We need to get married, but financially can't...

[Philothei]

I think prayer is the answer in everything in life. I agree that God is ultimately to be first in your relationship...then things will fall into place. Financial planning is what God wants us to do for starting a family for we should not think selfishly... Have you considered if kids come along how you would react? If you live seperately what about kids? If you get pregnant then what?

See when one gets married he ceases to be a unit any more he is part of a family; his own. I would wait and plan for...a family not only marriage. Also making sure that I would protect myself from the other member backing up in a given relationship I know it sounds cold and cruel but God allows for trials and all and we have to be prepared. Always believing always trusting in His will yet getting prepared for trial and tribulation nothing wrong with that and no one should feel guilty for financial planning.

We did got married in 2 years we saved enough to have our first furniture (not much ) but putting down a deposit for a rental appmt etc. We did wait for our wedding night and it did not matter we enjoyed every minute of our engagement with going out to dates to movies and having fun! Consider yourself lucky that you can enjoy this time of your engagement it was the happier time and care free time. Not that our marriage was not important and all but it comes with responsibilities and hardships but with joys too

It is a time to enjoy the time without children for marriage and children is just a different stage in your relationship You are young both and you got plenty of time for that...
Again if you get at least the basics together then I would say that you should go ahead and marry!

But let Christ be your guide and pray together every night I know that was my husband's top priority while we were enganged.....

 

[BFine]

I went through that...being married and having to live apart
I did it for nearly 2 yrs. it's not easy and I thank God for having
a praying mom!

I married a Canadian --I'm from the USA (NC to be exact.)
It took nearly 2 yrs. for me to get my residency status so I could
live full time in Canada...up until then I was flying between two countries.

We both were determined to do this and we nearly failed, it was very hard and
expensive, I won't lie to you about the real facts of the matter. It is hard on a marriage when two people are living (most of the time) nearly four thousand miles apart.
I am thankful that is behind us and I know God has been with us the whole time and
continues to provide for us.
Even though my husband no longer has a job or the ability to hold down full time work
yet...it was wise planning that got us in shape so we wouldn't go belly up when the economy went south a few yrs. ago. All this planning happened several yrs. ago before the economy took a nose-dive...when I felt in my spirit something bad was coming I told my husband that we needed to get out from under so much debt-- He listened!

We made the decision to be mortgage free when our home sold on the coast in March of 2009...so, when we came over to the mainland we looked in the farming area for cheaper homes...we found one we could purchase outright. From that time on we paid off credit cards and our line of credit --in all this the Lord blessed us- financially through a relative who was downsizing and decided to give his family their inheritance money at the time.
Even though my husband is unable to work and his former employer dismissed him yesterday(his medical leave extension elapsed.)
We are in good shape and can live on one income.

I also encourage you to get connected with a Christian mentor and a prayer partner.
They are both beneficial for Christians, especially young ones who are wanting to get
married. One more thing-- do pre-marriage counseling and any other counseling your church has to offer a young couple.

 

[Philothei]

I went through that...being married and having to live apart
I did it for nearly 2 yrs. it's not easy and I thank God for having
a praying mom!

I married a Canadian --I'm from the USA (NC to be exact.)
It took nearly 2 yrs. for me to get my residency status so I could
live full time in Canada...up until then I was flying between two countries.

We both were determined to do this and we nearly failed, it was very hard and
expensive, I won't lie to you about the real facts of the matter. It is hard on a marriage when two people are living (most of the time) nearly four thousand miles apart.
I am thankful that is behind us and I know God has been with us the whole time and
continues to provide for us.
Even though my husband no longer has a job or the ability to hold down full time work
yet...it was wise planning that got us in shape so we wouldn't go belly up when the economy went south a few yrs. ago. All this planning happened several yrs. ago before the economy took a nose-dive...when I felt in my spirit something bad was coming I told my husband that we needed to get out from under so much debt-- He listened!

