Was I right to end a 10 year old friendship?

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I met my ex best friend 10 years ago. Since about five years ago, I felt God asking me to end this friendship. I didn't listen to him, because I felt that I couldn't let go of this person because i'm a person who love friends and people. Anyway about two years ago, this person started disrespecting my boundaries. For example when we went out shopping, she would take pictures of what I bought and put it on her social media as if she was the one who bought it. She started fighting to eat at her favourite restaurants every time we hung out, even though I don't stay in the city like her and hardly get to eat at my favourite places. I compromise sometimes and eat where she wants but every time it is her turn to compromise, she gets angry and keeps saying things like 'you always want your way.' she also told me that she can't eat sugar because of an allergic reaction so she never wants to eat anything sweet when we are together, but when she is with other friends she drinks sweet coco, and eats all kinds of sugary treats. She also always sends me videos and reels, about 3-4 a day, even though I've told her at least five to six times that she must stop because I find it really annoying. she also likes sending me jokes such as "im waiting for you to be a millionaire so I can spend the money". she also thinks about me all the time, messaging me and saying things like oh I ate an egg today and thought of you because you taught me how to peel an egg" things like that. I don't even remember that I taught her how to peel an egg.

in my opinion, I think she has a love hate relationship with me. she either really hates me or loves me (in a lesbian way), because how she behaves kind of is in line with these kind of feelings. She really hates men and always rants to me about how men are rotten people, and she likes to put on fake moustaches and stuff, to be honest I was getting a bit creeped out and feeling kind of cringe, and I'm really glad I ended the friendship. Of course I was really blind to it, but I cannot turn a blind eye any longer. I finally sent her a text ending our friendship. I know I've done the right thing, but it still feels weird, like when I wake up I get this shock and short panic attack like, wow I ended this 10 year relationship I can't believe I did that!

Do you think I did the right thing and if I did, how should I learn to adjust to this?
 

YahuahSaves

Well-Known Member
Nov 19, 2022
1,760
714
Melbourne
✟30,343.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I felt God asking me to end this friendship.
My experience has been God always tells the truth. It seems (as you found out) he was trying to protect you).

For example when we went out shopping, she would take pictures of what I bought and put it on her social media as if she was the one who bought it.
That means she's a liar.

but every time it is her turn to compromise, she gets angry and keeps saying things like 'you always want your way.'
That sounds like narcissism to me.

she also told me that she can't eat sugar because of an allergic reaction so she never wants to eat anything sweet when we are together, but when she is with other friends she drinks sweet coco, and eats all kinds of sugary treats.
Again, a liar.

she also likes sending me jokes such as "im waiting for you to be a millionaire so I can spend the money".
What was she actually gaining from you in this friendship may I ask?

Do you think I did the right thing and if I did, how should I learn to adjust to this?
If God told you to do it, then yes.

Beyond this, in my own experiences, I've walked away from long term friendships because of the lack of boundaries and selfishness.
As an example (This was before I came to Christ) I had a 10 year friendship with a man which consisted of him calling me as he drove home from work to talk about his life (the good, the bad and the ugly) and I often could not get a word in edge-ways. He had crude humour and he put others down a lot also (he was a very unhappy person at the time). I remember calling him one time for a chat (outside our usual chat time) and he was very cold and distant. I would occasionally comment on his Facebook post and he would completely ignore me. I believe now he was a narcissist.

I finally woke up when I lost a very close (true) friend, and the response from the rest of my so-called "friends" spoke volumes. I walked away and I never once looked back in regret.
 
Upvote 0

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
My experience has been God always tells the truth. It seems (as you found out) he was trying to protect you).


That means she's a liar.


That sounds like narcissism to me.


Again, a liar.


What was she actually gaining from you in this friendship may I ask?
I don't think she was gaining much other than the usual friendship benefits like a listening ear for her troubles, buying gifts for holidays/seasonal festivals, but I am richer than her, I am in a good university, I think to her it was more of the status and hoping that I would be successful in the future and help her, but she also maybe was in love with me for a long time and realising that it would lead to nothing she grew to resent me bitterly. One of the early red flags was when I offered to buy her something expensive, costing around usd3k, and instead of being like a normal person who would beg me not to spend so much money, her whole face lit up and she became very happy and chatty. also another thing that I have always noticed... maybe this is just psychological but I'll share it nevertheless. When we are with people who truly love us, when we take photographs, we will look good, or at least okay if we aren't the conventionally pretty type. Whenever she took pictures I always looked terrible. Also she would always ask me about my plans and stuff, really private things, I'd never reply, because I never talk about such things to anyone, but now looking back I can see so many red flags from her behaviour.
If God told you to do it, then yes.

