- May 17, 2004
- 164
- 27
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
Have you ever allowed yourself to live in sin that was so blatent and obvious, you wondered how you possibly could've done it? I lived in such a sin from February until this past Saturday. It's amazing how, every time I committed this sin, I felt it wasn't right, the Holy Spirit would tug at me and I would just shut Him out of my mind until I'd finished doing all I wanted. THEN I'd be lovey-dovey toward Him, as an unfaithful wife who has a nagging guilt in the pit of her stomach. The irony is I knew something was wrong with our relationship, I knew something was off-kilter and seemed increasingly so. Though He was securing new revelation in me and we were passing many milestones in other respects, I knew that somehow, someway, I was putting a wall between us. I couldn't tolerate it so on Saturday morning, after feeling His presence so overwhelmingly the night before, only to wake up cold and convicted, I begged Him to shake up my world, to do whatever it took, to be merciless and just tear down this barrier. Saturday night, I was again determined to be faithful in MOST ways, but do what I wanted as far as my two loved sins go. After I "had my fun," He called out to me. What are you doing? You don't know you can stop this? Reach out and I will help you, find someone to help you, do something, but not this. Where is my wife, where is my beloved, my daughter? Now when you've convinced yourself that you're doing everything you possibly can to pursue God and be faithful to Him and surrender EVERYTHING and He says something like this, you pay attention!
Right then and there, I whispered "never again." After I'd used my other sin to escape the feelings pursuing leaving this sin, I came home and put my face in the floor, cried the bitter tears of an adulteress, a slave who had served two masters, and once more said "never again." I didn't know what that meant, I didn't know what came next or how extremely hard some of it would be, but I know I'll never again. What's wonderful about every difficulty is it makes us more aware of our need for Him. When we confess that we're naked and filthy, we can then humble ourselves and ask Him to clean us and clothe us and change us. This is why daily repentance is so huge, because who can come before the Lord without admitting they are naked and filthy without harboring a pride that would repel Him? It's not "I'm sorry I was a sinner, I wish I hadn't made mistakes," but "I AM a sinner, I'm making mistakes up to two minutes ago, I AM filthy, I AM wretched, and I need You desperately to turn from these."
Since I knew I had to, I found someone to talk to about it. Sometimes only a person saying "God is on your side" is enough for us to press on! My family never admitted any weakness, any sadness, until it couldn't be held in any longer. And when we did, we'd pay for it by facing the rage or the guilt trips which would ensue. And for good reasons, I didn't tell anyone at my church. In being accountable to someone, we must be aware that for many, a weakness is judging others, and we want to protect them from temptation to judge while reaching for another to steady us in the Lord. Receiving judgement in pursuing God would only hinder us as well, so use discernment and prayerfully call on another. When facing opposition such as I did when I reached out to a second friend, I found that God used that too. I held fast and affirmed to myself before God that I was in the Lord and His Spirit leapt within me! He confirms the truth one way or the other, though the latter is, in a way, more difficult to bear. But we can't let rejection become a hindrance, it must drive us CLOSER toward the Lord, instead of running in the opposite direction.
There are a couple reasons I don't mention my own personal sins here. For one, sin is sin; we too easily conceive that one sin is worse than the other, one is more negligible or reasonable or easier to understand. Some might say "Oh, wow, if that's a big sin in your life, you're a saint!" or "That is so heinous, I cannot believe you'd dare to do something like that!" Sin is sin. And two, I want whatever mine are to be easily replaced for the person reading this who's under conviction.
Hopefully, those who are prone to judging and viewing the sin in others as a character-defect will allow God to work in them on this, be more available, more willing to reach out to someone like me who was terribly terribly lost and feeling that no person could help me and that I would be condemned by a friend as soon as I uttered what was going on. The love of Christ needs to rule the church, not talk of other people or gossip or disbelief that someone could be "that bad" or "that good." All fall short, we're all sinners and we all need to learn Christ's acceptance, to the length that He loved the murderers and thieves. Do we? Are you prepared to "hold the hand" of even a hardened criminal when God puts you in a position to care for them? Will you laugh or dismiss it when someone mentions they have trouble with lying or shopping/greed or lust or false thought patterns? Or will we, as the body of Christ, look at sin as our Lord does? With love and compassion for the fellow-sheep, while recognizing and addressing the sin in partnership against the enemy.
God gave me just enough strength to tell someone because they had told me not long ago of their weakness. This compels me to end this cycle of faking perfection in the church. Maybe sometimes, we need to be the first to say "this is my sin, this is what's really going on with me" and be willing to be rejected and spurned, hoping at least one may then feel at ease to come to you in his or her time of weakness. Rejection is tough and it's also headed every true believer's way. Don't brace yourself and leap, but let God hold you and take a small step of faith as He moves you. Not faith in people but faith in Him. Expect either outcome, and know that either can be used for His glory. Far worse than rejection is indifference. I, for one, would rather be hated and despised and rejected by my nearest family and closest friends than to keep myself safe and protected from the risk of rejection. Jesus made Himself nothing, so I hope that is our goal.
