Wayward Wife Seeking Restoration

[MG]

I don't know why I am here on such a private issue. The wounds are still fresh and seething, yet hubby and I are trying to fix the damage done by my betrayal at the same time, repair the underlying issues that have plagued our marriage for the past 13 years. We are high school sweethearts, and we share 2 children. I had a very long inappropriate relationship with another, and have broken it off and moved out of state. I hid the relationship for a long time and recently was exposed. It has created a lot of pain for my husband, and he and I are committed to finding and renewing our love through all of this.

I am looking for some advice on things that would edify him, and help mend his heart. We love each other more than you can imagine. I don't need advice on "fixing" the marriage, but ideas on what men in his situation would like to have, know, or see that would affirm and heal. We talk more now than ever, and he has revealed his emotional needs, and I am prepared to tackle them, (although not adequately equipped ) But actions aren't coming as quickly as he needs, and I am feeling helpless.

Thanks.

 

[tedchris]

I don't know why I am here on such a private issue. The wounds are still fresh and seething, yet hubby and I are trying to fix the damage done by my betrayal at the same time, repair the underlying issues that have plagued our marriage for the past 13 years. We are high school sweethearts, and we share 2 children. I had a very long inappropriate relationship with another, and have broken it off and moved out of state. I hid the relationship for a long time and recently was exposed. It has created a lot of pain for my husband, and he and I are committed to finding and renewing our love through all of this.

I am looking for some advice on things that would edify him, and help mend his heart. We love each other more than you can imagine. I don't need advice on "fixing" the marriage, but ideas on what men in his situation would like to have, know, or see that would affirm and heal. We talk more now than ever, and he has revealed his emotional needs, and I am prepared to tackle them, (although not adequately equipped ) But actions aren't coming as quickly as he needs, and I am feeling helpless.

Thanks.

hi MG, I see two words... forgive and forget... the past is past, Christ came to wash away all inequities.

I think that the biggest challenge that we have is to forgive ourselves and forget the past..

 

[Canuk]

MG -

I can't speak to your situation from the perspective of a husband who has been hurt by his wife, but I can speak to it as a husband who has hurt his wife - hopefull you can find some value in what I have to say.

Your husband probably wants to see you put boundaries in place that will protect you from going down the road you went down again. This could include counseling, limiting access to internet / IM, checking in with an accountability partner, etc.

I know that one of the things that my wife wants the most is for me to show her how serious I am about rebuilding our relationship. It's really easy to talk the talk, but showing that you are willing to walk the walk is so much more important.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Post quote
I don't need advice on "fixing" the marriage, but ideas on what men in his situation would like to have, know, or see that would affirm and heal.

I think the most effective is for you to show by actions a strong commitment to your Christian principals. If you have a strong desire to please God and obey his words then you are taking steps to build trust. Immerse yourself with God’s word and do not let anyone calling you a fanatic deter you from getting the right medicine for your wound. Diligently seeking God is not being a fanatic and is the only way I know of to forgive yourself and others and to save a marriage that has been damaged such as yours. IMO if a woman will not be true to God she will not be true to a man.

Your husband probable does not believe in your character or power to keep true to him. His trust has been badly shaken and nothing is going to restore his trust like a true spiritual commitment and long term actions that prove that commitment. If you are committed to God and mature in your spirituality the reasons you got into adultery will no longer be a temptation to you.

Spiritual renewal and strength will last but secular self-help actions will only be temporary at best. I do not know how long you have been rebuilding but your situation will not be restored in a matter of months but several years. Don’t get discouraged because in the years ahead you could improve your marriage in many ways where it will be better than before the affair.


I am a 58 year old man

 

[InTheFlame]

Someone wise once told me, "You can't talk your way out a situation you acted yourself into." It was actually in relation to adultery, too. I thought of that comment when I read your post, because it's sometimes one of the hardest things to deal with when we've sinned against someone and we're trying to rebuild a relationship... that a heck of a lot of actions are going to have to go into healing things. It's a long process, and that can be really frustrating for someone who just wants to make things RIGHT.

So... actual recommendations? In addition to what's been mentioned above:

• Transparency. Be prepared to be a lot more communicative about where you're going, who you're seeing, why you're seeing them, what you said to them, etc. There's a good chance he'll need to know these things to regain confidence in you and your opinions of him.
• Where possible, seek initial comfort for the pain you feel about his lack of trust, etc from a (same-gender) accountability partner or counsellor. Not because I think it's a good longterm habit to get into, but because your husband's likely to be pretty darn raw himself... and he's unlikely to be able to provide the level of listening ear and comfort you need, without feeling resentful or angry.

 

[MG]

Wow. These are very good suggestions. Thank you so very much for your advice. I think, SDM, that you are right. My committment to God has been shaken. that is a whole other topic in itself. But, I think that this process will take a long time, and now I have this thread to refer back to on the "bad days". I know God intended for me to be this man's wife. I made a horrible error, and am desperately finding my way back to my loving husband, and my loving Father.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Be transparent.

Jump on him everyday when he comes home until he tells you to cut it out. He probably feels betrayed and is thinking about it alot. Sex is probably a good way to make him feel good about you and to think about other things than what you've done wrong in the past.

Make church a priority. Show your husband you want to meet couples who are Godly so you both have the same friends.

Don't give your husband any reaon to doubt your sincerity.

Don't do it again and don't even talk to the guy or communicate with him in any way ever again. If your husband asks, give full disclosure if he doesn't already know.

Be patient with him. In working this out in his mind he might come up with some off the wall or moody stuff. Try to deal with it graciously.

Pray for God to help heal things up.

