Wanna Kill Myself

[Cher]

"Yeah, you want the consequences of your sin to go away, but you do not want to give up the sin or being a sinner."
so, being depressed and feeling lonely and hating myself are the consequences of my sins???
and how do you know i dont wanna stop doing these sins, heh? more than anything!!!! i would give anything i have to stop doing these sins!!!

Pharoah Monch, I am so glad that you want to give up these sins. You can do it, I know you can. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. God will help you get through this. He is right now. How are you feeling today? I can tell your stronger and God will finish the work in you that He has begun. God bless you and help you fight off evil temptations. Think about the consequence of continuing in sin -death in the Pit of Hell for all enterinty. Burning hot where sinners chew on their tongues and cry out for Jesus to take them out of there. But Jesus says it to late you had your chance. It has given God alot of pain to see you suffer. God has deep feelings and emotions much stronger than we can imagine. He wants you to come home to be his dear sweet child and not to wonder off the pathway to rightiousness (heaven). You can do it.

 

[all smiles]

I have been through what you are going through now Pharoah. I thought life couldn't get any worse and I was depressed. I felt alone and scred to face the world. To solve this I decided to commit suicide and took a knife to school the next day. It was then that one of my friends worked out what was going on and tried to stop me. He told me that if I do this it would be pain for everyone I knew. He told me that everyone would be devistated if I did it. I didn't listen to him and decided to go through with it. In the process of trying to cut my wrists all of a sudden something made me want to hold of for at least one more day....When I got home my parents found the knife in my bag and realised what was going on. As soon as i saw my parents look on their faces and whitnessed their cries I realised that by committing suicide I would not only be hurting myslef but other too. People who really cared about me. THAT is when I woke up and got help and am now much better than before. Just remember that Pharoah. Remember that you are not only hurting yourslef but others too.

I shall pray for you.

 

[babeinthewoods]

Pharoah,
I have been where you are and have felt the pain that you are feeling. Although you feel alone and that there is no-one who can understand your pain, you are not. There are many people who also know how abandoned you feel because they have been "at rock bottom" at some time in their life also. But Jesus is with you now - He knows also how it feels to be forsaken and abandoned and alone. He died for you and I, so that we may have enternity with our God. He not only loves you just the way that you are, He loves you JUST BECAUSE you are - just because you exist you are showered in His love. Look up to our Lord, Pharoah.

I pray that you will not try to win this battle without human support too. The evil one has a hold on you and knows that you are at a desperate place in your life. He is "helping" you along in your deperation. SEEK HELP NOW PHAROAH. From either a mental health organization, the emergency room, a pastor, (go to the emergency room and ask for the hospital pastor) SOMEONE who can lend you strength to get through this trial until you are stronger.

I will be praying for you, please let us (or PM me) to let us know how you are.

 

[Susan]

Don't do it! I'm sorry for sounding so simple with that and not having any *reasons* right now, but I'm crying because someone I used to know just attempted suicide.

Suicide isn't a way out. It isn't a solution. Please . .don't do it

 

[Pharoah Monch]

i dont feel as bas as i did the day i started the thread....but still...it hurts a lot....and i still hate myself...very much...

 

[semodana]

I will pray for you.
Life can seem as if there is no where to turn but you must remember God loves you and he gave is only son for us.....everyone.....
You have to level with your family, call them tonight and tell them you need help and support. Anytime ones thinks of suicide it is very serouis. You need some professional help.
Don't ever give up on yourself. Some times we have to push our selves to accomplish things.
First and foremost get some professional help in dealing with you depressive state.
Be kind to yourself, learn to accept your self and like your self.
Praise God and listen for his voice to help guide you though this turmoil you are in. He loves you as he loves all of us.
I will pray for you daily. Read the gospel of John....
Dana

 

[Funkmd]

Pharoah

I have been down your road before, and I can tell you there is an end to your pain. I have been working through issues of my own for a few years now, but I havent taken a step with out Christian fellowship. I see you talked about your dad. That seems to be a stem of huge pain for you right now, and you know what, so was mine. One way you can move through these wounds is through intimate prayer with your true father, the father that looks down from heaven and says to you EVERY TIME "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."

I have thought about suicide many times. I have lived through many dangerous moments in my life that I look back at and thank God for his strength for pulling me through.

If you want to talk to me privately just PM me, I'll be happy to chat up old stories or just share my pain with you and you can share with me.


