Watching adult children make mistakes is awful

[HawgWyld]

A bit of rambling, so I apologize in advance.

My wife and I have been talking lately about how difficult it is to watch our adult son go skipping merrily toward disaster and we are powerless to do a thing about it. When he was small, we had authority over him. We don't have that now, and have been reduced to the position of offering advice to a 20-year-old who is still young enough to think he knows everything.

My wife and I were reminded of how powerless we are to protect our kid from harm when he called the other day and announced he is coming home for a few days next month to ask his high school girlfriend to marry him (he is in the Navy and is coming home on leave). I'll not go into too much detail, but my wife and I have disliked the girl since the day she was introduced to us. I'm a lawyer who sees divorce in the cards for my kid if he marries that girl, whereas my wife views the girl as a spoiled brat and dingbat who is primarily looking for someone to support her while she does next to nothing.

At any rate, I am curious as to how people with adult children deal with the heartache of being able to do absolutely nothing as their kids make terrible decisions that will result in misery. I know we're supposed to be able to let go and let our kids find their own ways in the world, but that is easier said than done.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

Hopefully the girl can change... In so sorry

 

[Humble me Lord]

HawgWylde, My wife and I have 4 out on their own and 1 left at home (actually our grand daughter we adopted) due to our oldest daughter knowing everything about life and not accepting guidance. The only real advice I can give is...give it to God. In the end, thats all we can really do. Pray God will open his eyes and speak to him. Pray, pray, pray. Some of the prayers will be for your own sanity, but we pray God will watch over them, guide their footsteps, and give them wisdom. If you instilled a good foundation of God in them when they are young, they will eventually open the door when God knocks. It can be painful at times to watch. Some kids will rebel even more if you try to steer them too hard, so all we can really do is give it to God. Philippians 4:6-7 ,
God Bless

 

[HawgWyld]

Hopefully the girl can change... In so sorry

I just see disaster looming. The girl's father got into a fist fight with my son right before my boy left to go into the Navy -- he actually hit my child until my son decked him and then used that as an excuse to try to have my kid arrested (I had to intervene by calling a prosecutor or two about the whole mess). The father (a music minister at a local church, by the way) left his wife last year to shack up with his mistress. The mother of this girl, meanwhile, let the girl's father cheat on her for years and get away with it because she couldn't bring herself to make a fuss. And my future daughter-in-law? Her name is Mercedes and that's what she drives. 'Nuff said.

Dysfunctional doesn't begin to explain the family background there, and my child is planning on marrying into that? It is difficult to watch.

 

[HawgWyld]

HawgWylde, My wife and I have 4 out on their own and 1 left at home (actually our grand daughter we adopted) due to our oldest daughter knowing everything about life and not accepting guidance. The only real advice I can give is...give it to God. In the end, thats all we can really do. Pray God will open his eyes and speak to him. Pray, pray, pray. Some of the prayers will be for your own sanity, but we pray God will watch over them, guide their footsteps, and give them wisdom. If you instilled a good foundation of God in them when they are young, they will eventually open the door when God knocks. It can be painful at times to watch. Some kids will rebel even more if you try to steer them too hard, so all we can really do is give it to God. Philippians 4:6-7 ,
God Bless

You are correct and I know it. I have prayed about this at length and I know that I need to leave this to God and let Him handle it. We raised our child in our faith and I do believe that background will serve him well.

Perhaps one of the things I am having so much trouble with is that I got married to someone who was a completely wrong fit for me when I was 24-years-old. My parents begged me to not marry her, but I knew better and did it. The result? Heartache and divorce. And now I've got a kid going down that same path? If my father was still alive, he would appreciate the irony.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

I just see disaster looming. The girl's father got into a fist fight with my son right before he left to go into the Navy -- he actually hit my child until my son decked him and then used that as an excuse to try to have my kid arrested (I had to intervene by calling a prosecutor or two about the whole mess). The father (a music minister at a local church, by the way) left his wife last year to shack up with his mistress. The mother of this girl, meanwhile, let the girl's father cheat on her for years and get away with it because she couldn't bring herself to make a fuss. And my future daughter-in-law? Her name is Mercedes and that's what she drives. 'Nuff said.

Dysfunctional doesn't begin to explain the family background there, and my child is planning on marrying into that? It is difficult to watch.

