And was looking around at all of the different people. This came out: Posting here rather than divorce board because I think it may have more meaning here.. It's just a rambling...
EDIT: Just found out that Armstrong is actually divorced. Hmmm... I'm an idiot.
Ive spent much of my post-divorce life lamenting on what happened in my marriage. What went wrong? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? And while I have answers to some of these questions, I dont have answers to others.
Im sitting here on a plane bound for San Diego. And as I look around at the many different types of people joining me on this journey out of Minnesota, I cant help but wonder if any of these people will relate to my pain. How many of them have had to say good bye to the love of their life? How many of them want nothing more than to have their ex-spouse tell them once again how much they are needed and loved. How many of them live with a secret heart-ache covered up only to appear normal on the outside. How many of them are praying for God to deliver them from this divorce?
Ill never know the answers to that, but as I recline my extra-wide first-class chair and look around, I hope that at least one of us has gotten it right. Maybe its the attorney sitting next to me a staunch stoic fellow on a business trip who has pointed out more than once the young soldier sitting in front of us. Perhaps the lady who gave up her first class seat so that another soldier might join this newly enlisted young man and share stories of what he is to encounter when he arrives at base. I suspect its the young soldier. From what Ive heard, hes recently married, and the joy is still evident in his face.
I suppose it could be the white haired gentlemen adorning reading glasses and sipping a glass of red wine. One would like to believe that his generation has more staying power than my own, and thats evident in the growth in that demographic. Could it be the man sleeping soundly in seat 1a? Part of me thinks he sleeps to numb the sadness he feels from his recent breakup. The lady sleeping in 2c is a good candidate as well, though I cant tell if she is wearing a wedding band or not.
There are two business travelers in 3c and 3d, respectively. One is eagerly reviewing spreadsheets and the other reading a book about Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong, now theres a survivor. There is a row of travelers behind us as well, though I have no idea what they look like or who they are.
Id like to ask each of them about marriage, about struggle and divorce. Mostly Id like to ask them about love.
Each of us has our own way of giving and receiving love. It seems that we are often unable to communicate our ways to others; in fact, Id say it is epidemic. One only has to look at the vast array of self help books to learn that our generation is desperate for answers to their relationship woes. We want to make our spouses happy, but often not at the expense of our own happiness. And this, my friends, is the trouble with my generation.
We seem to think that marriage is a contract. As Jimmy Evans would state, marriage is exactly the opposite of a contract. Contracts are born out of the need to legally bind someone to give us what we want, while minimizing the risk and effort we much exhort to fulfill our side of the bargain. We are used to this idea, this concept, and frankly I believe we live our lives with this mentality every single day. We know what we want, but we are often willing to do only the bear minimum to achieve our goals. We are, unfortunately so, afraid of putting ourselves out there and risking pain, hurt and loss unless we have an iron clad guarantee that someone else will be putting more effort and risk into our own happiness. I say this with acknowledged cynicism, but also with admitted honesty.
Marriage is not a contract, my friends. Indeed it is nothing at all like a contract. Marriage is a covenant. A promise to give more than we receive, a pledge to put another person first, a guarantee to our spouse that this marriage is the most important experience our life will ever know. And with a covenant comes sacrifice. With it comes humility. It must, by its mere definitely, protect the other persons interests while risking our own. It is in fact, the exact opposite of a contract. And it may be this reason that marriages are failing at alarming rates.
As I pause to look around the plane at all of these different people, I wonder how many of them know the difference between a contract and a covenant. Will the high-powered attorney to my right? How about the two business men sitting across the isle? I suspect again, that the only person who will fully understand, and by that I mean live a life of a covenant, is the young soldier sitting directly in front of me.
Here is a young man who has agreed that there is something more important in life than his own comfort, his own happiness, his own dreams and indeed his own life. He is a soldier in our armed forces who has volunteered to put his personal interests on hold, and perhaps his life on the line, to join in a covenant with our country. He acknowledges that there is something larger than his life at stake, something that he can contribute too, something that he can help guarantee for generations to come. He has entered a covenant to protect the freedom of the people of the United States of America. He surely understands the difference between a covenant and a contract.