Beyond this, in my own experiences, I've walked away from long term friendships because of the lack of boundaries and selfishness.
As an example (This was before I came to Christ) I had a 10 year friendship with a man which consisted of him calling me as he drove home from work to talk about his life (the good, the bad and the ugly) and I often could not get a word in edge-ways. He had crude humour and he put others down a lot also (he was a very unhappy person at the time). I remember calling him one time for a chat (outside our usual chat time) and he was very cold and distant. I would occasionally comment on his Facebook post and he would completely ignore me. I believe now he was a narcissist.

I finally woke up when I lost a very close (true) friend, and the response from the rest of my so-called "friends" spoke volumes. I walked away and I never once looked back in regret.
that guy certainly isn't your friend. you were right to purge them from your life. I recently have been ending a lot of friendships too, it comes to a point when you realise that being alone is so much better than being around people who are users and haters. I don't regret it, but because this friendship was 10 years old, I'm in a little shock.
 
Upvote 0

YahuahSaves

Well-Known Member
Nov 19, 2022
1,760
714
Melbourne
✟30,343.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I recently have been ending a lot of friendships too, it comes to a point when you realise that being alone is so much better than being around people who are users and haters. I don't regret it, but because this friendship was 10 years old, I'm in a little shock.
Narcissists will act like they love you but deep down they despise you because they see you as having "something" they don't have.
They often target generous, loving people because it feeds into their egos. It's about control with them.

Anyway, after coming to Christ I have had people around me that at times I want badly to walk away from, but since they're neighbours in my current living environment, I can't avoid them. God has shown me a lot about "loving my enemies", this past year, but I understand the difference now between helping people and letting them be too involved in my personal life (e.g becoming friends with such people).
We can love people and still have our boundaries firmly in place, there should be no guilt for that.
 
Upvote 0

By_the_Book

Life lived by the Bible is life worth living.
Jul 25, 2022
161
157
57
St. Augustine
Visit site
✟30,509.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Widowed
Politics
US-Republican
You wrote, "I finally sent her a text ending our friendship. I know I've done the right thing, but it..."

Three things here.

1 - You stated that you've already ended the friendship and that you know you've done the right thing but then you're asking people whether or not you've done the right thing. That doesn't make any sense. The time to ask for advice would have been beforehand because I'm sure at this point your friend is very hurt.

2 - You stated that you felt God's prompting to end the friendship five years ago, so you've had plenty of time to ask for counsel before you acted.

3 - Since it was 5 years ago when you felt God's prompting he also had plenty of time to gently back away from the friendship before things got so bad and in a manner that perhaps would have been less hurtful for everyone.

Quality relationships take wisdom to navigate. Keep that in mind going forward.
 
Upvote 0

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
GPM (Grace PM)
Narcissists will act like they love you but deep down they despise you because they see you as having "something" they don't have.
They often target generous, loving people because it feeds into their egos. It's about control with them.

Anyway, after coming to Christ I have had people around me that at times I want badly to walk away from, but since they're neighbours in my current living environment, I can't avoid them. God has shown me a lot about "loving my enemies", this past year, but I understand the difference now between helping people and letting them be too involved in my personal life (e.g becoming friends with such people).
We can love people and still have our boundaries firmly in place, there should be no guilt for that.
For sure, I don't know if she's a narc, but she does need to have a lot of control. Also, I didn't know this until recently, but she has a special needs brother who sort of got r*aped when he was young by a babysitter, and she hates him I don't mean like she wishes he was well, and maybe has a little of a mild annoyance, nope, she hates him, full blown hate. How can you hate someone for being special needs, especially if they are your family? She also never ever says things like sorry, etc, when she was wrong in our friendship. And always said to me "you're overthinking" when I'm worried, and when I gently tell her about certain things I'm unhappy with she will say, "Oh, I've helped you so much, but I never expect the same effort from others." Honestly the more I think about this the angrier I get. (Staff Edit)
 
Upvote 0

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
The enemy will always put a seed of doubt in our minds once we follow the Lord's instruction.
Just place it in the past now where it belongs and move forward the way the Lord is leading you.

