Virgin vs. Non-virgin

[Archangel Raziel]

Hello,

I am currently at a stage in my relationship where I'm unsure whether it's the one God has planned for me or not, and I'd like some advice.

I've been together with my boyfriend for over three years now. He's a wonderful person who demonstrates his love for me every single day we're together. Of course, we have our share of disagreements and bumps in the road, but we have resolved each one as it rises and are still in a thriving relationship.

Except for one major issue...

He lost his virginity in high school to his ex-girlfriend. I am still a virgin. We started dating during our senior year of high school, and I found out two months in that he was not a virgin. I was devastated because I hold virginity in extremely high regard, but instead of dumping him at that moment, I decided to try to forgive and continue with the relationship.

Three years later, he has proven to be a good man (also a practicing Catholic) who has remained faithful and good to me. However, even after three years of praying for God to grant me the ability to forgive him for having sex when he was 16, I still harbor a deep, resentful grudge against his actions in the past.

We have discussed how I feel about this, and while he is utterly remorseful that he lost his virginity before meeting me, I just can't find it in me to forgive him. Also, he wants to marry me in two years after we graduate college, but I don't want to agree to marriage with him if I still have doubts that this is what God had planned for me.

I've always considered my love for him to run deep and true, but would the fact that I still feel this intense resentment against that one issue be a sign that my love might not be so deep after all?

 

[K9_Trainer]

You really need to do some praying about this.

Whether he is the right one for you is something only you can decide with God's help.

But as for the virginity issue, how much does it really matter in the long run? He wasn't thinking about you, or his future wife when he did it, but it's not your fault. He was 16 and 16 year olds are not fully developed emotionally. This means that they are incapable of understanding the long term consequences of their actions. I'm not saying this to justify his actions, because obviously it was still wrong. But I do think that needs to be taken into consideration. At this point, being resentful and holding a grudge for it is unfair to him. What matters isn't what he did in the past, but what you and him will be in the future. He's already proven he's a faithful, respectful young man. The past is the past and while it can't be changed, I'm sure he would if he could.

If you can't accept it and move on, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and where it's going to go.

 

[Penguin50388]

I agree with K9, the only thing that keeps me from being in the exact same boat as your boy is one decision (actually, one decision and a text message). Pray and look for God's leading on the matter, He'll show you what you need to see for the next step.

 

[MilitantSheep]

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 11 months now- he's a virgin and I'm not. We get along just fine, he doesn't mind at all (and I'm not trying to villify you in any way for not being able to reconcile yourself with it, just saying that from my experience virgin/non-virgin relationships are no different from any other). We've discussed the situation in depth and decided not to do anything until he's ready- which although he hasn't said it, I know will not be before his wedding night. We love each other regardless and even though I sometimes get frustrated, I know that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He is loving, caring and everything I could ask for. Sex doesn't matter in this situation. I really hope that God can show you the way in your relationship- I'd be nowhere if my boyfriend couldn't accept my already having lost my virginity.

Edited 8/10/08- I also feel like I should say how deeply I regret losing my virginity. It was a stupid, stupid mistake and I was unbelievably stupid myself for doing it and dropping my guard. I wish so much that I'd waited and me and my boyfriend could now be on an even keel. However much I wish this though, it's never going to happen. I'm sure your boyfriend feels the same. Prayers.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

um if you still resent him you haven't really forgiven him.

The bible says it perfectly in 1corinthians 13 "Love keeps no record of wrongs"

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

If you haven't been able to forgive him, how are you able to have a good relationship with him now? Unforgiveness builds bitterness and resentment. I think that if the issue had been a big concern to you...why did you start dating him? And now afte 3 years of being with him...why does this issue bother you so much? Has he been faithful to you since then? I know that it can be hard as I have wondered if I would date someone who was previously sexually active...it would be hard for me but it if was something in his past and he was an amazing guy.....God forgave Him and that was his past and not something that he did against me.

Yet you do need to pray about this and make a decision. It sounds like your bf has been open and honest with you about this and I think that is wonderful. It sounds like you need to decide and then let him know so as not to lead him on if it is the case that you choose to end it over this. Yet I am surprised that you could date him for 3 years with this issue hanging over your head if it is a major concern. I would ask myself: why does this issue concern me so much? and then think about it.

Also...I don't really see it as your place to forgive him. What he did was between God and himself because you weren't with him when it happened. Now if it happened when you were with him that is a whole different story. So I don't think it is about you needing to forgive him...but you needing to decide if this is something in his past that you are willing to live with.

