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[PeacefulRivers]

My post is so long... I apologize.

My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years (he's 32 and I'm 27). We're both Christians but we've certainly struggled in our marriage.

From the start we've hit rough patches. A week before we got married he opened up to tell me about his sexual past. Sadly, I was too caught in the thought of "I can't cancel the wedding now to take time to process this!" So I followed through and figured I would deal with it later. My fiancé assured me he would be an open book and I could come to him at any time when I felt I needed reassurance or had a question.

That never happened.

On our honeymoon I noticed he had zero sex drive which shocked me because we had waited till marriage to have sex (I had never had sex before and he had multiple partners in his lifetime). He brushed it off as stress and life went on. After noticing this hadn't changed in months (including the inability to get aroused) I gently asked if he was sure it was stress? After all things were going good.

Soon thereafter my insecurities crept up and I went to him (assuming the open book policy was in place because we hadn't discussed it since a week before the wedding) but he refused to talk to me about his past only fueling my insecurities.

-We've been through counseling 3 times for our struggle with commmnicating about his past.
- We had SO much family drama with his parents and siblings getting involved and telling us that we are not meeting their expectations on how often we visit, etc.
- My husband discovered he has low Testosterone and FINALLY was put on a medication that is working (sadly my sex drive is almost non existent because I was rejected so many times I got hurt by it and stopped initiating).
- We had a baby a year ago.
-Found out my husband is now infertile due to the medication he took.

All of this plus a million small side details. Then, earlier this year my husband says he found a part time Administrative position at a local church and he applied for it. I stressed to him how I feel it's necessary we work on our marriage before we go into any church with a leadership position. We had left our old church and I was ready to attend church with my husband for once (as he was always involved with serving and honestly we hadn't sat through a church service together for 7 months.

My husband got the position and was a little more than upset when I didn't share his excitement. I said I'd give it a try BUT I still wanted help for our marriage because we still haven't fixed that. Here we are, 6 months later and nothing. As a matter of fact he's so busy wth his full time job and part time job (at the church) plus member expectations of serving, its leaving less time for me and our son. I feel my voice carries little weight. I asked if we could go on vacation as a family but church responsibilities take over and we can only go during the week.

I am not being fed spiritually by the pastor (neither is my husband) and yesterday my husband said he feels that we are there to minister to the people. I can't do it anymore... I told him I'm hurt and broken and I am not in the position to minister to anyone right now. I know it's probably not right but I feel maybe it's time I step away for a few months and take time to heal. Any words of wisdom?

 

[RaymondG]

Are you getting your healing by stepping away from the church or your family? If it is only the church, why do you feel this will help in your healing, when it hasnt before you started this new church?

 

[PeacefulRivers]

Thank you for your questions... they're causing me to think about the intent.

My debate for stepping away was that so much is required of us as my husband is a leader in the church and it's causing frustration towards my husband. For instance, he met with a young man in our small group yesterday to counsel him as he had broken up with a girlfriend and has been struggling. My husband then asked me to reach out to the girlfriend and offer her wisdom on their situation but having my husband ignore my plea for him to help our own marriage has me broken and not in a position to offer help.

I just feel like I can't "put on the face" any longer. I'm on the verge of tears daily and it's all I can do to hold it together because my husband is a pastor.

Stepping away likely would catch my husband's attention but wouldn't fix anything.

 

[Endeavourer]

If this continues on, you WILL fall completely out of love with your husband.

Being trapped in a marriage without love is nightmarish, and if your convictions won't let you divorce, it becomes an indescribable dryness in your bones. Yes, that verse is true. :-(

You are VERY wise to have noticed the problem and looking for a way to fix it. So, the time to take action is now. That's the easy decision. The hard decision is...what action????

Here are some great links for your situation.

The Giver & Taker
The Love Bank
The Policy of Joint Agreement

What do you think of this information?

 

[mkgal1]

I don't have any advice for you...but this may resonate a lot with you (as your story sounds so much like Geri's):

 

[Jane_Doe]

I'm assuming you've talked to your husband about your feelings of neglect. How did that conversation go?
Your previous times in counseling: do you feel like they were helpful in building communication between you two? Why or why not?