Peace :wave:
for sure, thanks mate. thanks for sharing your story too
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: YahuahSaves
Upvote 0

YahuahSaves

Well-Known Member
Nov 19, 2022
1,760
714
Melbourne
✟30,343.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
For sure, I don't know if she's a narc, but she does need to have a lot of control. Also, I didn't know this until recently, but she has a special needs brother who sort of got r*aped when he was young by a babysitter, and she hates him I don't mean like she wishes he was well, and maybe has a little of a mild annoyance, nope, she hates him, full blown hate. How can you hate someone for being special needs, especially if they are your family? She also never ever says things like sorry, etc, when she was wrong in our friendship. And always said to me "you're overthinking" when I'm worried, and when I gently tell her about certain things I'm unhappy with she will say, "Oh, I've helped you so much, but I never expect the same effort from others." Honestly the more I think about this the angrier I get. (Staff Edit)

She may have been "over-looked" in her childhood because of her brother and her needs weren't met... lots of emotional and psychological problems can stem from neglect, but said "neglect" is perceived by the child emotionally, even if all physical needs are met, it's often not enough to produce a well-rounded adult.

But, regardless of her childhood, you aren't responsible for her and it doesn't mean you have to accept her abuse.

That being said, we can still pray for our enemies and not get entangled with them.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
She may have been "over-looked" in her childhood because of her brother and her needs weren't met... lots of emotional and psychological problems can stem from neglect, but said "neglect" is perceived by the child emotionally, even if all physical needs are met, it's often not enough to produce a well-rounded adult.

But, regardless of her childhood, you aren't responsible for her and it doesn't mean you have to accept her abuse.

That being said, we can still pray for our enemies and not get entangled with them.
hi Pipp, I think most people of my generation generally had parents that were truly far from perfect, so she is not the only one who has dealt with these issues. What has happened to us may have hurt us, and affects the way we perceive the world and ourselves, but it is truly no excuse for us to hurt others, especially someone who has taken the time to get to know you, stuck with you when times were hard, gave up certain things to make you happy, for a whole decade. I can understand the stray/idle frustration or antisocial thoughts towards strangers or acquaintances, it is only natural for us to want to protect ourselves, but when someone projects all their insecurities and resentment towards someone they think will likely not fight back for whatever reasons (usually people whom they consider as close friends or family) then I feel that it is unacceptable and the worse kind of blasphemy and felony. Sadly this is usually the case, that is why r*pe and even theft and assault usually is done by people whom are close or reasonable close to us. I think we as a society must stop giving excuses to people who had bad child hoods, because if you've seen the opposite, someone truly kind and has integrity, chances are their childhood probably had been worse than the narc's. Jeffrey Dahmer didn't kill because his parents neglected him. If that was the case, there would be many more homosexual killers out there.
 
Upvote 0

YahuahSaves

Well-Known Member
Nov 19, 2022
1,760
714
Melbourne
✟30,343.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
hi Pipp, I think most people of my generation generally had parents that were truly far from perfect, so she is not the only one who has dealt with these issues. What has happened to us may have hurt us, and affects the way we perceive the world and ourselves, but it is truly no excuse for us to hurt others, especially someone who has taken the time to get to know you, stuck with you when times were hard, gave up certain things to make you happy, for a whole decade. I can understand the stray/idle frustration or antisocial thoughts towards strangers or acquaintances, it is only natural for us to want to protect ourselves, but when someone projects all their insecurities and resentment towards someone they think will likely not fight back for whatever reasons (usually people whom they consider as close friends or family) then I feel that it is unacceptable and the worse kind of blasphemy and felony. Sadly this is usually the case, that is why r*pe and even theft and assault usually is done by people whom are close or reasonable close to us. I think we as a society must stop giving excuses to people who had bad child hoods, because if you've seen the opposite, someone truly kind and has integrity, chances are their childhood probably had been worse than the narc's. Jeffrey Dahmer didn't kill because his parents neglected him. If that was the case, there would be many more homosexual killers out there.
I absolutely agree.

Like the scripture says:

Romans 2

14 Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. 15 They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right. 16 And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life.
 
