Weaponized incompetence?

[LovebirdsFlying]

Only recently have I found out there was a name for it. What are your experiences?

This is when one partner in a relationship pretends to be incompetent in order to make the other partner do more than their share. I'm reminded of the comedian who posted a supposed text conversation between him and his wife. "Want me to do the grocery shopping?" She answers, "NO! All you ever do is text me questions. I'll do it." He smugly concludes, "Husbanding level: Expert."

My experience with it comes from a previous marriage, to a man who has since passed away. I was just telling now-and-forever hubby about it earlier today.

As nice as my deceased former husband was, I hate to say it, but the truth is, he was a real pig around the house. It was hard to keep picked up after him. My children were 5 and 7 years old. On weekends, when everyone was home from work or school, I would organize efforts to get the house under control. First off, I would have to assign him chores the same as I did the kids. Second, as little as the kids were, they automatically knew to come back to me and get another assignment after they finished their chore, because obviously the house wasn't clean yet. By contrast, five minutes into it, I would find their stepfather on the couch, casually watching television while the rest of us are continuing to work our behinds off. In answer to my glare, he would state defensively, "Well, I finished my part." Two little children knew better, and he, a grown man, didn't? He would see us vacuuming, mopping, folding laundry, washing windows, changing linens, making beds, and he thinks carrying one sack of garbage to the dumpster is an equivalent amount of work? For that matter, he thinks four people doing one chore apiece one day a week is enough to keep a house clean?

I know now that it was weaponized incompetence because he never would have pulled such a stunt on his job. He would have known to go to his supervisor for further instructions rather than thinking it was OK to knock off while everybody else is still working. And yes, he placed me in the position of being his supervisor by pretending he didn't know what was going on.

Now-and-forever hubby would never do any such thing. If he and I are cleaning the house together, I don't have to assign him chores as if he were one of my children. He knows just as well as I do what needs to be done, and although we have different standards on a lot of things, he does know how to do it.

Yet there are some who would say my former husband was actually the smarter of the two, because hey, at least he was clever enough to get out of doing work. I'm sorry, but I must have missed the part where marriage is a competition to see who can outsmart the other into carrying more of the load.

Your thoughts?

 

[SkyWriting]

I don't know you. There is nothing more demoralizing than somebody who is critical of my work. My wife has no problem explaining, even in a nice way on occasion, what I am doing wrong. Men have no natural immunity to hold these tiny little thrusts though the abdomen that pierce the heart and squirt fountains of blood on the floor in front of us.

So when not in the mood for it, we watch TV instead.

Have you considered that your glare was not the tool to get the results you were seeking? It takes some experimenting to find a good substitute for the glare. But there are solutions.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

So what you seem to be saying is that men are just so emotionally fragile, the slightest little hint of disapproval makes them give up and retreat to TV land.

I wasn't glaring at him because he didn't do his chore right. I was glaring at him because he thought his one minor contribution that took less than five minutes was equal to the rest of us working our tails off for hours. And because he pretended he was absolutely clueless that there was a difference in the amount of effort being put forth. How do you recommend getting a grown man to understand what two little children knew instinctively?

Plus, the fact that my now-and-forever husband doesn't try to pull those stunts tells me that maybe, just maybe, my frustration at my former husband's weaponized incompetence was understandable?

 

[mama2one]

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[RDKirk]

I hear one side of your story. You don't say whether your husband did anything around the house that you were incompetent to do.

Although I do about as much housework as my wife, and often to more exacting standards (military training), I also do a lot of things she is incompetent to do: Plumbing, carpentry, electrical work, auto repair, computer networking and repair, landscaping, HVAC. I also kill things that need killing and dispose of the carcasses as necessary. It's also my job to check out things that go bump in the night...armed.

Actually, there is nothing in the home my wife does that I don't also do to some extent, and much that I do that she doesn't do at all.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I hear you, sir. Much respect to you for pulling your load. Let it be known I very much appreciate the fact that I don't have to give my dear hubby a list of things that need to be done around the house. He knows. If he sees something that needs to be done, he does it. I love him for that.