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi PeacefulRivers. I am so sorry you're going through this trial. I have been in a slightly similar situation. Only slightly but I hope what I've learned can help.

Keep trying to talk to your husband about your concerns, your longing, and your pain. Gently. Sometimes the only way to be gentle about those types of concerns that have been brought up already repeatedly in different ways is to write it in a card from time to time when you are unheard. It seems formal for a married couple and at the same time incredibly impersonal. But a long letter written within a card that expresses your love and your concerns is a way to give him something that does not need repeating so often because he can always go back and read it. True, he may choose not to do so very often. But you know that everything that needs to be said is always accessible to him without you having to remind it to him over and over. And your affirmation of love is there. Please forgive the overly simple approach but love letters between married couples date back to Song of Solomon and further back, I'm sure.

Also, unresolved issues are so deep-rooted within him as a lover (as many men - tho not all - find their identity and thus their vulnerability in sexual performance), within him as a validated man who can find fulfillment within himself through leadership as well as in job performance, from his past, within your marriage, and now within yourself due to the excessive rejection. And of all the issues within everything identified and unidentified, the only part that you have to work on successfully without anybody delaying you is yourself - taking it a day at a time working on you with private devotion in Christ with your Bible wide open in your prayer closet. And that may not seem like it helps anything that goes on between you and your husband. But over time, you can see that there will be change one way or another. In many ways but sometimes less often than rarely, you'll see the Lord bringing your husband to a place where he will have to humble himself.

People used to love to remind me that I can't change my husband. And through all my heartbreak, I learned that fact to be very bad news for my husband. Because God's Word does say, "He that humbles himself will be exalted. And he who exalts himself will be humbled." He may not look like he's exalting himself (certainly not in ways many people can exalt themselves). But when we refuse to come out of our plan to honor God and secondly our spouse with self-denial, it's certainly not humble behavior.

So, do what you can. Do that part that will make you not feel defeated. Surrender every part of yourself to God in His Word and in prayer, in productive projects, and even in utilizing your place at your church to be a light to someone else. If you cannot minister to that girlfriend about relationships at this time, you can certainly minister to her about Christ. And if relationships is her focus, give her a good resource in Christ - even if it is outside that church. That may mean getting another married woman or few who are grounded in Christ and probably older as mentors. Someone to turn to for prayers, counsel, and backup for giving advice to another.

Focusing on your own growth doesn't mean that will be your only focus always. Pray, follow God's direction, and even gently pursue further resolution. But probably the best time your husband will finally listen to you will be when the Lord shakes some things up around him that will get his attention. Meanwhile, get some good teaching from good teachers supplementally - as you, again, spend quality time with the Lord in private devotion regularly. On youtube, I love listening to Francis Chan, Paul Washer, Sandeep/Santosh/Sanjay Poonen and their dad Zac Poonen. Seeking God's uncompromised Word in every teaching/sermon, I've been able to find good teaching. And allow church fellowship to be an opportunity to go enjoy worship with other believers while also being instrumental in others' growth and allowing even the most seemingly insignificant sister to be instrumental for you too.

I'm suggesting this as a result of painful events that have gradually been turning around as well as women who have shared their pain and triumphs with me. When I look back, it has been a journey. After 22 years of marriage, I've grown from where I was. And like you, I came into the marriage as a believer and had some incredibly incredibly incredibly horribly demanding in-laws, who have backed off quite significantly tho they waited almost 2 full decades to do it. Yet God is faithful. That is what you can be encouraged about.

 

[PeacefulRivers]

I don't have any advice for you...but this may resonate a lot with you (as your story sounds so much like Geri's):

Thank you for this... it sums up how I've felt lately.

 

[PeacefulRivers]

If this continues on, you WILL fall completely out of love with your husband.

