We need to get married, but financially can't...

[MissMoriah31]

To my brothers and sisters in Christ,
I feel as though I am stuck in a situation with no 'best' option...all are stressful in one way or another.

Here is my dilemma: My Fiance and I have been engaged for 8 months, all of which have been both wonderful and full of many different struggles.

Emotionally, physically, spiritually, we are READY to be married on this very day (and have been for quite some time now)....but financially, it is impossible...or so he (my fiance) says.

This very issue has caused me so much emotional grief...and we have had many heated arguments because of this.

I feel like our situation is as complicated as it gets...and worse!

Our main issue is that we have been together for over 2 years and physically we are continually struggling. Though we have never been with each other, we have done things that we regret, and it makes us both feel very guilty. On top of that, because of the tension, we slip in to doing things on our own, which only piles on the guilt even further.

I am 20 years old, and he is almost 23, and we are both in college. He is studying to be an accountant and is recruiting right now with firms (for jobs that will start Fall 2013) and will be finished with school in Fall of this year. I, on the other hand, am not 100% positive with what I want to do but am currently finding an interest in graphic design.

He feels as though we would not be able to make it right now financially, so we have to wait until May 2013 to get married...and even then, if by March we do not have the finances to do it, we have to push the wedding back.
...This whole situation is just confusing to me. We make a date, it gets pushed back...I get upset, it gets pushed SLIGHTLY forward, then he gets mad because he thinks we can't make it financially, and I cave in to his later date to calm the peace....but then I feel emotionally and physically stressed again and it goes on and on.

Currently, he is living in the guest house that is attached to his mom's house. We at one point thought it would be a good idea to just get married earlier and live there, but his younger brother is psychotic (literally), so we both wouldn't feel comfortable if I was living there while his brother is.

I have asked God so many times to help us physically, so we can make it until our later date, but we always end up failing in some way. So I ask God to help us with our finances and with changing our situation in some way so that we will be able to get married now...but for 8 months, nothing has changed.

Originally, we were getting married THIS september, but he didn't end up getting a full time offer last year from his recruiting, so he extended his graduation and is trying again this year to start the following fall.

I just don't know how we are supposed to do this...we are stuck in the middle of what seems like an impossible situation. Lately, I have just gotten more and more emotional, and he has just gotten more and more mad.


...I hope that this isn't too long, I just felt like a little information was required because of the situation being so complicated. I really appreciate all prayers and advice.

Thank you all.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[Pal Handy]

Take out a marriage license and get a pastor to marry you and God
will honor your commitment to Him because you are willing to go God's way instead of
following your own ways.

God will work out the details and bless your marriage and provide what
the two of you need to live as husband and wife if you will be obedient
to His will and His plan for your life.

You want the blessings to come so you can be married
but God would have you get married so He can bless you.

How can God go against His own will?

How can God make a way for you when you are doing
life your own way and will not trust that His way is best.

Stop trying to figure it out and make the commitment that God
requires of those that would live together or be joined in a physical
relationship that God has reserved for marriage alone.

Do what God asks you to do so the two of you can be one before God and man
as He has declared it must be and He will bless you and make it work out
for your good.

Take the marriage vows before God and man and commit your
lives to Him so that He can bless you.

 

[BFine]

If the finances aren't right and the two of you can't afford your own place to live
and be reasonably comfortable--then don't get married yet.

The real problem seems to be that you two aren't setting up safe boundaries so
you won't fall into temptation. Self control is needed....so work on that.
Stop playing the lets see how far we can go (intimately) without actually having sex...
doing that isn't being considerate of your bf/gf's feelings or to their Christian testimony. Flee temptation-- it's in the Bible, stop pushing each others buttons
and shuffling marriage date. Take getting married off the table for now because
according to what you have shared in your post, you two aren't financially ready
for marriage-- having your own place, paying the standard monthly bills, buying groceries -- and if you both have cars-- there's the expense of that (doubled.)

Sit down with a financial planner or financial guide book-- write down all your monthly
expenses --ALL of them, don't forget to include entertainment and what you normally spend on personal shopping.
Make cutbacks where you can.
After all expenses are paid could you both live on what's left?

