We were rushed into marriage and now we don't know how to be husband and wife

[Naomanos]

When we were going to my wife's church her pastor every time he would see us asked when we would be getting married. This started in the second month of us dating and knowing each other. I would tell him that we weren't ready to get married as of yet. We didn't have the resources to get married, and emotionally we just weren't ready for marriage.

His badgering kept on for another 5 months. I would always give him the same answer. His reply was always that we could just go to the courthouse and it would cost $100. That we didn't need to be ready emotionally for marriage, that we loved each other and that's all that was needed. Our fighting issues which developed 4 months into our relationship would resolve themselves when we would make things right in front of God (he didn't believe in having a boyfriend or girlfriend, that the Bible only says to go out and find a wife or husband).

Well, we got married 7 months into our relationship. Our fighting never did go away and no we have the added issues of marriage. We just passed our 1 year anniversary and we continue to argue and fight. We just do not know how to be married. We both grew up in broken homes. We never had what a loving and honoring marriage looked like and certainly not a Godly one.

We have tried counseling and it didn't help. We were going to a counselor at a local church, but he stopped making appointments for us. He was the only free one that we could see. Neither of our insurances cover marriage counseling and we can not afford to pay for it ourselves. We both see separate counselors, since our insurance will cover that, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Nor do I think it really will. What we need to learn is how to be husband and wife. Something we never had modeled for us growing up. We don't know how to resolve conflicts without arguing. We don't know how to do many things that loving married couples do and don't seem to have a problem with. Our church doesn't have marriage mentors, nor does any other church that I have called in and around our area.

We have done the five love languages. Her main love language is acts of service, which I have been doing all along. I clean around the house so that she doesn't have to. I will make phone calls that she doesn't want to make. Stuff like that. My main language is physical touch. Which is something she absolutely hates. She hates to cuddle and hold hands. She won't even just rub her hand across my shoulder. I crave these things, but look past the fact that she doesn't like to do these things.

We are not looking to divorce, but we don't know what else to do. Just stopping the arguing isn't an option since the root cause is still there. We know that we rushed into this, we know we probably made a mistake, but we do love each other.

We no longer go to her church where her pastor is at and that was a huge fight. She didn't want to leave there.

What can we do? Does anyone have any answers?

 

[waxlion10]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm very surprised at your pastor's pressuring you guys into marriage; the pastor who conducted our marriage ceremony insisted that we go through premarital counseling. My FIL, who is a pastor, does premarital counseling with ALL the couples he marries. I'm just very saddened to hear that you guys were not give very good guidance by your pastor

Learning how to be a good husband or wife is a lifelong process. I have found (I've been married for six months, but DH and I dated for almost five years before getting married) that the closer I am drawing to the Lord, the better I am at serving my husband, keeping calm during disagreements, communicating effectively, etc.

How are your personal relationships with God? How often do you pray together?
What reasons does your wife give for not wanting to touch you? I know for me, personally, I don't feel like touching my husband when I feel emotionally distant from him or hurt by something he said/did/something in our relationship. Could any of this be going on?

Praying for you guys. There's no easy answer, really. Marriage is just tough work.

 

[Samuel Coleridge]

When we were going to my wife's church her pastor every time he would see us asked when we would be getting married. This started in the second month of us dating and knowing each other. I would tell him that we weren't ready to get married as of yet. We didn't have the resources to get married, and emotionally we just weren't ready for marriage.

His badgering kept on for another 5 months. I would always give him the same answer. His reply was always that we could just go to the courthouse and it would cost $100. That we didn't need to be ready emotionally for marriage, that we loved each other and that's all that was needed. Our fighting issues which developed 4 months into our relationship would resolve themselves when we would make things right in front of God (he didn't believe in having a boyfriend or girlfriend, that the Bible only says to go out and find a wife or husband).

Well, we got married 7 months into our relationship. Our fighting never did go away and no we have the added issues of marriage. We just passed our 1 year anniversary and we continue to argue and fight. We just do not know how to be married. We both grew up in broken homes. We never had what a loving and honoring marriage looked like and certainly not a Godly one.

We have tried counseling and it didn't help. We were going to a counselor at a local church, but he stopped making appointments for us. He was the only free one that we could see. Neither of our insurances cover marriage counseling and we can not afford to pay for it ourselves. We both see separate counselors, since our insurance will cover that, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Nor do I think it really will. What we need to learn is how to be husband and wife. Something we never had modeled for us growing up. We don't know how to resolve conflicts without arguing. We don't know how to do many things that loving married couples do and don't seem to have a problem with. Our church doesn't have marriage mentors, nor does any other church that I have called in and around our area.