Wow. That is alot...
I hope your son wakes up soon...what does he see in her?

 

[EdyChristian28]

I would text them proverbs and psalms that might be healthy reminders for them at the right time. but don't intervene so they feel they have control

 

[Humble me Lord]

You aren't alone. I did the same thing. Got married for the wrong reasons the first time, trying to live life my way and not Gods, caused me half a lifetime of difficulty and pain. Keep in mind that God uses things in our lives to shape us into what he wants us to be. When I finally followed Gods plan and my relationship with Him grew, I found my soulmate, and we've been married 15 years. 1 Peter 1:7 , God is shaping him. The hard part is watching.
Someday he may be on here posting in the "Advice to my 18 year old self" thread !

 

[HawgWyld]

Wow. That is alot...
I hope your son wakes up soon...what does he see in her?

I'm honestly not sure.

 

[HawgWyld]

You aren't alone. I did the same thing. Got married for the wrong reasons the first time, trying to live life my way and not Gods, caused me half a lifetime of difficulty and pain. Keep in mind that God uses things in our lives to shape us into what he wants us to be. When I finally followed Gods plan and my relationship with Him grew, I found my soulmate, and we've been married 15 years. 1 Peter 1:7 , God is shaping him. The hard part is watching.
Someday he may be on here posting in the "Advice to my 18 year old self" thread !

Oh, you are completely right. Back when I married my first wife, I was a know-it-all who didn't need any advice from my parents or to bother about what might honor God. I was awesome! So awesome, in fact, that I went through four years of a miserable marriage (luckily, we had no kids).

But, you know what? God had a plan for me. When I was divorced, drinking like a fish and at my lowest point, I met a woman. Married her six weeks (?!?) later and we are celebrating 18 years of marriage next month. She has a story or two, as well. That 20-year-old son giving me fits these days? He was two-years-old when I married my wife and I adopted him when he was five-years-old. My wife picked me up, dragged me back in church and was instrumental in showing me the error of my ways and getting me back on the right path. When I say she is heaven sent, I mean it.

The same thing could be in store for my son. What I hope is that he doesn't have to go through the awful marriage I did first. Oh, I know God's in control. I'm just vain enough to try to figure out what is happening and why!

 

[HawgWyld]

I would text them proverbs and psalms that might be healthy reminders for them at the right time. but don't intervene so they feel they have control

You are so right. My parents begged me not to marry my first wife. That just strengthened my resolve to marry her.

 

[Humble me Lord]

Wow, mine was also instrumental in getting to where I am now in my walk with God. It was also so unlikely the place we met was 3 states away from where either of us were born. God is amazing !!!!
Is Mercedes benz a christian? If she's not, that could give you a small opening to reason with him a little ?
My biggest realization when I finally accepted Jesus as my savior, was that love is not just a warm fuzzy feeling you get when you meet someone, its a commitment, the love God has for his flock.

 

[HawgWyld]

Wow, mine was also instrumental in getting to where I am now in my walk with God. It was also so unlikely the place we met was 3 states away from where either of us were born. God is amazing !!!!
Is Mercedes benz a christian? If she's not, that could give you a small opening to reason with him a little ?
My biggest realization when I finally accepted Jesus as my savior, was that love is not just a warm fuzzy feeling you get when you meet someone, its a commitment, the love God has for his flock.

She goes to church, but belongs to one of those churches that treats Sunday morning as a social gathering rather than a time for worship and introspection -- wouldn't want anyone to be uncomfortable by getting too Biblical, right? I'm not sure how Christian either she or the church she grew up in actually is. I mean, if a church had no problem with her father continuing as a music minister after it came out he was living with his mistress after he left his wife, I'm not sure Biblical principals really apply there. Then again, I'm Southern Baptist and we are regarded as a bit, uh, strident in our beliefs.

As for wives, here's what a great fit we are -- she and I own our business. She takes care of things like making sure we get paid and keeping me organized, thus freeing me up to practice law. Our entire marriage has been like that -- if I lack a skill, the chances are good she has that skill, and vice versa.

 

[Adstar]

A bit of rambling, so I apologize in advance.

