Dealing With Anger...God's Way
Everybody has to deal with anger from time to time. But how is the best way to handle it? To answer that question, we first must understand what anger really is. Anger is an emotion often characterized by feelings of great displeasure, indignation, hostility, wrath, and vengeance. Many times, anger is how we express our dissatisfaction with life. It is defined in the Greek as the strongest of all passions. Anger begins with a feeling that often is expressed in words or actions. We feel something, and it causes us to say or do something.
GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
Anger is the fruit of rotten roots. One of the primary roots of anger probably stems from the family. Angry people come from angry families because they learn from their role models and perpetuate the same behavior in their own lives... eventually passing it on to their children.
OTHER ROOTS OF ANGER INCLUDE:
Injusticewhen people mistreat us and we feel there is nothing we can do about it, we get angry because we feel it isn't fair. As much as we would like to change the situation or the person who is treating us badly, we can't. People can't change people, only God can change people. So it's best to put your energy into praying for the offender.
Strifewhich is hidden, repressed anger, begins with judgment, gossip, talebearing, backbiting, and thinking too highly of one's self. Strife is often exhibited in arguing, bickering, heated disagreements, and angry undercurrents.
Impatienceoften produces anger when we can't get what we want when we want it. When others impede our progress or slow us down, it is easy to become impatient. Most of us struggle with impatience on a daily basis simply because of today's fast-paced world.
Abuse of any kindsexual, physical, verbal, emotional, or mental almost always leads to anger. All of these abuses are injustices, and injustice eventually leaves the abused feeling helpless and angry. Abuse of this kind cannot be ignored. You must deal with it and process it before you can get rid of it.
Unmet needscan also produce anger. We all have needs that can and should be met by those closest to us. However, others cannot know and understand our needs unless we communicate with them. But even then they may sometimes fail to meet our needs. So the answer is to go to God with your needs and quit looking to other people.
Jealousyanger caused by jealousy was one of the first negative emotions mentioned in the Bible. Genesis 4 tells us that Cain killed his brother Abel because he was jealous to the point of being angry. This is one of the more extreme results of jealousy, but it serves to remind us of how dangerous jealousy can be.
Many people are afraid that someone else may get ahead of them. They think their importance in the world depends on their job or their position in the church. Jealousy causes them to try to be important in the eyes of man. If you have this problem, understand that God has you where you are now for a reason. He knows what is in your future, and He may have you in training for it right now. There is a big difference between being able and being ready to do a specific thing. So don't despise the days of small beginnings. Remember that we must answer to God. Our rewards come from obeying the specific callings He has placed on our lives not from the great things we manage to accomplish as far as the world is concerned. Other roots that lead to anger include insecurity, fear of confrontation, and a feeling of being controlled by a job or other people and their problems. I used to get mad at people who controlled me until God told me one day, "You are just as guilty as they are because you're letting them do it." We must not put excessive pressure on ourselves by making too many commitments just because we don't want to say no to someone.
MASKS OF ANGER
Sometimes we use masks to cover up something that we don't want anybody to see. If we are harboring anger, we think masking it will keep others from knowing the real us. So we hide behind a variety of masks in an attempt to trick people into thinking we're something or someone that we're not. I have discovered that people respect you more if you share your real self with them than if you try to hide everything and act like you've got it all together. After all, people can tell when something is not right. You may think you're hiding your anger, but it will eventually find a way to come out either in voice tone, body language, or attitudes. Some people use the cold shoulder mask. When someone makes them angry, they may say they have forgiven them but they become cold and show no warmth or emotion in dealing with that individual. These people live a lonely existence, because they are so afraid of being hurt that they avoid any close and meaningful relationship. This is a classic example of "choosing your pain." This kind of person chooses the pain of living an isolated, lonely life instead of working through the problem and determining to develop good friendships. Other people like to use the silent treatment mask. These are the folks who say they're not angry with you, yet they refuse to talk to you... or they communicate only when it is absolutely necessary, usually with a grunt or nod. When people avoid being with, touching, or doing things for the individual they're angry at, they're hiding behind a mask. But this is not the answer.
