We talked about intimacy

[God is my refuge]

We met about 2-1/2 years ago. We have both been Christians for several years by that time. We were very weak, and had sex several times before I asked her to reconsider that part of the relationship. This cycle happened so many times over 2-1/2 years, that by the time we decided we wanted to be married, it was common for us to have sex. We're still not married yet, I'll explain later..

When I was in college, a woman 12 years my senior talked me into having sex for the first time in my life. It was traumatic, but I was hooked nonetheless. It took a year and I was out of there, because the guilt and ill feelings whenever we had sex, mingled with the good feelings a normal person has, was too much for me.

So fast forward to today: even though sex is enjoyable to me, it triggers something in me that always makes me feel guilty about it. Maybe the trauma when I was in college. I don't know for sure.

But I do know what the Bible says about premarital sex. God forbids it, even though I'm not sure why. So I talked to my sweetheart tonight about this, and how important this is for me to be faithful to the word. She disagrees, and I don't know what or how to respond. She wants to be with me, and I also enjoy my time with her, whatever we do and whereever we go. But my pastor and my counselor have been telling me to stand up and take some kind of charge in this matter, and so I did. I know she's thinking about forgetting the whole wedding idea now.

I just have to believe this was the right thing to do.

Any comments or advice? I'd appreciate it.

 

[Luther073082]

If she doesn't agree that pre-marital sex is wrong then its highly possible that the two of you don't share the same core values. In which case you need to let her go and find someone who does share the same core values.

No matter how much you want to have sex with someone, there are a lot of things you should be sure about before committing to a marriage with them. One of those things is that you both have the same core values.

And to me it doesn't sound like the two of you do. Perhaps its better in the long run if you don't get married.

 

[The Nihilist]

Yeah, you should probably split up for her sake. You should take some time to work through your crippling issues with physical intimacy, rather than trap her in a poisonous relationship that she maintains out of love for you.

 

[Christownsme]

Hard move to make, God is my refuge
Standing up for God's ways is most important. She will understand if she loves you, that "friends with benefits" is not God's ways.

 

[dayhiker]

So how do you evaluate the whole relationship? Is the sex before marriage the only issue?

If I loved this girl I'd choose her not the elders of the church as I'd not plan on living with any church elders. But then it sounds like my view of pre-marrital sex lines up more with your GF's point of view!

 

[God is my refuge]

So how do you evaluate the whole relationship? Is the sex before marriage the only issue?

If I loved this girl I'd choose her not the elders of the church as I'd not plan on living with any church elders. But then it sounds like my view of pre-marrital sex lines up more with your GF's point of view!

The sex issue has been the primary issue for a long time, but there's also the fact that we're in our forties, and getting older while I can't work effectively to find a job, being disabled. So I can't just get married - the finances won't work until I find something I can do. I've been looking hard for a couple of years.

Sure, most of us have a point of view that premarital sex is the way. But God himself is putting in me a desire to be pure until marriage. I went to her house tonight and we talked, and this is the best decision that could have been made. We were more romantic than ever, and she was ok without getting sexual. We both know we love each other, and this is the glue that holds us together. God has surely blessed us in our submitting to him.

I am very surprised to know that 1/2 my responses from a Christian site wouldn't support God's ways of looking at things. Premarital sex should be avoided. It's not the elders' thinking - it's God's. And what happened? He blessed us. How did I know that would happen? When you mix faith with God's word you end up getting blessed every time. I don't need to hear that we needed to break up because of a poisonous trap of a relationship - that's a response only those without faith give. And church elders only speak for God. Ask God what's right in this matter, you'll find the same thing.

So it's simple, we each had an individual amount of faith that someday we will be together and married. And this seemingly foolish task of taking up a cross of celibacy has blessed us. We have no regrets.

Read:

1 Cor 1:18-19
For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God. For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

 

[GrumpGrump]

I don't need to hear that we needed to break up because of a poisonous trap of a relationship - that's a response only those without faith give.

Goodness, an attack on someone's character (or different beliefs, or lack of belief) as a means to dismiss the advice that they *sincerely gave* when you *explicitly asked* for advice? I get that you disagree with the advice the the values it represents, but don't go attacking the person. It's an ad hominem attack, an argumentative fallacy. Also, it's rude.

 

[The Nihilist]

I don't need to hear that we needed to break up because of a poisonous trap of a relationship - that's a response only those without faith give.

Are you sure you're not using your beliefs as a shield so that you can be selfish?

 

[ParentofChildren]

Hi "God is my refuge". It sounds like you have some guilt and weakness in pre-marital sex. It is not uncommon. I wish we had more posts about pre-marital envy, gluttony, & pride. In fact the latter, pride, is worse than pre-marital sex.

Check my posts.


Confess to God & seek his leading. Speak to your girl friend. If this guilt is blocking what is otherwise a good relationship; God honoring, similar life goals, mature, humor, and maybe some shared pain than please get help.

 

[TheLittleBit]

Im so glad that my bf was patient with me as far as coming around with my beliefs. I still want to have sex...all the time... But, at first my respect for him and his relationship with God made me submit to waiting. After my relationship with God grew it became out of respect for MY relationship with God.

Does your gf have a relationship with God. If she believes that even with that relationship it is ok to have sex with out marriage, can she respect YOU enough not to push the issue?

 

[barefeetonholyground]

You did the right thing! Holiness before happiness always. Sexual sins really do cause problems later down the road as you are experiencing now. I only know of one couple who were able to stop having sex until they were married and they will tell you that it took about ten years for the effects to go away. There was a lot of guilt and confusion like yours during their married intimacy because of their convictions to wait when they were married.
I am glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor, is this counselor a Bible-based teacher? I would highly suggest the book "rid of my disgrace" by Justin and Lindsay Holcomb as well, both are wonderful Biblical counselors who have spent years qorking with victims of sexual abuse, assault, and sexual sins of all sorts. Justin is now an active participant on the resurgence and a pastor at my church and his wife Lindsay serves at that same church as a Deacon. Hope that helps!