My wife and I have been talking lately about how difficult it is to watch our adult son go skipping merrily toward disaster and we are powerless to do a thing about it. When he was small, we had authority over him. We don't have that now, and have been reduced to the position of offering advice to a 20-year-old who is still young enough to think he knows everything.

My wife and I were reminded of how powerless we are to protect our kid from harm when he called the other day and announced he is coming home for a few days next month to ask his high school girlfriend to marry him (he is in the Navy and is coming home on leave). I'll not go into too much detail, but my wife and I have disliked the girl since the day she was introduced to us. I'm a lawyer who sees divorce in the cards for my kid if he marries that girl, whereas my wife views the girl as a spoiled brat and dingbat who is primarily looking for someone to support her while she does next to nothing.

At any rate, I am curious as to how people with adult children deal with the heartache of being able to do absolutely nothing as their kids make terrible decisions that will result in misery. I know we're supposed to be able to let go and let our kids find their own ways in the world, but that is easier said than done.

Acceptance of the situation is probably the best policy.. Making the most of it.. Try to establish a polite and cordial relationship with his choice of a wife.. In the long term it will be better when you want to establish a relationship with your future grand children if you are on good terms with your daughter in law..

You have to accept that sometimes people have to made their own mistakes in life and see them get burnt, But God knows their relationship just might go the distance.. I would pray for their marriage to end up for the better or failing this that the end of the relationship will be a smooth and amicable split..

Being openly negative and hostile to your daughter in law will bring nothing good for anyone in the long run.. So just try to make things as smooth as possible.. And be prepared to help out if the relationship hits a brick wall..

May God guide you and give you wisdom.

 

[USincognito]

If I may weigh in with a silver lining - at least the announcement is pending nuptials and not "guess who's going to be grandparents!".

 

[HawgWyld]

Acceptance of the situation is probably the best policy.. Making the most of it.. Try to establish a polite and cordial relationship with his choice of a wife.. In the long term it will be better when you want to establish a relationship with your future grand children if you are on good terms with your daughter in law..

You have to accept that sometimes people have to made their own mistakes in life and see them get burnt, But God knows their relationship just might go the distance.. I would pray for their marriage to end up for the better or failing this that the end of the relationship will be a smooth and amicable split..

Being openly negative and hostile to your daughter in law will bring nothing good for anyone in the long run.. So just try to make things as smooth as possible.. And be prepared to help out if the relationship hits a brick wall..

May God guide you and give you wisdom.

Thanks for that, and I have already told my wife to jab me in the ribs -- hard -- should I get out of line. I am drawing up a prenuptial agreement to protect my son's military benefits, and that may not go over too well. Hey, I'm the boy's father and a lawyer -- can't help doing what I can.

I have avoided open hostility so far as that will do no good.

 

[HawgWyld]

If I may weigh in with a silver lining - at least the announcement is pending nuptials and not "guess who's going to be grandparents!".

That's a good point...

 

[Humble me Lord]

I will pray for your family,
Feel free to pm me anytime if you need an outlet
God Bless

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

While I don't have kids yet with my wife, at least your noticing whats wrong with your kids and worried. My mother didn't notice my changes and I wish she would have so I could avoid the mistakes I made. But with my kids I think, as your stating, the hard part is when they become adults and you can't really do anything as the go down a path you see is not good. In my case I've started saying "I told you so!" when people don't listen and after they get the end of the bad path they complain about "If only I knew!".

I want to help people, even my own future kids, but I can only lead a horse to the water. I can't make it drink. Which is what my dad always told me about my troubles.

 

[Roseonathorn]

Nowadays oldfolks too have to behave themself on the internet. Because the young ones can read. When and if the slander is out and known perhaps the young couple decide not to invite the ones that talk bad about them. They already think bad about them. Some marry secretly. They might recognize themself in the thread if they are out and about. I suspect no lies will clean that up. You have done your warning bit and that is all You can do. Now all You can do is pray and be nice. There are probably worse girls out there and is it not better that He marries someone He loves than someone You love. If He has loved her since highschool there is at least something to it. But maybe He should wait a while, well perhaps she does not want to wait and someone coming home from the navy does perhaps not want to wait every time He comes home from navy. I believe sometimes the choices people make are more right than people believe. My grandfather married right before He went to war to atleast have one offspring, but He did survive and had more. You see sometimes family back home is what keeps soldiers careful and alive.