FACE THE TRUTH...AND CHOOSE YOUR PAIN
If you want the great and mighty things God has for you, you must get to the root of anger and deal with it. You must get rid of the masks and face the things that happened in your life to make you the way you are today. Admit that you can't change by yourself. Until the root is dealt with and removed, it will continue to produce one kind of bad fruit after another. Too often we spend our lives dealing with the bad fruit in our behavior, but we never dig deep enough to get to the root of the problem. Actually, when we're faced with anger, we must choose our pain. Digging deep to take care of the bad root is painful, but it is the only lasting way to take care of the problem. We can either suffer positively, doing what is right, or we can go with the devil's plan. But remember, the same devil that tempts you to follow your human feelings will later condemn you for doing it. You must decide if you want the pain that will take you into a new realm of glory, or if you're going to keep your same old pain, trying to hide it while it's rotting on the inside of you.
Peter tells us to be well balanced and temperate, withstanding the devil at his onset (see 1 Peter 5:8,9). When you begin to feel anger, it's the perfect time to exercise the fruit of self-control. You may have good reason to be angry, but you must not use it as an excuse to stay that way. Instead of denying or justifying it, ask God to help you deal with it in a positive way. Romans 12:21 gives this good advice: Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. When Satan attacks you, instead of getting mad, go bless someone. Responding in a positive way is the direct opposite of what the enemy had planned, and it defeats his plan to keep you upset. It doesn't come naturally, and it isn't always easy, but when we do what we can do, God will do what we can't do. Do not be quick in spirit to be angry or vexed, for anger and vexation lodge in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9). If we hang onto anger, we're just being foolish. We must turn the anger and the people who caused it over to God and let Him take care of it. ...Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord (Romans 12:19). Trust God and He will take care of you and protect you. You can't change your past, but when you give it to God, He will use it to bring you a better future.
IS ANGER SIN?
Is all anger sin? No, but some of it is. Even God Himself has righteous anger against sin, injustice, rebellion, and pettiness. Anger sometimes serves a useful purpose, so it isn't necessarily always a sin. Obviously, we are going to have adverse feelings or God would not have needed to provide the fruit of self-control. Just being tempted to do something is not sin. It's when you don't resist the temptation but go ahead and do it that it becomes sin. God sometimes allows us to feel anger so we can recognize when we are being mistreated. But even when we experience true injustices in our lives, we must not vent our anger in an improper way. We must guard against allowing anger to drag us into sin. Ephesians 4:26,27 tells us, When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]. Refuse to give the devil an opportunity to get a foothold in your life through anger.
All anger, regardless of its cause, has the same effect on our lives. It upsets us, causing us to feel pressure. Keeping anger locked inside and pretending it doesn't exist can even be dangerous to our health. It usually doesn't bother the person who makes us angry, it just hurts us. So we must take responsibility for our anger and learn to deal with it. Process it and bring closure to it, and that will relieve the pressure. I have been through some rough times in my life, and for many years those experiences caused me to feel miserable. I was so mad about the abuse in my childhood that it was making be bitter and hateful. I was angry with everybody, but one day God confronted me and said, "Joyce, are you going to let that make you bitter or better?" That got my attention, and I eventually had to find a positive way to process my anger. That was a place of new beginnings for me. When you face your anger and decide to deal with it God's way, you can overcome it. The Holy Ghost gives us the power to be stable and to walk in the fruit of the Spirit. We have the power to forgive those who do injustices in our lives and to love the unlovely.
TAKE STEPS TOWARD FREEDOM
People are born to be free, it is a gift from God. We are not to be free from responsibility, but we are to be free to be led by the Holy Spirit. Any time our freedom is taken away or given away, we experience anger. Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to get free... or do you want to stay in the mess you're in for the rest of your life? If you want to be free, just start doing what God wants you to do one step at a time and you will eventually walk out of your messes. When we are battling anger, we must realize that ...we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12 KJV). When Satan makes you angry, remember that he's trying to keep you from accomplishing the will of God in your life. In 2 Timothy 4:5, Paul told Timothy to be calm, cool, and collected, and to keep performing the duties of his ministry. And that is good advice for all of us. When we get angry, we should calm down and start doing what God has called us to do. You can be bitter or better, it's up to you! If you're mad about something, instead of letting it ruin your life, turn it into something good. Overcome evil and anger by praying for those who hurt and abuse you. Forgive them and be a blessing to them. It may not be easy at first, but when you make the decision and stick with it, God will take care of the rest.
I'm sorry you lost your dad. Dad's are special. With your husband doing that, just makes the grief process worse. Do you have someone locally who you can go to for counsel?
I understand, my dear. Saying goodbye to Daddy is extremely difficult. That's putting it mildly. Mine went to be with Jesus seven and a half years ago.....grief doesn't go away. It does get easier to deal with, but it is never something we 'get over'. You will be in my prayers....may you be blessed with the peace and comfort that only can come from above. 