Contracts, its often said, are made to be broken. As we all know, they are constantly under review and renegotiation. This has become part of our lives and we seem to see it everywhere we go. Unions often renegotiate contracts and threaten strikes to aid in enforcing their positions. We read about entertainers renegotiating contracts almost as much as we do sports figures. We even renegotiate a contract every two and four years when we vote for our elected officials. Our own constitution, the contract between the United States Government and the People of this great land is said to be so powerful only because it can be renegotiated at any given time. Contracts are not permanent.
And so we seem to think the same of a marriage. We treat it as a contract, and a one that can be renegotiated or refused at any given time. We put the least amount of work into our marriage and ask for the most out. We put ourselves before our spouse and then wonder why she does the same. We plant the garden of marriage, but we cry foul when the garden is overtaken by weeds we new we had to pull.
Marriages dont die because two people are incompatible or too different. Marriages dont even die because of infidelity or abuse. They certainly dont die because of differing philosophies and beliefs. They die because we refuse to put ourselves in a covenant situation, and therefore refuse to treat our marriage as anything more than a contract. A covenant is permanent. A contract is not.
I believe a vast majority of us enter our marriages with the idea that it will last forever, that well get through anything, that well persevere. We believe that we have it figured out and worked out. But we never consider the gravity of such a covenant during the heat of anger or discussion. Once we are hurt we point the blame at the other person and often retaliate by reducing our ability or desire to put that person first. After all, if she didnt put me first, why should I do that for her? Because its a covenant, my friends! One between you, your wife and God. As long as you treat your marriage as such, you will surely enjoy the fruits of Gods love and of your spouses as well. But the moment marriage becomes a contract is the moment that marriage is over.
And I look around for the last time and wonder. How many people on this plane will treat their marriage as a covenant? Thus far, I still suspect just one.
EDIT: Just found out that Armstrong is actually divorced. Hmmm... I'm an idiot.
Ive spent much of my post-divorce life lamenting on what happened in my marriage. What went wrong? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? And while I have answers to some of these questions, I dont have answers to others.
Im sitting here on a plane bound for San Diego. And as I look around at the many different types of people joining me on this journey out of Minnesota, I cant help but wonder if any of these people will relate to my pain. How many of them have had to say good bye to the love of their life? How many of them want nothing more than to have their ex-spouse tell them once again how much they are needed and loved. How many of them live with a secret heart-ache covered up only to appear normal on the outside. How many of them are praying for God to deliver them from this divorce?
Ill never know the answers to that, but as I recline my extra-wide first-class chair and look around, I hope that at least one of us has gotten it right. Maybe its the attorney sitting next to me a staunch stoic fellow on a business trip who has pointed out more than once the young soldier sitting in front of us. Perhaps the lady who gave up her first class seat so that another soldier might join this newly enlisted young man and share stories of what he is to encounter when he arrives at base. I suspect its the young soldier. From what Ive heard, hes recently married, and the joy is still evident in his face.
I suppose it could be the white haired gentlemen adorning reading glasses and sipping a glass of red wine. One would like to believe that his generation has more staying power than my own, and thats evident in the growth in that demographic. Could it be the man sleeping soundly in seat 1a? Part of me thinks he sleeps to numb the sadness he feels from his recent breakup. The lady sleeping in 2c is a good candidate as well, though I cant tell if she is wearing a wedding band or not.
There are two business travelers in 3c and 3d, respectively. One is eagerly reviewing spreadsheets and the other reading a book about Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong, now theres a survivor. There is a row of travelers behind us as well, though I have no idea what they look like or who they are.
Id like to ask each of them about marriage, about struggle and divorce. Mostly Id like to ask them about love.
