We had a fight.

[jacquidube]

Me and my husband had a fight 2 nights ago and it got quite physical (just shoving and pushing)
He pushed me with his head out of the main bedroom. His head was in the side of my ribs and he pushed me with such force I hit my back and my arm on the wall. When I woke the next day the bruising was very large. It looked horrendous (it still does)
He plays rugby and it looked like he was in a tackle with the other side when he was pushing me.
When he came home from work the next night he asked me who had done that to my arm. I said it was him and he just said "when did I do that" He doesn't recognise what he has done to me.
Why would he say he never did it when he knows what he did on the night of the fight.
I feel stupid and now I am afraid to mention it to anyone.

 

[krispar]

I'm sorry that he did this to you! Darned fights anyway! I don't have any help of advice, just sympathy. Was he drinking or something that might impair his memory and make him physical? I'm sorry

 

[pegatha]

Has it ever gotten physical before, or is this something unheard of that just came out of the blue?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Call the police and get a restraining order! This type of abusive behavior only escalates.

 

[Million Pieces]

Oh, he remembers. He knows every moment of what happened. But if he can plant a seed of doubt in YOUR mind, then he's off the hook. Conveniently faulty memory is no excuse. YOU remember, and that's all the matters.

I agree with Autumn, you need to get the law behind you. It might be the only authority he will understand, and the only way for you to stay safe.

 

[Tuffguy]

Were you also being physical? Who started the physical part? What i mean by that, is this.... did he push you off him?
If it was all his fault, go to your church elder and have him consulted. I wouldn't get the law involved unless you where ready for divorce and have the Biblical backing for it.

 

[Digit]

Me and my husband had a fight 2 nights ago and it got quite physical (just shoving and pushing)
He pushed me with his head out of the main bedroom. His head was in the side of my ribs and he pushed me with such force I hit my back and my arm on the wall. When I woke the next day the bruising was very large. It looked horrendous (it still does)
He plays rugby and it looked like he was in a tackle with the other side when he was pushing me.
When he came home from work the next night he asked me who had done that to my arm. I said it was him and he just said "when did I do that" He doesn't recognise what he has done to me.
Why would he say he never did it when he knows what he did on the night of the fight.
I feel stupid and now I am afraid to mention it to anyone.

I've never experienced this, but to be honest I feel that as soon as it gets physical in a fight, there is a real issue and it needs to be headed off before it deteriates. In addition, a question, do you really believe that he doesn't remember doing that to you?

If so, then there may be another issue. I'm not really an expert in this area, but it could be a mental condition or something akin to it, where he truly doesn't remember it happening. Like I said, don't take my word for it, but I've heard of similar conditions. Anyhow, the one thing I do know is that you definitely need to get this issue out in the open and you both need to acknowledge it, and address it as a problem.

Cheers!
Digit

 

[c1ners]

Jacqui, can you buy a plane ticket to the states and come live with me? My husband is a grump, but he wouldn't dare lay a hand on either of us. Besides, think of all the FUN we could have! You could teach me how to put on makeup, and I in return will take you to the beach for a weekend getaway.

Seriously though sweetheart. You know in your heart of hearts that getting phyical is wrong. If an arguement is getting out of hand, one of you needs to walk away. Yes, he should take responibility for what he's done, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. When you are both calmer, sit down and talk to him about it. Apologize for your part, and demand that he apologize for his.

Then pack your bags and come visit me! We would have a blast!

 

[SabrinaFair]

I would take photos of the bruising and document it in case it becomes a part of a larger problem. His lack of repentance for causing you physical harm is a red flag.

These fights tend to escalate as time goes on. Fighting is not an effective form of communication or resolution, and does not help the relationship. You and he really need to get some counseling now to learn some healthier communication skills so that things don't get worse.

Start changing now, before you have to get a restraining order.

 

[jacquidube]

I would take photos of the bruising and document it in case it becomes a part of a larger problem. His lack of repentance for causing you physical harm is a red flag.

These fights tend to escalate as time goes on. Fighting is not an effective form of communication or resolution, and does not help the relationship. You and he really need to get some counseling now to learn some healthier communication skills so that things don't get worse.

Start changing now, before you have to get a restraining order.

I have taken photos but not sure why really.

 

[jacquidube]

Has it ever gotten physical before, or is this something unheard of that just came out of the blue?

Yes, but that was about 2 years ago and since rededicating his life to Christ he has never touched me since (well not physically) so I would say its definately not out of the blue. I was just alarmed.