----------------------------------------------------------------------
" The glory of God is man fully alive "

Saint Irenaeus

 

[* kittie *]

hey,
even though we may be experiencing completely different things, i kinda know how you feel.
like i feel completely lost. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to call out to God, because i have so many issues (me always being so up & down, and cold to God). even though i know that's not true, everything that's a part of me forces me to think otherwise.

but first, you don't need to be so hard on yourself for your thoughts. i'm not saying they're right...it's just that some people have things in their life that are harder to deal with. personally, i don't believe that there is one sin that is worth than the next. still, i know it must be tough having to deal with those thoughts, but i just hope that you can hang in there. i think God (here i go, preaching again...sorry) knows our weakness. if you can't fight it, then all you can do is give it to him. i don't think it means that you suddenly won't have a problem with porn. but the desire for it will go away in time. i saw a lot of that in my life, to where i had problems i just couldn't stop. it was like it was a part of me. and in a sense, i "liked it". so instead of beating yourself up over it...sometimes God is the only person who can take a desire for that sin away. like with me, one problem i had was being so judgemental. i hated that about me, but i couldn't stop thinking about people sometimes. and i'd get so mad every night over it, until i finally did pray. it's been some time, but now it's like i just don't. even the worst of people, i've become more accepting. i try to get in other people's shoes before criticizing them for a problem they can't control. i'm sorry for having to preach to say all that ^. but i'm truly sorry that you're struggling.

also, i wonder about the same thing about life. why the pain...? ugh...it always makes me sad that so many people are struggling. i really don't know what i can say to you to help you. sometimes, some advice is best left for later. but seriously, i hope things get better for you. if you're feeling lonely, PM me sometime. i'm not the most sociable person, but i don't want you to feel like that. i guess i could learn a lot too. i wish things get clearer for you. take care

 

[GodOwnsMe]

*nother hug* when hating myself, I'd always find it so cool that God'll forgive me and make me completely new, wash everything thats been away when I repent & turn to Him. But thinking stuff like that (self-hate) was pretty much some way "out of" feeling so pressed..or when something bad had happened I did.
But I'm not sure, I've never hated myself before I read about ppl doing it & got into negative thinking again.
Well if it's that [way out of....for you], I can pretty much go with, hey, that's one of the worst ways to deal with this to go so deep down w/ Your thoughts, try something else... best running to God....cause that's "where my help comes from anyway" and, look up instead of down ("lift your eyes up to the mountains"...like in psalm 121) [told that stuff to myself] God Bless you, don't give up

 

[BigToe]

God loved you thousands of years before you were born. He thought that YOU were special and He loved you dearly. He knew that people chose bad things that seperate them from Him. But God thought that you were so special that He didn't want to be apart from you, ever. So He sent Jesus to die so that you would always be able to turn to Him. God wants to be a part of your life in every single way. He wants to be your best friend. God wants you to know that He is always there for you. He is reaching out to you to hold your hand right now. I pray that you are able to see that and grab ahold of His hand and draw on Him for strength.

Thinking bad thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes we have "fantasies" that are just that. And a fantasy is a healthy way to deal with weird emotions. Remember that it is just a fantasy. It doesn't mean you want to do those things for real, or that you have anything wrong with you.

Counseling is always a good idea, even if you aren't depressed. It is healthy to purge yourself of those emotions you can't seem to come into contact with on your own. Many communities have free counseling centers. Local churches also have lists of area therapists. Many times mental health care professionals are willing to work out payment plans if you cannot afford it. If you need help finding someone, I am willing to help you do research.

Know that people care about you immensely. God really loves you and wants to meet with you as your friend.

 

[Sean524]

pharoah, you have an email adress or any kind of messenger service? I want to talk to you. I've known someone who committed suicide - not a pleasant thing, but I've been lonely lately too, so if you want, I would be more than happy to talk.

 

[desi]

