Wanting to press the pause button

[sweaterpoorlyknit]

We're both Christians and are in a committed relationship of 3 years and we fool around quite a bit but we don't have sex. (Please don't start the whole what's considered sex thing) At times I'm completely fine with it and figure we're saving the best for last and doing so avoiding issues and stress that comes along with sex that I would be uncomfortable were we not married. Then again I feel so guilty because I wish I could be white as snow when it came to it but we are both just so incredibly attracted to eachother.

Anyways I guess my point here is have any of you gone further than your original plan and then got back on track? I know he's proposing sometime soon so I've been playing with the idea of using that as a way to have a fresh start. We're going to have a very long engagment though so I don't know if that could help or hurt us in the attempt. I know FH wouldn't like the idea but for me would stop. I just can't see myself actually carrying it out... So. Help?

 

[unkern]

When I was in high school I met a girl that I dated for 2 years, a couple months in we began to have oral sex, after that we did not stop, I said to myself the same thing "this is ok, its not sex" "We'll save the best for marriage". After we broke up I started seeing lots of women, I would not have sex with them but performed lots of oral things with them. I got lost in it hoping that somehow doing this would satisfy me, NOPE. I decide to refrain from all of it, and I did. I met my wife and married her, and it was amazing having a sexual relationship with her, but those images that were in my head took forever to get rid of, I had ruined something special for just us.

My advice to you would not necessarily be to stop the marriage, but to keep from doing anything until that time, in hopes that you may still get a blessing on your marriage from the Lord

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

You're going to hit a major issue if you use being engaged as a reason to start over and stop. Obviously, you've stepped into the realm of things he will now expect from your relationship, and telling a guy that the pleasure will now come to an end because you suddenly feel guilty enough to stop doing things will only create problems or cause you to curse yourself every time you fail at keeping to your commitment.

I was engaged before I got married to another girl. We were did all that stuff and ended up breaking up. It sucks to have the feeling that my wife is not my first.

Bottom line, if you feel you need to stop, don't wait till you're engaged, do it now and use nothing as a good excuse to break that. He might not be happy, but he also needs to respect your decision if he truly does love you. Stick to it and use resources to prevent you from failing in your decision. Learn self-control. It's not as difficult as we make it out to be.

 

[sweaterpoorlyknit]

Thanks for the replies... Of course engagement isn't coming for a fresh start, it's to be engaged so we can plan our marriage! I just wanted to know if anyone had done it... We're so in love and have a very healthy relationship and the messing around isn't needed to keep it afloat. He knows he can live without it and isn't the type to pressure. I'm not going to wait untill we're engaged to stop either, that's silly seeing as I don't know when it will be. But since I know it's coming now seems like a good time to have a serious talk about it. We have before and of course slip up every now and then. So is our marriage destined to lack blessing because we weren't completely pure?

 

[Windmill]

Thanks for the replies... Of course engagement isn't coming for a fresh start, it's to be engaged so we can plan our marriage! I just wanted to know if anyone had done it... We're so in love and have a very healthy relationship and the messing around isn't needed to keep it afloat. He knows he can live without it and isn't the type to pressure. I'm not going to wait untill we're engaged to stop either, that's silly seeing as I don't know when it will be. But since I know it's coming now seems like a good time to have a serious talk about it. We have before and of course slip up every now and then. So is our marriage destined to lack blessing because we weren't completely pure?

The only way this will happen is if you do not give your blessing to the marriage yourselves.

Nothing has cursed your marriage or taken away from it. Your marriage can be just as great as anyone elses who was "pure" all throughout their engagement. The reason you are stopping doing this is because you feel convicted that it is a sin for you to do this.

Mental baggage that comes along with it e.g. "our marriage is missing something" is just that: mental baggage. Its about it being a sin for you.

In the secular world people often have multiple sexual partners before getting married. These marriages work fine. No one feels like they missed out on anything. Why does that suddenly mean as a Christian you have too? The only thing you have committed is a sin and lets face it we all have committed sins in our life. You haven't destroyed or hurt your marriage if both of you view it that way and let go of your guilt. On your wedding night embrace what good consequences came about your extra-marital fooling around: you'll both be far more likely to have better actual intercourse and it'll be less awkward. So thats some good that will have come out of it!

Essentially: stop what you're doing and don't focus on the negatives but the positives.