 

[jacquidube]

Were you also being physical? Who started the physical part? What i mean by that, is this.... did he push you off him?
If it was all his fault, go to your church elder and have him consulted. I wouldn't get the law involved unless you where ready for divorce and have the Biblical backing for it.

Yes I was also being physical. I told him I hated him because he was mean to me and it started from there. He wanted to watch a movie in the bedroom so that meant I wasnt allowed in. He tried to push me out when I wanted to enter because I needed the mirror but he wouldn't let me have it and then he pushed me with his head and I held onto his hair because it hurt and he wouldn't let go of me so I didn't let go of him (he is 19 stone and I am 8 stone) so he is alot stronger than I. While I had hold of his hair I pulled a dreadlock out and now he is holding onto it just in case he needs evidence. Its rediculous really. So maybe it was my fault and I should of stayed out of the room.

He didn't push me off him as he had hold of me round the waist and he went for me with great force. I had no chance as I was already going for the wall and as soon as I hit the wall he let go.

He has since apologised as he said it was his fault. I have had to hide my bruising just in case people ask how I did it.

 

[jacquidube]

Jacqui, can you buy a plane ticket to the states and come live with me? My husband is a grump, but he wouldn't dare lay a hand on either of us. Besides, think of all the FUN we could have! You could teach me how to put on makeup, and I in return will take you to the beach for a weekend getaway.

Seriously though sweetheart. You know in your heart of hearts that getting phyical is wrong. If an arguement is getting out of hand, one of you needs to walk away. Yes, he should take responibility for what he's done, but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. When you are both calmer, sit down and talk to him about it. Apologize for your part, and demand that he apologize for his.

Then pack your bags and come visit me! We would have a blast!

I may take you up on that offer c1ners. I am desperate.

 

[c1ners]

I may take you up on that offer c1ners. I am desperate.

My door is always open sweetheart, and you are always more than welcome!

Edited to add: PM me if you need to talk. Love ya sis!

 

[SabrinaFair]

I have taken photos but not sure why really.

It is good to have some evidence in case you ever need to get a restraining order and he contests it.

 

[LadySaint]

Please find a local Godly marriage counselor who can help you. No husband or wife should ever lay a hand on their spouse in a hurtful way.
If your husband has a pattern of abusing you, then you need to keep it documented so if legal action is needed. No women should stay in an abusive situation and I know many do cause of fear of living on their own.
My hubby is bigger than me and I don't even play wrestle with him cause I know even being playful I could get hurt & it's not worth it.

 

[JadeFox]

Okay.. um.. WHY was he using his HEAD to push you out of the room? Was he drunk or high?

 

[Lee_Lee]

This is a really difficult one to respond to...situations like this tend to get worse and worse, especially if he is not acknowledging that what he did is a bad thing...It may start being once a year, then once every few months, then once a month etc etc....

But to put it in perspective you don't want to go crazy about what may happen in the future....You do however need to remove yourself from the situation and living with him at this point- you need to go and stay with a friend or relative for a few weeks....and consult someone at your church about the situation BUT ALSO a professional counsellor for individual counselling and couples counselling.....then slowly reintergrate yourself back into the house....maybe start by staying a weekend etc etc...

I think the time apart will do three things- 1/ make him realise the seriousness of the situation, 2/ Make him accountable for his actions and thus help him acknowledge he did something wrong.....this acknowledgement is the first step to change 3/ it will bring some counsel and church friends/support into the situation so that he is accountable to someone out side the house for his behaviour towards you....

Look this is only ADVICE from 1/ my personal family experience and 2/ my study/work professional background. Please feel free to take it or leave it BUT do not for a min. think that this is not very serious and something significant must be done immediately....If it is not there is a very real chance that years down the track this could become a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship the signs are there....so it is better to put in communication plans and strategies in now to prevent future issues........

-LeeLee

 

[Jilly123]

I agree with Tuffguy, I think before you even think about getting the law involved both of you need to get some counseling from your church elders.

Although the law my help in the physical sense it can't change a person, only God can. I think you both definitely need to speak to your pastor.

I'll be praying for you

 

[faerieevaH]

There are two possible explenations:

a. he does not recognise his own strength
b. he is denying (even to himself) that he has done that. People who are abusers have a tendency to do that. They will deny what happened even to people who were there to see it. I've heard my father deny touching me barely half an hour after he had squeezed my wrist till it bruised. And I am sure that he actually believed his own lie.

Put those pictures in a safe place and keep them. Preferably have your bruises confirmed by a doctor. And speak with him about couples therapy now. If he refuses, consider your options very carefully and prepare mentally for the possibility that you might be in an abusive relationship and will have to get out...