Waitress Confused By Inconsistent Vegetarian-The Onion Dome

This one is an absolute riot!

http://www.theoniondome.com/2004/05/14/

Waitress Confused By Inconsistent Vegetarian
May 14, 2004
Takhoma Park, Maryland, USA Waitress Sara Zorman, 37, of Bob’s Diner here in sleepy Takhoma Park, finds herself confused by one of her regular patrons.

“This guy Tim has been coming here since February,” explains Zorman. “When he first started coming, he always got something vegetarian — the Veggie Plate Special, the Bean Burrito with no cheese or sour cream, something like that. He’d come here maybe once or twice a week, and it was always ‘no cheese, no sour cream, no dairy, no meat.’ Then, all of a sudden, he’s getting the double bacon cheeseburger, the French dip sandwich, the Reuben, and washing it down with a milkshake. Then bang! it’s back to iced tea and no cheese and no meat for one day, and the next day it’s beef stroganoff with extra sour cream. I can’t figure this guy out. Is he a vegetarian who falls off the wagon? Is he a meat eater with occasional twinges of veggie conscience? I don’t get it.”

“Can you describe him to me?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“Well he’s a pretty ordinary looking guy, except for the really long beard,” answered Zorman. “That and the little button of some sort of religious picture on his jacket. Like maybe Jesus with a gold halo, in red robes. Does that matter?”

“I think what you have here is an Orthodox Christian,” opined Dr. Yeraslav Penguin, St. Gregory of Nyssa PRofessor of Liturgical Histrionics at St. Toucan’s Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe.

“A what?” wondered Zorman.

“Tell me, does he make any kind of prayer before he eats?” asked Dr. Penguin.

“Yeah he bows his head and mumbles some words — seems to take forever,” affirmed Zorman.

A knowing glance and nod passed between our intrepid Onion Dome reporter and Dr. Penguin.

“He also makes some kind of wavy motion with his hand on his head and his chest,” continued Zorman.

A pair of broad grins joined the glance and nod.

Just then, in walked a pretty ordinary-looking guy with a really long beard, who took a seat at the lunch counter.

“Is that him?” pantomimed Dr. Penguin silently.

“Are you Orthodox?” asked our intrepid editor, strolling up to the man.

“Huh? Who are you? What are you talking about?” asked the man.

“Let me start again. My name is Alex Riggle and I’m the editor of the Onion Dome, an online magazine of Orthodox Christian satire.”

“Ummmm — I think I’d like a taco today,” said the man, grabbing his jacket and sprinting for the door.

“That wasn’t him,” said Zorman.

“Oops — sorry about that,” said our intrepid editor.

“He doesn’t come here every day,” offered Zorman. “He may not be in today at all.”

“Is that him?” asked our intrepid editor as another bearded man entered the restaurant.

“Nope,” said Zorman.

“That one?”

“Nope.”

“That one?”

“Nope.”

“What’s going on here — it’s like there’s a beard-grower’s convention!” complained Dr. Penguin.

“Indeed there is!” said a man with an exceptionally long beard. “We’re just taking a lunch break and then it’s back to the display booths and competitions. My name is Wayne. I’m the president of the American Beard-Growers Club.” The bearded man offered our intrepid editor his hand for shaking.

“Pleased to meet you,” said our intrepid editor, shaking the profferred hand.

“That’s a nice one you’ve got there,” said Wayne, examining our intrepid editor’s beard. “You should join the club!”

“Do you have many Orthodox Christians in your club?” wondered our intrepid editor.

“Oh yes,” said Wayne. “In fact, this year our special guest speaker is a Russian Orthodox priest from Australia, of all places!”

“Oh, no! Don’t tell me!” gasped our intrepid editor.

“IS OUTRAGE!” said a familiar voice. “I cannot get away from this intrepid editor no matter what I am doing or where I am going!”

“Hello, Father Vasiliy. A blessing,” said our intrepid editor, offering his cupped hands.

Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich, official Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) spokesman, parish priest of Sts. Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church in Sydney, NSW, Australia, and five-time national Australian beard-growing champion, pronounced a blessing on our intrepid editor and took a menu.

“If you are not to mind, I am going to sit down and eat lunch. I have speech to give in one hour,” said Fr. Vasiliy.

“By all means,” said our intrepid editor.

Dr. Penguin glanced at his digital watch. “Wednesday,” said Dr. Penguin. “I predict the fellow in the black robes is going to order something vegetarian,” he added.

“We’ll see,” said Zorman.

After we ate a delicious vegetarian lunch, and all the conventioneers left the restaurant, Zorman came back with the check and asked, “How did you know that old guy was going to eat something vegetarian?”

“It’s Wednesday,” explained Dr. Penguin unhelpfully.

“Is he always this informative?” Zorman asked our intrepid editor.

“Sometimes even less so,” said our intrepid editor.

“You must be a seminary professor,” Zorman told Dr. Penguin.

“That’s amazing!” said Dr. Penguin.

“No it’s quite simple. You gave me an answer to a question I didn’t ask in response to a different question which you have left unanswered. You’re either a politician or a seminary professor.”

“So how did you know I wasn’t a politician?” asked Dr. Penguin.

“You left a tip,” answered Zorman.

“Perhaps I should think about going into....” began Dr. Penguin.

“Don’t even think it, Dr. P,” said our intrepid editor. “Don’t even think it.”

Reutorooters and Untied Press Interrational provided invaluable something or other for this article.

This report was filed by our intrepid Onion Dome editor Alex Riggle.
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Copyright © 2002-2004 Alex Riggle. All rights reserved.

Wow, I did not know what I would start just by passing on a page from theoniondome! Xenia, Unfonium and Aria, excellent defenses of Orthodoxy my friends!