Upvote 0

Michie

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Feb 5, 2002
165,483
55,182
Woods
✟4,582,836.00
Country
United States
Faith
Catholic
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I met my ex best friend 10 years ago. Since about five years ago, I felt God asking me to end this friendship. I didn't listen to him, because I felt that I couldn't let go of this person because i'm a person who love friends and people. Anyway about two years ago, this person started disrespecting my boundaries. For example when we went out shopping, she would take pictures of what I bought and put it on her social media as if she was the one who bought it. She started fighting to eat at her favourite restaurants every time we hung out, even though I don't stay in the city like her and hardly get to eat at my favourite places. I compromise sometimes and eat where she wants but every time it is her turn to compromise, she gets angry and keeps saying things like 'you always want your way.' she also told me that she can't eat sugar because of an allergic reaction so she never wants to eat anything sweet when we are together, but when she is with other friends she drinks sweet coco, and eats all kinds of sugary treats. She also always sends me videos and reels, about 3-4 a day, even though I've told her at least five to six times that she must stop because I find it really annoying. she also likes sending me jokes such as "im waiting for you to be a millionaire so I can spend the money". she also thinks about me all the time, messaging me and saying things like oh I ate an egg today and thought of you because you taught me how to peel an egg" things like that. I don't even remember that I taught her how to peel an egg.

in my opinion, I think she has a love hate relationship with me. she either really hates me or loves me (in a lesbian way), because how she behaves kind of is in line with these kind of feelings. She really hates men and always rants to me about how men are rotten people, and she likes to put on fake moustaches and stuff, to be honest I was getting a bit creeped out and feeling kind of cringe, and I'm really glad I ended the friendship. Of course I was really blind to it, but I cannot turn a blind eye any longer. I finally sent her a text ending our friendship. I know I've done the right thing, but it still feels weird, like when I wake up I get this shock and short panic attack like, wow I ended this 10 year relationship I can't believe I did that!

Do you think I did the right thing and if I did, how should I learn to adjust to this?
If God was leading you to end it, that means you did the right thing. It does not mean you hate her or do not care about her but it was obviously an unhealthy connection. Friendships that become manipulative and stressful are not good for anyone and it just becomes emotionally draining. It has to be a two way street of respect and trust. Not an opportunity to feed unhealthy behavior and stress. Pray for her and be open to where God leads you in future friendships.
 
Upvote 0

BobRyan

Junior Member
Angels Team
Supporter
Nov 21, 2008
51,118
10,507
Georgia
✟899,902.00
Country
United States
Faith
SDA
Marital Status
Married
I met my ex best friend 10 years ago. Since about five years ago, I felt God asking me to end this friendship. I didn't listen to him, because I felt that I couldn't let go of this person because i'm a person who love friends and people. Anyway about two years ago, this person started disrespecting my boundaries. For example when we went out shopping, she would take pictures of what I bought and put it on her social media as if she was the one who bought it. She started fighting to eat at her favourite restaurants every time we hung out, even though I don't stay in the city like her and hardly get to eat at my favourite places. I compromise sometimes and eat where she wants but every time it is her turn to compromise, she gets angry and keeps saying things like 'you always want your way.' she also told me that she can't eat sugar because of an allergic reaction so she never wants to eat anything sweet when we are together, but when she is with other friends she drinks sweet coco, and eats all kinds of sugary treats. She also always sends me videos and reels, about 3-4 a day, even though I've told her at least five to six times that she must stop because I find it really annoying. she also likes sending me jokes such as "im waiting for you to be a millionaire so I can spend the money". she also thinks about me all the time, messaging me and saying things like oh I ate an egg today and thought of you because you taught me how to peel an egg" things like that. I don't even remember that I taught her how to peel an egg.

in my opinion, I think she has a love hate relationship with me. she either really hates me or loves me (in a lesbian way), because how she behaves kind of is in line with these kind of feelings. She really hates men and always rants to me about how men are rotten people, and she likes to put on fake moustaches and stuff, to be honest I was getting a bit creeped out and feeling kind of cringe, and I'm really glad I ended the friendship. Of course I was really blind to it, but I cannot turn a blind eye any longer. I finally sent her a text ending our friendship. I know I've done the right thing, but it still feels weird, like when I wake up I get this shock and short panic attack like, wow I ended this 10 year relationship I can't believe I did that!

Do you think I did the right thing and if I did, how should I learn to adjust to this?
Sounds like she has a problem - pray for her. Maybe God will send someone in her life that she will listen to and not be possessive of.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

InThePottersChamber

Active Member
Apr 29, 2017
98
59
Alabama
✟35,065.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I absolutely agree.

Like the scripture says:

Romans 2

14 Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. 15 They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right. 16 And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life.
thank you Pipp.
 
Upvote 0