 

[leothelioness]

Why would you resent that? The past is the past. It should be forgotten.

But, what about it really bothers you?

 

[cherrymdsn]

Hi,

I think I understand how you feel. Maybe I wouldn't feel that way for the same reasons, but I think I get it. It takes so much will power to keep your virginity and you do it so that your wedding night with that special someone will be a new, special experience. but if he gave it to someone else it makes you wonder why you bothered. plus, you can end up feeling like you are just being compared, and also like the experience of sex with you isnt that special because he already had his first time.

As for advice, I'm not sure. I'm not very good at relationships admittedly. sorry I hope I responded to this right..

 

[leothelioness]

plus, you can end up feeling like you are just being compared,

Well, that's an insecurity you'll have to work on.

and also like the experience of sex with you isnt that special because he already had his first time.

Just because someone may have given themselves to another person does not mean it will be less special. I mean, if they hadn't had sex, would their past relationships make the one you have now less special?

 

[* kittie *]

um if you still resent him you haven't really forgiven him.

The bible says it perfectly in 1corinthians 13 "Love keeps no record of wrongs"

I agree.
And I'll get back to that.


But I will say I do understand somewhat why you may not be able to let go. You've treasured waiting for your true love for all this time, so now...it's hard to understand from a different (his) perspective. Doesn't make sense right now...does it (which is understandable)? It's hurtful...and hurt brings back the resentment over and over again.

Although it may not be the exact same situations, I've been hurt by the one I cared most about. The kind of hurt that drives 2 people apart, if it wasn't for God.

I heard a message on forgiveness one Sunday. erm....It's really late right now so I can't get the exact words, but he basically said how forgiveness was giving up your right to be mad at that person. In other words...when we are wronged, our being upset with that person is in some way a form of having power over them. Or keeping them imprisoned.

For me...I learned that I may still hurt... That's being human. Sometimes I may even want to hurt this person back. haha... But being hurt doesn't mean we have to be angry.
Before...I'd wonder why...when "I'd forgiven" him...I was still getting upset. I'd try to talk to him even...or pray for him.
Well...It was cause I'd never truly forgiven him. I was letting hurt lead me to being upset. Yes...I do believe hurt and anger and vastly different although may feel similar physiologically.

So back to the message I heard...What I learned is that... even though I hurt, I am gonna to accept it (not that pain is good but that I'm giving up my right to give pain back to him for what he's done), and end it there. It may not be easy, but... it's forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't easy. It doesn't even mean we'll magically be healed immediately.
I've been on that nasty cycle. I know it's not easy.

I'd say..maybe you DO still love him. But again, love isn't always sweet and blissful either. Don't forget it's not the easiest thing to do...to let go. That may only leave you feeling guilty.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

It's not YOUR job to forgive him. What he did, he did before he even knew you, and obviously before you two started dating. It sounds like you, whether you consciously realize it or not, like having something like this to hold over his head. Let go of it, or let him go and find someone who can get over his loss of virginity, while you go and find a virgin.

 

[Adonaija]

My SO is not a virgin, in fact he is not 13 women over. I do not/would not hold it against him. We have been best friends for 9 years...sure, he went through some deep valleys but God is Jehovah Rophe..the God who heals, yes, even pasts.

 

[HollyDoris]

It's understandable that it hurts you that he's not a virgin, but you have to remember that forgiveness is essential. You can't hold something that happened years ago against him, especially if he's repented of it. If he's truly sorry, you need to forgive him just as God has. If God can forgive him so can you. Ultimately it was a sin against God, not against you so while it hurts you you need to remember that it broke God's heart first and foremost. Now not only has God forgiven your boyfriend for his wrong, he's forgotten it as well. You should do the same because it says in the bible that we need to forgive each other so that God will forgive us. In the past I have compromised sexually (although I'm technically still a virgin) and I've repented of that and have been forgiven and I hope that I'll be able to find a man who will forgive me for it as well and not hold me past against me.

Just pray about it. God is so good, He can help you come to forgive and forget.

 

[Bootstrap]

It's understandable that it hurts you that he's not a virgin, but you have to remember that forgiveness is essential. You can't hold something that happened years ago against him, especially if he's repented of it. If he's truly sorry, you need to forgive him just as God has. If God can forgive him so can you.

And if you can't forgive something like this, far in the past, then you may find marriage won't work for you - there are plenty of things in the present that need to be forgiven in any marriage, things that will feel very personal and intense at times.

Jonathan