My point of contention about my former husband is not that he was incompetent to do chores around the house. I am saying that he *pretended* to be incompetent at housework, so that I would be forced to do it myself, and he'd get off scot free. Witness the fact that he would not take such an attitude at work. If the restaurant manager he worked for were to put him on cleanup duty, he'd get the job done swiftly and well, without constantly asking where everything is supposed to go, or pretending he doesn't know how the mop bucket works. But at home, it was a different story. The same tasks he could do well on the job, he suddenly was unable to do at home.

Was there anything my former husband did around the house that I couldn't do? No, not really. I'm afraid not. Does my now-and-forever husband do things around the house that I am unable to do? Absolutely. He can also do many/most of the things that I usually do, although I may have higher standards. For instance, we both willingly do laundry, but he doesn't care (or even seem to notice) whether it is done neatly or haphazardly. To him, a shirt hung sideways on the hanger (one arm toward the front, the other toward the back) with one sleeve turned inside out, is acceptable. As long as it's *on* a hanger at all, and it isn't crumpled up in a laundry basket or left in the dryer, he sees no problem.

Similarly when we're making the bed, he doesn't care if the corners of the fitted sheet don't come all the way down on the mattress, or if the pillow cases are lined up squarely on the pillows. They can be turned sideways like that shirt on the hanger, and he's happy with it. He just wants to get it over with.

This is not weaponized incompetence. It's merely a different standard. It would be weaponized incompetence if it were a calculated move to get me to give up and do it myself, but it isn't. How do I know? Because if I go in and straighten up that shirt, or that bed, he doesn't see the difference. He doesn't say things like "I don't know how," or "You're just better at it than I am." In fact, he wouldn't care if I just left it that way, or if I did it to that standard myself.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I do think you may be (just a possible) putting thoughts into your ex's head that may not have been there.

While much of what comedians joke about come from something true, it's also face saving for a person to declare they make mistakes on purpose rather than admitting their faults.

My husband doesn't pay attention to the same things I do... He just doesn't. If I tell him I want a can of cream of mushroom soup at the store, he doesn't know what brand because he's never paid attention to branding nor realizes that there is a taste difference between el-cheapo brand and name brand...

The why is two fold. He doesn't have the taste buds I do, and he doesn't do the cooking. So if I want him to pick up things from the store, I have to be very specific when asking for items. I have to tell him when brand matters along with brand and when it's not an issue and to get off brand.

Making shopping lists for him is a detailed project, such that I've been thrilled when I can do online shopping and simply send him to pick it up.

That's not to say he's bad at it on purpose, he's just bad at it. He's very good at some things, but shopping and seeing dirt in the house aren't his strong suits. And yes, that also means I make to-do lists for him when I want help around the house. I put everything I want him to do in one list, however, because he's not 5 and doesn't need to check in with me at the end of each individual chore.

Sometimes it's good to realize that we don't or won't always have the same strengths and weaknesses... And if we know what our spouses are weak in, learning how to communicate through the weaknesses is important.

I'm glad you and your current husband get along and see things the same way, but it's more important to learn good communication than it is to have our partner be "perfect", we are all only human after all.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Your thoughts?

Reminiscent of when "man bag" was a common term. People invent terms to blow off steam all the time. Usually doesn't change much.

Weaponized incompetence probably has a flip side of the same coin term, that would differ per couple.

 

[mama2one]

I very much appreciate the fact that I don't have to give my dear hubby a list of things that need to be done around the house.

always a "hubby to-do list on fridge" at in-laws house
my mom was always giving tasks to my dad, also

decided I'd never do that ^ to husband!

sometimes I don't tell husband when things break
he finds out & then says "tell me!"

have tried to fix things (electrical) or do certain things (cutting down tree with saw) when husband out of town
hand saw got stuck half-way through tree, lol

he said "do NOT do anything when I'm away!"
"I don't want to fix your messes"