Very Confused [open]

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Alright, so my bf will be leaving around the end of the month to spend 3 months away. A "break". Well, during this time we are still doing things together (although a whole lot less) and trying to sort things out. We have been talking about a lot of things concerning our relationship.

Well, I am so very confused. So is he it seems. I keep getting so many mixed signals from him. He says he really loves me and I believe it. On the other hand though if you love someone, would you leave in this manner?

I feel, in a way, that if he is leaving to work on some things than it should be under the circumstances that he is going to marry me, but just wants to work on some thing before hand. Yet, he discusses with me that he is afraid of commitment but does not know why.

I just wish these things weren't so hard and confusing. My mood has been going up and down.

 

[joyouspirit]

One thing I learned from men, those that I am close to, they don't do well under pressure.
And one thing I learned here at CC from a man himself, that when men "thinks", they seclude themselves but what's wrong with us women, is we conclude that there is something wrong with the relationship, when there is none.
It is hard I know, been there, but you just have to trust him on this one, give him time, you will know too, when there is really something wrong with the relationship.
Pray, my sister for wisdom, peace and comfort.

God bless!!!

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

I'm sorry. It has to be hard. It is very possible that he just needs time to think things through, and that in spending as much time with you as he is he is having a hard time thinking through whatever he needs to think through. Have patience, do your best to trust him, and pray

 

[peanutbutter12]

The thing that bothers me from this "break" is that it shouldn't be happening. If you truly love someone, you don't want to spend time apart from them for any reason. You don't need time to consider whether or not you love them or if they are the right one. You just know, and you go with that. That's not to say you need to desire to be around that person 24/7, but you don't desire to be apart from them either.

The thing is, what happens when you get married? There are no breaks in marriage. There are no "I want to spend 3 months apart" in marriage. Marriage is eternal and not something taken lightly. When you spend every day with that other person, whether they are in bad moods, or maybe you're in the bad mood... they are still there. There is no "I'll be back in a week, I need some time to myself".

As harsh as it may sound, these are things you need to consider in any serious relationship.

CJ

 

[miss_klara]

Why exactly is he going away?
Leaving a loved one for a period of time is always a hard decision to make, but sometimes there's no way around it.
A couple of friends of mine had been dating 5 or so years, and she'd just finished her degree in teaching. Not sure how it is in other countries, but here in Australia, when you finish your teaching degree, your best shot at a job is to either go work in England or something, or to go work in the remote country for a year. As luck would have it, she was offered a job in England for her first year as teacher. It would've been a gut-wrenching decision, but she went over there, leaving her man behind for that year. It had nothing to do with her needing a break from him. But seeing as they weren't married yet, it was the perfect opportunity for her to go out and do that. About a year after she got back, they got married.

It can be feasible for someone to leave their SO behind for a period of time, so long as it's for a good reason. I believe there are legitimate reasons that people need to do this. I personally don't think I could leave my boyfriend behind for anything, but I've never been in a position to make that decision.

 

[Maramixi]

Why exactly is he going away?
Leaving a loved one for a period of time is always a hard decision to make, but sometimes there's no way around it.
A couple of friends of mine had been dating 5 or so years, and she'd just finished her degree in teaching. Not sure how it is in other countries, but here in Australia, when you finish your teaching degree, your best shot at a job is to either go work in England or something, or to go work in the remote country for a year. As luck would have it, she was offered a job in England for her first year as teacher. It would've been a gut-wrenching decision, but she went over there, leaving her man behind for that year. It had nothing to do with her needing a break from him. But seeing as they weren't married yet, it was the perfect opportunity for her to go out and do that. About a year after she got back, they got married.

It can be feasible for someone to leave their SO behind for a period of time, so long as it's for a good reason. I believe there are legitimate reasons that people need to do this. I personally don't think I could leave my boyfriend behind for anything, but I've never been in a position to make that decision.

I think this is very true, sometimes you really can't get away from the fact you have to get away.

I also think that if he does have something he needs to deal with then it's better he do it before you are married.

 

[peanutbutter12]

True, but there is a difference between an unavoidable situation and choosing to take time off. For instance, my wife recently went to California without me for a week which was unavoidable. There really wasn't a choice in the matter, but I had a show while she was away so I couldn't go with. Doesn't mean we liked to be away or wanted to be away from each other.

CJ

 

[Hediru]

True, but there is a difference between an unavoidable situation and choosing to take time off. For instance, my wife recently went to California without me for a week which was unavoidable. There really wasn't a choice in the matter, but I had a show while she was away so I couldn't go with. Doesn't mean we liked to be away or wanted to be away from each other.

CJ

While what you've said is romantic and sweet, its not healthy for a couple to be together all the time, or to even want to. A good relationship allows time for both people to be apart and pursue their own interests and needs. I truly love my bf, and I hope to marry him someday, but even so, there are times that I just want to go and do something with my girlfriends. And I don't miss him every moment we're apart. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. I just need some time to be me. Likewise, he needs time to be him. I do agree that 3 months is a little long, though. I can usually only be without him for a day or so. Anytime longer than that and I miss him like a madwoman!

 

[Vasichko]

The thing that bothers me from this "break" is that it shouldn't be happening. If you truly love someone, you don't want to spend time apart from them for any reason. You don't need time to consider whether or not you love them or if they are the right one. You just know, and you go with that. That's not to say you need to desire to be around that person 24/7, but you don't desire to be apart from them either.

The thing is, what happens when you get married? There are no breaks in marriage. There are no "I want to spend 3 months apart" in marriage. Marriage is eternal and not something taken lightly. When you spend every day with that other person, whether they are in bad moods, or maybe you're in the bad mood... they are still there. There is no "I'll be back in a week, I need some time to myself".

As harsh as it may sound, these are things you need to consider in any serious relationship.

CJ

I agree with this. My ex said at this point she doesnt want to get back together because she doesn't know if that I am the one or we are meant to be together. Im looking for a commited relationship at this point. Never thought about that.

 

[peanutbutter12]

While what you've said is romantic and sweet, its not healthy for a couple to be together all the time, or to even want to. A good relationship allows time for both people to be apart and pursue their own interests and needs. I truly love my bf, and I hope to marry him someday, but even so, there are times that I just want to go and do something with my girlfriends. And I don't miss him every moment we're apart. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. I just need some time to be me. Likewise, he needs time to be him. I do agree that 3 months is a little long, though. I can usually only be without him for a day or so. Anytime longer than that and I miss him like a madwoman!

Not healthy according to whom, exactly? Not to say a couple *needs* to spend all their time together, but if they both choose to, there is nothing unhealthy about it. I spend the majority of my day with my wife. We work together, which is a blessing as most men can't say they get to work with their wives and when working 40 hours a week, you tend to feel like you're missing out on what life should be like. We also spend our free time together doing whatever it is we like to do. We have a lot of similar interests as well as different interests, but we've learned to take advantage of those different interests and mend them to be able to use them together for projects we work on and for work itself.

That's not to say she doesn't hang out with her friends, however, we tend to hang out with them together and spend that time together rather than being apart. Does that mean it's bad for others to spend time apart and hang out with friends and so fourth? Not at all. We just choose not to live that way.

To say it's not healthy is complete hogwash as I know from experience that it can be the complete opposite. That's just my .02 though.

CJ