Watching adult children make mistakes is awful

HawgWyld said:

A bit of rambling, so I apologize in advance.

My wife and I have been talking lately about how difficult it is to watch our adult son go skipping merrily toward disaster and we are powerless to do a thing about it. When he was small, we had authority over him. We don't have that now, and have been reduced to the position of offering advice to a 20-year-old who is still young enough to think he knows everything.

My wife and I were reminded of how powerless we are to protect our kid from harm when he called the other day and announced he is coming home for a few days next month to ask his high school girlfriend to marry him (he is in the Navy and is coming home on leave). I'll not go into too much detail, but my wife and I have disliked the girl since the day she was introduced to us. I'm a lawyer who sees divorce in the cards for my kid if he marries that girl, whereas my wife views the girl as a spoiled brat and dingbat who is primarily looking for someone to support her while she does next to nothing.

At any rate, I am curious as to how people with adult children deal with the heartache of being able to do absolutely nothing as their kids make terrible decisions that will result in misery. I know we're supposed to be able to let go and let our kids find their own ways in the world, but that is easier said than done.

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HawgWyld said:

You are so right. My parents begged me not to marry my first wife. That just strengthened my resolve to marry her.

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Our eldest Son aged 55 has had three marriages, my wife warned him each time not to marry, especially the first and second ones. He always picks women (Christians) who have extra baggage , mainly controlling ones.
Once again he has a beautiful part Asian wife, who has to control and lead the Past 8 years of their marriage. I call it Jezebel. Maybe, he is an Ahab & will not accept or agree with us (his Mum & Dad)that it is time to divorce her. But he is adamant that no matter what ,as he now lives with us at our home she is somewhere else, (running a females refuge) that he cannot divorce her unless for adultery.
He has been to Christian counsellors many times, but she refuses to do that, only on her terms without him. God has given him dreams lately (one is )of a bunch of spring onions turned upside down with the roots showing???? It has gotten us down a s Christians now.

Interesting dream by the way. Onion is one of the vegetables that contain collageen, and sulfur, the collagen can be used in beauty products. When I grew springonions my hands got really smooth. Maybe Jezebel has been uprooted and put upside down. If the woman indeed has that problem It is sad. Does she need to go and find her roots to find peace? If a person feels insecure they can start to control everything. She is uprooted and put upside down in another country. Maybe She or they both need to find her roots in Asia so she finally finds herself and her identity. It was just a thought, I am not sure at all if it is any truth in it. I have myself been abroad for five years in my youth and did miss the birches the light summernights and the 80 celsius degree hot sauna the snow so lost roots and turned upside down I understand, but I have been given clear rules so I have not felt need of controlling unnecessary.

Thanks this makes sense to me and it is time that the roots were viewed openly and they have been the past week with people she has gathered that trusted her for years are now shocked at her ways .

One way that can perhaps get the Young couple to solve some finansials is the usual debate. Women spend more money on make up and beauty products and clothes than men are aware of or even dream of. So to settle that before marriage. Ask the bride to calculate how much in reality her look costs to maintain and her future plan to stay fit and how she plan to tackle the years. Is she excersizing. Is she going under the knife or is she going to use expensive antiwrinkle creams. How vain is she? It could change of course. But the sum and the plan could give her future husband and herself a hint that She too has to educate herself and try to get a job. Maybe she has low selfesteem and that has held her back. It does not always show on the outside. With parents splitting up it does take a toll on the kids. In all things in life bad can turn into better and very often parents in law don't get along at first. And remember immature young people grow if they are nurtured right. I believe this girl can grow too given a chance, but as we grow we fall many times along the way. That is part of life. If they split up, well...then that is another heartbreak. But You have done Your warning. God bless You all. In this christian world I have seen too often parents unhappy with their kids choice, if they marry it is bad, if they do not marry it is worse. So either way the parents complain.

HawgWyld said:

A bit of rambling, so I apologize in advance.

My wife and I have been talking lately about how difficult it is to watch our adult son go skipping merrily toward disaster and we are powerless to do a thing about it. When he was small, we had authority over him. We don't have that now, and have been reduced to the position of offering advice to a 20-year-old who is still young enough to think he knows everything.

My wife and I were reminded of how powerless we are to protect our kid from harm when he called the other day and announced he is coming home for a few days next month to ask his high school girlfriend to marry him (he is in the Navy and is coming home on leave). I'll not go into too much detail, but my wife and I have disliked the girl since the day she was introduced to us. I'm a lawyer who sees divorce in the cards for my kid if he marries that girl, whereas my wife views the girl as a spoiled brat and dingbat who is primarily looking for someone to support her while she does next to nothing.

At any rate, I am curious as to how people with adult children deal with the heartache of being able to do absolutely nothing as their kids make terrible decisions that will result in misery. I know we're supposed to be able to let go and let our kids find their own ways in the world, but that is easier said than done.

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It could be a WHOLE lot worse than having a spoiled brat for a DIL. If she is not on drugs or alcohol maybe be nice and give her a chance since you don't have and shouldn't really have a choice in the matter. I have been where you are and I never accomplished anything but anger and visits to me.

Part of growing up is being able to make decisions for yourself and accepting the consequences that inevitably come our way.
When my kids were teenagers I let them make some decisions that I didn't like. But I certainly did my best not to enable them to achieve their outcomes when I was against what they were doing. I never sabotaged their plans however I did everything I could to make it difficult for them. Rightly or wrongly. I wasn't about to help facilitate my teenagers making lousy choices.
In the end, whatever will happen will happen. You could try spending quality time with your son doing something he really enjoys and make an attempt to let him know how you feel. But that is all you can do. Then just pray that he will make a good choice. And it has to be his choice otherwise he will resent you down the track.