Make a plan to save money for renting an apartment(deposit, and at least 3 months rent.) Go by the average costs of stuff in your area.
Now, for this wedding-- what kind of wedding are you talking about?
Small but elegant, or are you wanting a storybook wedding that runs into thousands of
dollars?

When I got married in 2002, the total cost for my wedding was just under six hundred dollars. I had family to do the food items in lieu of gifts, my wedding dress was a lookalike prom dress that had been put on clearance for less than a hundred dollars...
the wedding and reception took place at a colonial style B & B. Since it had lots of floral wallpaper -- I decorated the staircase with wedding bows and used lots of candles (the place looked beautiful!) Instead of real flowers for my bouquet, I opted for artificial ones that the florist supply shop guy sprayed with a rose scent (the day before my wedding.) I had a ring bearer, flower-girl, maid of Honor etc and my elder brother walked me down the aisle. (Everybody wore their nicest clothes--so nobody
had to go in debt for formal apparel.)

 

[Pal Handy]

If the finances aren't right and the two of you can't afford your own place to live
and be reasonably comfortable--then don't get married yet.

Is Christ on the throne?
Does God give us the ten suggestions?

Wow.....

Is comfort is more important than God's plan?

Can these two afford to ignore God's plan for their blessing?

Dear op, God's way is always best but it is up to you to try His way
or continue in your own way.

I do not know of a single person that has honored God and done what is
good and acceptable before Him and found out later that they regretted going God's way.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Pal Handy and BFine, you both have great posts, but it leaves me confused. One person is saying get married, the other is saying to wait.

BFine, your point is so logical, but it is so difficult emotionally as well to wait that long. We live 1 1/2 hours from each other so we only see each other 1-2 times per week, 3 if we're lucky but its very costly on gas. Both of our love languages are physical touch too, so by not being close we feel very distraught. Not only that but we've already been with each other for nearly 2 years and 2 months...its difficult!

We've talked to our pastor before and he said he would feel comfortable marrying us this Summer because he feels like we're very mature for our age. However, he also agreed with my Fiance that he would feel uncomfortable getting married without his career starting yet.

I've tried to be optimistic about this situation, and at times I am...but it fades so quickly.

Pal Handy, I love your point. It made me think about how we are always asking God to change the situation for our own will, when in His word he clearly lays out that "it is better to marry than to burn". I have made this point to my Fiance so many times but he will not budge when it comes to finances, and obviously, it takes two to get married so that leaves me stuck again.

Thank you both for your responses.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[Pal Handy]

Pal Handy, I love your point. It made me think about how we are always asking God to change the situation for our own will, when in His word he clearly lays out that "it is better to marry than to burn". I have made this point to my Fiance so many times but he will not budge when it comes to finances, and obviously, it takes two to get married so that leaves me stuck again.

Thank you both for your responses.

In Christ,
Moriah

No premarital sex...

Honor God by ending any sexual intimacy.

The reason I told you to marry is that you implied
that you have been living as husband and wife by entering into
a sexual relationship with each other so if you cannot refrain from premarital sex, then marry.

You must make your stand as your fiancee has made his stand.
He has based his stand for monetary reasons but you can base
your decision to stop the premarital sex on God's will and desire for your life.

Talk to him and tell him all the heavy stuff is over and that you will honor God by
doing what He has declared as good and acceptable in His sight as
you seek to honor Him so that He can honor and bless the two of you.

 

[MissMoriah31]

I didn't mean to cause a debate here. However, two things come to mind for me from each of your posts....

BFine, you say to flee temptation. I know that the Bible says that God gives us a way out when we are being tempted...so is marriage not God's "way out" of sexual temptation?

Pal Handy, you said "Can these two afford to ignore God's plan for their blessing?" and I ask you, are we not blessed by God already by Christ's works?

 

[Shane R]

This is a hard economy. An established accounting firm is unlikely to offer a full-time position to an unproven new graduate. It may be that you two need some financial management classes to teach you to learn to live on a tight budget. Then he can take less than ideal employment and you can supplement it as you are able.

