I get hotter younger and infinitely stupider women just by being cocky and not myself and it makes me sad.

I just feel terrible. I was so nice to this girl and I manipulate other women and I think she's dumping me because I didn't manipulate her and that just makes me so sad, I want to be myself and meet someone that really matters and settle down. Just really upset. Needed to vent, need some advice. I'm going to talk to her tonight. She's going to dump me. I'm going to be upset because I will lose more faith in women than I have already lost and it will make me even more cynical and manipulative.

 

[bethdinsmore]

I am so sad for you. Please don't give up on being real - don't settle. Nothing is worth that, no matter how hard the loneliness. I know, I've been there.

There are many good, wise women out there. They just take searching for. I realize you are posting as a non-Christian, but conservative churches are a good place to find them, and you might find God at the same time.

Otherwise, what about hanging out with some kind of volunteer service group to find women who are working for a meaningful life. Some are probably also looking for a meaningful relationship with a man who's strong enough to be real.

In either case, it's good to be around people when the pressure is on, to see what they are really like.

I'll pray for you, friend. I have found life is wonderful with God and a godly spouse.

Aloha in Jesus

 

[crossrunner]

I'm so sorry. Sometimes the whole dating and love scene just stinks.
There are good people out there and there are good women out there too. Be yourself...because if you are going out for a life time commitment, you can't hind behind the mask for the entire lifetime of the relationship.

 

[QuantaCura]

Dude, just relax, be yourself, meet some women and let one that's looking for what you bring to the table fall for you. Think about it: if things get long term you're going to want to relax and be yourself at some point--so it makes sense to find someone who's going that "version" of you, so to speak . Don't manipulate someone into wanting to be with you, let it happen naturally.

 

[Arkanin]

I really appreciate the support. It's just disillusioning to be successful when dishonest and fail when honest. I need to have some good luck with being honest soon.

 

[Arkanin]

Well, gotta say post-talk with the girl I feel a lot better, even though she of course does not want to go out. I'm just struggling because I'm trying to find a balance between integrity in a relationship and putting my foot in the door as well as keeping interest. I can be a little a too-nice and I think if honesty is my flaw, it's the personal insecurity that I do let show. I truly can be somewhat insecure, though I'm certainly not one of those people that's pathetically needy or desperate, but I have a somewhat odd drive to find someone who really understands me and appreciates me because I don't feel like I've had much of that, so maybe I just need to look into myself and be more confident on the inside as well.

Though, I've certainly a spine and simply don't tolerate the women who aren't going to be nice to me. Most women are good people, and even the ones who are "bad" are not usually bad people; they are generally just very cynical and have bad self-images. It's a real shame that in many ways, our society actively works to make good women into bad ones by damaging their self-image. I guess I'm disappointed because this one really was a neat girl, and I really did have so much more connection with her than with the the majority of women I've dated. So, in hindsight, it's not at all unreasonable of me to be somewhat upset over it for an evening. I just need to keep movin' and go talk to some other girls.

Anyway, I sure appreciate it, guys.

 

[Im_A]

Well, gotta say post-talk with the girl I feel a lot better, even though she of course does not want to go out. I'm just struggling because I'm trying to find a balance between integrity in a relationship and putting my foot in the door as well as keeping interest.

my opinion?

just be yourself. have no agenda, but to have a serious relationship. dont' manipulate for anything. just be yourself. the only agendas i see that are worthwhile are for a serious relationship, and to daily get to know one another. you have to start somewhere. get rid of any expectations and just live and grow with whoever you get into a relationship with. it sounds all nice and all, but in all reality it isn't. you be yourself, and you realize a lot of girls don't like who you are, no matter even if you have good intentions, they only like you as a friend. you realize that when your honest, and go on integrity, that really for awhile, it can be a lonesome road. you either get hurt or hurt along way and all that bs. and when you find that someone that treats you right, and likes you for you, don't manipulate or anything, just keep her by your side and enjoy the ride i hope this helps in any way shape or form.