We made the decision to be mortgage free when our home sold on the coast in March of 2009...so, when we came over to the mainland we looked in the farming area for cheaper homes...we found one we could purchase outright. From that time on we paid off credit cards and our line of credit --in all this the Lord blessed us- financially through a relative who was downsizing and decided to give his family their inheritance money at the time.
Even though my husband is unable to work and his former employer dismissed him yesterday(his medical leave extension elapsed.)
We are in good shape and can live on one income.

I also encourage you to get connected with a Christian mentor and a prayer partner.
They are both beneficial for Christians, especially young ones who are wanting to get
married. One more thing-- do pre-marriage counseling and any other counseling your church has to offer a young couple.

Excellent story and advice

We had our financial ups and downs over the years too..Lots of financial crisis and headaches over debt We are married now for 20 years almost and lots of gray hairs over finances...

Pre-marital counseling is great I had it individually and as a couple. But the OP seems to be involved with her Church and all and that is wonderful also

she is on the right path for sure

 

[MissMoriah31]

Philothei and BFine, you two are both very sweet! Thank you for your encouraging words.

My fiance and I have already talked to our pastor once about this whole issue and are going to do pre-marital counseling with him after his summer sabbatical (I think that's what its called - it's where he takes a break and the assistant and associate pastor take over for a couple of months).

I think that this whole situation might be a little easier for me if I had a few close friends I could go and do things with. I am in college but its difficult to connect with the students there because I have nothing in common with them (the majority of college students like to go to parties and drink), and the young adults at my church are very difficult to get close to. I also struggle with anxiety, but I still try to make an effort to get in contact with people, it just seems everyone else already has close friends or is too busy.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[Ark100]

Most everyone here's given you good advice, but I do hope you are not thinking of getting married mainly because you want to avoid burning with passion? If thats the main reason, it may not last.
You are 20 and he's 23, you two are pretty young.
You need to think long term and put many things in considerations before you do get married. He's shifting the date, you re getting upset he's shifting it. Maybe its getting postponed because God is not ready to approve of it? Have you thought of that?
You have been praying for 8 months and nothing's happening. Maybe God is saying, 'not right now'
Thats my opinion and advice, you have to be in the right mindset and have good and mature reasons to get married. You dont want to enter into something that will cause you problems down the road.
Take this to God and seek His face seriously before you two do this.

 

[blackjellybean]

To my brothers and sisters in Christ,
I feel as though I am stuck in a situation with no 'best' option...all are stressful in one way or another.

That's life and it sucks!

financially, it is impossible...or so he (my fiance) says.

...

I, on the other hand, am not 100% positive with what I want to do but am currently finding an interest in graphic design.

What are you guys doing for income in the meantime?

Also, have you asked your church to help foot the bill? If they won't, find a new church. Pretty sad state of affairs if a church won't help young couples wed and get their feet on the ground.

 

[GravyTrain2012]

Take out a marriage license and get a pastor to marry you and God
will honor your commitment to Him because you are willing to go God's way instead of
following your own ways.

God will work out the details and bless your marriage and provide what
the two of you need to live as husband and wife if you will be obedient
to His will and His plan for your life.

I'm sorry but can you point me to a place in Scripture that says a man and woman must be "blessed" by a pastor to be married? I'm not saying you're wrong or trying to argue with you but I'm just unaware of anything of the sort in Scripture.

 

[gideon123]

Ummmmmmm ... yeah.
I agree that moving in with a psychotic family member might impede a new marriage.

Hahahahahahaha!
Just saying

Hey listen - you're not alone.
There are lots of young Christians with similar concerns to you.
It's not easy to get good-paying jobs these days. In fact ... it's not easy to get jobs period.

Do you think it might be better to wait until one of you (at least) has got a good job? That would make things a whole lot easier. You could then get into an apartment ... even if it's a small one.