 

[sweaterpoorlyknit]

Okay... we talked some about it and I asked him what we should do. He said well, we should stop. We both just don't understand how we can do it but I trust that anything's possible with God. I've been reading this book and I want to be a good Godly woman so I can be a good Godly wife. I don't want to have to feel guilty every time the subject of sex comes up. I want it to be something we messed up with but conquered until our wedding night.. I appreciate that comment about looking at the positives. That made me feel a little better that it won't completely ruin it. That's actually how I thought of it too. I also don't want to get back into that mindset that it's okay and all... because if I feel convicted about it there's obviously a reason. I'm just taking figuring this out one step and a time and I've been praying and am going to pray more and reconnect with God because I've drifted a little from him. I don't want to feel so connected to another human if it means disconnecting from the Heavenly Father... :/ I know that true satisfaction comes from a close relationship with Him and not getting what I want, because even if I get what I want I'll just be afraid of losing it and the peace never comes. I'm kind of just thinking out loud so to say, haha.

 

[Windmill]

Okay... we talked some about it and I asked him what we should do. He said well, we should stop. We both just don't understand how we can do it but I trust that anything's possible with God. I've been reading this book and I want to be a good Godly woman so I can be a good Godly wife. I don't want to have to feel guilty every time the subject of sex comes up. I want it to be something we messed up with but conquered until our wedding night.. I appreciate that comment about looking at the positives. That made me feel a little better that it won't completely ruin it. That's actually how I thought of it too. I also don't want to get back into that mindset that it's okay and all... because if I feel convicted about it there's obviously a reason. I'm just taking figuring this out one step and a time and I've been praying and am going to pray more and reconnect with God because I've drifted a little from him. I don't want to feel so connected to another human if it means disconnecting from the Heavenly Father... :/ I know that true satisfaction comes from a close relationship with Him and not getting what I want, because even if I get what I want I'll just be afraid of losing it and the peace never comes. I'm kind of just thinking out loud so to say, haha.

Its good you thought of that!

You slipped but we all slip. Slipping in sex is no worse than slipping in appetite. But how many people do we see beating themselves up over gluttony? None. But how many over sex? Tons.

The idea that it makes sex on your wedding night less special is a lie. It just makes it different. Still special.

And if you slip up in trying to remain your chasity, then don't fret. Just pick yourself up, seek forgiveness and try your hardest again. You do not have to beat yourself up or feel guilty after you have repented. It doesn't make you a better person nor discourage you from doing it again! If anything it degrades your self confidence and will make you more susectable to it because you'll feel so down on yourself/worthless! Its a huge temptation and its really hard. You aren't alone in this! Plenty of people are in the same boat as you

 

[Luther073082]

So is our marriage destined to lack blessing because we weren't completely pure?

Has your life been destined to a lack of blessing because of your previous sins?

Forget about purity, I hate that word because the term has become a competition as to who can be less intimate with people of the opposite sex before they are married. Now people are out there saying you shouldn't hold hands before you are married. All in the name of their so called "purity".

True purity only comes in Christ. If you can go to Christ, then you can find God's blessings in him.

None of this excuses what you have been doing with your boyfriend. But sex does not cut you off from grace.

 

[dobieman0488]

sex does mean that you will have a higher chance foor divorce.

 

[Luther073082]

sex does mean that you will have a higher chance foor divorce.

Coorilation does not always indicate cause and effect though.

The cause most likely is that most of the people who arn't having pre-marital sex are also people who don't belive in divorce except in adultry, abuse, or abandonment. Therefore those people are going to be less likely to divorce on the whole.

The key part is not believing or accepting divorce except in cases of adultry, abuse, or abandonment and not the sex.

 

[sweaterpoorlyknit]

Thank you for the responses, I have a feeling this is begining to become a debate and I'd like for you to maybe start another thread.

We have not had sex and will not until out wedding night. We have talked about our desires and most importantly what God wants for us and are leaning on Him to guide us through the remainder of our dating, engagement, and ultimately marriage.

Thank you so much for the advice and I'd appreciate it if there would be no more responses, save for those regarding your own personal experiences on the subject and not random replies meant to discourage.

 

[up_to_Him]

I've been in a similar situation recently. I've had sex before I became a Christian and being physical was a big part of why my ex and I broke up. My current girlfriend and I started out saying that we would not do anything that we would ever be ashamed of and that everything we did should be for the glory of God. I asked her if kissing was ok before marriage and she believed so. I wasn't so sure. Even though she said it was ok we held off on it for as long as we could. When we did end up kissing it went too far. She's never been in a relationship before and is probably considered quite pure. After it happened I felt really ashamed and guilty. I knew what we did was wrong but at the same time I wanted to do it again. By the grace of God I mustered up the courage to talk to her about it. I almost wanted to not tell her and just keep doing it and bring it up later but I knew that wouldn't be right. Even though she said she enjoyed it and didn't try to stop me, she said she would've been disappointed if I had not brought it up.

Even though I felt bad about it and knew it was wrong, I wasn't convicted of it. While it was happening I felt so much love for her and I just wanted to express it physically. After it happened, I realized that it was the exact opposite. I didn't love her at all when I did it. I loved myself. I succumbed to my own selfish desires. It wasn't like i was ignorant about it or anything. I knew the potential consequences of the action and the possibility of it ruining our future together but I did it anyway because I was selfish. I felt like I had violated her. She knows about my past and even though she does she still gave me a chance and didn't judge me and I felt like I broke that trust when she put herself out there for me.

