We never agree - I need advice

[DawnTillery]

My husband and I never agree, if i say i like this he is 100 percent against it. I asked him once why he is so negative and he just went nuts on me. I even told him once I believe he deliberately goes out of his way to not like the same things I do. He just gets mad. Ive read that if i want it to change, then i have to change and buckle under and let him have his way and he will eventually treat me the same... Lets step back, I use to be that way till it about drove me nuts. We only ate where he wanted to, he picked everything, did what he said. I was miserble and he was happy.. I have to start standing up for myself or ill go nuts.
I remember the first time i stood up for myself was after I had our daughter and i had a prescription for Tylenol 3 (didn tknow how much it would be and we didnt have precription coverage) he said do u really need it and I said yes, i hurt i have to have it.. Before I probably would have said no, i can manage. I also added I needed a few things for the baby (this was the first time i ever told him to buy things).. I use to never buy anything he knew about cause i was scared of what he would say - i usually just bought it and hid it or said oh i think we could use this.. and hoped he bought it..
Anywas.. when i said all this. he said demanding are we?

We have a toy poodle breeding business and before this was not a problem, but now we are moved near his family and our female is close to whelping and he is inviting everyone to come see the pups. I know and have read massive amt of books that you should not let people in to see the pups til the mother starts distanting herself from the pups. He knows this, ive told him. SInce it was never a problem before cause we didnt have company where we were, ive never had to talk to him about it. I do all the whelping, care etc, he just is there when i need him. (its my business), but now im faced with him disagreeing with me again.
I cant tell him no or even talk to him, cause he thinks im being rude and mean. This is just today ok.. this isnt the whole problem. I just told him tonight when he was on the fact they all couldnt wait to see them, that I wasnt breeding anymore, i was done after this.
I also have a female that I need to take her temp (u may not understand this, but taking a females temp close to whelping could save her life) - and she is kind of agressive, so I need help.. He will not do it, he said leave her alone. I had to call and ask someone to come help me, he dont realize anything. See her temp dropped 3 days ago (when she wasnt agressive) and that scared me cause they should deliver in 24 hrs.. but couldnt convince him of that.

Im scared to suggest a resturant, which items to buy for food etc.
Sometimes I dont remember if we have something at home (if i go to the store alone) and if we had some he will criticise the fact that i bought another box or can of whatever).

Im getting really tired of this and I know it makes me angry with him and he probably feels that. I can't talk to him cause he gets offensive then I get offensive. I get tired of crying everytime we talk, tired of crying myself to sleep, and everything inbetween.

How do I approach this subject when we can't talk.

Im considering counseling but i can see that as him screaming or him talking at me me and me sinking in my chair and not talking, cause im too afraid to talk? When I do talk, it does come out bad because i have so much pent up anger it just all comes spilling out.

 

[drich0150]

I suggest third party counseling, and recommend you read the book 'Boundaries in Marriage' by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Paperback - August 1, 2002)

It sounds as if both of you are in competition for "control" in the relationship. Something that needs to be worked out in a regulated manor, this is why I suggested the counselor, and the book will outline scriptural roles and healthy "boundaries" in a Godly marriage.

It's tough to be in a situation like your and want to continue to change and work at finding common ground. This sound like a last attempt, so I also suggest while there is still Momentum buy, beg or borrow the book and find a good christian marriage counselor ASAP.

An explanation of control. *ADDED*

Control of the relationship doesn't mean a fight to see who's the boss. He wants domination and you wants to be heard.. He thinks he's is Master and Commander and you want an equal say. Because He's In control and you want to change the way things are, I loosely deemed it a fight for control. And because he has such a tight reign over the control in the house hold, you're going to have to go to a counselor because he may see you as a subordinate. As a subordinate you don't have the authority to make a control change. Where maybe a good christian counselor could get the point thru.

 

[IKTCA]

Do you have a child or children? If this is too personal to you, please disregard.