Being trapped in a marriage without love is nightmarish, and if your convictions won't let you divorce, it becomes an indescribable dryness in your bones. Yes, that verse is true. :-(

You are VERY wise to have noticed the problem and looking for a way to fix it. So, the time to take action is now. That's the easy decision. The hard decision is...what action????

Here are some great links for your situation.

The Giver & Taker
The Love Bank
The Policy of Joint Agreement

What do you think of this information?

Thank you for these resources. As I'm reading the love bank, it sounded identical to a Conversation my husband and I had. He told me that he had felt as if he withdrew too much out of my bank and he realized it was time to begin making deposits again. It was a wonderful, honest conversation which excited me to see that he got it!! Sadly that was a year ago and since then life has only become even more busy and very little has changed in our marriage.

 

[PeacefulRivers]

I'm assuming you've talked to your husband about your feelings of neglect. How did that conversation go?
Your previous times in counseling: do you feel like they were helpful in building communication between you two? Why or why not?

We've had many conversations over the years but little seems to come of it. As I posted in a previous comment, it seems that something new always comes up (this past year it's the pastor position) and I feel it creates less time for us, it makes a bigger distance between us and often times leaves me feeling like I get crumbs for leftovers in our marriage.

 

[Almost there]

Love is a decision. Love is an action. God does not love us because of who we are, but because of who he is. Likewise, I don't love my wife because she deserves it. I love her because I committed to do just that until death do us part. And here is the great part: She made the same commitment.

The key, though, is this: Everyone gives you reasons to love them - and to hate them. When you marry someone, you have made the commitment to do the former. What this means is that if you fall "out of love" with a person, it is on you, not them. The good news is that when you honor your commitment, prayerfully, it becomes oddly easy.

I learned all of this with my ex-wife, who, regardless of what I was doing, finally wanted out - (after 20 years and three kids) - without cause. She just didn't "love" me any more. BTW, our libido problem was the opposite of yours, and the typical condition in American culture.

My current wife of just under 20 years is reaping the benefits of what I learned, and I'm reaping the benefits of her having learned and applied the same thing. And often, when you "love the hell out of them", you may be surpirsed not only how your feelings change about them, but theirs change about you.

Check out the movie, "Fireproof". It may be just a movie, but that message is iron clad.

 

[Jane_Doe]

We've had many conversations over the years but little seems to come of it. As I posted in a previous comment, it seems that something new always comes up (this past year it's the pastor position) and I feel it creates less time for us, it makes a bigger distance between us and often times leaves me feeling like I get crumbs for leftovers in our marriage.

One thing I do for my marriage is to have pre-slated "hang out with husband time". I can work as much as my crazy job needs me during the week, but on the weekends it's Husband's Time and there's no work. Obviously for you family you'll pick a different time slot, but the principle is the same.

 

[mkgal1]

Thank you for this... it sums up how I've felt lately.

The one thing I believe that video answers--that you were wondering about--is that pretending and ignoring your instincts that you just can't attend church with him right now isn't the "wrong thing to do". It may just be what the two of you need (yourself especially).

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi PeacefulRivers. I am so sorry you're going through this trial. I have been in a slightly similar situation. Only slightly but I hope what I've learned can help.

Keep trying to talk to your husband about your concerns, your longing, and your pain. Gently. Sometimes the only way to be gentle about those types of concerns that have been brought up already repeatedly in different ways is to write it in a card from time to time when you are unheard. It seems formal for a married couple and at the same time incredibly impersonal. But a long letter written within a card that expresses your love and your concerns is a way to give him something that does not need repeating so often because he can always go back and read it. True, he may choose not to do so very often. But you know that everything that needs to be said is always accessible to him without you having to remind it to him over and over. And your affirmation of love is there. Please forgive the overly simple approach but love letters between married couples date back to Song of Solomon and further back, I'm sure.