 

[MG]

I am being transparent, I am going to church, we have conversations, but he needs me to be reaffirming him, and I am so lost as to what I should be saying! I feel like an idiot because I KNOW where I stand on "words". I lived a lie for over a year. Anything I say, seems to hold no validity in his eyes. And I want him to know that my heart belongs to him.

He needs me desperately, and I him. I just don't know what to say that will "click".

 

[kanga22]

Stop trying to talk so much. Look for every opportunity to SHOW him you love him with actions. I'd give you some examples of actions that would show your love, but I'm struggling with this myself.

Be a super good listener. Maybe try to learn his "love languages". You said that he told you his emotional needs. Dig into that deeper by researching how to express those things to him. I recently came across a website that might be very helpful to you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

God bless.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You have to show him like Kanga said. Proverbs tells us: 'Even the character of a child can be ascertained by their deeds.'

Show him what you mean.

 

[Ari5]

MG -
It takes time to rebuild the trust, meanwhile Pray that God help you to see how you can meet his needs. But I would also encourage you to find out why this happened because you need to have your needs met too. You need to look into what BOTH of your needs are & talk about how you can both be meeting them together.
When you have bad days, take it before the Lord, you might have to do this everyday or every minute on some days, but remember he is a gracious God who loves you beyond comprehension. Satan will try to throw it in your face, but just throw it back at him & say I AM FORGIVEN!!!!
Most of all I would pray for your husband , for his healing. God can heal way better then our words. And he will heal , as long as we are striving to obey him.

How awesome that you are working it out!! God will bless you for your efforts!! Blessings, Ari

 

[tedchris]

rebuilding trust is a challenge and takes hard work. its good that you talk and communicate a lot. what is important is what has already been said... go beyond talking and do more acts of love... simple things like giving a glass of water, being concerned with his needs.... in short, assuring him that what is important is now.. you and him...

 

[gentlestorm]

Most of the other posters have given what I believe to be excellent advice: Lots and Lots of sex, always everywhere, just all out passion. Men are very receptive to this and it actually goes deep. It says volumes. (That's why adultery is so painful.)
You have the heart already fixed. The rest should flow easily.

 

[highranger]

i'll be completely honest with ya..i went through the same thing your husband is dealing with..we talked to consulers..it helped some, I still had my good and bad days, my wife and i felt closer than ever,..but that didn't cover all the wounds either..i thought i was close to God before, and i was to an extent..but i started to really to search for the heart of God..and one day i felt a love like no other come over me..it was perfect love, words won't explain it..and i have to beleive that God let me feel just a glimpse of his love and it was at that time that i realized our flesh is flesh and Gods love is far greater than flesh..that love i felt overcame any and all feelings of betrayal, deceit, and pain..it allowed me to love my wife and all souls in a completely different way than i could ever imagine..so my answer to him would be to pray for God to allow him to feel just a touch of his love, it's such a pure love that covers and smothers out any hurts and pain..i can feel the hands of Jesus on my life now like never before..it's sad for me to know he was thier all the time and i didn't allow him in my heart ..even though i thought i had..but once i truely surrenderd to him he fulfilled all of his word and more..
God Bless..

 

[johnd]

I gather from what you are saying is that he does not trust you.

Hear me out.

There are many elements to trust. It's not only about your fidelity (or lack thereof). There is an element of mistrust as to why you would want him (your husband) or if you truly do want him.

The overly jealous spouse, for example, does not trust. And it has surprisingly little to do with the fidelity of their spouse. It is a distrust in how genuine the love of their spouse is and their desire is for them is. There is a difference. And it sounds to me like this is the case in your marriage.

In otherwords, in his mind you strayed because you didn't really want him or you did not want him enough not to stray. And now that you strayed, even though he wants to work this out, he has proof (in his mind anyway) that you don't have in your desire for him what it takes to be faithful.

I am not so sure there is a magic statement you can say to bring this about. I suspect, if I am correct about your situation, this was preexisting in him and is something you exacerbated by what you did. He may have been feeling this in a lesser degree all along.

Some call it the "I'm not worthy" syndrome. It comes from low self esteem or what we used to call "marrying up" or "marrying out of one's league." It crushes about 1/2 of celebrity marriages (especially when the wife is the celebrity).

There are ways to tell if this is the case. If your husband ever shared his sexual fantasies with you. Public exposure (yours), or voyeurism of you. No need to comment on that point. I would caution you, that if he has not shared his fantasies with you, don't pry (especially since the infidelity) it will only make things worse.

To assist in men's Bible studies (and to save marriages in this sex saturated world we live in) I studied this right down to the clothing we wear in public. All from the biblical perspective and the literature from Christian psychologists like Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Minrith and Dr. Myer . So, I know of what I speak.

It could also be quite simply he is terribly hurt and does not trust you at all under any circumstance. If this is true and you sincerely want to restore this marriage and regain his trust you have to be PATIENT. In his own time, in his own way, he will recover (if he recovers at all). This is what is so bad about infidelity (in addition to all the obvious things) you essentially forfeit control over your life to others... to the lover you committed adultery with until you are caught, and to the betrayed spouse once you are caught. Even if you were to walk away from it all, then the Judge in divorce court has control over your life. Then there's starting over again...

It's not worth it, ladies and gentlemen. Force yourselves to remember (if only the words and not the ideas) it is not worth it. And run like a scared rabbit if you have to (and most of us have to).

Finally, I want you to know that if you believe in Jesus Christ, your sins (one and all) are forgiven by God. As I pointed out above (and as you know all the more) there are consequences for all sins we commit. And God is actively involved in our lives and will take us to the woodshed for a whipping. So the salvation of Christ is not a license to sin. It's actually incentive not to sin in addition to imputed grace we did not earn nor deserve.

So rest assured that once you are the child of God you will eternally be his child.