If paying for the actual wedding is a challenge, things can happen. I was part of a church once where a couple desired to marry but they had no extra money at all. One member gave them money for the marriage license. The minister offered his parsonage as a sight for the wedding. Several people collaborated on putting together a wedding supper for them. It was months before she got a ring, a simple band, but they were married.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Pal Handy, My Fiance and I have not had sex, and we stand strong on the point of not doing that until we are married. We have struggled a little though, and it makes me feel really guilty.

I think my point to both you and BFine is that, it feels impossible for us to stop doing what we have done so far. We even pray before our dates sometimes (and it does work, sometimes), and I pray everyday that the Lord will help us to not go further and to not do any of what we have been doing. My argument is that I don't want to do what is wrong but find it difficult not to go that direction (think of Romans 7:15-20).

In Christ,
Moriah

No premarital sex...
Honor God by ending any sexual intimacy.

The reason I told you to marry is that you implied
that you have been living as husband and wife by entering into
the a sexual relationship, so if you cannot refrain from premarital sex, then marry.

You must make your stand as your fiancee has made his stand.
He has based his stand for monetary reasons but you can base
your decision to stop the premarital sex on God's will and desire for your life.

Talk to him and tell him all the heavy stuff is over and that you will honor God by
doing what He has declared as good and acceptable in His sight as
you seek to honor Him so that He can honor and bless the two of you.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Shanethetheologian, thank you so much for your post!
I don't know how it is in other cities but in LA the firms recruit with the schools to find new hires. Many of his friends got full time offers last year going for large firms. He tried going for smaller firms and didn't get anything because of the limited positions, however, this year he is doing the same that his friends did.
I think that you have great advice here though. I will talk to him about taking a class for budgeting.

The story about that couple is truly heartwarming. My parents are willing to pay for the wedding, but I want a very small wedding anyways, only family and a few close friends from church.

I know the assistant pastor at my church just got married too (he's 28 I think) and they can't afford to live on their own due to student loans so him and his wife live in a guest house for free. I wish we could do the same.

In Christ,
Moriah


By the way, where was it that the couple was living if they didn't have any money?
I know two other couples that are young and don't have a lot of money and they are getting married but I don't know where they will be living or how they will make it.

This is a hard economy. An established accounting firm is unlikely to offer a full-time position to an unproven new graduate. It may be that you two need some financial management classes to teach you to learn to live on a tight budget. Then he can take less than ideal employment and you can supplement it as you are able.

If paying for the actual wedding is a challenge, things can happen. I was part of a church once where a couple desired to marry but they had no extra money at all. One member gave them money for the marriage license. The minister offered his parsonage as a sight for the wedding. Several people collaborated on putting together a wedding supper for them. It was months before she got a ring, a simple band, but they were married.

 

[Pal Handy]

I didn't mean to cause a debate here. However, two things come to mind for me from each of your posts....

BFine, you say to flee temptation. I know that the Bible says that God gives us a way out when we are being tempted...so is marriage not God's "way out" of sexual temptation?

Pal Handy, you said "Can these two afford to ignore God's plan for their blessing?" and I ask you, are we not blessed by God already by Christ's works?

Yes we are blessed in Christ but if we know that it is wrong to
enter into premarital sex and then continue to do what we know is wrong,
God cannot be held responsible for the things that we do that are outside
of His will for our lives.

Those that obey God will find that His plans and ways lead us to blessing
but when we choose to do life our way, we will find that the outcome
will not end in the blessings that God intended us to have.

If your pastor has told you that you should be married this summer (now)
then why do you or your fiancee resist?

Living together is not marriage but entering into the marriage covenant
by taking the vows before God, each other and witnesses is marriage.

You could still go on being under separate roofs but you would be free to
be husband and wife and enjoy your love for each other whenever you do get together.

God honors those that honor Him.

We have every blessing (potentially) in Christ but God will not go against His
own will, purpose and plan for your life as you resist His plans.

God's way=blessings.
Man's ways=death, destruction, disappointment and regret.