The alternative is to find a small guest house - but not the one at your family's home. Ask around various churches nearby, and see if someone is looking for Christian boarders. Tell them that you are getting married. You might find a really good deal. And Yes - you could do a small "secret" marriage, and then later still do a bigger church wedding. It's been done before. HOWEVER - my suggestion is that you find the place to live first, then do the marriage.

good luck,
don't let this stuff get you down.

gideon123

 

[Life2Christ]

When I got married in 2002, the total cost for my wedding was just under six hundred dollars. I had family to do the food items in lieu of gifts, my wedding dress was a lookalike prom dress that had been put on clearance for less than a hundred dollars...
the wedding and reception took place at a colonial style B & B. Since it had lots of floral wallpaper -- I decorated the staircase with wedding bows and used lots of candles (the place looked beautiful!) Instead of real flowers for my bouquet, I opted for artificial ones that the florist supply shop guy sprayed with a rose scent (the day before my wedding.) I had a ring bearer, flower-girl, maid of Honor etc and my elder brother walked me down the aisle. (Everybody wore their nicest clothes--so nobody
had to go in debt for formal apparel.)

Happy 10th Anniversary!! If I ever get married again, this is how I want to do it, maybe even simpler than that.

 

[MissMoriah31]

We are not getting married simply because we are burning with passion, we are getting married because we love each other and are committed to one another. Right before we got engaged we were not having this problem, we just knew that we were right for each other and wanted to get married.

So, we aren't getting married because we're burning, we want to get married sooner because we are burning.

I agree with what you're saying though and I've thought about that before. We're just going to continue to pray and see where God leads us.

In Christ,
Moriah

Most everyone here's given you good advice, but I do hope you are not thinking of getting married mainly because you want to avoid burning with passion? If thats the main reason, it may not last.
You are 20 and he's 23, you two are pretty young.
You need to think long term and put many things in considerations before you do get married. He's shifting the date, you re getting upset he's shifting it. Maybe its getting postponed because God is not ready to approve of it? Have you thought of that?
You have been praying for 8 months and nothing's happening. Maybe God is saying, 'not right now'
Thats my opinion and advice, you have to be in the right mindset and have good and mature reasons to get married. You dont want to enter into something that will cause you problems down the road.
Take this to God and seek His face seriously before you two do this.

 

[MissMoriah31]

That's life and it sucks!




What are you guys doing for income in the meantime?

Also, have you asked your church to help foot the bill? If they won't, find a new church. Pretty sad state of affairs if a church won't help young couples wed and get their feet on the ground.

I don't have a job right now. Once we got married though I would have to find one out where he lives because its 1 1/2 hours from where I am now anyways. He just got out of a bad job situation and is currently interviewing for my jobs. He is also doing recruiting with large accounting firms as well (the firms that go to universities to recruit seniors for full time positions).

Personally, I don't go to a church based on if they help me with my wedding bills or not, I go there for the theology and preaching of God's word. However, we are going to have a church wedding and we only have to give the pastor a 'donation' for the ceremony if we choose to or can.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[MissMoriah31]

Ummmmmmm ... yeah.
I agree that moving in with a psychotic family member might impede a new marriage.

Hahahahahahaha!
Just saying

Hey listen - you're not alone.
There are lots of young Christians with similar concerns to you.
It's not easy to get good-paying jobs these days. In fact ... it's not easy to get jobs period.

Do you think it might be better to wait until one of you (at least) has got a good job? That would make things a whole lot easier. You could then get into an apartment ... even if it's a small one.

The alternative is to find a small guest house - but not the one at your family's home. Ask around various churches nearby, and see if someone is looking for Christian boarders. Tell them that you are getting married. You might find a really good deal. And Yes - you could do a small "secret" marriage, and then later still do a bigger church wedding. It's been done before. HOWEVER - my suggestion is that you find the place to live first, then do the marriage.

good luck,
don't let this stuff get you down.

gideon123

Gideon123,
I definitely agree with you. Thanks for your suggestions!

It's not the wedding funds that we are worried about though (its going to be a small wedding and my parents are paying for the few expenses that we will have), its just the funds for living as a married couple. He lives in LA and apartments are extremely expensive out there.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Take out a marriage license and get a pastor to marry you and God
will honor your commitment to Him because you are willing to go God's way instead of
following your own ways.

God will work out the details and bless your marriage and provide what
the two of you need to live as husband and wife if you will be obedient
to His will and His plan for your life.