We have done the five love languages. Her main love language is acts of service, which I have been doing all along. I clean around the house so that she doesn't have to. I will make phone calls that she doesn't want to make. Stuff like that. My main language is physical touch. Which is something she absolutely hates. She hates to cuddle and hold hands. She won't even just rub her hand across my shoulder. I crave these things, but look past the fact that she doesn't like to do these things.

We are not looking to divorce, but we don't know what else to do. Just stopping the arguing isn't an option since the root cause is still there. We know that we rushed into this, we know we probably made a mistake, but we do love each other.

We no longer go to her church where her pastor is at and that was a huge fight. She didn't want to leave there.

What can we do? Does anyone have any answers?

If you will do what is right.
God will do the rest.
If you do what is wrong.
You will find yourself
going the wrong way.
This is when you are lost.
Then you will stop and ask for directions.
from someone who is also going the wrong way.
And become even more lost than you were before.
You know right from wrong.
Do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.
This is my advice to you.

 

[Naomanos]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm very surprised at your pastor's pressuring you guys into marriage; the pastor who conducted our marriage ceremony insisted that we go through premarital counseling. My FIL, who is a pastor, does premarital counseling with ALL the couples he marries. I'm just very saddened to hear that you guys were not give very good guidance by your pastor

Learning how to be a good husband or wife is a lifelong process. I have found (I've been married for six months, but DH and I dated for almost five years before getting married) that the closer I am drawing to the Lord, the better I am at serving my husband, keeping calm during disagreements, communicating effectively, etc.

How are your personal relationships with God? How often do you pray together?
What reasons does your wife give for not wanting to touch you? I know for me, personally, I don't feel like touching my husband when I feel emotionally distant from him or hurt by something he said/did/something in our relationship. Could any of this be going on?

Praying for you guys. There's no easy answer, really. Marriage is just tough work.

I believe that our personal relationships are good with God. I read my Bible every day, pray at each meal, pray before I go to bed at night and thank Him when I wake up in the morning. I try to talk to him throughout the day.

I don't think that my wife reads the Bible as much as I do, but she does read it. I know that she prays each day. Beyond that I couldn't tell you. She has been a Christian a few years longer than I have. I just passed my one year anniversary of being a Christian back in December.

We don't pray together probably nearly as much as we should. I am uncomfortable with praying with another person at this point, even if she's my wife. I never know what to say, and my wife always wants me to start it off.

As for her not wanting to touch me, her reason is that she's just not a touchy type of person. That's her only reason that she gives. I know not to expect anything after we argue, but we could go a couple weeks without arguing and she would never touch me.

 

[Naomanos]

Samuel, that doesn't make any sense to me. I do as much as I can that's right in His eyes, but I am only human and will fail.

I'm not sure that what you have said really means anything in the context of my post.

 

[Samuel Coleridge]

Samuel, that doesn't make any sense to me. I do as much as I can that's right in His eyes, but I am only human and will fail.

I'm not sure that what you have said really means anything in the context of my post.

Do you want me to show you?

 

[dorig59]

She's right, there is no easy answer. A couple of things:

first of all, your former pastor should be flogged for pestering you, although you certainly didn't have to do anything you didn't want to do.

The first 2, 3, 4 years of marriage are the hardest and most difficult by far. It's a big deal bringing two people together like this, with their own desires and expectations, their own ways of doing things, etc, etc. So cut yourselves a little slack and don't expect everything to be perfectly smooth and wonderful anyway.

You need to find a good church with a close, Biblically based fellowship. You need to become friends with an older couple who can sort of mentor you along a bit. It may take a little time to find this, but it will be worth it if you can.

My best friend, who is 12 years older than I, we became friends way back when my kids were very little and she was such a help to me in so many ways. We're still very close, even though we live in different parts of the country.

So those are some thoughts to get you started.

 

[dorig59]

Do you want me to show you?

Heck, I'd like to know what you're talking about myself.

 

[Naomanos]

dorig, it's very hard to get my wife to look for a different church. She wants only to be in a church that is like her old one. So we have found a church like that, but this pastor seems to be better. We tried 2 other churches before this one and she didn't like them.

The problem is that this church on Sundays has about 400 people attending the service. We get lost in the crowd.