Humble us all, oh God, that we will give You all and in doing so, give to others what may be difficult to give, hard to let go, even scary to offer. Our hope, our strength, our identity is in You and we want to imitate you as beloved children. Unafraid, confident, sure, well-supplied and cared for. Because You are our everything. Shape our hearts in this way and give us clear direction and discernment in our desire to love and support others in Your name. Help us be open to Your call, oh God, to be ready and willing to follow You obediently, without weighing out the cost but giving it all to You. No weapon formed against us will prosper and You are all we need fear, so give us that confidence and boldness in proclaiming Christ and allowing Him to live through us and renew and shape us. May it all be pleasing to You, my Lord. May our lives be as incense in Your nostrils, our words bless Your name, our thoughts be pure, our motives holy, our hearts yearn after Your own. Let it be so in your church, in this group of people online, in our countries, and the world over. You are most worthy of all this, King! Most worthy! So may it ever be! Amen.
Your Sister in the Lord,
April
Right then and there, I whispered "never again." After I'd used my other sin to escape the feelings pursuing leaving this sin, I came home and put my face in the floor, cried the bitter tears of an adulteress, a slave who had served two masters, and once more said "never again." I didn't know what that meant, I didn't know what came next or how extremely hard some of it would be, but I know I'll never again. What's wonderful about every difficulty is it makes us more aware of our need for Him. When we confess that we're naked and filthy, we can then humble ourselves and ask Him to clean us and clothe us and change us. This is why daily repentance is so huge, because who can come before the Lord without admitting they are naked and filthy without harboring a pride that would repel Him? It's not "I'm sorry I was a sinner, I wish I hadn't made mistakes," but "I AM a sinner, I'm making mistakes up to two minutes ago, I AM filthy, I AM wretched, and I need You desperately to turn from these."
Since I knew I had to, I found someone to talk to about it. Sometimes only a person saying "God is on your side" is enough for us to press on! My family never admitted any weakness, any sadness, until it couldn't be held in any longer. And when we did, we'd pay for it by facing the rage or the guilt trips which would ensue. And for good reasons, I didn't tell anyone at my church. In being accountable to someone, we must be aware that for many, a weakness is judging others, and we want to protect them from temptation to judge while reaching for another to steady us in the Lord. Receiving judgement in pursuing God would only hinder us as well, so use discernment and prayerfully call on another. When facing opposition such as I did when I reached out to a second friend, I found that God used that too. I held fast and affirmed to myself before God that I was in the Lord and His Spirit leapt within me! He confirms the truth one way or the other, though the latter is, in a way, more difficult to bear. But we can't let rejection become a hindrance, it must drive us CLOSER toward the Lord, instead of running in the opposite direction.
There are a couple reasons I don't mention my own personal sins here. For one, sin is sin; we too easily conceive that one sin is worse than the other, one is more negligible or reasonable or easier to understand. Some might say "Oh, wow, if that's a big sin in your life, you're a saint!" or "That is so heinous, I cannot believe you'd dare to do something like that!" Sin is sin. And two, I want whatever mine are to be easily replaced for the person reading this who's under conviction.
Hopefully, those who are prone to judging and viewing the sin in others as a character-defect will allow God to work in them on this, be more available, more willing to reach out to someone like me who was terribly terribly lost and feeling that no person could help me and that I would be condemned by a friend as soon as I uttered what was going on. The love of Christ needs to rule the church, not talk of other people or gossip or disbelief that someone could be "that bad" or "that good." All fall short, we're all sinners and we all need to learn Christ's acceptance, to the length that He loved the murderers and thieves. Do we? Are you prepared to "hold the hand" of even a hardened criminal when God puts you in a position to care for them? Will you laugh or dismiss it when someone mentions they have trouble with lying or shopping/greed or lust or false thought patterns? Or will we, as the body of Christ, look at sin as our Lord does? With love and compassion for the fellow-sheep, while recognizing and addressing the sin in partnership against the enemy.
God gave me just enough strength to tell someone because they had told me not long ago of their weakness. This compels me to end this cycle of faking perfection in the church. Maybe sometimes, we need to be the first to say "this is my sin, this is what's really going on with me" and be willing to be rejected and spurned, hoping at least one may then feel at ease to come to you in his or her time of weakness. Rejection is tough and it's also headed every true believer's way. Don't brace yourself and leap, but let God hold you and take a small step of faith as He moves you. Not faith in people but faith in Him. Expect either outcome, and know that either can be used for His glory. Far worse than rejection is indifference. I, for one, would rather be hated and despised and rejected by my nearest family and closest friends than to keep myself safe and protected from the risk of rejection. Jesus made Himself nothing, so I hope that is our goal.
Humble us all, oh God, that we will give You all and in doing so, give to others what may be difficult to give, hard to let go, even scary to offer. Our hope, our strength, our identity is in You and we want to imitate you as beloved children. Unafraid, confident, sure, well-supplied and cared for. Because You are our everything. Shape our hearts in this way and give us clear direction and discernment in our desire to love and support others in Your name. Help us be open to Your call, oh God, to be ready and willing to follow You obediently, without weighing out the cost but giving it all to You. No weapon formed against us will prosper and You are all we need fear, so give us that confidence and boldness in proclaiming Christ and allowing Him to live through us and renew and shape us. May it all be pleasing to You, my Lord. May our lives be as incense in Your nostrils, our words bless Your name, our thoughts be pure, our motives holy, our hearts yearn after Your own. Let it be so in your church, in this group of people online, in our countries, and the world over. You are most worthy of all this, King! Most worthy! So may it ever be! Amen.
Your Sister in the Lord,
April