Also, unresolved issues are so deep-rooted within him as a lover (as many men - tho not all - find their identity and thus their vulnerability in sexual performance), within him as a validated man who can find fulfillment within himself through leadership as well as in job performance, from his past, within your marriage, and now within yourself due to the excessive rejection. And of all the issues within everything identified and unidentified, the only part that you have to work on successfully without anybody delaying you is yourself - taking it a day at a time working on you with private devotion in Christ with your Bible wide open in your prayer closet. And that may not seem like it helps anything that goes on between you and your husband. But over time, you can see that there will be change one way or another. In many ways but sometimes less often than rarely, you'll see the Lord bringing your husband to a place where he will have to humble himself.

People used to love to remind me that I can't change my husband. And through all my heartbreak, I learned that fact to be very bad news for my husband. Because God's Word does say, "He that humbles himself will be exalted. And he who exalts himself will be humbled." He may not look like he's exalting himself (certainly not in ways many people can exalt themselves). But when we refuse to come out of our plan to honor God and secondly our spouse with self-denial, it's certainly not humble behavior.

So, do what you can. Do that part that will make you not feel defeated. Surrender every part of yourself to God in His Word and in prayer, in productive projects, and even in utilizing your place at your church to be a light to someone else. If you cannot minister to that girlfriend about relationships at this time, you can certainly minister to her about Christ. And if relationships is her focus, give her a good resource in Christ - even if it is outside that church. That may mean getting another married woman or few who are grounded in Christ and probably older as mentors. Someone to turn to for prayers, counsel, and backup for giving advice to another.

Focusing on your own growth doesn't mean that will be your only focus always. Pray, follow God's direction, and even gently pursue further resolution. But probably the best time your husband will finally listen to you will be when the Lord shakes some things up around him that will get his attention. Meanwhile, get some good teaching from good teachers supplementally - as you, again, spend quality time with the Lord in private devotion regularly. On youtube, I love listening to Francis Chan, Paul Washer, Sandeep/Santosh/Sanjay Poonen and their dad Zac Poonen. Seeking God's uncompromised Word in every teaching/sermon, I've been able to find good teaching. And allow church fellowship to be an opportunity to go enjoy worship with other believers while also being instrumental in others' growth and allowing even the most seemingly insignificant sister to be instrumental for you too.

I'm suggesting this as a result of painful events that have gradually been turning around as well as women who have shared their pain and triumphs with me. When I look back, it has been a journey. After 22 years of marriage, I've grown from where I was. And like you, I came into the marriage as a believer and had some incredibly incredibly incredibly horribly demanding in-laws, who have backed off quite significantly tho they waited almost 2 full decades to do it. Yet God is faithful. That is what you can be encouraged about.

Within 'the furnace of affliction' (Isaiah 48.10), the fact that the Lord Jesus 'humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the Cross' (Philippians 2.8) is a searching perspective.

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you for these resources. As I'm reading the love bank, it sounded identical to a Conversation my husband and I had. He told me that he had felt as if he withdrew too much out of my bank and he realized it was time to begin making deposits again. It was a wonderful, honest conversation which excited me to see that he got it!! Sadly that was a year ago and since then life has only become even more busy and very little has changed in our marriage.

How would you feel about giving your husband those three links and saying (using your own words):

"I am giving you notice that we have a problem in our marriage. It already puts me nearly in tears every day and our marriage is only getting worse with time.

Would you be willing to define marriage as a relationship of extraordinary care for each other?

Extraordinary care means that they will do what they can to make each other happy by meeting each other's most important emotional needs, especially the needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. And they will take the necessary time to be sure that those needs are met, regardless of how busy they become.

Extraordinary care also means that they will avoid making each other unhappy. They won't be demanding, disrespectful, angry, or dishonest. They will consider each other's feelings and interests before making decisions. If one objects to what the other wants to do, that person simply won't do it until a mutually enthusiastic agreement is reached. They will protect each other from their selfish instincts.

Definition is from: What's the Purpose of a Wedding by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Would you be willing to come to mutual enthusiastic agreements for the decisions of our lives, and would you be wiling for us to spend the undivided time with me that it takes to keep our love for each other strong?"

The links were:
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

If you are interested in a forum that will coach you through building up your marriage on these concepts, there is a free forum that is supervised by trained moderators that will help you follow this plan on marriagebuilders.com.