 

[DawnTillery]

Do you have a child or children? If this is too personal to you, please disregard.

He has two adult children from a previous marriage, i have one thats 18 (lives with us in college) from a previous marriage and we have two together 12 and 10.

 

[tturt]

To me - it doesn't sound like you're both trying to be in control. Recommend a couple of books - "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and one of the books about the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

[Elijah2]

Hi Dawn,

My husband and I never agree, if i say i like this he is 100 percent against it.
When this happens, we usually find that their childhood life was not good.

They never got their own way with their parents or older siblings, and now they express their hurt and offence through control.

You both need Christian counselling, that is, if your husband is a Christian.

If your husband is a Christian, then he is disobeying His Word.

I asked him once why he is so negative and he just went nuts on me.
First sign of a controlling and hurting person.

I even told him once I believe he deliberately goes out of his way to not like the same things I do.
First mistake you accused him something that may not be true. Therefore, you accused him because you were angry. Does anyone apologise before the sun sets on anger, and ask for forgiveness. If not then it’s “pride”!

He just gets mad.
Of course he will get made, because you have challenged him, and your husband is carrying a lot of garbage (anger, bitterness, resentfulness, pride, unforgiveness, etc., etc.) around in his life. What is his work life like?

Ive read that if i want it to change, then i have to change and buckle under and let him have his way and he will eventually treat me the same...
That’s a lot of rubbish. You submit to your husband’s headship of the family, and headship isn’t authoritarian rule.

Lets step back, I use to be that way till it about drove me nuts.
Yes, when patience and self-control, and forgiveness and love isn’t practiced then you will go nuts.

We only ate where he wanted to, he picked everything, did what he said.
Well, your husband must have come from a dysfunctional family, or was terribly SPOILT.

I was miserble and he was happy.
Happiness isn’t being in control, happiness is in love!

I have to start standing up for myself or ill go nuts.
Of course you stand up for yourself, but you don’t fall into Satan’s hands and be like him. You do it as in accordance with His Word. This is a spiritual battle as well, as the enemy wants to destroy your marriage. How long have you been married?

I remember the first time i stood up for myself was after I had our daughter and i had a prescription for Tylenol 3 (didn tknow how much it would be and we didnt have precription coverage) he said do u really need it and I said yes, i hurt i have to have it..
Well, it appears that your husband is a “me” man!
Before I probably would have said no, i can manage. I also added I needed a few things for the baby (this was the first time i ever told him to buy things).. I use to never buy anything he knew about cause i was scared of what he would say - i usually just bought it and hid it or said oh i think we could use this.. and hoped he bought it..
Anywas.. when i said all this. he said demanding are we?
My dear sister, you are living with a control person, and you BOTH need counselling. Your husband has a hardened heart.

We have a toy poodle breeding business and before this was not a problem, but now we are moved near his family and our female is close to whelping and he is inviting everyone to come see the pups. I know and have read massive amt of books that you should not let people in to see the pups til the mother starts distanting herself from the pups. He knows this, ive told him. SInce it was never a problem before cause we didnt have company where we were, ive never had to talk to him about it. I do all the whelping, care etc, he just is there when i need him. (its my business), but now im faced with him disagreeing with me again.
It’s call PRIDE!

I cant tell him no or even talk to him, cause he thinks im being rude and mean.
You both need counselling!

This is just today ok.. this isnt the whole problem. I just told him tonight when he was on the fact they all couldnt wait to see them, that I wasnt breeding anymore, i was done after this.
The only way you will bring some reality back into your family life is to say to your husband: “What part of my commonsense you don’t understand?”

I also have a female that I need to take her temp (u may not understand this, but taking a females temp close to whelping could save her life) - and she is kind of agressive, so I need help.. He will not do it, he said leave her alone. I had to call and ask someone to come help me, he dont realize anything. See her temp dropped 3 days ago (when she wasnt agressive) and that scared me cause they should deliver in 24 hrs.. but couldnt convince him of that.
Well, as much as I can see that you like what you do, but if your husband isn’t helpful, then it’s time you take this other unnecessary stress out of your life.