 

[waxlion10]

I believe that our personal relationships are good with God. I read my Bible every day, pray at each meal, pray before I go to bed at night and thank Him when I wake up in the morning. I try to talk to him throughout the day.

I don't think that my wife reads the Bible as much as I do, but she does read it. I know that she prays each day. Beyond that I couldn't tell you. She has been a Christian a few years longer than I have. I just passed my one year anniversary of being a Christian back in December.

We don't pray together probably nearly as much as we should. I am uncomfortable with praying with another person at this point, even if she's my wife. I never know what to say, and my wife always wants me to start it off.

As for her not wanting to touch me, her reason is that she's just not a touchy type of person. That's her only reason that she gives. I know not to expect anything after we argue, but we could go a couple weeks without arguing and she would never touch me.

I'm glad to hear that you're both pursuing relationships with the Lord. I, too, am in the Word more often than my husband, but we've finally come to the place in our relationship where we can have really great spiritual discussions and we respect each other's beliefs. We really sharpen one another, and while I'd like to see us pray and read more together, I'm trying to encourage it gently and not force it on him. Perhaps you and your wife could just start off by reading Scripture together? I know it's awkward praying in front of someone sometimes, but reading the Word together could help bring you a bit closer

As far as her saying she just "isn't a touchy person," I wonder if there's something deeper there. Was she ever abused as a kid (or ever, really)?

I'm asking because when I first started dating DH, I was REALLY uncomfortable with physical contact. He was my first boyfriend, and he really liked holding hands and putting his arm around me and giving me hugs and stuff. I really hated it. It took a long time to realize that I hated it because of the way my father parented me growing up. I don't know if he actually ABUSED me, but he was always very angry whenever he spanked us kids, and I realized after some counseling that this had hurt me and affected me deeply.

So, I'm just wondering if perhaps your wife is dealing with something deeper here.

P.S. I don't hate touching anymore, not at all It took some determined effort on my part to reciprocate DH's hugs/kisses/hand holding while we were dating, but after a while, I learned to like it. I give him back massages and hug/kiss him when he gets home from work and always try to put down what I'm doing whenever he comes up behind me for a sneak attack hug because I know it's very important to making him feel loved. So I do it, even if it's not my "love language"

What do you guys fight about? Are there any patterns, any topics that always lead to fights? How do you define "fight"?

 

[Naomanos]

Do you want me to show you?

Sure, go ahead.

 

[waxlion10]

You need to find a good church with a close, Biblically based fellowship. You need to become friends with an older couple who can sort of mentor you along a bit. It may take a little time to find this, but it will be worth it if you can.

EXCELLENT advice I just had to say that I agree a hundred percent.

 

[Niffer]

I'm sorry to hear that you were both so pressured to get married!
However, besides divorcing, there's not much you can do about that now.

Right now, you're learning how to be married to eachother and I think you're both stressing too much about how to be "husband" or "wife" - the real center of a Christian marriage is Christ.
You both need to start focusing on him, rather than eachother.
Keep Him in the center of your marriage, treat eachother with respect and love.
As long as you care for eachother and are not willfully trying to destory your marriage, you can make this work!

It's all a learning process, the hardest one you'll ever learn, but you both can do it!
Marriage is a partnership - you're now partners with eachother and the goal is to keep Christ centered.
Don't overthink this. I know there are tough times, but if you love eachother, you'll be only more strong later in your realtionship after over coming such a bumpy beginning.

Prayers and Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Naomanos]

I'm glad to hear that you're both pursuing relationships with the Lord. I, too, am in the Word more often than my husband, but we've finally come to the place in our relationship where we can have really great spiritual discussions and we respect each other's beliefs. We really sharpen one another, and while I'd like to see us pray and read more together, I'm trying to encourage it gently and not force it on him. Perhaps you and your wife could just start off by reading Scripture together? I know it's awkward praying in front of someone sometimes, but reading the Word together could help bring you a bit closer

As far as her saying she just "isn't a touchy person," I wonder if there's something deeper there. Was she ever abused as a kid (or ever, really)?

I'm asking because when I first started dating DH, I was REALLY uncomfortable with physical contact. He was my first boyfriend, and he really liked holding hands and putting his arm around me and giving me hugs and stuff. I really hated it. It took a long time to realize that I hated it because of the way my father parented me growing up. I don't know if he actually ABUSED me, but he was always very angry whenever he spanked us kids, and I realized after some counseling that this had hurt me and affected me deeply.

So, I'm just wondering if perhaps your wife is dealing with something deeper here.