 

[Im_A]

i probably oversimplify relationships big time. but i view love and relationships pretty simple. grow, change, apologize for mistakes, and do your best. nothing else one can really do. if someone is really into you, they will stay along the ride. anyone else that doesn't stay along the ride, well as Pink Floyd said, "all we are, are just another brick in the wall."

 

[Arkanin]

just be yourself. have no agenda, but to have a serious relationship. dont' manipulate for anything. just be yourself. the only agendas i see that are worthwhile are for a serious relationship, and to daily get to know one another.

Yeah. I mean, what you're saying is profoundly right. I probably need to become more confident in and of myself, more of an "island", if you will, before I can start having a good relationship and be this way. But, any honest relationship is better than any dishonest relationship, even if the dishonest relationship yields "better" results to the outside world, and I guess I just need to focus on the real me being the kind of person that good women are attracted to.

 

[Im_A]

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Yeah. I mean, what you're saying is profoundly right. I probably need to become more confident in and of myself, more of an "island", if you will, before I can start having a good relationship and be this way. But, any honest relationship is better than any dishonest relationship, even if the dishonest relationship yields "better" results to the outside world, and I guess I just need to focus on the real me being the kind of person that good women are attracted to.

well either you can get yourself to some culturalized "good man" for a "good woman." or you can grow with someone. change for that person, change for yourself. i find that to be better.

 

[Arkanin]

well either you can get yourself to some culturalized "good man" for a "good woman." or you can grow with someone. change for that person, change for yourself. i find that to be better.

Those are encouraging words, and I'd like that to happen. This may not be easy without taking a lot of time to change to a much more independent person, though. Life gives challenges to everybody, and I understand that relationships are probably my biggest one.

 

[Im_A]

[/size][/color][/font]Those are encouraging words, and I'd like that to happen. This may not be easy without taking a lot of time to change to a much more independent person, though. Life gives challenges to everybody, and I understand that relationships are probably my biggest one.

i would just say, dont' be so hard on yourself. i even as a Christian have made some mistakes as a Christian. i've hurt people. not intentionally of course, but the relationship i'm in right now, i love this woman more than anyone knows. we are working our way to spending the rest of our lives together. i'm stoked to get to that point, taking some time, but that's fine by me, it's worth it in the end.

but it has taught me a lot about myself. i've changed a lot becuase of this, for the better for sure, but also, just, the way i used to be. it's actually something that doesn't help my low self-esteem when i think of what i used to be like . but all that matters to me is, i've changed. i'm finally committed, i'm finally in love. that committment part is just the spellbounding to me. because i have never been committed to this depth, and i always had those narcissitic/prideful ideas that i was this great, good, Christian guy, no matter of my tattoos or anything else, haha. i was such a fool. and i'm still growing and changing. i'm no where close to perfection and i like the process better then getting to some climatic point to where i can't grow anymore.

well i'll end it here for now. need to get changed, and get ready for early morning of golf today, hopefully i shoot good for myself

i hope anything i've said helps you out, or if nothing else, just gives you something new to ponder about. i know your icon thingy says your an atheist, and i don't want to be offensive with this, but God Bless you!

 

[TheMainException]

My friend, my brother.....I understand that since you are not a Christian, many things cannot be applied to your particular situation (such as you praying...)...but I encourage you to enjoy your life, and find youself for sure. It seems to me that what you want from yourself, others aren't liking....and I'm thinking that in the beginning you unconconciously act in such a manner that brings on such girls as this last one you speak of. If you are very sure of who you are and what you want out of life and from yourself and others and swaying only slightly, you will be much better off....you can be an example to the world this way...and you will be much happier because the right kind of people (your kind of people, the people you are attracted to more than physically) will be attracted to you and will want to be with you, and not just women either, men and women will want to hang with you because you are real. Fake people only ever hang out with fake people and enjoy it.....Take some time and know who you are, go places you like to go...be social, but be yourself. Go to coffee shops if you like that, dance clubs, rallys, whatever you enjoy....and be open about who you are and what you like and you will be more likely to find a girl who is like you and that you really might love.

Good luck, God bless