Im scared to suggest a resturant, which items to buy for food etc.
Well, you both need counselling.

Sometimes I dont remember if we have something at home (if i go to the store alone) and if we had some he will criticise the fact that i bought another box or can of whatever).
Your husband is suffering from and identity complex and needs counselling.

Im getting really tired of this and I know it makes me angry with him and he probably feels that. I can't talk to him cause he gets offensive then I get offensive. I get tired of crying everytime we talk, tired of crying myself to sleep, and everything inbetween.
My dear sister, if there is one things that Satan and his forces love most of all, is a husband and wife that quarrels.

His Word says: “not to let the sun set on anger”. So what does that mean to you?

His Word says: “Don’t allow the root of bitterness to spring, as it will defile all”. So what does that mean to you?

His Word says: “forgive those who trespass against you”. So what does that mean to you?

His Word says: “love one another as you love ME”. So what does that mean to you”

All these commandments you break, therefore, you BOTH need counselling.

How do I approach this subject when we can't talk.
Easy, start confessing and repenting your sins of anger, bitterness, resentfulness, unforgiveness, etc., etc.

Im considering counseling but i can see that as him screaming or him talking at me me and me sinking in my chair and not talking, cause im too afraid to talk?
Don’t consider this at all, get it, but BOTH of you, not just you. Your husband has a lot of garbage (anger, bitterness, resentfulness, pride, unforgiveness, etc., etc.) in his life, as you also.

When I do talk, it does come out bad because i have so much pent up anger it just all comes spilling out.
Confess and repent this sin of anger immediately to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Be blessed in Jesus’ Name.

 

[LuminousFive]

Dawn,

I will approach this from the perspective that your husband and you are both Christians...

I am so sorry that your marriage is in a tough spot right now. My wife and I frequently disagree on things, but we have gotten better at working on talking about these disagreements in a way that isn't hurtful to either of us. The fact that your husband allows you to cry yourself to sleep on a regular basis is cause for alarm. I would suggest some straight talk with him. First, let him know how much you love him. Tell him that if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be upset by these arguements. Second, let him know that you need his support and approval. A marriage cannot work when one party is constantly putting down the other. Third, suggest counseling. If he is unwilling to go with you, I think that says something about how he feels about the marriage. Talk to a pastor, priest, or christian counselor.

Do not let your husband abuse you emotionally. Treating you with disrespect, intentionally hurting your feelings or berating you is abuse. Disagreeing with you is not, but treating you badly because of that disagreement is.

I will be praying for your marriage. If you need someone to talk to and vent to, I suggest finding a good FEMALE christian friend.

I hope and pray that your husband will be willing to make some changes. I also hope that you are willing to be flexible. Sometimes fixing things will require changes from both sides.

Love in Christ. -John

 

[drich0150]

Don’t consider this at all, get it, but BOTH of you, not just you. Your husband has a lot of garbage in his life, including yourself.

wow...

 

[Nilla]

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Be nice to each other people. This is Christian Advice section.

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[~Amped88~]

Have you tried praying to God? I know you probably have, but have you kept this problem of you and your husband not agreeing on anything on your priority list for prayer? I would suggest that you guys sit down together and write a list of your likes and dislikes of how you communicate.

For instance you could say baby, i like it when you have a soft voice most of the time. Baby I dont like it when i try to talk to you it seems you get upset at everything i try to say.

Make a list of "likes" and "dislikes" and then after your list is made you can work on them together Also don't ignore the likes. You need to encourage each other on them because it helps your partner more easily change on your dislikes. I hope this helps

 

[Hoankan]

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Thread has been reopened. Please remember to keep posts focused on the OP.

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