P.S. I don't hate touching anymore, not at all It took some determined effort on my part to reciprocate DH's hugs/kisses/hand holding while we were dating, but after a while, I learned to like it. I give him back massages and hug/kiss him when he gets home from work and always try to put down what I'm doing whenever he comes up behind me for a sneak attack hug because I know it's very important to making him feel loved. So I do it, even if it's not my "love language"

What do you guys fight about? Are there any patterns, any topics that always lead to fights? How do you define "fight"?

Well, reading the Word together doesn't happen much either because we always disagree with what scripture means. Her pastor from before has put some really far out ideas into her head, which in turn means that we have way different beliefs. So in answer to one of your questions, that is one of things we fight about. Scripture.

We also fight about finances, how to handle issues that come up along the way, I guess really just normal stuff.

She also doesn't like the way that I handle people on the phone sometimes. I can be somewhat forceful in how I speak to people over the phone that aren't friends or relatives. An example would be a gaming account that I have had for 11 years. It had gotten hacked by someone in Korea back in September. I was having a really hard time talking to the first person that I got into contact with. I asked to speak with a supervisor and he told me that they are all busy. I told him that I would wait for one. So he puts me on hold, comes back 5 minutes later to tell me they are still busy and that there is nothing that they can do that he hasn't. So i asked to speak with a supervisor again. He tells me again that they are busy. I know that as a consumer it is my right to speak with a supervisor and I was willing to wait on the phone for one. He tells me that I can not wait and that there is nothing that one will do that he hasn't already. So at this point I got forceful and demanded to speak with a supervisor telling him that if I didn't I would report them to the better business bureau. He went and got one and my issue was indeed resolved.

She said that I handled it wrong and that I could have been nicer. I have dealt with this type of service before and I know that being nice will not work. So I did try to be nice, but was getting no where.

So of course that turned into an argument.

To me a fight is where we start to yell and scream at each other.

 

[dorig59]

EXCELLENT advice I just had to say that I agree a hundred percent.

Thank you, dearie! I think this is the best way to handle things like this, better than marriage programs, books, sermons, studies, etc. The best way is one-on-one with another godly couple who's been successful. And it's Scriptural, too. Unfortunately it can be difficult to find, but it's not impossible. I think they should pray for such an opportunity to open up.

I have an interesting story similar to that sort of thing. Back in the early days of my marriage, a guy at my then-husband's work had started witnessing to him. The two of us became very interested immediately, so he would talk to this guy during the day, come home and tell me everything that he had said and we would talke about it all night.

It got to the point where we were a little unsure on how to proceed. We had both been raised Catholics, but our families didn't practice any type of "religion" at all. So we kept talking about it, and then one night I said, "I just wish a pastor or somebody would just show up at our front door and sit with us so that we could ask him all the questions we want to ask".

A couple of days later, I was out front unloading groceries from my car when a man walked up to me and told me that he and his wife had just moved to the area and they were looking for housing. He wanted to know if the neighborhood was safe and all that. My husband was home, so I told the guy to come in with me and I would tell him about it (It wasn't a great neighborhood and I wanted to make sure he understood what the deal was.)

So we start chatting, the three of us, and I ask him what brought he and his wife to this area. And he says "I'm a pastor and I just took over this church over on such-and-such Road." WOW! We were so flabbergasted, we couldn't believe it! THe Lord actually answered that prayer, and fast! So we told him what had been going on with us. He sat and talked for a couple of hours, we became bona fide born again Christians before he left. The following Sunday we went to his church and "went forward" at the end. It was all very exciitng.!

Anyway, that incident just popped into my head and I had to share it with our OP here. Anything is possible.

 

[dorig59]

Well, reading the Word together doesn't happen much either because we always disagree with what scripture means. Her pastor from before has put some really far out ideas into her head, which in turn means that we have way different beliefs. So in answer to one of your questions, that is one of things we fight about. Scripture.

Wow. When she disagrees with you and talks about those far out ideas, could you ask her to show you why she believes that? Or maybe you should just read the Scriptures together and then pray, no commentary necessary. OR get a guide, a Bible study guide, there are many that are very reputable, the Navigator's, I think, is one of them, and follow along with the Bible study guide.

We also fight about finances, how to handle issues that come up along the way, I guess really just normal stuff.

You'll have to figure out how to do things with finances, make a plan, and stick to it.