The thing is, it's not an act of love before marriage, especially when you feel like what you are doing is wrong. That person is someone's daughter/son, someone's sister/brother, God's child. God gave them to you as a give and trusted you with them. After realizing what I really did and how it had affected her, it was a lot easier to hate the sin instead of trying to resist it. I didn't even have the urge anymore. I think it helps to resist the urge if you really realize what your actions mean.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

The thing is, it's not an act of love before marriage, especially when you feel like what you are doing is wrong. That person is someone's daughter/son, someone's sister/brother, God's child. God gave them to you as a give and trusted you with them. After realizing what I really did and how it had affected her, it was a lot easier to hate the sin instead of trying to resist it. I didn't even have the urge anymore. I think it helps to resist the urge if you really realize what your actions mean.

 

[Windmill]

I totally disagree. It can be an act of love, its just an act of love that you shouldn't be doing.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I just don't get how it is an act of love when one or both people think it is wrong. I agree that if you're doing it anyway, especially if the other person is not comfortable with it (and that was the jist I got from his post), then it is more selfish than loving.

 

[up_to_Him]

Regardless of if the other person thinks it's wrong or not, if you feel that it's wrong and you know that God is telling you in your heart that it is wrong, then it can never be an act of love. If you think it out logically and thoroughly then it makes sense. God is giving me this feeling that it is wrong. I have a guilty feeling because it is wrong. But I also have a desire to do it because I'm human and I love her, supposedly. If I truly loved her would I risk doing something for instant gratification against our own well being? I don't think so. When you choose your own selfish desires (or both of your own selfish desires) over the best interest of your significant other, I don't see how that could possibly be love. I don't think there's such a thing as an act of love you shouldn't be doing, doesn't really make sense to me.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Even though I felt bad about it and knew it was wrong, I wasn't convicted of it. While it was happening I felt so much love for her and I just wanted to express it physically. After it happened, I realized that it was the exact opposite. I didn't love her at all when I did it. I loved myself. I succumbed to my own selfish desires. It wasn't like i was ignorant about it or anything. I knew the potential consequences of the action and the possibility of it ruining our future together but I did it anyway because I was selfish. I felt like I had violated her. She knows about my past and even though she does she still gave me a chance and didn't judge me and I felt like I broke that trust when she put herself out there for me.

The thing is, it's not an act of love before marriage, especially when you feel like what you are doing is wrong. That person is someone's daughter/son, someone's sister/brother, God's child. God gave them to you as a give and trusted you with them. After realizing what I really did and how it had affected her, it was a lot easier to hate the sin instead of trying to resist it. I didn't even have the urge anymore. I think it helps to resist the urge if you really realize what your actions mean.

I am impressed with the maturity and wisdom in such a young man. I didn't really even get this until about a year ago. I was driving around a few days after attending a single's seminar and it suddenly hit me that what had been missing from most of my relationships was the concern of my spiritual walk on the part of the men I had been involved with. I can only think of 3 of many men I've gone out with who showed any kind of regard for my walk during our friendship/relationships. One "christian" who would never miss church on Sunday actually tried to force himself on me during a make out session and felt no remorse despite us having several conversations about how disappointed I would be in myself if I failed to stay chaste until marriage. Hearing about how I felt pre-marital sex would hurt my relationship with God had absolutely no affect on him.

A man who has a growing relationship with God and understands his role as protector shines so brightly among all the others.

 

[up_to_Him]

Thank you for your encouraging words! I only have God to thank and not myself for striving after Him. Fortunately for us, the biggest reason why we were attracted to each other was because of our abilities to help each other grow spiritually and become closer to God. When you put God first everything else follows afterward. Before this relationship and before I came to truly know God, I was a lazy selfish follower. Being in this relationship has forced me to become a leader spiritually and take responsibility for our actions. I pray that you never give up despite past failures and continue growing into the kind of person God wants you to be until the day God feels you are ready and brings you together with the person you are meant to be with.

For anyone that was wondering in case they were trying to get as close to "the line" as possible without crossing it, we did not have sex, but there was making out involved and inappropriate touching involved (nothing below the waist), but it was still too far. It shouldn't be about having sex or not, it should be about if your actions are glorifying to God or not.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I pray that you never give up despite past failures and continue growing into the kind of person God wants you to be until the day God feels you are ready and brings you together with the person you are meant to be with.

After all those disappointing relationships it was easy to see that my "friend" was a man of character and possessed everything I was needing in a mate. Somehow he thought I was some kind of miracle who possessed the qualities he had wanted in a woman, but had stopped believing he would find such a person. So now we're engaged.