You want the blessings to come so you can be married
but God would have you get married so He can bless you.

How can God go against His own will?

How can God make a way for you when you are doing
life your own way and will not trust that His way is best.

Stop trying to figure it out and make the commitment that God
requires of those that would live together or be joined in a physical
relationship that God has reserved for marriage alone.

Do what God asks you to do so the two of you can be one before God and man
as He has declared it must be and He will bless you and make it work out
for your good.

Take the marriage vows before God and man and commit your
lives to Him so that He can bless you.

Quoted for truth

I am an example of this. My husband and I were engaged for five years before we finally stepped out in faith and got married. We were both homeless at the time of our marriage. Now, we have reasonable lodging and even pets to share our life with. God's blessings did not start until we decided we would finally get married anyway.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Quoted for truth

I am an example of this. My husband and I were engaged for five years before we finally stepped out in faith and got married. We were both homeless at the time of our marriage. Now, we have reasonable lodging and even pets to share our life with. God's blessings did not start until we decided we would finally get married anyway.

Wow, that's a very interesting and beautiful story! Thanks for sharing Nienna

 

[blackjellybean]

I don't have a job right now.

Is it feasible for you to have a job right now?

Are you looking for one?

Personally, I don't go to a church based on if they help me with my wedding bills or not, I go there for the theology and preaching of God's word.

Faith without works is dead, don't forget.

Look, if your church family won't support you in real world stuff, they're useless. Whether it's your wedding bill, or a family is struggling to make ends meet, or so on. I'd ask them. If I was in your congregation, I would totally help contribute financially so you guys could have a nice wedding and a place to yourselves, just saying. I'd rather my tithes went to something like that than a new sound system or so that the pastor could buy a European car. Not if you're leeching, no, but this is different.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Is it feasible for you to have a job right now?

Are you looking for one?




Faith without works is dead, don't forget.

Look, if your church family won't support you in real world stuff, they're useless. Whether it's your wedding bill, or a family is struggling to make ends meet, or so on. I'd ask them. If I was in your congregation, I would totally help contribute financially so you guys could have a nice wedding and a place to yourselves, just saying. I'd rather my tithes went to something like that than a new sound system or so that the pastor could buy a European car. Not if you're leeching, no, but this is different.

Currently, I'm not. My fiance is still set on a May 2013 date and I will begin looking for one in LA around January.

That is very true.

My church does have a benevolence fund (which we have an annual fundraiser for) and missionaries. Also, there are several families at my church that prepare wedding feasts for couples. That is very nice of you to say, thank you.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[conniety]

This is a hard economy. An established accounting firm is unlikely to offer a full-time position to an unproven new graduate. It may be that you two need some financial management classes to teach you to learn to live on a tight budget. Then he can take less than ideal employment and you can supplement it as you are able.
sencart - long satin bridesmaid dresses

 

[Sketcher]

Gideon123,
I definitely agree with you. Thanks for your suggestions!

It's not the wedding funds that we are worried about though (its going to be a small wedding and my parents are paying for the few expenses that we will have), its just the funds for living as a married couple. He lives in LA and apartments are extremely expensive out there.

In Christ,
Moriah

So you're not sure where he is going to be working/living?

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Another thing to consider is if his career objective doesn't require him to live in a particular area, moving to an area with a lower cost of living.

I live in an area where it is possible to live on federal minimum wage and still have money for extras, as long as there is a combined 50-60 hours a week. My rent and utilities is about $500 a month. And it's possible to get more money here on just an Associate's Degree. That's because we still have adults who can't read where I live. There are jobs available here, however you would need to be able to drive. I can't which is one of the reasons I don't have work. But if you have graduated high school and can drive then that's more than a lot of people here.

 

[SplendidTree]

I immediately thought while reading the OP that perhaps it is just not in God's timing right now. It doesn't mean it never will be and a lot of great advice has been given. I believe if you trust in Him and put Him first in all you do, it will work out.

Have peace knowing that no matter what the outcome is, God is always there and knows best.