It is up to you to choose so pray and ask God to give you His peace when
your thoughts are upon His will for your life so you can get out from under
the guilt and shame you feel when you do life your way.

When do we start surrendering to God?
When do we learn that His way is best?

If we never trust that God's way is best, how will we ever see the good
results He will bring when we follow His way over our own desires.

Pray...seek God and ask Him to make it clear to you and your fiancee
what you should do and ask Him to give you the strength you need to carry
His will for your life to completion.

God will show you the way if you are willing to do what He wants
instead of doing life your way.

1 Samuel 2:30
for those who honor Me I will honor, and those who despise Me shall be lightly esteemed.

John 5:44
44 How is it possible for you to believe [how can you learn to believe],
you who [are content to seek and] receive praise and honor and glory from one another,
and yet do not seek the praise and honor and glory which come from Him Who alone is God?

 

[BFine]

@Pal Handy

I'm offering advice to the OP,
I know very well God is on the throne and etc.
I also know far too many young married folks who have rushed into things
and financially ruined themselves (and yes, they are Christians) who are now
divorced because they didn't sit down and count the cost.

I got a reminder of that when my nephew married and then a couple yrs. later his wife left the marriage for greener fields...yes, they both are Christians. My nephew got slapped with having to pay his former wife a six-figure settlement because of the catering business and home they shared with his parents...All this was entered into with lots of prayer etc.
Things went sideways...my nephew's wife divorced him and got awarded handsomely financially-- he and his parents had to re-mortgage to pay her off.
My nephew has spent the last several years having to work 2 full time jobs to pay down that large share of debt he incurred. I know the Lord helps and I'm sure He
helped my nephew to have good business etc. so he could make the big bucks to pay that huge debt down so he could eventually stop working two full time jobs.

There's nothing wrong with having some money saved up to pay for
your own place to live and foot the bill for your wedding...or even having an emergency fund.
I was comfortable when I got married-- meaning we had food to eat,
a car and a place to live-- simple but comfortable.
Young marrieds that I know of aren't ready to handle the other side of married life
--which is having money enough so one can live and eat decent food and have health
insurance etc.

I grew up in extreme poverty in NC...so I know how to survive -
a lot of folks didn't grow up without a car, electricity or money...we did.
Those today are use to having stuff instantly, they have always had easy access
to transportation, electricity, food etc.

I know God help me/us but He also gave me a brain to use and it is biblical
to be prepared for "battle(s)" in whatever form they may come in.

Your advice is just as sound.
I/we here have been bombarded it seems by folks who are suffering financially
and our church is having to say "no." At this time my church can offer one time
financial help and if more people lose their jobs it's not going to be pretty-- that's all I can say.
Oh, my husband was dismissed from his job yesterday(Monday.)

 

[BFine]

Yes, marriage can be a way to flee from temptation.

It is also wise to have a good plan in place if the two of you can't afford
to have your own place yet.
Are your parents willing to support the two of you if you do marry in a few months
for example?

 

[Pal Handy]

When do we begin trusting in God?

Do we trust Him when we have amassed our own wealth and resources or
do we begin to trust in Him when we have the choice before us?

I cannot speak to why those who married without finacial resources
and then when they came into money (six figure settlement) failed.

We know their failure was not money related (six figure settlement).

Perhaps they did not surrender their lives to God in Christ fully
but based their decisions in life on other considerations.

I agree that op should not rush into marriage and they should
prepare for it finacially and especially spiritually but they need to honor God
by refraining from premarital sex or by marrying
if they want to walk in God's blessings and plans for their lives.

Their pastor told them to get married so perhaps he knows them better than we do.

There is no other choice but either marriage or refraining from premarital sex.

So the op needs to pray and ask God for the proper course to take
and to ask God to provide the means to carry out His plan for their lives.

God bless you Bfine

 

[MissMoriah31]

Pal Handy and BFine,
God Bless you both for your wonderful advice. I will take all that you have said and pray about it and read God's word. I know that the Lord will help my fiance and I make a decision about this situation.

By the way, I have mentioned the idea of us getting married but living separately until we can afford it and coming together when we are able, but he doesn't think that that is a marriage.