Each of us has our own way of giving and receiving love. It seems that we are often unable to communicate our ways to others; in fact, Id say it is epidemic. One only has to look at the vast array of self help books to learn that our generation is desperate for answers to their relationship woes. We want to make our spouses happy, but often not at the expense of our own happiness. And this, my friends, is the trouble with my generation.
We seem to think that marriage is a contract. As Jimmy Evans would state, marriage is exactly the opposite of a contract. Contracts are born out of the need to legally bind someone to give us what we want, while minimizing the risk and effort we much exhort to fulfill our side of the bargain. We are used to this idea, this concept, and frankly I believe we live our lives with this mentality every single day. We know what we want, but we are often willing to do only the bear minimum to achieve our goals. We are, unfortunately so, afraid of putting ourselves out there and risking pain, hurt and loss unless we have an iron clad guarantee that someone else will be putting more effort and risk into our own happiness. I say this with acknowledged cynicism, but also with admitted honesty.
Marriage is not a contract, my friends. Indeed it is nothing at all like a contract. Marriage is a covenant. A promise to give more than we receive, a pledge to put another person first, a guarantee to our spouse that this marriage is the most important experience our life will ever know. And with a covenant comes sacrifice. With it comes humility. It must, by its mere definitely, protect the other persons interests while risking our own. It is in fact, the exact opposite of a contract. And it may be this reason that marriages are failing at alarming rates.
As I pause to look around the plane at all of these different people, I wonder how many of them know the difference between a contract and a covenant. Will the high-powered attorney to my right? How about the two business men sitting across the isle? I suspect again, that the only person who will fully understand, and by that I mean live a life of a covenant, is the young soldier sitting directly in front of me.
Here is a young man who has agreed that there is something more important in life than his own comfort, his own happiness, his own dreams and indeed his own life. He is a soldier in our armed forces who has volunteered to put his personal interests on hold, and perhaps his life on the line, to join in a covenant with our country. He acknowledges that there is something larger than his life at stake, something that he can contribute too, something that he can help guarantee for generations to come. He has entered a covenant to protect the freedom of the people of the United States of America. He surely understands the difference between a covenant and a contract.
Contracts, its often said, are made to be broken. As we all know, they are constantly under review and renegotiation. This has become part of our lives and we seem to see it everywhere we go. Unions often renegotiate contracts and threaten strikes to aid in enforcing their positions. We read about entertainers renegotiating contracts almost as much as we do sports figures. We even renegotiate a contract every two and four years when we vote for our elected officials. Our own constitution, the contract between the United States Government and the People of this great land is said to be so powerful only because it can be renegotiated at any given time. Contracts are not permanent.
And so we seem to think the same of a marriage. We treat it as a contract, and a one that can be renegotiated or refused at any given time. We put the least amount of work into our marriage and ask for the most out. We put ourselves before our spouse and then wonder why she does the same. We plant the garden of marriage, but we cry foul when the garden is overtaken by weeds we new we had to pull.
Marriages dont die because two people are incompatible or too different. Marriages dont even die because of infidelity or abuse. They certainly dont die because of differing philosophies and beliefs. They die because we refuse to put ourselves in a covenant situation, and therefore refuse to treat our marriage as anything more than a contract. A covenant is permanent. A contract is not.
I believe a vast majority of us enter our marriages with the idea that it will last forever, that well get through anything, that well persevere. We believe that we have it figured out and worked out. But we never consider the gravity of such a covenant during the heat of anger or discussion. Once we are hurt we point the blame at the other person and often retaliate by reducing our ability or desire to put that person first. After all, if she didnt put me first, why should I do that for her? Because its a covenant, my friends! One between you, your wife and God. As long as you treat your marriage as such, you will surely enjoy the fruits of Gods love and of your spouses as well. But the moment marriage becomes a contract is the moment that marriage is over.
And I look around for the last time and wonder. How many people on this plane will treat their marriage as a covenant? Thus far, I still suspect just one.