She also doesn't like the way that I handle people on the phone sometimes. I can be somewhat forceful in how I speak to people over the phone that aren't friends or relatives. An example would be a gaming account that I have had for 11 years. It had gotten hacked by someone in Korea back in September. I was having a really hard time talking to the first person that I got into contact with. I asked to speak with a supervisor and he told me that they are all busy. I told him that I would wait for one. So he puts me on hold, comes back 5 minutes later to tell me they are still busy and that there is nothing that they can do that he hasn't. So i asked to speak with a supervisor again. He tells me again that they are busy. I know that as a consumer it is my right to speak with a supervisor and I was willing to wait on the phone for one. He tells me that I can not wait and that there is nothing that one will do that he hasn't already. So at this point I got forceful and demanded to speak with a supervisor telling him that if I didn't I would report them to the better business bureau. He went and got one and my issue was indeed resolved.

This is just personal preference, but I think she should feel glad that you are able to handle difficult situations. Many uncomfortable things like that will come up throughout the years and it sounds like you are persistent and smart enough to know how to resolve things.

She said that I handled it wrong and that I could have been nicer. I have dealt with this type of service before and I know that being nice will not work. So I did try to be nice, but was getting no where.

So of course that turned into an argument.

Why don't you both read that book, aargh, I can't remember the name it just slipped out of my head. Somebody help me! The one that was made into a movie and so many of us have read the book or seen the movie. The couple had a troubled marriage and the husband set out to fix everything by loving her properly. What's the name of that book??????

To me a fight is where we start to yell and scream at each other.

One last piece of advice here. Puhleeeze do not get her pregnant, do not have a baby. It will make everything much more complicated. You guys surely aren't ready for that, I'm sure you understand this. But I would be scruptulous about preventing a pregnancy if I were you.

 

[Naomanos]

Thank you, dearie! I think this is the best way to handle things like this, better than marriage programs, books, sermons, studies, etc. The best way is one-on-one with another godly couple who's been successful. And it's Scriptural, too. Unfortunately it can be difficult to find, but it's not impossible. I think they should pray for such an opportunity to open up.

I have an interesting story similar to that sort of thing. Back in the early days of my marriage, a guy at my then-husband's work had started witnessing to him. The two of us became very interested immediately, so he would talk to this guy during the day, come home and tell me everything that he had said and we would talke about it all night.

It got to the point where we were a little unsure on how to proceed. We had both been raised Catholics, but our families didn't practice any type of "religion" at all. So we kept talking about it, and then one night I said, "I just wish a pastor or somebody would just show up at our front door and sit with us so that we could ask him all the questions we want to ask".

A couple of days later, I was out front unloading groceries from my car when a man walked up to me and told me that he and his wife had just moved to the area and they were looking for housing. He wanted to know if the neighborhood was safe and all that. My husband was home, so I told the guy to come in with me and I would tell him about it (It wasn't a great neighborhood and I wanted to make sure he understood what the deal was.)

So we start chatting, the three of us, and I ask him what brought he and his wife to this area. And he says "I'm a pastor and I just took over this church over on such-and-such Road." WOW! We were so flabbergasted, we couldn't believe it! THe Lord actually answered that prayer, and fast! So we told him what had been going on with us. He sat and talked for a couple of hours, we became bona fide born again Christians before he left. The following Sunday we went to his church and "went forward" at the end. It was all very exciitng.!

Anyway, that incident just popped into my head and I had to share it with our OP here. Anything is possible.

I have prayed for such a thing to happen and have been for several months now. Each church that we have gone to I have asked if there is a marriage mentor couple or couples and have been told no. I have called other churches and was told no.

It's an avenue that I have pursued, but seems closed off to us.

 

[Naomanos]

One last piece of advice here. Puhleeeze do not get her pregnant, do not have a baby. It will make everything much more complicated. You guys surely aren't ready for that, I'm sure you understand this. But I would be scruptulous about preventing a pregnancy if I were you.

The book you're thinking of is The Love Dare and it's from the movie Fireproof.

We did that as well. It didn't help the arguing.

Also, she is unable to get pregnant. She is sterile.

 

[Samuel Coleridge]

Sure, go ahead.

ok I said to you


If you will do what is right.
God will do the rest.
If you do what is wrong.
You will find yourself
going the wrong way.
This is when you are lost.
Then you will stop and ask for directions.
from someone who is also going the wrong way.
And become even more lost than you were before.
You know right from wrong.
Do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.
This is my advice to you.

You know right from wrong

Is this correct?

 

[Naomanos]

Yes I know right from wrong.