In Christ,
Moriah

 

[Pal Handy]

Pal Handy and BFine,
God Bless you both for your wonderful advice.
I will take all that you have said and pray about it and read God's word.
I know that the Lord will help my fiance and I make a decision about this situation.

By the way, I have mentioned the idea of us getting married but living separately until
we can afford it and coming together when we are able, but he doesn't think that that is a marriage.

In Christ,
Moriah

Show him what isn't marriage also by keeping yourself pure before God.

May God bless you two and bring you into His every blessing for your lives.

 

[BFine]

Thanks Pal Handy!

My nephew married young-- he and his bride went in together with his parents
so they could have a home and start their catering business.
(We live in Canada and stuff here is high.)

They bought a home that was large enough for two families and part of the home was
their catering business. Everybody was working and doing good.

When my nephew's wife left and divorce ensued...the court look at the total assets and then they divided it into equal parts-- since they couldn't sell the home, all of them agreed to the refinancing so they could buy out the nephew's wife share-- that is how she walked away with cash because of the value of the home and business (it's all estimated etc.) My nephew and his parents get to pay back the bank for many years to come.

 

[MissMoriah31]

Great point! I will try my best and ask for the Lord's strength - only He can help me!

Thank you so much sir, you've been a great help to me.

In Christ,
Moriah

Show him what isn't marriage also by keeping yourself pure before God.

May God bless you two and bring you into His every blessing for your lives.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

If it helps you feel better the women I am engaged to who lives in the Phillipines. We have yet to visit each other because neither of us has alot of money. And benng disabled my mother has to go with me if I go visit her there. So I have to save up about $6500 for a trip, passports, luggage, botteled water...etc (tickets are expensive during the summer).We've been a couple for over 7 months now. So its hard because we just want to be with each other. BUt it could take me about another 2 years to save that much money. And even after we meet I have to bring her here on a fiance vica which takes about a year plus another $2500 or so.

We've talked about everything as a couple including having to wait, distance, money...etc and we vowed to not leave each other for any reason like most do. And since we've been praying to God for help we hav hads lots of things work out for us. I just prayed this morning again that God would help us save some more money and not even 4 hours later I got an email from someone who wants to give me $600 for something I own that I am selling.

I can't say it enough but prayer, patience and faith will get you through it. To many think everything should happen on their time, we often forget things happen in Gods time.

Oh and as for sex, pray for strength to fight any temptation that happens between the two of you. Both me and my fiance messed up wth past people we were with. We refuse to make that mistake again and are remaining pure until we marry to show God we can do it!

 

[Pal Handy]

Thanks Pal Handy!

My nephew married young-- he and his bride went in together with his parents
so they could have a home and start their catering business.
(We live in Canada and stuff here is high.)

They bought a home that was large enough for two families and part of the home was
their catering business. Everybody was working and doing good.

When my nephew's wife left and divorce ensued...the court look at the total assets and then they divided it into equal parts-- since they couldn't sell the home, all of them agreed to the refinancing so they could buy out the nephew's wife share-- that is how she walked away with cash because of the value of the home and business (it's all estimated etc.) My nephew and his parents get to pay back the bank for many years to come.

Divorce happens because one or the other partner has hardened their heart
toward God and so the end result is that their heart becomes hardened
toward the very person that God has given them for their blessing.

Christ must be allowed to be the third strand in a the cord that
is not easily broken called marriage if we are to keep our hearts
open and willing before God and keep our hearts open to love our marriage partner.

Being a Christian means surrendering our life,
our thoughts and our hearts to the one who surrendered Himself to us
completely and so lovingly upon the cross that we all deserved.

I have been married for 33 years and it has only been Christ as
the thrid person in our marriage that has kept us together and taught us how to walk
in the commitment of a selfless love that is not based in our feelings or
in our self seeking gratification but is based on Christ's own selfless love for us.

I owe all to Jesus who somehow got through my pride and selfishness
and taught me the meaning of true love through His example of love for me
that was given to me freely and completely even when I failed, stumbled and fell flat on my face.

To him that is forgiven much, loves much.