Rob killed himself with a shotgun to the face, they had to have a closed casket funeral. Rob was a grade ahead of me in high school but he was cool with a girl I was friends with, she and him hung in the smoker/jean jacket group most people did not care for. While I was not it that group, my popularity never took off at my own high school although I was quite a hit around the city. I met Rob during a lunch period when the girl I was friends with, Ann, convinced me to ditch with her and her friends, they were one year ahead of me. We went out for tacos and BSed. We got back a bit late and took some heat for it from the teachers. The impression Rob gave me was of a kind quiet fellow, he had beautiful blue eyes, long dark hair, and a thin frame. About a year or so after the day I met him Ann called me one night crying about how Rob was dead. It took me awhile to place him, but when I did I asked her what happened. She said she was not sure. The next day the rumor was he shot himself. The day after that we found out he did indeed shoot himself and the funeral was friday, the principal said any students who wanted to go to the funeral could. Many students did not go to school that friday, where most of them went I don't know. I was not going to go to the funeral but Ann asked me to because her boyfriend, 'didn't do suicides.' So since I had to go I convinced my two best friends they should go too so we all went. I've been to several funerals in my life and none of them have been pleasant but this was the worst one I've ever been to. Aside from me, Ann, and my two friends the only other people to show up were Rob's parents and younger sister, and of course the minister. When we arrived at the gravesite from the mortuary the minister and Rob's sobbing father looked to me and my friends then at the casket. Just as I was about to object the minister quietly and politely asked my friends and I to help carry the casket which we did in stunned silence. The casket was heavier than I thought it would be. The minister said a few words and Robs dad thanked us profusely for helping to carry his son's casket before we went home. The hurt in Rob's father's eyes haunts me to this day. The only time I've ever seen anything like it is when my great grandfather sobbed at my grandfather's funeral. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. I had forgotten about Rob as most others have. He was once a beautiful person who could have chosen to grow up and do anything he wanted. Ann said what he wanted most in the world was to buy a pickup truck and "trick it out." But he will never do that now. He never graduated, never got married, possibly never had sex with a woman. He missed out on so many things I count myself blessed to have experienced. His parents will always be in mourning over their loss. My great grandfather died shortly after my grandfather. I don't know why I took the time to mention this but I feel its appropriate nonetheless.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Many folks here have been right where you are. Once it gets this bad, it is time to get some professional help. Don't feel like you failed. It is most likely a chemical imbalance along with extenuating circumstances. But you do have a responsibility now that you know this. You must get help. Talk to a counselor, friend, family member, or qualified person but get help. God helps us but sometimes we have to show enough commitment to him to take the first step. Only after this can you get your life back and stop sinning. You can do it and we are behind you but we want to hear that you are taking the first step. Ok? Praying for you!!

 

[doofus125]

Pharoah, You are not alone. I am in the same boat as you except for on how I want to do it. After reading how much pain you are in it made me realize that I'm not alone. Know this, you did not do anything to deserve the way you feel, God hasn't deserted you, he is still there waiting for both of us to come to him. I will tell you what has failed you though, it's the church and other christians. I'm tired of not fitting in and being alone....I have 1 friend who lives 600 miles away......I know the emptiness, I know the hurt, I know the random sex partners, I know the pain you are going through because I have been living it for the past 4 years...Please contact me, I really would like to talk to you....

 

[Sean524]

doofus125, I'm here to talk to you too man

 

[ZiSunka]

i dont feel as bas as i did the day i started the thread....but still...it hurts a lot....and i still hate myself...very much...

You may hate yourself, but God loves you. He gave you a life to live it to the fullest, not to take from yourself when things get hard. Throw yourself into His lap and you will find rest and comfort, and He will teach you how to let go of what you think about yourself, and cling to what He thinks of you.

 

[BattleAxe]

I just wanted to add that killing yourself is not the answer. We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. God will forgive and heal you. He is showing you right now. How do I know? Because you posted here and so many are reaching out to you. That is not by chance, that is Jesus.
I agree that you may need to seek professional help. Don't be ashamed to do that. And also please pray. Sometimes it feels like prayer is not worth it and that we shouldn't even bother, but do bother. Jesus said to cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you. I have you in my prayers and know I am not perfect, pray for me too.

Much love in Christ

 

[psycmajor]

That was a touching story, desi.

 

[Pharoah Monch]

yo, thanks guys for all y'all comments...i have been feeling better this past week, i dont wanna kill myself anymore, but these feelings come and go, and the sadness is always there, the loneliness, the fear of going outside, rejection, having no friends, and struggling with these doubts i always have about my writings......i havent prayed as much as i like, but i have at least asked God for help, i'm really tired of living like this and i'm realizing that suicide isnt the answer.......God didnt bring me all the way here to quit now, so, i'm confident that God will keep those suicidal thoughts off my head...i just feel like i've disappointed God, and my family, and my pastors, cause see...Jesus saved me from this pact i once made with the devil for my soul...yes, i sold my soul and i know it belongs to Jesus now, but i keep doing bad things and failing and stuff, and it makes me feel like i let God down...i wanna do God's will but is the last thing i do, i wouldnt care if i was lonely or if i was rejected, as long as i was obidient to God's word...thats why i think God forgot about me...

 

[* kittie *]

hey, i understand how you feel. and if you're ever feeling like that, don't be afraid to write it here.
and i'm so glad that you're feeling better. and i hope it's a sign for better times. even if things get tough, i hope that you'll be able to overcome.

eh...wish i could listen to myself when i'm feeilng like that. but anyways, i know you can do it.