The war continues to rage on and on, and seems to be escalating daily. The Republicans have launched what appears to be a surge movement against American Women.
Testimonies of atrocities continue to pour into our news headquarters here at MSNBC (now known as Men Should Never Be in Charge). Just yesterday, Lizzy Rambo, a student at Liberty College in Virginia was denied free birth control from her school, and was forced to risk life and limb, driving an entire 1.3 miles to the nearest Revco. She is now in R&R and is expected to survive.
Meanwhile that Axis of Evil (Men, Republicans and George W. Bush) are doing all they can to persecute women daily. Their newest technological weapon is said to be even more dangerous than bunker buster bombs. It's called an ultra-sound machine. These cruel Republicans and their court stooges are making it more and more difficult for the women of today to kill their unborn chil...., I mean to exercise their right to privacy. Some will be forced, often against their will, to witness the propaganda emanating from these machines, in the form of actual images of their own babi..., I mean incohate masses of cellular tissue, before they can make their PRIVATE decision to off their kids, I mean to terminate the unwanted growth in their extremely private bodies.
For a little cheerier news, we are happy to announce that our side has bestowed upon Sandra Fluke the Gertrude Stein Medal of Honor for bravery above and beyond the call of duty, in recognition of her having called to the attention of the nation how she had suffered the agony of having her law school refuse to pay for her protection, so she could have as much sex as she wants and to which she therefore has a right. Not since Nat Turner was denied food for three weeks by his plantation bossman have we seen such cruelty from the hands of men.
Although this war has yet to produce any physical casualties, the mental damage is incalculable. Saint Fluke alone has probably experienced incurable wounds from having been called a bad word. Words are the main weapon of these tyrants. Can sticks and stones, which can break our women's bones, be far behind?
But let's all honor our returning veterans. Tie a pink ribbon around the old oak tree, and let's welcome our women home from their Planned Parenthood appointment, especially after they have dispensed of their little private problem. If we find that this experience required them to endure the horror of observing a picketer holding a sign outside the clinic, then please do your best to help your comrade dispel these horrid images. Some veterans of this war have been known to experience flashbacks. Case in point: After eleven visits to a local clinic to eliminate eleven unwanted growths in her womb, Nancy Etheridge of Tolenko, Kansas, has been having nightmares for years. We suspect images of picketers or perhaps the countenance of Ralph Reed are what is haunting this bold young warrior, and depriving her of sleep.
We must be brave.
Testimonies of atrocities continue to pour into our news headquarters here at MSNBC (now known as Men Should Never Be in Charge). Just yesterday, Lizzy Rambo, a student at Liberty College in Virginia was denied free birth control from her school, and was forced to risk life and limb, driving an entire 1.3 miles to the nearest Revco. She is now in R&R and is expected to survive.
Meanwhile that Axis of Evil (Men, Republicans and George W. Bush) are doing all they can to persecute women daily. Their newest technological weapon is said to be even more dangerous than bunker buster bombs. It's called an ultra-sound machine. These cruel Republicans and their court stooges are making it more and more difficult for the women of today to kill their unborn chil...., I mean to exercise their right to privacy. Some will be forced, often against their will, to witness the propaganda emanating from these machines, in the form of actual images of their own babi..., I mean incohate masses of cellular tissue, before they can make their PRIVATE decision to off their kids, I mean to terminate the unwanted growth in their extremely private bodies.
For a little cheerier news, we are happy to announce that our side has bestowed upon Sandra Fluke the Gertrude Stein Medal of Honor for bravery above and beyond the call of duty, in recognition of her having called to the attention of the nation how she had suffered the agony of having her law school refuse to pay for her protection, so she could have as much sex as she wants and to which she therefore has a right. Not since Nat Turner was denied food for three weeks by his plantation bossman have we seen such cruelty from the hands of men.
Although this war has yet to produce any physical casualties, the mental damage is incalculable. Saint Fluke alone has probably experienced incurable wounds from having been called a bad word. Words are the main weapon of these tyrants. Can sticks and stones, which can break our women's bones, be far behind?
But let's all honor our returning veterans. Tie a pink ribbon around the old oak tree, and let's welcome our women home from their Planned Parenthood appointment, especially after they have dispensed of their little private problem. If we find that this experience required them to endure the horror of observing a picketer holding a sign outside the clinic, then please do your best to help your comrade dispel these horrid images. Some veterans of this war have been known to experience flashbacks. Case in point: After eleven visits to a local clinic to eliminate eleven unwanted growths in her womb, Nancy Etheridge of Tolenko, Kansas, has been having nightmares for years. We suspect images of picketers or perhaps the countenance of Ralph Reed are what is haunting this bold young warrior, and depriving her of sleep.
We must be brave.
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